Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

I haven't had a child marry yet OP but they are coming up to that age and I am on your side. I would be deeply hurt and upset if we couldn't bring our best friends along to the whole event, especially if I offered to pay for them as well AND had helped them out with the most incredibly generous deposit. I do think you need to tell your DS this.

My DC have grown up with our best friends and their children, and I think it is pretty shit of the bride and groom to refuse you this.

I also agree with your comments about some posters not having been through this and telling you to butt out. I see this time and time again from posters whose children haven't reached a certain age, giving "good" advice about what they think it right when they are actually nearer to your children's age themselves and haven't a clue about the reality of the situation being discussed.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that the couple can review the situation.

If I desperately wanted a family member or friend to attend my DCs wedding and numbers were tight I would ask for them to be invited and pay for it myself.

They were kindly giving their daughter money

That's not true in most cases. I'm not giving my daughter money.
I'm kindly paying for her wedding. There's a difference.

Definitely

YANBU. 2 friends is not a big ask and is not "dictating the guest list". I would be extremely hurt. I think it's worth approaching your son again and explaining how you feel (and also the fact that the other couple are looking forward to the event since he gave the impression the would be invited). I'm really shocked at how many posters think YABU. The behaviour seems incredibly self centred to me.

I agree Jilly, consideration from all parties is always required. It is equally manipulative to say “my wedding, my rules, just because you’re paying, you don’t get to invite anyone (ie I don’t care about your comfort)” as it is to say “I’m your parent and paying for your wedding, I’ll invite who I want”.

This is a difficult one. I think you are being a little unreasonable. If you have asked and they have said no because of numbers. I appreciate you offered to pay for the additional guests but that’s not the point. It’s a nice offer but the guest list is theirs to decide and if they can’t have everyone they would like there I can understand why they wouldn’t want a guest or two they don’t know.

I don’t think you are dictating though. My in laws demanded extra guests (more than 2!) and their behaviour caused DH and I to go NC with them.

IF this is the only upset caused because of this wedding you’ll be getting off lightly. Weddings are notorious for upset. I’m early 40s and got married 5 years ago. DH and I paid for 95% of the wedding. It wasn’t particularly flash - £15k and 65 guests.One of my friends who was single asked if she could bring her MUM (it wasn’t a +1 invite). I said yes as I wanted her to be at our wedding and I didn’t want her feeling uncomfortable. I had a relatives daughter as a bridesmaid that I didn’t really want as I knew that the relative would gain huge pleasure in seeing her daughter as my bridesmaid, and the annoyance to me was only minor. Whilst it might be the brides big day it’s not her big day to trample over everyone else’s feelings to get what she wants......and only people who behave like that IRL would do it on their wedding day. But IMO if you are paying you get a say.

I love my DC desperately, but I could never imagine giving them £30k for a house deposit. I have to say, your son and DIL sound rather spoilt. They'll be looking to you for free childcare no doubt in the future.
Two guests is not unreasonable. Are SIL parents having any friends?
I wouldn't demean myself by keep asking any further, but there'd be no more handouts from me.

We asked our respective parents to invite a few close friends. These were people who had known me/DH since childhood and to whom it would have meant something to see us married. Random Susan-from-work wouldn't have been so welcome, but Doreen who used to babysit for DH, and Chris who taught me to tie my school tie when I was 4 were part of the tapestry of our lives as much as Auntie Doris and cousin David who I hardly see. We paid for it ourselves, and in no way would we have 'sold tickets' but old family friends made sense. They wouldn't have made the cut over close friends of ours or family members, but they were important, and DM and MIL appreciated being asked.

No, I'm sorry, but every time you say you don't expect your contribution to have bought you part of the guest list, you contradict yourself in your next few sentences. If the B&G haven't been able to fit all of their own choices onto the guest list, of course they aren't going to be receptive to the idea of dropping two of their friends so yours can come. You seem to be trying to make this all about you and how much you deserve for your generosity- which isn't really generous at all, is it?
Oh, and I'm in my 40s as well, so this isn't a generational thing. Even my mum would think you're being silly.

It's not irrational that you're upset. So many weddings seem to cause upset in the run up.

Can you sit down and have a calm conversation with your son and just ask him again if they can come? I'd hate my parents to have been unhappy on my wedding day.

Weddings are not just about the bride and groom, they are about the joining of two families This. But it sounds like the problem here is that the bride doesn’t have much family (at first I wondered if this was going to be a case like my BIL’s wedding where the wedding party was hundreds from the bride’s side and one small table for MIL and her side). The problem is compounded by the fact that the wedding is taking place 200 miles away at some sort of “destination” rather than near anyone’s home. This rules out the possibility of saying anyone welcome at the church and having some sort of evening do for b-list local guests. What is particularly embarrassing for you is that you have already as good as invited this couple. I don’t think YABU expecting to be allowed two guests - especially when you have just given the couple a big hand up onto the housing ladder. It’s not as if they are marrying much later in life after years of living together when the break with their parents has already been well and truly made. It’s not about expecting a return for your money it’s about the fact that you’ve set them on their way and they are about to cut loose. Think of this as being cut loose a bit earlier, you can ask your son again but ultimately you will have to abide by his decision.

