Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

You've paid the deposit on their house.
You've given some money towards their wedding.

And people are debating whether you can invite 2 guests?!

Unfortunately exactly the same thing happened to one of my best friends. I advised her to be very honest and to tell them how upset you are by this ridiculous situation. It worked and she was actually given 4 invites to give to whoever she wished.

When I got married I automatically invited one set of my parents friends (and DH did the same) because they were people we had a relationship with ourselves!

My DM asked for another couple and at first I was reluctant because we had a relatively small venue and I didn’t really feel like I had a relationship with them. But then I got over myself and the numbers worked so they came and they were really happy to be there.

My parents paid for my dress FYI and because we wouldn’t accept any other money from them put a wonderfully large amount behind the bar as a surprise my clever parents.

We invited my parents' best friends - we offered, they didn't ask. I know they're quite shy and would enjoy it much more with friends there. We asked DH's parents, but they said they were happy with just family.

The thing is, ideally this would all be done mutually and happily, with the couple offering rather than parents demanding. There was a general understanding that it was up to us (we invited very few family because neither of us have close extended families) but that it was important to us that they were happy. This is partially a product of relationships being pretty solid all round.

Everything sounds so fraught and tense, and you do sound quite passive-aggressive. But then it doesn't sound like they're behaving well either. If you're only 40 (in which case your own wedding can only have been in the late 90s at the earliest, so I don't know why everyone's acting like you had a 1940s style knees-up!) then the couple must be very young? I wonder if they just haven't quite grasped how incredibly lucky they were to get a paid-for wedding and a house deposit at this age. I do think they need to be a bit more grateful and a bit more thoughtful, but that has to come naturally - you can't force people to be considerate, it doesn't work!

What a shame, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Asking for two close friends (and offering to pay for them) isn't too much to ask. I wonder if your son knows how you feel? I would be gutted if my parents were upset about an important event like this.

I and most of my friends got married between 5-10 years ago, which is a while ago but not long enough for a massive shift in norms I don’t think. At mine and my friends weddings it was absolutely normal for parents of b&g to have some friends there esp. family friends. Your son and fdil are being rather self absorbed. I think you should speak to your son about it. Part of being married and growing up is learning how to consoder others’ emotional needs so it’s not a bad lesson for him is it?

I'd be interested to hear your son's take on it and your husbands reasons for thinking you're BU.

Im with you OP. I think 2 friends is perfectly reasonable.

I invited my parents friends to our wedding but dh's side was more filled up by family. My dp didnt pay. Mil didnt pay either and did invite random family guests that i didnt get much choice about. She said she'd pay the extra cost but didnt.

I think you just need to speak to your ds and ddil(2b) and say you really would appreciate your 2 friends being invited. If they say they havent got the room id be saying that you are not happy and you dont really understand. Say it is causing you some resentment that they are happy to accept help towards a house and money towards the wedding (yes id go there!) but a small consideration on the guest list is beyond them. Keep it unemotional. Say that you hate having to ask and you dont want to fall out over it. As this is the new familt dynamic you want to be able to talk to them and be honest. Rather than resentful as its not your style. But thats it no more requests about the wedding.

Regadless if you're paying anything, it's still not your wedding

If I wasn't paying anything, the guest list would be considerably smaller, and in the local village hall.

A bit of consideration is all that's required.

It isn't the OP's event though it's her son and DIL's. I never asked my parents or inlaws who they wanted to invite to either of my weddings. They offered money but if it had been with strings attached I would have declined. We both lived away from our parents and had careers though so didn't see our weddings as their events but our events. If my parents want to invite their friends out for dinner they can do so on other occasions, the wedding isn't their event.
When my kids get marry it wouldn't occur to me to try and invite my friends along and I have never been to the wedding of a child of any of my friends.

We gave our DD and SIL a substantial donation towards their wedding but I never wanted strings attached. They did choose to invite some of our friends, who had been a big part of their childhood, but there was no expectation that they would.

Traditionally the groom's parents don't get a say in the guest list, nor do they contribute to the costs.

However as you are chipping in, I would have a word with your DS and ask him if he can invite the couple you want to invite.

(Haven't RTFT)

It must be hard for the b&g though if they’re having to make actual cut backs (ie aunts and uncles as you mentioned which may also be cutting friends too) and then they are being asked to invite relative strangers. They may be wary of offending their friends if they invite parents friends but not their own. It does seem bizarre to expect your own friends to be there to me tbh.

Several people have asked what DS's reason is. OP says:

the reason they’ve given is that they can’t even invite all of their own friends so don’t want family and others taking up places.

She then says there's no limit on places and that they're offering to pay extra for this couple.

OP, I'm lost? Either there's no limit on places and this couple won't be taking up a place of a dear friend the wedding couple would really love to have there, or there is and they will. Why do you say there isn't and your son says there is?

