Seat for pregnant woman on the train

[Bobbiepin]

DH came home and told me about what happened on the train, I have my opinion on this but would like to get others'.

DH was sat in the middle of the carriage, every seat was full, with women sitting in the priority seats. A pregnant woman got on at a later stop and a standing man told DH to stand. DH said that the women in the priority seats should give up their seat, as they are in the priority seats and closest to the woman rather than her moving half way down the carriage.

This man (who wasn't travelling with pregnant woman) then proceeded to shout at my DH telling him he should be ashamed of himself & 'Don't you know what chivalry is?'

DH responded that he believed in equality and that there's nothing wrong with asking a woman (especially ones in priority seats) to give up their seat. He did give the woman his seat but was a bit put out by the whole experience.

Was he BU by expecting that anyone could give up a seat? Or should he have moved without a fuss just because he is a man?

Your DH was in the wrong. Somebody had to get up. I hate standing for long periods and get a sore back but I'd give up my seat for a pregnant woman if I had to. I doubt everyone in these seats had a disability. People are certainly becoming more selfish it's everyone for themselves these days. Which is a downward spiral.

So while he argued with the man, the pregnant woman was just standing there?

I agree since he was half way down the carriage that it doesn't make a lot of sense, however once he saw that no one nearby was shifting for her, he should have offered straight away.

I think there are two separate points here:

A) The behaviour of the standing man

B)The behaviour of Bobbie’s DH

A) Was it the standing man’s business to dictate who should stand? No it was not.

B) Should able bodied travellers offer to give up their seat to those in need regardless of their sex? Yes they should.

However Bobbie the answer to B means that your DH still should have offered his seat, without complaint.

The fact that the standing man or other sitting passengers were also behaving unreasonably, does not negate the fact that your DH started an argument about who should stand up rather than gracefully give up his seat.

Everyone should have offered and that includes your DH.

He chose to defend himself as a victim of sexism. But he left a heavily pregnant woman standing while he did it and there’s no way to make that ok.

In an ideal, one would give up their seat for a pregnant woman without the need to be asked.

Your DH in theory had a point, but he also had no way to know that the people in the priority seats didn't need them. Getting into a debate on the train about equality made him sound like a bit of a twat, frankly.

Ideal world, bloody hell!

I know I dont need a seat. I would assume those in priority seating do so would give up my seat for somebody that needs it.

Your DH was an arse for arguing about it tbh. People do get strange and territorial on public transport though.

Anyone able bodied should really give us their seat I would have thought. I don't understand why the other man needed to make a scene about it. I got turfed out of a seat on a train when I was 7 and a half moths pregnant. On the way back from a hen weekend, got on a packed train, no avaliable seats only reserved ones, so we all sat in the seats with the idea we'd sit in them until the actual people got on who'd requested them. I obviously got for the girl when she got on. The rest of the party were all shouting out, or have my seat, you shouldn't have to stand etc. Just made me really embarrassed and flustered. I don't like attention drawn to myself. I think the girl felt really bad. Next time I will just stand! Luckily I don't get on trains very often.

So your DH had seen the pregnant woman standing but still didn't get up?

I don't even think he was 'technically' right. ANYONE should get up (if they are able to) to offer their seat to someone who needs it, not just those in priority seats.

And he made himself look like a twat by arguing.

Why is that, Pengggwn, if the request is made politely?

Your DH should have offered his seat without being asked.

Having been asked, he absolutely should not have argued. He had no idea whether the people in the priority seats needed them. I also don't feel that the existence of priority seats means that noone else is obliged to behave decently.

If I saw someone behaving like your DH, I'd think they were a huge twat. Sorry.

He sounds a bit of dick tbh

Why was he arguing? He had no idea why the woman was in the seat. She might have been pregnant, she may have an invisible disability, she may have a visible one if she stood up or she might have been feeling really poorly.

I think it’s hypocritical that he was fussing about you getting a seat when you were pregnant but made a fuss when he was asked because someone else could have moved.

Generally speaking when you see a person who needs a seat - pregnant, elderly, struggling to stand for what ever reason, you should stand and offer your seat. Because it's the decent and kind thing to do for another person.

When I was heavily pregnant I had these plebs pretend not to see me as I was trying to stay upright, and not fall over, on an over
crowded tube. Total plebs.

I have a baby on board badge at the moment. Some people are great, but quite often it's like an invisibility button that activates the moment I step onto the tube!

In this case I think your DP was technically right but if i were him I would have sucked it up and stood up quietly. But that's just me!

How old is your husband op?

I strongly suspect that if there had been a man of retirement age sitting, he would have stood up immediately without having to be shamed by someone. Your husband was wrong.

It's not that a man should give up their seat, more that the person most able to stand should give up their seat. It's the kind thing to do Given that your husband knew that you'd struggled without a seat in similar circumstances, one would think this would make him more sensitive to the needs of other pregnant women, not less.

People sitting in the priority seats might well have had a hidden disability, or if they were all women might well have been in the earlier stages of pregnancy themselves- those first few months where there's no bump but you're likely to vomit over anything looking at you the wrong way can be pretty gruelling.

By the same token, the man who demanded your DH stand didn't know that he didn't have a hidden disability that required him to have a seat and didn't want to disclose in front of a group of random strangers.

All the women sitting in the priority seats had hidden disabilities They should have been first up offering their seats to the pregnant woman, I'm glad your DH did give his seat, but I don't blame him for feeling pissed off that he should have been forced into doing it by someone not even travelling with the pregnant woman - let alone the pregnant woman herself - when not sitting in a priority seat just because he's a man.

My (standing) friend was once on a train when a pregnant woman asked a man if he could give her his seat and he said "no, you want equality well you've got it". Now, HE was a wanker.

It unfortunately sounds as if your dh didn't want to get up so conveniently hung his argument on "sexism".

What he was actually saying was "No I don't want to get up, whine whine why should I? Why doesn't someone else?"

I think it's more of a "best guess" than an assumption, Pengggwn - we can tell if someone's 8 months pregnant, and we can tell if they're 70+ or have a visible disability, or a baby strapped to them, but we can't always tell if they have another reason for needing a seat, so asking (politely) is a reasonable thing to do. Quite often on the tube it is too crowded for people to spot someone who needs the seat more than they do.

If someone says that they do need the seat then I don't think you should argue with them at all - just move on and ask someone else.

... and also 'I don't want some man telling me what to do" ??

Of course the women in the priority seats should have offered their seats (assuming no issues) but they didn't. The fact that other people didn't behave well doesn't mean OP's DH had a licence to act like a twat as well. Sitting in his seat because someone else was technically more obliged to offer theirs- what a big baby.

The man who asked/demanded was unnecessarily aggressive and rude. He WBU.

Your DH is right to believe in equality and in the fact that the women should have vacated the priority seats (if they weren't in need of them) off their own backs but they didn't and he was totally wrong to argue the toss with the man who asked/demanded that he stand. Therefore he was also BU.

Nobody really covered themselves in glory in this carriage

Your DH was right that those in priority seats should give up seats first (although how could he know that other women weren't pregnant too) but if they failed to do so then he should have given up his seat.