Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 01/12/2017 10:11

If you didn’t want to answer door in towel then why not put dressing gown or joggers and jumper on? They’ve overreacted but leaving someone outside when they know you’re home is really strange.

Thetreesareallgone · 01/12/2017 10:17

Also, the lady did have a 6 month old with her. It's hard work getting out with a six month old baby- perhaps she needed to feed/change the baby, perhaps it was crying and she didn't fancy going into a pub to do all that when she was literally outside the house of her new friend, just quite early.

Normal people would text 'oops,sorry I'm really early, baby needs feeding, would you mind if I came in and kept out of your way?' and other normal people would say 'yes, no probs, just getting in the shower, the doors open, let yourself in, see you in 10 min' whilst being slightly pissed off they were in a towel.

MN is full of posts about women who have almost no social support, or don't really have friends and feel sad about that. It does seem there's a lot of rigidity around the social norms (don't arrive early, don't be late, do take a gift but not cheap chocs or anything fattening, don't stay too long, don't turn up unexpectedly if you are passing even if you hardly ever pass, write a thank you note even though you said thanks at the time) of socializing that make it less friendly than in some cultures. If you start to think of guests as being 'selfish', 'prioritizing their own time' when they come early to your house, then you have lost what the whole event was really about, which was presumably to reach out to other mums who may be finding things a bit hard going six months in.

This reminds me of that awful guy on US TV that always says 'you can be right or happy'. You are undoubtedly 'right' OP, it's a bit annoying when someone turns up early. But you are now not happy as you were not kind when they made a very slight mistake.

Thetreesareallgone · 01/12/2017 10:19

Husband is out of order though.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 10:19

I can only say I wasn't thinking straight. I was in a panic and all I could think was that I just needed to get myself ready. I wouldn't turn people away in other circumstances. I'm not suggesting I made the right decision, I posted here to get objective views on whether I was in the wrong (conclusion - yes partially) and whether their response seem appropriate (conclusion - no).

To answer a previous question, I am very close with a couple of the girls from the group who I've shared this with. They've been very supportive! I'm very keen that the rest of the group doesn't find out though ad on don't want it to get bitchy.

OP posts:
brilliotic · 01/12/2017 10:19

The husband's reaction seems so incongruous with anything reasonable that from this alone I'd suspect that he is very controlling and emotionally abusive; and that the reason why he did this was because he is actually trying to isolate his DW from her friends/support network, so as to have even more absolute control over her.

On this basis I would from here onwards be very wary towards him, but extend a hand of friendship towards the mum friend even when at times she might behave strangely. She may need someone who believes her, who points out to her that her husband's behaviour is not 'normal'.

Who knows, he might even have gaslighted her into thinking it was half an hour earlier than it actually was, and then there was lots of 'how stupid you are to confuse the time and get there half an hour early' and 'you are not fit to look after DC you can't even get the time right and end up in the cold with a poorly baby' when she got back...

Then when you did all that apologising, his ploy hadn't worked - he needed his DW to feel at fault, and your apologies took the attention away from his DW's faults. So he had to get in there to make you cross, to ensure you'd start distancing yourself from his DW. I'm sure he'd then blame his DW for having no friends, she spoils everything doesn't she?!

FrancisCrawford · 01/12/2017 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wowfudge · 01/12/2017 10:21

They sound like a pair of drama llamas. You've done and said all you can so I'd just leave it.

ErnesttheBavarian · 01/12/2017 10:25

She shouldn't have turned up to a party with a sick child.

She shouldn't have turned up half an hour early.

If she had a problem, she should have said there and then, ds is sick, not wait till the next day.

You already apologised too much.

She shouldn't have been there with a sick baby (again!)

And they both sound really bloody rude and annoying, so I would avoid them totally and be glad you've learnt this early on.

echt · 01/12/2017 10:27

The husband's reaction seems so incongruous with anything reasonable that from this alone I'd suspect that he is very controlling and emotionally abusive; and that the reason why he did this was because he is actually trying to isolate his DW from her friends/support network, so as to have even more absolute control over her

On this basis I would from here onwards be very wary towards him, but extend a hand of friendship towards the mum friend even when at times she might behave strangely. She may need someone who believes her, who points out to her that her husband's behaviour is not 'normal'

Who knows, he might even have gaslighted her into thinking it was half an hour earlier than it actually was, and then there was lots of 'how stupid you are to confuse the time and get there half an hour early' and 'you are not fit to look after DC you can't even get the time right and end up in the cold with a poorly baby' when she got back

Really? That's a shitload of reading into the situation.

