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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

480 replies

thedowntontrout · 30/11/2017 23:53

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

OP posts:
Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 02:24

Obviously our relationship is not what I thought it was...

I’m irrationally upset by this.

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 01/12/2017 02:26

I don't think it's irrational tbh.

I'd just be pissed off and tell my son why.

Atenco · 01/12/2017 02:27

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. Hopefully this is just a selfish stage your son and his bride are going through.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 01/12/2017 02:29

Egads that sounds so bratty. Honestly regardless of who pays I’d like to be kind and loving to the people who raised me and my partner and friendly to their near and dear ones. My parents paid for most of our wedding but we accommodated several friends of both my and DHs parents. More goodwill as you start a life together is better than some fancy place settings or “dream” destination IMO.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 01/12/2017 02:31

Mine is an old fashioned view.

There is a budget
There is a guest list (agreed between all parties)
The day then has to be arranged to suit both elements and those invited are guests and one is courteous to guests, whatever the occasion.
Weddings are not just about the bride and groom, they are about the joining of two families and the marriage should be at the heart of them not the party.
I'm with the op here - they sound horribly entitled.

OldWitch00 · 01/12/2017 02:33

it's not irrational. I too would explain exactly why to my son.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 01/12/2017 02:35

Yeah, weddings are about more than just the bride and groom! But that’s a seriously unpopular view here I gather.

Then again I wonder if these are the same people who want to bar ILs from visiting newborns for the first few weeks, and get incredibly annoyed if anyone wants to involve themselves in their lives in any way.

Ah well. Fwiw I think you have a right to feel hurt OP and I’m sorry.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 02:43

Darthmaiden thank you.

It feels like a power struggle but I’m not sure why. My son asked me about inviting them. I said yes definitely them even if no one else. I was left thinking they were invited. We’ve chatted about outfits, where we’re staying, losing weight, hats etc and now I’ll have to say I made a mistake, you’re not invited after all. 😮

OP posts:
OldWitch00 · 01/12/2017 02:45

then you meet up in person drink wine and moan how the bride is a bitch.
go back to your son and insist.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 02:46

😂😂😂

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 01/12/2017 02:47

How many ppl are going in total? And a few extra grand to cover the two best friends seems highly overpriced! No wonder if b&g wanted to keep numbers down to a minimum, tbh.

Actually, if you paid £30000 towards this wedding (and pil paid even more), plus a large amount for their house deposit, I think you've been way too generous. They're obviously not grateful at all, and this is the icing on the (very expensive wedding) cake. No doubt they'll be expecting more down the line. Do what you need to enjoy the wedding (guilt trip/pay extra) then leave them too it.
Oh, and rewrite your will so all your money goes to the local pet charity.

SenecaFalls · 01/12/2017 02:50

go back to your son and insist.

I agree. Especially since he led you to believe that they would be invited and you have already mentioned it to them.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 02:55

Wow no! The wedding isn’t costing that.

That was the deposit for their house.

OP posts:
vwlphb · 01/12/2017 03:20

So is this really about the fact that you thought your friends were invited and now you discover that the B&G didn't have the same understanding and it's going to be embarrassing if you have to uninvite them?

How did the misunderstanding come about?

tillytown · 01/12/2017 03:55

The OPs problem is with her son, so why is the bride a bitch?

OldWitch00 · 01/12/2017 03:58

because she holds the son by the short and curly's obviously.
son's are notorious for not standing up for their family and cow toeing to the "bridezilla" .

MrsZB · 01/12/2017 04:32

I would be interested to hear the other side of this story.

SpareASquare · 01/12/2017 05:03

Yeah, I usually like to hear both sides of a story. Not sure it would matter here. Can't think of any way where the bride and groom are anything more than selfish, entitled human beings.
That is an awful lot of money they've had fall in to their laps. Yet they can't make this one, small concession?
Did they contribute anything themselves? To the deposit or the wedding? If not, look forward to a lifetime of being expected to bail them out OP.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 01/12/2017 05:53

YABU. You shouldn't give money to your children on the basis that it buys you things. My parents gave me £25k for my wedding and never made a single request because it was our wedding (mine and dh's) not theirs. They wouldn't have dreamed of making demands. They were kindly giving their daughter money, not sponsoring a corporate event.

