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Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
SteadyFreddie · 01/12/2017 11:00

Ugh....I just wouldn't bother with these people, and I certainly wouldn't apologise. I'd simply say something nicely passive aggressive along the lines of 'so sorry IF she felt upset on account of turning up unexpectedly early' and leave it at that.

No more invitations, either! If someone is so ignorant as to disabuse your hospitality and make you feel bad, whilst showing complete lack of understanding for your own difficulties with the power cut....well; *uck 'em. You are not here to please everyone.

MyOtherProfile · 01/12/2017 11:00

Prob already mentioned but I'm shocked she didn't stay home with her sick baby rather than bringing it to the party and spreading it's germs.

Marcine · 01/12/2017 11:01

I wouldn't have answered my door 30 minutes early if I was undressed and about to get in the shower.

Silly woman shouldn't have taken her sick baby out if she was going to fuss about it!

FrancisCrawford · 01/12/2017 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardinalCat · 01/12/2017 11:07

You apologised far too much, but you know that now! The woman sounds odd and her husband sounds like an unhinged bully. I'd have nothing more to do with the pair of them, but I do wonder if the woman is actually ok. Is it worth remaining friends so you can keep an eye on her? Lots of red flags that her DH is a controlling prick.

stopbeingadramallama · 01/12/2017 11:07

But confused as to why she text you saying she was outside, rather than just knocking on the door like a normal person?

Appuskidu · 01/12/2017 11:08

Did she knock at the door?

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 11:09

But confused as to why she text you saying she was outside, rather than just knocking on the door like a normal person?

Not a clue!

OP posts:
Luxanna · 01/12/2017 11:10

My advice would be to disengage.

There are two types of people in this world, the first will take an apology graciously, the second will think they now own your arse because to them an apology is a sign of weakness. The second type will make your life a total misery after they get their apology.

To make my point, please let me tell you one of my experiences with such a person. (Although not really a similar situation to your own)

We had borrowed a drill and quickly drilled 6 holes one Sunday afternoon to hang a curtain pole. Upstairs neighbour banged on our door after we'd finished. We had made a noise so we apologised, had a nice little conversation and thought the matter was sorted. Big mistake, in retrospect should have told him to fuck off instead. Every single time thereafter ANYONE drilled in our building or made any kind of DIY noise, he would bang our ceiling down with his boots. Then he started doing it randomly, shouting about drilling when all was silent including in the middle of the night. The culmination of which was, a Saturday night about 2am, I wake to hear a a funny noise at our flats front door, the outside landing door closing and footsteps going up the stairs. I woke DH who went to open the front door to find the handle jammed. He is very strong and just about managed to wrench it open. There was a piece of lumber wedged under the handle. DH went upstairs to hear upstairs neighbour rummaging and clanking in his own hallway and waited outside the door to see what was going on. The neighbour opened the door with a petrol can in his hand ranting about drilling noise that didn't exist. I hate to think what would've happened if I hadn't heard him.

We had never had a problem of any kind with him until that one apology he got from us.

Extreme example maybe but some people are like this when they think they smell a push over.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 11:11

Did she knock at the door?

No - I have a tiny house so it's unlikely I would have missed it. (and also a very loud doorbell!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 11:12

Luxanna

Blimey!

OP posts:
Craftylittlething · 01/12/2017 11:14

If he was so ill she shouldn’t have had him out at a party, they sound like dicks

timshortfforthalia · 01/12/2017 11:15

I'm in London. It really wasn't that cold yesterday. They sound really pfb.

I hate being late, always arrive early, sometimes super early. I just potter round shops or sit in Cafe. My time management is my issue. My parents also hate being late, so they just turn up early all the time. I find it incredibly stressful tbh. I never know if they are going to be twenty min early or an hour early Hmm

Unless one of your nct group has compromised immunity, I don't get why people are so bothered about their babies coming into contact with an ill baby. Exposure to illnesses and germs is how they build up immunity. All kids have something or another any point, sounds like everyone will have traveled by public transport which will be a germ and virus fest. Honestly, the whole freak out about an ill baby being allowed out is weird.

BUT the weirdest thing of all is her dhs choice of words. 'calm down in time' is a very aggressive statement, really telling about what kind of person he is.

MerryMarigold · 01/12/2017 11:15

Well I’d have let them in, shown her the kitchen and kettle and told her to make herself at home whilst I got ready.

