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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 01/12/2017 12:36
  1. She was too early. 5-10 mins early ok if you’re coming to unfamiliar area and can’t judge time. Then I’d be expected to be let in and occasionally I’m 5 mins early - if I’m car I wait til the right time though or try to. 30 mins early i’d Not even expect to be let in.
  2. She shouldn’t have brought an ill child out if he was that ill (more than a mild cold).
  3. They sound nutty so maybe you had a lucky escape
ShowerGel9 · 01/12/2017 12:37

Let's turn the post round seeing as there are 'Two sides to every story' and be the woman with the poorly baby.

AIBU ?

Friend from a baby group who I have known only for a few months organised a party for a fewhile of our mum friends and babys. From what I can tell she's nice and will be putting effort into the get together.

However I wake up in the morning and my DC isn't well. However I still get ready to go as I like this group and don't want to miss out.

I set off in good time as I'm new to the area however I arrive abit early. Around 30 mins. It's cold outside and DC is still poorly and it's not helping him being put in the cold.
Disclaimer: I have told the mum organising the party that DC isn't well however it was mentioned briefly on a watsap chat when she wasaid organising the get together.

Anyway I arrive early and knock on the door. My phone rings and I'm told by the mum that she's had a nightmare and she's just jumping in the shower and can I just hang around for ten mins.

There are cafes and family friendly pubs nearby but I'd rather piss and moan to myself because of how rude I feel the mum had been to me asking me to go with my poorly DC who I'm bringing to a DC party. So what if she's been running around all day sorting stuff out and could be up to her eyes in it (like she has just basically explained)

I go for my walk with my anger of how I have been treated swimming round my head. I phone DH.

10 mins is up and I head back to the house. I put on my other head and I'm lovely at the party and I have a good time on the surface but inside I'm seething and feeling uneasy.

I go home and need to get DC checked as thy are seething still no better. I am told by GP it's a cold and maybe mucas. Keep DC warm and hydrated however a 10 minute walk in a pram won't do anything harm as long as they are properly wrapped up.

I go home and talk to DH again about my 'treatment' this afternoon. I get really upset and he reassures me he will sort it. He gets intouch with my friends DH and doesn't suffer fools gladly with his words. I'm getting more upset the more it gos on and I even start to have thoughts that DC is poorly because my friend wouldn't let us in.

We will never forget how she treated me and my baby that afternoon.

notafish · 01/12/2017 12:42

Fizz190 I don't think you should give it anymore thought. Whilst she's entitled to feel annoyed that you did not let you in, you were genuinely just about to get in the shower and later explained her about the power cut. You weren't making her stand outside whilst you stood in the kitchen waiting for the hands of the clock to reach the exact minute you'd asked people to come. You explained the circumstances, apologised and any normal person would have left it at that.

It's gracious of you to have apologised so much but I'd put it behind you now. Her Dh sounds like a controlling bully. I'd avoid engaging with them anymore on this issue - although would find it hard not to reply point out that she was being thoughtless to bring a sick baby to a house full of other babies.

ThunderboltsLightning · 01/12/2017 12:45

Agree with many pp

She was wrong to turn up so early. She should have gone for a walk around the block.

If the baby was so ill that it couldn't tolerate a short walk whilst presumably well wrapped up in the pram, it should not have been brought to a party with other babies

I wouldnt have sent them away, but I wouldnt have been very amused. I perhaps would have taken the opportunity for her to mind my baby though while i got myself sorted.

The DH is absolutely out of order to get involved. I would be mortified if my DH did that

JustDanceAddict · 01/12/2017 12:46

Shower then the woman with baby sounds even more unhinged. She may be pissed off at not being let in - But the baby didn’t get more ill or suffer from
His being walked around for 10 mins did he? If it was raining or snowing then I’m sure the OP would’ve let her in but it was sunny and crisp in London yesterday so she’s not sending her out in a gale ffs!!

EllenRipley · 01/12/2017 12:48

Omg, they sound like total nightmares! Please don't apologise to them again, completely weird over reaction on their part. I'd tell them not to bother getting over it or calming down on your behalf and steer well clear in future. And I say that as someone who is easily guilted and tends to over-apologise.

DiegoMadonna · 01/12/2017 12:50

What does NCT stand for?

P.S. the husband sounds like a huge drama queen.

ShowerGel9 · 01/12/2017 12:50

I am saying she's unhinged. she's a totally oddball. Even with her side of the story to tell.

