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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
LunasSpectreSpecs · 01/12/2017 11:29

she should have known there was a chance she'd be asked to come back

Really??? Really???? You're expecting a group of people and one of them, probably because she's new to the area and unsure of public transport times turns up early and you'd send her away???? On my planet, I'd be dragging the woman in off the street, pointing her in the direction of the kitchen with directions on where the teabags were, giving her my baby to mind and going to have a shower, grateful for the help.

All of the rest of it about texting and husbands is plainly bonkers, but OP's reaction to a knock at the door is equally bonkers.

TheFickleFingerOfFate · 01/12/2017 11:30

Plainly she went on and on about it when she got home.

stuckfornames · 01/12/2017 11:31

I would've let them in, apologised and explained about the powercut..

Then say "you're more than welcome to help yourself to a hot drink, or I'll make us one when I've finished in the shower"

I hate it when people turn up early but I would've felt too guilty to leave them outside.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 11:33

brilliotic

Excellent point - although if she'd knocked the sight of an actual human being might have knocked my manners into place and I'd probs have let her in! Grin

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/12/2017 11:33

She shouldn't have come half an hour early. And if the baby was ill it would have been more sensible to have stayed at home. I agree. Just ignore them. But even if I was annoyed I wouldn't leave somebody standing outside in the cold. That was a bit mean IMHO. But you've apologised. And that should be the end of it.

coffeeandbiscuit · 01/12/2017 11:34

I’m coming out of my lurker cave to respond to this one.

I am ALWAYS early. I cannot abide being late. But like PP, I go off and do my own thing, only daring to knock on the door maybe exactly on time (which I always feel really uncomfortable with) or if I can force myself, 5/10 mins later than start time. Family or best friends are the only people I would impose myself on early (the people I know would be happy for me to do something/entertain myself). It’s just rude otherwise.

You’re in London. There’s plenty to do. If you lived in the arse end of nowhere, then I’d sort of understand - but you don’t! You apologised way too much. Don’t apologise another time if they dare to message AGAIN about it. The husband is an arse. This is such a nothing issue that’s been blown completely out of proportion. You did nothing wrong. She should have accepted the situation with good grace, found a cafe/shop and come back when you’d asked at which point you’d have explained your nightmare of a morning and all would have been forgotten.

Apparently not Hmm.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 01/12/2017 11:35

They are twats.

RagingFemininist · 01/12/2017 11:37

In which world is it necessary for the DH to contact youR DH to get such an issue sorted out?

Did he think that you would just obey to your DH or that, by virtue of being a man, he would be more logical/understandable/would put you can in line?? ConfusedConfused

Frederickvonhefferneffer · 01/12/2017 11:37

Yanbu, they are knobs. Good to find this out early before you get too involved in a friendship with them. However, I would have let them in while I showered.

IslingtonLou · 01/12/2017 11:37

Your actual biggest mistake is apologising so much - because you’re vindicating that you did something wrong/something unforgivable and rude if you see what I’m saying? They feel that you were rude, left them out in the cold, baby was ill and forced to be outside, she doesn’t know the area etc etc - they have blown it out of proportion in their perspective, but YOU have vindicated their exaggeration by apologising so much.

If it comes up again I would just say ‘sorry you’re upset that you were outside for 10 minutes while I was in the shower. I had an unexpected power cut and busy morning prepping for the party, so it was just a bad set of circumstances that you arrived so early.’

Don’t put yourself in a negative position when you didn’t even do much wrong. They’re dramatic and over exaggerating the situation now. Can imagine their baby starts coughing or something and they’ll blame that on youHmm

ittakes2 · 01/12/2017 11:38

If she'd walked there, she already had the baby in the cold, if she drove there she could have gotten back in the car. She was 30mins early! Her bad. This has happened to me when I first started doing these things. I was still in pjs but let them in and by the time I had settled them, I had then run out of time to get prepared for the others and still had birds nest hair when the others arrived. So I thought good on you for asking her to come back in 10mins. You could by rights asked her back in 30mins! She did not know you were even going to be home 30mins ahead of time.