I'm shocked that people are saying OP is being treated badly. They are obviously planning a smallish wedding with close friends and immediate family. I've been engaged twice and both weddings were derailed by pushy parents wanting basically their own wedding with extended family we've never met etc. Just let them plan something that they are comfortable with and won't saddle them with debt.

YANBU. They are being selfish. To deny you the joy of sharing this very special day with your two closest friends (not 10 or 20, a mere 2) is very sad and reeks of bridezilla/groomzilla. Have you offered to pay the cost of the meal for these additional two as if there is no venue limit and it costs them no more then I don't understand why they would refuse other than being sheer bloody minded. I'm sorry for you. At our wedding we asked our parents who they would like to attend and we paid as their Iove and support over the years had allowed us to be who we are and if they wanted to share that with some of their friends (who each of us had also grown up with) then that was the least we could do. I hope you get a positive resolution OP.

I've now read the thread, and think OP that your DS is being a bit unreasonable as presumably he knows this couple quite well. I always thing weddings are family celebrations for all generations, not just the B&Gs.

There are likely to be guests who drop out or can't come though, could you ask your DS to put your friends at the top of the "B" list?

I'm with the OP. You're not being unreasonable at all. The B and G are being selfish. I can see why you feel hurt and a bit used.

They sound like selfish arses.

Explain your feelings to your son calmly and factually. That you are ok with NO extended family being asked but as John and Mary are long term friends you would really like them to share in the day.

If he still refuses then stop handing him money. He's clearly a spoiled brat.

Weddings are about family and celebration.

We paid for our own wedding but sat with our parents and agreed who we would ask amongst their friends/neighbours. It's called respect.

Just let them plan something that they are comfortable with and won't saddle them with debt.

But the OP and the bride's parents are both covering this so presumably they are getting a lot they couldn't otherwise.

I'd completely expect my parents to want to share this event with their longtime best friends and, even if I'm not close to said friends, would hope they would be equally happy to come and celebrate having watched me grow up.
The finances just add a level of 'guilt', but I consider the DS being unfair and selfish.

I told my mom she could invite 4 people. My mother in law had a bigger say but she was contributing a lot 😀

My parents and their close friends have all attended each others' children's weddings, including mine. I don't think YABU OP. I wouldn't say it in real life because obviously each to their own, but I'm really not on board with the idea that weddings are about the B&G having their perfect day at whatever expense. Clearly their wishes are the most important, but I think considering your families and your guests is important as well.

We wanted our wedding to be a chance for a nice family get together, where everyone could have a good meal, in a convenient location where minimal guests had to pay for an overnight stay, where the bar wouldn't be expensive. As the hosts, we wanted our guests to have a lovely day to celebrate our marriage with us. So when we planned the wedding the guest list came first, and a rough budget, and we then looked for venues accordingly. I would have hated a wedding where we knew people were feeling put out for any reason. Our parents are important to us and I can understand why they wanted their closest friends to share a huge event in their lives.

YABU - It's their wedding and it's up to them who they want to share their special day with.

Never take money off family because there are always conditions and expectations attached!

When I got married my MiL wanted to invite her best friend, but my DH really disliked her and was quite upset at the idea of her being there. We did not invite her and had to control the guest list quite tightly so it didn’t “out” my DH’s intense dislike of this woman. Made things quite awkward.

I think YABU expecting to be consulted, though it would be considerate for your DS and fiancée to do so if they have no objections. But it sounds like you were consulted and given the impression it was all OK, so YANBU to be upset with them for putting you in such a poor position with your friend. Though you might consider whether it would look that way to your DS - since you sound like you may have a few assumptions about how it should all happen that he does not share, this could have coloured your assessment of what he was trying to say to you.

I feel for you - you’re excited about this important event in your DS’s life as he takes another step on in the world and have been anticipating it with a friend you’ve probably shared so many of his triumphs with, and now you’re embarrassed to tell her he doesn’t see her as important. I can see how that would be a bit gutting. YANBU to be upset, it’s just it may not be your DS’s fault.

I'm just bemused by this thread. When I planned our wedding it wouldn't have occurred to me to invite my parents friends. I made sure that everyone had a plus one so that meant that my friends mum came instead of her partner, it meant a couple of people brought v new boyfriends who I had never met but I wanted everyone to feel comfortable. We went out of our way to plan the day around our guests and their enjoyment and comfort. I invited all our close family and our close friends. But it wouldn't have occurred to me to invite my parents friends.

My wedding was paid for by my parents and PILs equally. Neither side asked for any say in the guest list, or indeed anything else. They were very clear that it was our wedding and we should do what we wanted, and that they were paying as a gift not in order to have a say. We didn't have a massive do, and we both invited family friends that we felt close to because we wanted them there. Neither sets of parents would have wanted us to invite people that we didn't want to share our day with simply due to a sense of obligation.

So I think YABU. It's not your wedding, and therefore not your place on guest list.