My PIL offered to pay for some extra guests. It felt so disrespectful... like they were trying to buy tickets to a show. They just had no understanding that, having spoken to both families, DH and I had put a huge amount of care and thought into a guest list that was meant to balance what everyone wanted and still leave us with a day we would be comfortable with... They just had to demand something more. But then, they always do!

rizlett · 01/12/2017 06:16

I think things have changed a lot regarding weddings over the years. They are often quite lavish affairs these days and generally the B&G are more open about having exactly what they want. Check out some of the threads on mn!

Personally I wouldn't want someone I don't know at my wedding - no matter who they were.

It was your kind choice to make a gift of money - for the house and the wedding - giving money doesn't come with guarantees so maybe decide its ok not to give money if you really can't do it unconditionally.

Perhaps explain the problem to your friends and do something else with them - it's ok to make mistakes and enjoy the fact that your son is having the wedding he really wants with the people there he really cares about.

AmethystRaven · 01/12/2017 06:21

Maybe a bit unfair to be calling the bride a bitch? (Don't know though, she might be!)

My MIL asked if their neighbours could come but we said no as we were trying to keep the numbers down. It was because I'm very shy and I was nervous of having people that I know very well there, let alone people I had only said a passing hello to! In the end DH's cousin dropped out so we got 'oh Sue and Bill can come now then' and we felt like we couldn't say no. They came, and MIL hardly spoke to them on the day Confused

If it's upsetting you this much though, say something as they probably don't realise and wouldn't want you to feel like that.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 01/12/2017 06:24

These days as people often live away from family, both H&w have careers they see and lean on their friends more than family. They are the people that have probably counselled the b&g through numerous life events in recent years. I think this is why friends are taking precedence over what we’re the traditional wedding guests. It’s v much a generational thing I think. However if my parents had paid so much towards our wedding (or indeed just asked I would have let them bring along a couple of their friends I had known since childhood. Things like this goes to show that parenting never really gets easy and never pans out how you imagined. I hope you all have a lovely day whatever the guest list

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2017 06:28

You have given a deposit on their house and contributed toward the wedding. Tbh even if you hadn’t contributed a bean, this is about you feeling comfortable at your own son’s wedding. I can totally imagine it will be very awkward for you and your dh if the only people of your generation there are your dils parents. It would be different if they’d invited aunts and uncles. This reads as though they’ve invited all their friends and the parents are a necessary but inconveniencing add on. Very self absorbed.

Talk to your ds. Explain that you will feel uncomfortable and need someone of your own generation to talk to, to share the moment with and to dance with other than his pils. Perhaps do it in terms of being in a nightclub and being the out of place crusties in the corner, who just want to fit in.

JillyJellybean · 01/12/2017 06:29

I don't see why just because parents pay they get to dictate a guestlist

Is asking that 2 old family friends be invited dictating a guest list?

DappledThings · 01/12/2017 06:40

YANBU. My parents paid for most of our wedding (£10k) but it wasn't because of that that we invited some of their friends. It was because they were people who had been part of my life for many years too and although I wouldn't be in touch with them directly myself I know how close they are to my parents and that they have seen me grow up and it meant a lot to them. It was great to then see the same people at my brother's wedding 5 years later. Is it generational? Maybe, I'm 38 and got married at 32, make of that what you will!

The friends DH's parents wanted to invite I was a little less happy about because they were new. Not part of DH's childhood but neighbours they had had for only about 3 years. They have since all fallen out although obviously we couldn't have known that at the time.

It wasn't even a discussion for us really, our parents were always going to have a few of their friends there because it's a huge day for them and entirely reasonable for them to want to share it with their closest friends (although I'm still a bit resentful of the newness of DH's parent's choices but still wasn't U of them)

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