Taylor22 · 01/12/2017 11:40

Jesus Christ stop apologising!

And turn it on her!
Get pissed! Who the hell does she think she is turning up to your house with a sick baby.
Tell her to get her act together.

lurkingnotlurking · 01/12/2017 11:40

Along the same topic, if hijacking a bit... Is turning up 5 or 10 mins early generally okay? or is a few minutes late really the right thing to do?

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 11:45

Along the same topic, if hijacking a bit... Is turning up 5 or 10 mins early generally okay? or is a few minutes late really the right thing to do?

Personally if it's someone's house I would never show up early. And if it were completely unavoidable I'd message as soon as I realised to prewarn them. I'd also offer a get out clause (I'll walk the block if you're not ready/can I run to the shop for you etc).

OP posts:
Frederickvonhefferneffer · 01/12/2017 11:45

Lurking. On time or up to 10 minutes late is acceptable. Earlier or later is not

lurkingnotlurking · 01/12/2017 11:46

Thanks. I'm not sure I'm ever actually early but it's good to know that 5 or 10 mins is still frowned upon

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 11:47

Actually I think that it's really all about the comms. Early or late - shit happens - just let the host know.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 01/12/2017 11:48

Don't pursue this friendhip. Having a young baby is a perfect time to make new friends. I was ruthless when I was maternity leave. I wanted to build a group of local friends whilst I had the chance, and I didn't bother to pursue friendships that I knew were not going to work out.

If she's local to you, you're likely to bump into her again. So I wouldn't bother to tell her or her husband that they're batshit as it will just caste friction. Just be polite and don't invite them anywhere again.

WazFlimFlam · 01/12/2017 11:50

Err, I don't think it is a stretch to say the husband sounds abusive. How dare he suggest you owe him an apology over nothing, and then refuse it claiming it may 'may take some time' for him to forgive you.

That's what abusive men do, and the nasty fucker has forgotten who he is speaking to here.

BigGreenOlives · 01/12/2017 11:53

They have demonstrated that they don’t value your time as highly as they value their own. What’s the betting he dropped her off early as he was going out & couldn’t drop her ½ hr later?

DarlesChickens61 · 01/12/2017 11:53

I’m always early. However, I wouldn’t knock the door half an hour early. I either sit in the car and wait for the first few guests to arrive before I knock or, as PPs have said go for a coffee to pass the time. Seeing as there was a child friendly pub nearby she should have gone there for a coffee. Did she think maybe she would be able to help you out a bit if she arrived first? Who knows??

If I were the host I wouldn’t have been happy with a guest turning up early but I would have thrown a dressing gown on and let them in and showed them where the kettle is.

However, it’s all water under the bridge now. You have apologised. Leave it there

Italiangreyhound · 01/12/2017 11:56

YANBU.

"The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time". le him stew in hi sown juices.

I th baby was ill she should not have brought him out. Or she should not have turned up early, or she should have found a cafe or shop to wait in.

Next time, I would buy the scones and cakes, don't put yourself under pressure and hoover first as the floor being clean is the key bit for small babies. But you should like a lovely caring person and you made a really big effort, so now forget this issue and move on.

(I have not read all the posts.

whiskyowl · 01/12/2017 11:56

Fucking hell, OP, what an overreaction to being asked to wait 10 minutes. If the baby was that poorly, it shouldn't have been out at all. If it wasn't, then they're making a huge fuss over absolutely nothing. "I have no words" is the sort of phrase you use when someone is grieving for a close relative, NOT for such a minor non-event as this.

Arriving half an hour early is rude, and it's their own fault they had to wait while you got out of the shower!

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2017 11:57

Kind of fault on both sides, but their fault the biggest.

No I would not have turned away a mother and child in yesterday’s weather.

No she shouldn’t have turned up thirty mins early and with a sick child.

But their reaction is something to behold. So rude and entitled.

I’d send a message back pretending you think he is kidding just

“Nice one 🤣 x”

And leave it at that.

Italiangreyhound · 01/12/2017 11:58

Typos! You sound like a lovely person.

Don't engage further with the dad.