Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

I think as a starting point YABU, parents nowadays do not get to dictate who is invited to the wedding and no entitlement to add names. Only seen it happen where b&g come from super wealthy family or mother of bride / groom is Mrs Bucket referring to Debretts guide to etiquette and is a streamroller. (Btw I'm a bit older than you OP and have a DS and DD married, so you can't dismiss my views on the basis I've not been through a child's wedding yet...)

If your DS was decently mannered however, he'd ask you - that is the way it goes. No entitlement on parent side, but decent b&g would consider if can and give a proper apologetic explanation if can't. Your son doesn't appear to have done that and I'm sure that hurts, as it's horrible when your children behave in a way that demonstrates that they have unpalatable values compared to our own.

I have sympathy with you OP, as I think your DS has behaved like a man child over the economic planning of his wedding (and deposit tbh) and now your DH has stepped in and enabled him. I'd be furious. What a pity your son hasn't yet learnt to behave like an adult and plan and pay his way. That would really worry me, more than the fact I couldn't invite a couple of mates to a wedding.

I'd throw a big party next summer (when b&g are on honeymoon...) and invite everyone who is important to you.

Hopefully your next child mar-tied will consider you, but I think you are pushing against a closed door and lost cause on this one.

Mother of the bride is the top of the wedding Hierarchy outside of the couple. It is the mother of the bride who should make the first move in connecting with the grooms family after the engagement for instance, traditionally she would make the arrangements for the wedding not the couple as happens now. She leaves the ceremony first after the couple and should be escorted by the grooms father and then at the reception she should be seated last right before the bride and groom. I think weddings are very important to the parents and the couple should make an effort to make the parents feel valued and important throughout. Ultimately none of it would be happening with out the parents, they made and raised you. Thank you gifts are not a thanks for the party, they are a thank you for raising me.

And yes the brides father also raised her but when these conventions were established girls were a mothers responsibility, women didn’t make it into the spot light often, the world was all about the men, your daughters wedding was the one exception when mum got to shine. Things have moved on but there is no harm in keeping to some traditions. We still serve cake, most brides wear ivory/white, many brides are ‘given away’ by their father, bride stilll carry flowers and have bride’s ‘maids’.....tradition is a hell of a lot of what a wedding is

In a minority here. I would always ask my parents and DH's parents who they wanted to invite. It's 'our' day but we are part of a broader family and the wedding is to celebrate that. I have to say I don't get the 'it's my wedding, my rules' attitude. It's fine if you have crazy ILs but your parents' oldest and closest friends- nah, that's not in the same league. That's just being respectful. But then I have an excellent relationship with my parents and my in laws (for the most part, MIL means well but has her batshit moments).

I like debretts, most of the etiquette is actually stuff that makes people feel comfortable, -never serve anything on a fork buffet that can’t be cut with a fork, always let people know the end time of the party so they can book taxis, dress codes that allow people to feel confident on what is appropriate for what occasion so no one is left to feel out of place, by bein under or over dressed. Etiquette might sound outdated but actually it is based on giving rules so everyone can know what is expected of them and it oils the wheels of social gatherings.

No

In fact, when my sister got married I was 16. She invited my three best friends so I wasn't bored and at my wedding she invited 5-6 of her closest friends who had known me since birth. I also can't imagine getting married without my aunts- I absolutely adore them and when my niece gets married, I will be very sad if there is no place for me on the guest list.

But we are not insular and I am also part of the MN minority that welcomed and encouraged guests post partum- not randoms but grandparents and siblings and partners, were welcome without question.

There are some really selfish views on this thread.

I find that the selfishness always comes from the females..be it the DIL..the DM or the MIL.

In this case I see the selfishness coming from the DIL.

No wonder there are MIL problems in the future when you start out like this.

When planning a wedding the guest list should be established prior to booking the venue so it can be deemed what can be afforded and how large the venue needs to be without culling important guests from the list. To find yourself limited on numbers having not included key people is just poor planning.

I like debretts, most of the etiquette is actually stuff that makes people feel comfortable

In other words, the very definition of good manners

Quite, but written down for stupid people who lack basic empathy and manners to start with

I'm always reminded of some documentary about the running of Buck House, where there was a brilliant quote from the head of the household or someone:

"We don't have etiquette here" ... pause for effect ... "but we do have very good manners"

I find that the selfishness always comes from the females..be it the DIL..the DM or the MIL

It was nice of you to outright state that you're a misogynist so we can all ignore what you say, thanks

rousette I thought I was pretty clear. Whilst it may be polite for the b&g to ask their parents if they would like to invite anyone, I don't think the parents should expect them to do so/think they have a right to invite people. I don't dispute that it's considerate. I do dispute that it's a requirement.