Skittlesandbeer · 01/12/2017 12:51

If you are sap enough to apologise several times for little to no reason, then at least stand by it. Don’t think you’re being ‘nice’ and then feel entitled to let resentment grow towards her.

I get that you were stressed, have a small baby and want to do the right thing. But you took on too much, then there was an unavoidable crazy power cut and things spiraled for you. So be honest from the beginning if this kind of thing happens. No apologies required. You’re not surely trying to impress these mums? They are just like you, stressed out, not perfect.

You could have let her in, still disappeared for your shower and all would be well. They are definitely not in the right (especially the husband) but you need to chill a bit on the ‘can’t answer the door in a towel’ stuff, unless your mummies group is so ultra-snobby?

For the future: don’t apologise unless you mean you are sorry for what you did (in this case you weren’t, and were right not to be). Also mummy groups are tricky and attract all kinds (many do not fit neatly or easily into one’s friend culture). Hosting an ‘event’ this early on was bound to be a bit fraught. Next time maybe do something less formal, not at yours and relax enough to not treat it by pre-kids rules. 30 mins early pre-kids is rude & weird, after kids is ‘just how today turned out’.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 12:57

ShowerGel9

Just to be clear her little boy had been ill for a couple of days. On the morning she said he was better - he just had a blocked nose.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 01/12/2017 12:57

Why has her husband got your husbands number ( misses point)

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 13:01

"If you are sap enough to apologise several times for little to no reason"

You think that making someone wait in the cold outside a house for 10 minutes while the owner takes a shower is "little to no reason"?Hmm

And apologising is not being a sap. It is good manners.

MammaTJ · 01/12/2017 13:06

I think you should not have apologised so much, this gave them the idea that you truly were in the wrong.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 13:07

Skittlesandbeer

I agree with some of your points but not all. I was sorry for not answering the door - as I have acknowledged in previous replies, I have realised in hindsight that it was a stupid decision driven by my panic. I said sorry and I meant it until the husband weighed in. At this point I apologised just to keep the peace - this might have been the wrong thing to do but I didn't want to be responsible for creating a divide in the group. This probably makes me a sales but I'm happy to be that kind of sap.

I definitely took on too much but this was borne out of excitement initially - I love baking and loved the thought of treating everyone. And yeah probably wanted to impress - silly I know! If it hadn't been for the power cut I would have managed it all - one of my greatest weaknesses has always been a complete lack of contingency time! I won't make that mistake again!

I'm not asking the group to tell me I am right and they are wrong - there is fault on both sides. I was just blown away by the response I received from this couple and I wanted some more objective views on whether it was warranted.

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 01/12/2017 13:08

Fuck that.

These people are mad.

Don't be friends with this woman any more.

oldlaundbooth · 01/12/2017 13:09

If the son was that sick she should have taken him home! Forget the blardy party.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 13:09

Sap not sales!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 13:13

DiegoMadonna

Nct = National Childbirth Trust - they run antenatal classes

cremefresh

We all met at nct classes as couples. The boys have a whatsapp group so all have each other's numbers

OP posts:
Kitchener · 01/12/2017 13:15

The couple are both nuts! And half an hour early is very rude. I wouldn't invite her again.

Wormwoodm · 01/12/2017 13:20

Crazy reaction! If the baby was well enough to go to party he or she was well enough to go for a walk in a pram.
She was early, her fault! Not people I would be wanting to socialise with at all Im afraid, sound very precious.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/12/2017 13:21

Being significantly early for anything like this is just as rude as being late. YWNBU.

Agree their reaction is thoroughly unreasonable. Personally, I would probably actively avoid them in future as I can't tolerate ridiculous drama like this.

LoislovesStewie · 01/12/2017 13:23

If the baby was too ill to be outside for 10 minutes then he was too ill to be out full stop! and it is rude to be this early . If you go to a wedding etc and are early do you gatecrash the previous wedding ? No , of course not, you use commonsense. There were places nearby she could have gone to for 20 minutes and then wandered back to the party. Use commonsense in these matters .

LoislovesStewie · 01/12/2017 13:25

And the husband is as mad as a box of frogs . I wouldn't invite either to any party again.

pasturesgreen · 01/12/2017 13:27

Stop apologising! Arriving half an hour too early and expecting to be accommodated is the height of bad manners.

And I won't even go into the fact she brought a poorly baby to a party with lots of other children.

She sounds like extremely hard work, I'd distance myself asap. Don't feel bad, OP.

TittyGolightly · 01/12/2017 13:28

Every time you apologise you reinforce their idea that you did something wrong. You didn’t. Stop apologising. It sounds pathological!

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