I'd have let them in, made her a cuppa, chatted, entertained her baby and not had a shower. Then felt rubbish the whole time, worried that I looked rubbish and smelled, generally had a bad time and not enjoyed my own party. That's because I have bad boundaries. OP apologised too much, sounds like she has bad boundaries too. Wish we could all be as confident as to let someone in and let them get on with it, but I understand how the OP felt she had a choice between being the hostess with the mostest, or asking the woman to wait 10 minutes.

Thetreesareallgone · 01/12/2017 11:15

Fizz190 I agree with you, she should have been gracious that you made a slightly flustered judgement call and accepted you said sorry and explained.

I was commenting on the 'how dare she be late/not sitting in a pub/walked about for ages/too early/not have brought chocs/brought chocs/done a poo in your loo' brigade. Luckily I have real nice friends who are very relaxed about socializing and seem delighted anyone has turned up at all!

Flowershower · 01/12/2017 11:16

Run a mile from them! You do not need people like this in your life. You did nothing wrong! I'd have been mortified if I was her turning up early when you were clearly in a flap.

Marley45 · 01/12/2017 11:16

Don't apologise again! She should have been on time. And a baby with a bit of a cold is not going to come to any harm walking round the block for ten minutes.
Her husband sounds like a twat.

StaplesCorner · 01/12/2017 11:16

I agree with Luxanna, the thing that struck me about your OP is the number of times you apologised for something so trivial. Yeah hindsight's a wonderful thing; you could have let them in but how on earth is all this wailing and gnashing of teeth your fault, you did nothing wrong just a very slight misunderstanding FFS!! Mum friends seem to bring out the worst in people - is this an NCT group perchance?! Hmm

MerryMarigold · 01/12/2017 11:18

Oh, and I would let your dh deal with her dh. Something along the lines of: "I don't really understand your anger. There was a pub down the road, and plenty of cafes. The baby did not have to stay in the cold. And if the baby is extremely ill, maybe he shouldn't be travelling on public transport and out in public."

flumpybear · 01/12/2017 11:18

First of all if the baby is unwell then it should probably be at home particularly if infectious. Secondly who bloody does that - if I was that early I’d have popped to a cafe ffs - of course you were probably getting ready the last thing you need is another mum getting in the way before you host a do!

They’re being ridiculous - first child I take it - most people are freakin late!!! Wink

MerryMarigold · 01/12/2017 11:20

The reason I say your dh needs to put him in his place is that I work with a v angry woman who terrorises everyone, but from quite early on I have had excellent boundaries with her (basically because I didn't care about the job or having her for a friend) and she actually respects me for it. I put her well in her place and did not let her bully me and she now doesn't bother trying.

brilliotic · 01/12/2017 11:22

Why text rather than knock? Maybe because she is shy, anxious about 'imposing' and causing trouble, aware that she is early, worried about making a social faux-pas. Knocking on the door would be putting you on the spot - once you've answered the door, it would be a lot more awkward for you to send her away again until later. She didn't want to force your hand, didn't want to put you on the spot, so she (probably took all her courage together and) texted you in order for you to have an easy, non-embarrassing get-out and in order to avoid any impression of presuming.

It's like some people are anxious about phone calls. I for one prefer texting. A quick call can be so much more efficient, and I CAN deal with it and don't make a drama out of it, however I don't like being called as it requires me to deal with something at a time when it might not be convenient to me. It puts me on the spot. I assume at least some of my friends may feel similarly. Calling them means I am deciding on a time that is convenient to ME. Texting means they get to choose if and when to respond, at a time that is convenient to THEM. IMO it is being considerate, to text rather than call/knock.

Whitecurrants · 01/12/2017 11:23

You (they) lost me at “my husband received a message from her husband”

KC225 · 01/12/2017 11:24

It's all a bit nuts. I too haye it when people arrive early for a party as it throws you off your mark. I think I would have let her in and said amuse yourself after a.few.passove aggressive comments. If she hadn't done the journey before, had to use public transport or haf panicked about parking it is easily done. Bit as it has been pointed out, she shouldn't be coming out with a sick baby. You apologised. Her husband sounds a piece of work. Fancy getting that involved over a non incident. I would be civil to her but back away socially. Think on when the babies start rough play and (non) sharing of toys. He thinks he has no words now..... Roll on the reception class that gets that Prince at the school gates.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 11:27

I apologised for three reasons :

Firstly and immediately because I felt bad for making her walk the streets
Secondly on receiving her message as I realised I'd upset her and whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation I don't like upsetting people - an apology costs nothing
Thirdly in response to him, for the pure and simple reason that I did not want this to cause a long term issue in the group. I'll admit by this stage that I didn't feel very sorry anymore but it was a practical decision!!

OP posts: