Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

No it’s a pain. Our PIL decided they wanted to invite certain guests to our wedding. This meant going without some of our own friends who we’d have much rather have there.
It’s their wedding not yours.

We paid for our own wedding and picked our own guests. We had a couple of family friends we weren't particularly close to but I wouldn't have had friends that were just friends of our parents. I think this sort of thing is a good reason to pay for your own wedding. I do also suspect that this expectation is something that has changed over time.

Lolipop so out of interest. Did they pay towards the wedding or did you pay for it yourselves? I mean, you’re really saying it’s ok to take £30000 off someone but they’re the pain to ask for 2 guests at a wedding?

It might help OP, just to think of the wedding as a gift as they are usually given without conditions. I think that other couples would have let you bring your friends but they might have felt resentful that they missed out on sharing their day with people they cared about. Do you know anyone else going, or will you be with strangers?

I felt that the house deposit was a gift without conditions. It was a lot of money.
The brides parents offered to pay for the wedding but it doesn’t cover it and the guest list has suffered. We have then offered to contribute as well, as we expected to anyway.
They have made some very expensive choices though and that is why numbers have had to be cut.
I don’t think that money should buy you leverage over the guest list. Not at all. I really did think it was etiquette to involved both sets of parents in some sort of discussion.

I'm not sure I follow the notion of if you've paid for the wedding (or house deposit in this case) you suddenly have more power to sway decisions. Either you can afford it and it's a gift to your child or not. Why does it come with strings attached?

Having said that, without knowing the reasons why B&G aren't keen on inviting those particular friends, I do think it's a little harsh. But it is their wedding and while it would be nice for them to offer, they are under no obligation.

Sprinkles I don’t think money should give me any sway. It is other people asking if we are contributing or not and I hav3 explained that we are.

I’m not trying to buy places on the guest list. I’m asking if people think I’m BU for expecting to be consulted on the guest list. There have never been any strings attached.
Obviously you think my expectations are too high wanting our two best friends to share the joy of my sons wedding.

I don't think the fact of getting married allows you to dispense with all consideration for the other people involved, and when those people make a reasonable request that is easy to accommodate, it should be granted.

Of course. I certainly hope times haven't changed to the extent that the very reasonable request of a parent would not be granted. Much of the so-called "modern" approach to weddings these days seems to involve outright selfishness. I think a bit of generosity on the part of the bride and groom should be expected.

if one side of the family (grooms in this case) is extremely small it is certainly reasonable to have a few friends invited so the small group has people they can chat and enjoy the event with.
i'd be seething if the bride's side was 75 strong and the grooms side was a half table of 6! inconsiderate.

Senecafalls
Thanks. Consideration is all I expected.

My DS married 6 months and the couple asked me who I would like . I mentioned two very dear friends. Our sons have been friends since they were 3 years old. DS and his partner looked at me and said "Surely you want this one, that one etc.

My response was "Yes it would be lovely but this is your day and you choose who you want""

To tell you the truth It sounds as though this is a case of you "reap what you sow"" They both sound really self absorbed and entitled. Unfortunately this is a result of their upbringing.

It really sounds as though you have outlived your usefulness to them. You sound like such a lovely person.

I think it is less unreasonable knowing that the wedding is some distance away and will involve spending a couple of days there. The B&G aren't going to be around for much socialising and I would hate to think of my parents not having anyone to spend that time with. Our best friend came from a different city to our wedding and stayed at my parent's house the night before with me. The night of our wedding OH & I stayed at a hotel and forgot about our best friend staying with my parents still tbh but he had fun with my dad :)

If you don't expect money to give you more sway why did you comment about "stumping up" more money?

I understand you're excited and proud but pushing the issue isn't going help. You asked and they said no. You said your husband said you're unreasonable. I understand you'd have liked more consideration but you might need to let this go x

Oldwitch it’s not even that really. I think the brides side haven’t much family so grooms side aren’t having family either. They both want their own friends instead of family. That’s fine.

I just hoped my best friend would be able to be there too.

chat to your son.

but I guess we’ll just have to stump up another few grand and smile
Then don't. They are presumably grown adults capable of working and supporting themselves? So should be able to pay for the majority of their own wedding. If you've contributed 30 k and her parents even more then that is amazing ridiculous amount for a wedding anyway especially to then say they can't afford for x and y to come. If you don't want to pay , dont5

It's not tit for tat or quid pro quo, of course, but I do think it is normal to try to help people who have helped you, to be generous with people who have been generous with you. But somehow because it's a wedding, and the wedding industry has helped feed this notion of "your day, your way", normal courtesy goes out the window.

I don't think parents should be involved or consulted in a discussion. However I think if parents feel there is someone who would be hurt if they're not invited they have a right to point that out and ask if they can come. My Mum did with a Great Aunt. It was no problem.

It does tend to come down to numbers. Currently if I'm right it's the six of you and they've chosen an out of the way location and you've also hinted they'd made expensive choices. If it's a 70-80 wedding with sit-down meal, then an extra two for you makes ten per cent or over.

Clearly it's up to the B&G these days. Give it one more try, gracefully, then accept any refusal.

TBH Rainbow I feel a bit used. The reason I brought up money was because others asked as that seems to mean to them that if you’re paying you have some say.
I never felt like that, I just expected to contribute and completely separate to that was the thought that we would be asked if there was anyone we’d lik3 to invite as that was how it was in my day.
I’m not sure how many times I have to say it.
However it’s quite clear that some people on here expect parents to wave cheques about whilst being totally dismissive of them. Good luck when it’s your DC s getting married 😂
Clearly at the ripe old age of 40 something I’ve no idea about etiquette these days.

milliemolly yes you’re right. So is 10% unreasonable. I hadn’t looked at it in percentages.

If it's a 70-80 wedding with sit-down meal, then an extra two for you makes ten per cent or over.

So what?

Maybe the parents, siblings and best friends could just stay home. Then it would be 0 percent and they could just have friends of the B and G. Parents do seem to be surplus to requirements, except for the financial contribution. Oh, and the house.

You are being used!!
Look at the percentage if you stumped up 30% of the bill you should enjoy 30% of the guest list.
Your son and dil are being immature and selfish.

Are you sure they actually like your friends? It sounds like they're not keen.

And I don't agree you get a say if you pay, I think it depends more on the relationship with your parents, though I appreciate a lot of posters disagree.

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

Asking for a couple of close friends, with no other stipulations about the wedding is a courtesy the B&G should graciously accept given your financial contribution.

If they have chosen to spend xyz on extravaganza thus reducing the size of the guest list then they should suck it up to the tune of 2 people.

If their "friends" were so vital then they should have budgeted for a wedding to accommodate them all.

Your son needs to be put on the naughty step....