To think some women are smug about not having dessert?

[Tobythecat]

It seems to be mainly the older women, but I've noticed that a few of the social groups that I go to (there are a lot of older women there) seem horrified when asked to pick their three course lunch for Christmas at a local restaurant. They are fine with starters, but a lot of them say things like "I couldn't eat dessert as well, it would be too much for me" in a really judgy tone. The best one was from one of the women who is about 20 stone saying she couldn't eat a two or three course meal

I don't know if it's because women are supposed to be seen as dainty and ladylike and not have big appetites, but it just comes across as so smug.

AIBU to think that some women are really smug about the whole cake/dessert thing?

Now offer me a decent cheeseboard and I'll have the 3 courses happily

Ok, all you cheesers. I have never understood the cheeseboard thing. Admittedly I’m not a big cheese lover but I do enjoy cheese and crackers. But it seems crackers to have crackers (and cheese) after dinner. What is it all about? What am I missing?

I agree. We went out to dinner with a couple at the weekend (dh colleague and wife), and first of all she didn't drink. Fine. But she then commented, "Can you drink a large glass like that?" And it was only a medium glass! Then she had no starter. Fine. But then she looked askance at her dh and said, "Are you sure you want one, dh?" She did have a main course, but no pudding. I followed suit and matched what she had, but then I said, "Well, I'll have a coffee." And she said, "A coffee? Oh... I would never drink coffee in the evening."

She was very prim and kept saying things to me which by the end of the evening made me feel as if I were the butchest woman in town, eg, "You drive when you go out? Dh would never let me drive at night." "You filled the car up? Dh wouldn't dream of letting me go to the garage by myself." All accompanied by (very feminine) tinkly little laugh. And she was in her 40s - so no excuse of being from another era.

Needless to say that dinner date will not be repeated.

I say things like that. For all I know, people may interpret that as being said in a judgey tone.

Why say it then? Why not just say "No, thanks"?

I've never once in my life been able to eat a three course meal. If I was having a two course meal I'd pick main and dessert rather than starter and main.

I don't have any medical conditions. I've eaten 1700 calories (or much less when dieting unsuccessfully) for 30 years. Still 4 stone overweight.

I'm surprised you don't think being short has anything to do with it. My bmi max is supposed to be 9 stone. I'm actually a bit more than 13 stone. Size 16/18 in clothes.

Some people can't eat more than 1700 calories without putting on weight. I've not put ON weight for more than ten years.

There are LOADS of people who can't eat more than 1700 calories. My TDEE is 1648.

That's the MAXIMUM I can eat.

It’s a thread about the OP judging people for not eating dessert as smug

It's not about whether people eat dessert or not! It's about whether they need to announce to the room that they "never" or "couldn't possibly" eat dessert rather than just declining politely!

olivander you should join team rh on facebook. Those calories of 1200 are far far too low at your height for you to lose weight. You maybe do need to do reverse dieting or maybe need to up your exercise to burn more calories, so your calorie intake can be higher to lose weight.

Yes , deffo a whiff of ageism & fattism about the OP. Older women have smaller appetites - shock horror! And fat women are self deluding liars, apparently. OP did not cover herself in glory. As women, do we really have to keep policing each other on what/how we eat?

LaurieFairyCake you are of course right your height absolutely affects your tdee and your bmr.

I can't manage a 3 course meal anymore. I have the main course then decide if I can fit in a dessert. If I do have a starter I struggle to finish my main course.

I'm a size 12 and I ALWAYS order three courses. I generally eat about half of the main and pudding but all of the starter.

Yes it's wasteful and no I don't care because it's a special occasion and I've paid for it.

There's lots of people on this thread being smug about not ordering desert or only eating ten calories a day or whatever. Said people have missed the point of the thread.

UP THE PUDDING!!!!!

The best one was from one of the women who is about 20 stone saying she couldn't eat a two or three course meal

No, your little grinning face after this dickish comment didn't make it okay.

What a peach you sound OP. All round a nasty little opening post. Maybe you just hang around with a lot of smug people?

But declining politely doesn't always get you off the hook either.

That often invites comments of 'what, you on a diet'? Or the pudding eaters will go on about how much they are enjoying it and how someone who doesn't want it is missing out and how they should live a little and stop being so miserable all the time.

Because eating until you feel sick and then some is the way to roll apparently.

That often invites comments of 'what, you on a diet'? Or the pudding eaters will go on about how much they are enjoying it and how someone who doesn't want it is missing out and how they should live a little and stop being so miserable all the time.

In that case they're being the dicks and you should feel free to tell them to shut up. But it does make you sound smug and judgy if you start giving forth, unprompted, on your tiny appetite before any one's questioned your choice over whether or not to have dessert.

But it does make you sound smug and judgy if you start giving forth, unprompted, on your tiny appetite

So you think someone saying they're too full for dessert is smug and judgey?

Sounds completely oversensitive if your first thought is "they must think I'm a fat munter". Classic professionally offended brigade....

Yay another casual ageism thread. So what do you mean by “older” OP? Given that it’s a comparative, older than you? Older than 30/50/70? Or do you just mean “old”, but haven’t got the balls to say it 🙄.

As @Chrys2017 says, the smuggery comes in when people are unable to just say “no thanks”. No one else gives a shit about your reasons for eating or not eating pudding, and making the whole table feel uncomfortable is impolite, as is drawing attention to other people’s eating habits.

Finally, can we quit with the “oh I’m a huge heifer at size 10” type comments. Size 10-12 is a perfectly healthy slim size for an adult woman. Trust me, anyone who is overweight is well aware of the fact, and doesn’t need the faux self deprecating comments.

YADNBU by the way.

You have many examples on here.

So you think someone saying they're too full for dessert is smug and judgey?

No, I think saying 'I'm full, thanks' is just fine. I think launching into a diatribe on how 'I could never eat so much in one sitting... how can anybody eat such portions...' at a table full of other people who were about to enjoy their desserts is smug and judgy, though. It's in the tone, and I'm pretty certain the reason a lot of people on this thread insist they've never encountered this is because they're the ones doing it!

why say it then? Why not just say "No, thanks"?

Because inevitably someone asks why. Or, if I am at someone’s house and they’ve cooked a meal, it feels more polite to give a reason rather than it seeming like I think their food is shit 😂

Size 8 here (or at least I was before I got pregnant!) and would always have dessert when eating out. Mainly because I have a sweet tooth and don't eat out very often. Someone would usually make a comment like 'where do you put it all'. When I was bigger I wouldn't have dessert as I was embarrassed about my size. Definitely felt more smug as a size 8 scoffing dessert!! Although a lot of that is me feeling proud of myself for being able to have the odd treat without falling into a massive binge.

Agreed, Margaret.

There are people on this thread describing us three-coursers as 'shovelling and guzzling' and 'eating until your sick'.

I rarely go for desert unless I know they do a very good Creme Brûlée

I'm pretty certain the reason a lot of people on this thread insist they've never encountered this is because they're the ones doing it!

I’m pretty certain I’ve never heard it. I’m also pretty certain I have never said it. Perhaps it’s because the people I eat out with would never be so crass.

I am an 'older woman' and a fattie and I rarely eat dessert, I prefer savory to sweet and I am usually full after two courses, one if the portions are big. I don't eat as much as when I was younger (and much slimmer) but I don't see it as anything to be smug about. You sound very judgey op.

I really can't eat a lot in one one.
I might sound smug to you, but that's reality. If you fill my plate with more than I can eat, I'll just leave food, which is a shame.
I'll be happy eating a starter, a main, and dessert in a restaurant, but the main will have to be small or shared.

I think it's more in your head, really.