Seat for pregnant woman on the train

[Bobbiepin]

DH came home and told me about what happened on the train, I have my opinion on this but would like to get others'.

DH was sat in the middle of the carriage, every seat was full, with women sitting in the priority seats. A pregnant woman got on at a later stop and a standing man told DH to stand. DH said that the women in the priority seats should give up their seat, as they are in the priority seats and closest to the woman rather than her moving half way down the carriage.

This man (who wasn't travelling with pregnant woman) then proceeded to shout at my DH telling him he should be ashamed of himself & 'Don't you know what chivalry is?'

DH responded that he believed in equality and that there's nothing wrong with asking a woman (especially ones in priority seats) to give up their seat. He did give the woman his seat but was a bit put out by the whole experience.

Was he BU by expecting that anyone could give up a seat? Or should he have moved without a fuss just because he is a man?

Zoman

I used to ask. No-one refuses if you look them in the eye and bellow with a big cheesy grin on your face. Not that you should have to, but needs must and it's gratifying to turf someone out

In my experience (20 years of living in and commuting in London), most people seem to ignore the concept of priority seats. I’ve seen lots of people in them notice pregnant / elderly / disabled people standing, and just look away.

Of course they might need them themselves - there’s often no way to tell. I have an invisible chronic illness that means it’s uncomfortable to stand for long periods but I’d always give up my seat for someone who looked like they needed it more than me - partly because I don’t want to have the argument about why I need it.

Sadly I think most people believe if they’ve got a seat - any seat - they don’t need to move.

Priority seats existing on a train doesn't mean everyone else is absolved of the responsibility to be a decent person.

Your DH is a pompous prick, OP. I feel so sorry for you

How is that a helpful comment? I know this is AIBU but can we stick to topic please? Unjustified insults about someone you've never met are silly.

He should've stood and then called out the man for singling him out specifically.

How did your DH know that the people in the priority seats didn't need them?

This.

I had an operation a week or so ago. In pain and on antibiotics. I sit in the priority seats atm and im not getting up. I cant get jostled dont want to move half way down a bus or upstairs and i feel sick from all the meds.

Your dh is a twat

OP

Ask your DH if he would have argued if the woman herself had asked him? I guess not

Priority seats are there for a reason, the people in those seats were 100% wrong for not getting up unless they were themselves pregnant/disabled.

As for the man who shouted "Don't you know what chivalry is?" - good luck to any woman who finds herself working for him. He would patting you on the head and have you making the tea.

Well done to your DH for calling out his sexist crap.

You wouldn't think i needed a priority seat to look at me I should add.
Other than being a bit pale.

Arguing about who should be asked to give up a seat was crass.

Your husband should have said "Oh of course, how rude of me".

I always got a seat when I was pregnant, I must have looked especially worn out!

No I would never embarrass anyone Pengggwn - I just ask politely if he could give up his seat. If he needed to sit then he could say "no I'm afraid I need this seat" and I'd ask somebody else.

This is quite normal etiquette on the London tube (which can be very crowded) when someone spots someone else wearing a badge. It's often easier to ask an individual than make a general request - which is also fine too.

I would have offered the seat of my own accord if I'd noticed the pregnant woman. Some unrelated man rudely telling me to do it probably would have got my back up. I don't think I would have involved the people in the priority seats in the argument but I might have told him to piss off and learn some manners.

stuckfornames I had an experience just like yours 5 days before I gave birth when no-one offered me a seat on a crowded tube train although I obviously needed one (many years ago).

By contrast, a more recent and highly amusing experience happened on the tube when I was with my DH. As soon as we got on a young woman offered my DH her seat - he is 61 and in robust health so he thanked her and declined. Later we got on another tube and immediately the same thing happened again (a young man this time). Cue lots of teasing of DH about what an old man he must look to these young ones.... but it made me think most people who sit in the priority seats DO remain alert and on the look-out for others who may need those seats more than they do.

The word "chivalry" was misplaced, but your DH ought to have stood up without question, not looked on at a pregnant woman with nowhere to stand, then caused a scene. The other passenger shouldn't have been aggressive, but frankly it makes me angry to witness the absolute selfishness of people staying seated when they can see an obviously pregnant/elderly/disabled passenger standing.

The other passenger may simply have felt more comfortable asking another man, just as I would usually feel more comfortable asking another woman. There is also of course the pregnancy issue - last week on the train I had a choice to ask two people in priority seats for a seat (I'm suffering from morning sickness), a man and a woman in her thirties. I asked the man because I didn't want to risk the embarrassment of asking for the seat and the woman saying she was pregnant too.

I would be horrified if my DH focused on self-righteousness and "sexism" rather than the pregnant woman in this situation.

Priority seats are there for a reason, the people in those seats were 100% wrong for not getting up unless they were themselves pregnant/disabled.

As for the man who shouted "Don't you know what chivalry is?" - good luck to any woman who finds herself working for him. He would patting you on the head and have you making the tea.

Well done to your DH for calling out his sexist crap.

^Agree
OP’s dh getting a hard time on here. MN a strange place sometimes, so many threads where women talk about equality but here suddenly everyone thinks that the dh should have been chivalrous? Everyone on that train who could have stood up should have offered.

Your DH is a twat. I’m 35 weeks pregnant with a very small bump so I look a lot less far along than I am and almost on a daily basis i have to shout to the whole tube carriage to offer me a seat during the rush hour. It’s embarrassing and disheartening, especially when no one listens or gets up.

Instead of arguing, he should have just got up.

And yes, I wear my Baby On Board Badge and it’s very visible on my coat!

I am going to claim chivalry as gender neutral. Arguing about not standing is decidedly unchivalrous

The other day on the bus there was a couple of teenage girl sitting and were talking and laughing as you expect teenagers to do. It was only when they got off you could send one had cerebral palsy an the other was on crutches. It could well be people in the priority seat could be like that

suddenly everyone thinks that the dh should have been chivalrous? Everyone on that train who could have stood up should have offered

The point is that everyone should have been chivalrous, but the DH was the person who was asked to give up his seat and instead of doing so he chose to argue about it.

Had one of the women in the priority seats been asked (and had she not needed the seat herself) then she should have given up her seat.

If you see someone in need of the seat and you know you can stand - then stand.

If someone asks for a seat because they have an invisible disability and you can stand - then stand

It really shouldn’t be tough

How is that a helpful comment? I know this is AIBU but can we stick to topic please? Unjustified insults about someone you've never met are silly.

I think it was justified. But I didn't ask for your opinion.

I think that the other guy is a twat for demanding that a person of his choosing should stand up-I'm sure that there were nearer seats.

How sad that in a packed carriage no one offered the pregnant woman their seat. And your dh did but only under duress.

His point about equality is valid but for goodness sake this wasn't the time to get on his soap box to prove some sort of point! Nor was it the time to debate the ethics of the situation.

The fact the argument progressed to shouting is just ridiculous.

For the sake of peace and out of respect for other passengers, your dh should have not put up an argument nor made a scene.

This is something that doesn't need to be discussed. Unless your DP was in need of a seat himself, he really should just have offered his seat. Or rather - everyone should have, including your DP.