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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
wednesdayswench · 01/12/2017 13:29

They are bonkers!

At least you've had early warning of what type of people they are. Avoid! avoid! avoid! from now on.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/12/2017 13:29

Why are you going over board with the apologies. I wouldn't even say you owe her her one, to be perfectly honest.
It was her choice to turn up 30 minutes early.

Tumtimes1 · 01/12/2017 13:35

I think you should have let her in and have her sit downstairs whilst you got ready. HOWEVER, I also think their reaction is way too much. You said sorry - they need to get over it. Also weird bringing an ill baby to a party. Fairly selfish.

kateandme · 01/12/2017 13:37

try to drop it into the fukit bukit and move on hun.i no its hurt.offended,cofused you somewhat this mornding and probably left your emotions a little up in the air and perplexed.but some people will take things either wrongly.diffeently.stupidly. and you can change how they have now.
all you can do now is change or level how you react to it.try and keep your chin up and move forwards and onwards.
you no you were acting from a malicious place.nor wanting to do anything wrong to this woman.so however it occurred you haven't done wrongly.
don't dwell or think on whats ifs.thatl make you sad,angry,bitter and change your day and then ongoing relations with the group.
these things happen.
most if not all agree with you no here.so that proves it was just a situation gone wrong for both parties.
take care and go and have a good day.xx

OlafLovesAnna · 01/12/2017 13:38

I think your husband should have gone with his first response and messaged the other bloke back 'what the fuck do you expect me to do about it Captain Overreaction?'

Forget it, they're being twits, you did the best you could at the time. I wouldn't make any plans with them in the future though bar the pre-arranged group stuff and I'd probably give them a wide berth at those too.

Other people's bad planning/ decisions shouldn't be forced on to you to deal with when you've got your own planning to deal with.

Tumtimes1 · 01/12/2017 13:42

Have you had any contact with the rest of the mum group on this? What do they reckon? x

NerrSnerr · 01/12/2017 13:45

I can’t be the only one who’d feel bad if they realised that friends were having to walk round the block or hang around if they arrived at my house a bit early instead of just knocking to see if I’m around? I wouldn’t think twice, I’d just let them in and show them where the teabags are. Is it really that rude to turn up to a FRIENDS house early? Are friends really that strict with each other?

They did go OTT and they’re very unreasonable about the husband texting but I still think it’s very rude to make someone wait outside. Especially a friend.

antimatter · 01/12/2017 13:46

she should have waited in a cafe, not to expect you will be at home!

would she be equally upset if you were gone shopping?

I think people assume everyone should provide and look for them whilst they are grown-ups and brought other humans to this world

you have nothing to be ashamed of! and she is first class attention seeker!

mishfish · 01/12/2017 13:46

They sound like they thrive off drama.

Have you had any comments from anyone else in the group?

OVienna · 01/12/2017 13:48

Sounds like you've managed to get yourself into the NCT group from hell - all of that cleaning, home baking, etc prior to play dates for babies, DH's throwing their weight around. Would you say you're feeling unusually anxious with these people?

OVienna · 01/12/2017 13:51

And I absolutely detest people who say to your face, I'm fine, no issue, etc "apology accepted", only to not "be okay" and resort to moaning and back stabbing. Just bloody communicate. Have it out - diplomatically. "Calm down indeed" - barking mad.

OVienna · 01/12/2017 13:54

BattleaxeGalactica Fri 01-Dec-17 10:37:59

Every time I think the barrel of barking has been scraped dry there's a trapdoor to a whole new level.

I'm getting a tattoo of this quote.

MsHarry · 01/12/2017 13:55

She came early! You have apologised profusely by the sound of it. Yanbu.

mammmamia · 01/12/2017 13:55

They are bonkers but you need to relax a bit as well. Don't go mad hosting mummy and baby parties. Just relax and enjoy your baby. It's hard to get all that done with a baby. Don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure.

MsHarry · 01/12/2017 13:56

Errr why was she bringing him to a party, ill????? Massive faux pas!

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 13:57

OVienna

Absolutely not - I was thrilled to be doing all the baking! I love it and it was great to have a reason to do it! The cleaning was a bit ridiculous but we'd just got back from holiday and the place was a mess - my husband usually does most of the cleaning but I felt bad asking him to clean especially for my friends!

They're a lovely group which is why I wanted to do something nice for them - and also why this has taken me so much by surprise!

OP posts:
OhMyGoddd · 01/12/2017 14:03

Yanbu, they're nuts, well done for baking!

OVienna · 01/12/2017 14:04

Well, that pair sound very unpleasant. I had experience of this when DD 1 was in primary school. Unfortunately the crazy parents were those of her best friend. Very aggressive people it turned out and also barking. I asked fir DD not to be in the girls class again after that. We got back on an even keel - the father later apologised- but I will always be very wary of them.

semideponent · 01/12/2017 14:06

Don't escalate it or respond further in any way. Took me a long time to learn that just a few people in the world are like this and they are best avoided altogether. You'll never have your point of view heard properly. You'll always be in the wrong. They'll always come at you with a huge grievance out of the blue and escalate from there. Most people aren't like this. Hope you can keep the friendship group and skirt round her.

Passthesalt1 · 01/12/2017 14:09

Urghhhh they sound completely pfb

TheFlame · 01/12/2017 14:12

I would be quite annoyed if someone turned up half an hour early and as I was about to get in the shower, as our bathroom is off the back of the kitchen!

she must have known she would be early before she got to the doorstep, so could have messaged before she got there to give some warning!

maybebabyyes · 01/12/2017 14:15

ill or not, I wouldn't have made a baby wait outside for ten minutes because I was too embarrassed to be seen in a towel. Put a dressing gown on, have a laugh about life getting in the way of plans and leave them to it whilst you showered quickly. With a 6 month old I'm sure you wouldn't have been long anyway so it's not like you were giving up a luxurious soak in the tub to entertain.
It's freezing, November. I'd be annoyed too

gamerchick · 01/12/2017 14:18

We all met at nct classes as couples. The boys have a whatsapp group so all have each other's numbers

The boys? I feel like I’m peering into the twilight zone here Grin I don’t get the whole baby group thing from pregnancy.

OP you need to toughen up a bit. Stop apologising, you’re not in some sort of mad commune and it’s likely you’ll all part ways at some point anyway.

Why aren’t you pissed off she brought an ill kid to your house that was going to be full of babies?

If this is pushed further tell them to wind their necks in.

kateandme · 01/12/2017 14:22

semideponent
exactly right.

I want that barrel quoute all over my walls haha

mugginsalert · 01/12/2017 14:25

Thing is you don't know that simply letting them in would have made everything ok. You could have let them in and now be receiving mad texts about making people feel uncomfortable and unwelcome because you weren't dressed and popped off to shower.

Only thing I'd say in her defence is if she is at all isolated / sleep deprived etc. with new baby...well, you don't always do your best thinking or keep things in proportion!

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