For me it comes down to this - if there are say 50 spaces at the wedding and the bride and groom have 50 people they want to invite (including family and those of their parents friends who they have chosen to invite) and the parents would like to invite 2 others, who are NOT on the b&g's list, clearly either the b&g will have to lose out on having 2 friends there or the parents will. I don't understand why most posters seem to be saying it's the b&g who have to compromise here.

Also a lot of the traditions around weddings are from a time when women were the property of men, all that crap about it being the MoB's "one chance to shine" - my mother had a very successful career and multiple opportunities in her life to shine and certainly wasn't holding out for her "big moment" at my wedding getting to be escorted by my DH's father. I'll have to let her know she missed out!

Harriet technically the bride and groom only have an allocation of 16 or 17 guest then don’t they? Unless they are intending to cover the cost of this event themselves, if they are ‘expecting’ the parents to also pay for this party then it’s also the parent’s party and is quite fair for them to ‘expect’ some of their guests. You really do need to stop thinking of this as exclusively the b&g’s day, it just isn’t. If they want it that way they need to pay for it and even then be willing to accept that they have still hurt people who love them.
‘My day, look at me, I want’ are all extremely childish viewpoints and i’d Expect the divorce to follow not too far behind. My experience of bridezillas is the marriages don’t last as the maturity just isn’t there yet.

You are deliberately deflecting with points about feminism as some kind of justification for thoughtless, selfish attitudes and behaviour. Just because the historical context has changed doesn’t mean the expectation and respect towards mums or parents has to.

harriet re your last para, I'm the same as your DM on that one, when or if any of mine get married, it will be their day and the last thing on earth I would want to do is shine on their day, I'd rather sink into the background!

Of course in your 50 space wedding scenario, I would not be shoehorning in an extra few friends thereby jeopardising who they want there. Especially if they've included family and family friends in their 50 which is a different kettle of fish to having all their friends and no one else.

Unless they are intending to cover the cost of this event themselves, if they are ‘expecting’ the parents to also pay for this party then it’s also the parent’s party and is quite fair for them to ‘expect’ some of their guests. You really do need to stop thinking of this as exclusively the b&g’s day, it just isn’t. If they want it that way they need to pay for it and even then be willing to accept that they have still hurt people who love them

Phale you've put it so much better than me. My point throughout this thread has been 'you can't have it all ways'. I've said endlessly you can't expect your parents to shell out mega bucks but have no one at all that they want at the wedding to share the day. That is selfish and grabby.

Moral of the story - talk about this from day one with your DC.

phalenopsis there's no need to be so passive aggressive - I'm just playing devil's advocate. FWIW I am a feminist, and quite pleased that a lot of the outdated wedding concepts have been abandoned.

I'm just curious because where there is a disagreement, someone has to compromise. You seem to think it should always be the b&g, whereas I don't see why that automatically has to be the case.

If there aren't enough spaces for the guests that everyone wants, someone has to lose out. You could equally say that the parents were being selfish for wanting their friends at the exclusion of some of the bride and groom's, couldn't you?

Another way of looking at is to say that if the parent can't accept that they don't get to dictate things, they don't have to pay. No one is forcing them to give their child money, presumably they do it because they love their children and want them to be happy and have a good day. Maybe that would also include letting their children choose who they want to attend. Or maybe not, clearly.

I am still uncomfortable with the concept that contributing means you get to prioritise what you want over what they want, unless you've said so up front. The OP hasn't even suggested this.

Out of interest, does anyone else think this "it's the B&G's day and nobody else's business" has something to do with ghastly guest experiences?

Nothing much to eat and drink? Hanging around for hours while photos are taken? Massively inconvenient locations? Unhinged dress codes? Endless chiselling for cash?

Never mind ... it's all about meeeeee!!!!

Of course you’re not unreasonable! At our wedding we had my il’s best friends and also my fathers best friends- it’s good manners and surely part of planning a guest list is to ensure that everyone on it has people there they know and whose company they enjoy.

I’m sorry to say the bride and groom sound ill mannered and grabby!

Having her own friends there did keep my mother nicely occupied, which had its benefits. 😀

That's a great article, Yippee.