YouThought · 01/12/2017 10:28

What was the woman like at the get-together? Was she frosty with you then.

The DH sound awful.

Bibidy · 01/12/2017 10:28

I admit I wouldn't be pleased if someone left me on the street in the cold rather than let me into the house because I was early, especially with a baby. Particularly as you got in the shower after you already knew she was waiting outside.

I can understand why she was peeved but it shouldn't be this big of a deal, you've already apologised.

They're being silly.

Next time just don't reply to the message and then say you hadn't seen it because you were in the shower!

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 10:30

What was the woman like at the get-together? Was she frosty with you then.

She was a bit quiet at first but seemed to relax later. To be honest I just assumed she was just overwhelmed cos was in such a flap so didn't think too much of it.

OP posts:
yourhavingagiraffee · 01/12/2017 10:30

I wouldn't take ill baby out in the first place.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 10:33

Just to acknowledge that there's been a lot of comments about their relationship which I've read and taken on board. I don't feel comfortable to speculate about their marriage on a public forum, even anonymously but I absolutely get that it's impossible to know what's going on behind closed doors.

OP posts:
BattleaxeGalactica · 01/12/2017 10:37

Every time I think the barrel of barking has been scraped dry there's a trapdoor to a whole new level. If the baby was that ill what's she doing dragging it around on a complicated journey in the cold anyway?

You've done nothing wrong, OP but if you absolutely have to engage (to keep in with the rest of the group f'rinstance) I'd be keeping this pair very much at arm's length from now on.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 10:38

You sound lovely. You have acknowedged that it was a poor judgement call and have apologised over and over again. The husband sounds like a an utter dick.

Sweetpea55 · 01/12/2017 10:38

If her little boy is ill then why did she come out ' in the cold'.

Nikephorus · 01/12/2017 10:38

The idea of leaving a friend and her baby on my doorstep in yesterday's weather is giving me the vapours
Yes, how awful, being out in blizzard conditions, miles from any other civilisation.... Oh no, hang on, there was room in the inn pub 30 seconds away.....

lurkingnotlurking · 01/12/2017 10:40

I would have done the same as you. Except for the multiple apologies - bollocks to them. Pfb much?

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 10:49

Wow. So many rude mumsnetters. People are becoming so insular these days.

I agree with Thetreesareallgone's excellent post.

allisbright · 01/12/2017 10:51

I think you need to turn the tables on him slightly. He's trying to leave you hanging and hoping they forgive you, which is just ridiculous. I suggest a reply asking a direct question at the end.

“What an over the top reaction. I have apologised several times so I don’t know what you expect from me. [Wife] arrived without warning half an hour early, at a time I was not ready. I did my best to accommodate them as soon as I was able. If you are both that concerned about your son being out in the cold for a further ten minutes due to him being unwell, I question whether it was suitable to take him outside at all and further to a social event with other young babies. It is disappointing that after the effort I went to to do something nice for us all, you are trying to make me feel bad. I think this has been blown out of all proportion and I’d really like us all to be able to forget about it and move on. Is this something you and [wife] are able to do?”

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 10:55

I agree with Thetreesareallgone's post too except for one thing

But you are now not happy as you were not kind when they made a very slight mistake.

I don't feel I was unkind, or certainly not deliberately so. I think if I'm guilty of anything it was thoughtlessness in the face of pressure for which I immediately apologised. She made a mistake, I made a mistake. I immediately forgave and forgot - she did not.

OP posts:
bitofwhatyoufancy · 01/12/2017 10:56

Why did you apologise so often? She turned up half an hour early, you weren't ready so she couldn't come in.
A it's her fault for turning up early and B it's just not that big of a deal.

I'm always early it so annoying but I panic about being late. I generally go for a wander or go to a cafe for a bit, it's no big deal.

greendale17 · 01/12/2017 10:57

Well I’d have let them in, shown her the kitchen and kettle and told her to make herself at home whilst I got ready.

^This and especially in this weather

VladmirsPoutine · 01/12/2017 10:59

This whole thing sounds batshit crazy but Yanbu. Everyone needs to get hold of a firm, strong grip.

Swipe left for the next trending thread