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Original poster

Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

480 replies

thedowntontrout · 30/11/2017 23:53

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

OP posts:
sophiepotato · 01/12/2017 00:14

Does either the bride or groom know and like the guests? My MIL wanted to invite about ten people my DH had never met or had any relationship with. There was a firm upper limit of the number of people the venue could hold and in the end we had to put our feet down and say no.

I think it's fine to suggest guests but the bride and groom are the ones getting married. If they don't know or don't like the guests then they aren't appropriate guests for the wedding.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 00:16

Happy to let them get on with it. Haven’t made any stipulations apart from when my son asked and I said so and so.
Did also offer to pay extra for them. There is no limit on the venue size.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 01/12/2017 00:17

Well then just assert yourself they have a bloody house because of you!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 01/12/2017 00:17

Nope not your day

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/12/2017 00:18

It sounds like your son feels he has no relationship with them, or certainly not enough to warrant an invite to his wedding.

Can I ask why you want them there so much?

recklessgran · 01/12/2017 00:22

Your wedding so your say. However if parents are paying then they should have some say in terms of family members/friends I think. Notwithstanding you should be able to invite who you want at YOUR wedding IMO. [The evening reception covers a multitude of sins.]

semideponent · 01/12/2017 00:25

Absolute minefield. It sounds like there's a rather fragile sense of 50:50 so far - you say you're contributed to deposit + wedding and the other family more to the wedding. Impossible to exactly account for means-adjusted spend...and I doubt you want to, anyway. Play the long game as it's not worth fighting over. If B's family have more guests anyway, put your case now - good company, long term friends. If that doesn't fit, see if you can get them onto the top of the reserve list. Either way, it's their wedding so you need to accept their decisions.

StarWarsFanatic · 01/12/2017 00:25

I would mention it to DC & see what they say and if they are not happy about it don't mention it to their OH. I wasn't bothered about my mum inviting her best friend and husband, gave her someone to talk to & I know she had more fun with her there.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 01/12/2017 00:26

I don't see why just because parents pay they get to dictate a guestlist. Its not their wedding. Bride and Groom should always get final say.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 00:26

Ha livefornaps, they do.
I get the differing views here although I suspect the ones saying butt out it’s not your wedding haven’t reached the stage where their children are getting married.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here but my DH thinks I am.
I know when we got married we accommodated our parents wishes.
They don’t want much family there as they want their friends. It’s fair enough.
There is no barrier to our friends attending other than it being their choice not to invite them.
I do wonder how many people’s parents here actually just wrote checks for their weddings without actually being involved in any wedding planning at all though.

OP posts:
semideponent · 01/12/2017 00:27

you're = you've

HeddaGarbled · 01/12/2017 00:29

For your (and my) generation, it was expected that aunts and uncles and old family friends would be on the guest list and that some of the bride and groom's friends would also be invited.

Nowadays, the bride and groom's friends are the priority guests, immediately family next, wider family next and old family friends are right at the bottom of the invitation list.

When I got married, my mum did most of the organising, she had conversations with my future MIL that I wasn't involved in and they agreed the allocated numbers between them and I was told how many of my own friends I was allowed to invite!

Times have changed. Now it's the other way around.

I think it would be reasonable for you to suggest an invitation for your friends, but if it's a no, I think you'll need to just accept that.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 00:34

Really need to be clear here- I’m not trying to dictate the guest list. I haven’t asked for anything except this one couple who have been our long term best friends, I haven’t stipulated any family.
There is no evening do as the wedding is 200 miles from where any of us live, including bride and groom. The guests are having to spend 2 days away to be able to attend.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/12/2017 00:37

I think you've just got to accept that times have changed and that the answer is no. If they want their friends there more than distant family it makes sense that they're not interested in having Mum & Dad's old friends.

IvorHughJarrs · 01/12/2017 00:38

Back when DH and I got married, weddings were more organised by and for parents. We and most of our friends only got to invite a few people as the venues were filled with family (even when not that close) and parents' friends
Now it seems to have swung totally the other way and it is all about the couple's friends at the expense of family and old friends

I think two guests for parents is perfectly reasonable

Brandbrandbrandy · 01/12/2017 00:39

Why don’t they want them there? Seeing that you are willing to pay for them it seems odd and churlish of them to not to invite the friends of parents who presumably they’ll know. Unless there’s a massive back story

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 00:43

milktwosugars oh of course he knows them, admittedly the bride less so, but still quite well.
I’d like them there as I’d really like someone I know to share my pride in my son getting married. It’d be nice to have a friend there to chat to. Maybe that sounds selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 00:45

brandbrandbrandy the reason they’ve given is that they can’t even invite all of their own friends so don’t want family and others taking up places.

OP posts:
VeryHappyIndeed · 01/12/2017 00:47

Hi! I think you are not being unreasonable. When I got married, my husband and I paid for the majority of it, and my parents contributed a little bit. I asked my PIL if they wanted to invite any of their friends, and also invited their close family.

They were not expecting it but felt really pleased, which in turn made my husband happy. I never felt that because they were not paying anything for the wedding, they could not invite any friends. We had a limit in the number of guests, so told them how many we would be able to accommodate. They just invited 2 couples and none of them came because they could not travel but made my PIL happy to be able to invite them, as they were their life long friends.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/12/2017 00:49

It doesn't sound selfish OP, of course it would be nice. It does sound a bit like using the wedding as a place to catch up with your friends and have a meal out with them. I'm not saying that is your intention, just that it's coming across that way to me a bit. It might be how your son is seeing it too.

Although it may be complicated in the "if we invite A&B then we have to invite X&Y and I can't stand Y so we'll have none of them" way.

liverbird10 · 01/12/2017 00:50

Um, nope. It's the bride and groom's day, obviously. Up to them who is invited.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 00:50

Hedda and Ivor yes I think you understand where I’m coming from. Maybe it’s a generational thing.

It’s just made me very sad. I didn’t think I was asking a lot but I guess we’ll just have to stump up another few grand and smile.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 01/12/2017 00:51

I don’t see you as being unreasonable at all, and I think your son and soon to be daughter in law are being a bit unreasonable. It’s two people, not twenty. The venue has no limit, you’ve offered to pay, and they would then pay for their own accomodation. I don’t really understand why they would or have said no. I would ask them one more time. But firmly. I would really appreciate if X could be there because I am so proud of you both. Your father and I will give you extra money to the catering of these guests. I u derstandthat it is of course your day, but I would love them to share that with you, and us. If you don’t feel that is reqasonable or in keeping with the day you’ve planned, I u derstand and accept that, but I felt it important to ask and explain why I would love to have them there. If the answer is no, it’s no- but at least you’ve explained yourself fully.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/12/2017 00:51

the reason they’ve given is that they can’t even invite all of their own friends so don’t want family and others taking up places.

So there is a limit on numbers. There's your answer, which I don't think is unreasonable of the B&G.

Gaudeamus · 01/12/2017 00:56

I don't think the fact of getting married allows you to dispense with all consideration for the other people involved, and when those people make a reasonable request that is easy to accommodate, it should be granted. Especially when those people are your parents, and double especially when it's their generosity making it all happen.

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