My parents were v involved, and expected to be. DHs parents, we asked their advise and they asked for two friends who I hadn't met but it was their only request so we didn't have an issue.

Weddings are super stressful things. There were people I wanted to invite I still regret not inviting due to numbers. But I hate the idea of 'its thenbride and grooms day' in a vacuum. If it were just your day, you'd just have the two of you there. We saw our wedding as all about the guests, our family and friends, but it was still a struggle to fit everyone.

This is strange. To be honest, it would never have occurred to me. But then, I haven't been to many weddings, so perhaps I'm not really up on norms. Our wedding was miniscule so there wasn't any room to invite extra people. I would have thought that the parents would have had company with other family members, rather than expecting to invite their friends too, though if they were old family friends perhaps they'd have been considered anyway.

Traditionally it’s a third for brides parents, a third for grooms parents and a third for couples friends. That way great aunt Maud isn’t left out in favour of a lad whose a real laugh that’s met the groom on his stag night.
It’s all about communication. It’s not about money.

YANBU. Please ask.
Unless the wedding is very small (under 40 people) then I cannot think of any reason why the B&G would not agree (unless there is history concerning these 2 friends that you haven't told us about).
It would be a nice gesture to offer to pay for them but really shouldn't be necessary if you are already making a contribution.
Ask asap though rather than leaving it til table plans etc are being finalised.

I'm afraid that your DS comes across rather badly here. Having a wedding 200miles from where they and everyone else lives adds a huge amount of hassle and expense to an already expensive day. They've also made other costly wedding choices? Do their salaries match all this spending (and account for why they're happy to inflict enormous costs on all their guests?) or have they been facilitated by both sets of parents handing over £££ for house deposits and dream weddings? They come across as very entitled.

YANBU at all. They need to think of other people a bit more in general.

Is asking that 2 old family friends be invited dictating a guest list?

Ummm, yes, there's a guestlist, and they're not invited, if you try to force their hand inviting them, then you're trying to dictate the guest list, doesn't matter if it 2 people or 20 people.

Regadless if you're paying anything, it's still not your wedding. You're being unreasonable.

They sound selfish, you've gifted them a house deposit and they won't allow you two guests at a wedding. Awful behaviour.

You're not unreasonable OP, it's normal and nice to have both sets of parents invite some friends, regardless of who is paying. It's likely the parents' friends will be well known to the Bride and Groom. Perfectly expected.

My son asked me about inviting them. I said yes definitely them even if no one else. I was left thinking they were invited. We’ve chatted about outfits, where we’re staying, losing weight, hats etc and now I’ll have to say I made a mistake, you’re not invited after all.

Ah. So this is the real problem. Your assumption has led to an embarrassing situation for you, which isn't really the B&G's fault.

All of your posts come across with a touch of the martyred / passive aggressive / drama queen.

As a PP said - you keep contradicting yourself! All of the "oh it doesn't matter that I gave them loads of money" shit, when it clear it does, to you.

Fair enough if you think a £30K house deposit means you should get 2 guests. I'm sure plenty of people agree. But please, you can't say you gave the deposit as a gift with no expectations, and then bang on about it in the context of these extra guests!

You have a husband, inlaws and two grown up daughters. why do you "need" someone to feel proud with? Won't your own husband do?

Perhaps your son doesn't like this couple? (my parents have no idea that I can't stand their best friends)

I think it would be lovely of your son to include them for you, but far from something you should be upset about not happening.

I have 10 young adults I've never met coming to my wedding - 10% of the list - because I want my adult stepchildren to have a great time. I'm paying for them all, and gladly. But if I got a whiff that step children expected it, I'd be very disappointed in them.

YANBU at all. We had my parents' friends at our wedding. It was a special day for all of us, and I wanted them to enjoy it as much as we did. It isn't just about the bride and groom imho. How selfish.

I don't think it matters whether you have paid for it or not, a bit of courtesy towards your parents isn't much to ask. However, given your generosity with the house deposit and wedding costs, it's even worse that they haven't considered your wishes. They sound very entitled and self-centred.

I am totally with you OP. None of my adult DCs are getting married yet but you have given me an insight into what it could be like and I'm dreading it!

My niece got married, had the biggest most expensive wedding ever and she wanted everyone there who she had ever known in her life. Ditto bridegroom. Because of that according to her there was not enough room for another member of her immediate family to have his partner there.
She used the excuse "no ring no bring" which is just awful. This was a wedding with 250 there, and the close family member declined to attend and I don't blame them.

There were people at this wedding who had worked with the bride 10 years ago and hadn't been in touch for years. Pathetic.

When my time comes, I will be very upset if close family friends can't be there if it's a wedding of any size (I'm talking four people that's all). These are people who have known my kids all their lives and have been involved with them. I can't believe that people think it's OK to refuse some close family friends because it's 'not your wedding'. OP you are totally not BU.