Seat for pregnant woman on the train

[Bobbiepin]

DH came home and told me about what happened on the train, I have my opinion on this but would like to get others'.

DH was sat in the middle of the carriage, every seat was full, with women sitting in the priority seats. A pregnant woman got on at a later stop and a standing man told DH to stand. DH said that the women in the priority seats should give up their seat, as they are in the priority seats and closest to the woman rather than her moving half way down the carriage.

This man (who wasn't travelling with pregnant woman) then proceeded to shout at my DH telling him he should be ashamed of himself & 'Don't you know what chivalry is?'

DH responded that he believed in equality and that there's nothing wrong with asking a woman (especially ones in priority seats) to give up their seat. He did give the woman his seat but was a bit put out by the whole experience.

Was he BU by expecting that anyone could give up a seat? Or should he have moved without a fuss just because he is a man?

Fair point Pretty- if the DH didn't have a hidden disability then it would be reasonable of him to offer to stand, I don't think it's been mentioned by the OP. If he did have a disability it would be unreasonable for another person to demand that he stand.

The general shout out to the carriage seems to be the way forward. Or, ideally, those that are physically able to stand doing so when necessary without being prompted.

Other people's behaviour irrelevant.

He should have offered as soon as he saw her, let alone waiting to be asked, and to then ARGUE about it? Solid gold twat.

Nobody really covered themselves in glory in this carriage

No, indeed!

Yes he should get up because he's a man and he shouldn't need to be asked. He shoukd be ashamed of himself. Imagine sitting there arguing about "priority seats!"

I had an able bodied lady race me to a priority seat last week, and when I kindly asked if she minded me sitting there, she ignored me. I asked again and then she said no.

In this case I think your husband did the right thing in the end by giving up his seat, but really the women in the priority should have got up as its much easier for us pregnant women to be closer to the doors rather than make our way through a crowded aisle. If the women in the priority seats didn't have any accessibility issues, they should have got up immediately and should feel ashamed of themselves for not doing so! It isn't a priority seat for women, it's for pregnant, elderly or less mobile people!

If my husband argued the toss over giving up a seat for a pregnant woman then came home for a whinge about it I would be very unimpressed.

Last week I had an IBS flare up that knocked me sideways (self inflicted cheese consumption related). I would have easily put myself in the top 1% of people needing the priority seats for that week alone (and probably looked 8 months gone with the bloating anyway).

It's not just hidden disabilities that make standing difficult sometimes.

Your husband sounds like an absolute arsehole to have not jumped up as soon as someone drew his attention to the fact that there was a pregnant woman and no one had stood up for her - regardless of the fact that no one else had stood up.

He didn't have a clue whether the priority person needed it.

He's a prig.

Sweetheartreacle how do you KNOW she didn't have prioraty reasons?

What a load of bullshit "he should get up because he's a man". Seriously, because all the women sitting in between the pregnant woman and the OP's DH were such delicate flowers they need a chivalrous man to leap to their protection

OP - looks like the resounding message is going to be that your husband is a twat. Can't say my DH would have done the same because he wouldn't have done and would have leapt up straight away without argument, but I'm really not sure that makes him "a better man" or is simply his non-argumentative personality. Without doubt the biggest twat of all was the guy shouting at him on the train, rather than asking the pregnant woman directly - do you need a seat? And then asking the carriage in general if anyone could offer theirs. She could also have asked for a seat herself tbh.

Every able bodied person in the carriage should have offered her a seat - including your dh. So he was definitely wrong. Arguably, the able bodied people in the priority seats were MORE wrong but that doesn't make your dh right...

"DH" doesn't come out well from this story, at all. Sitting there arguing the toss about equality while a pregnant woman stands, and making the people in the priority seats feel uncomfortable to boot? What a knob.

@ermm i do not know for a fact, but she didn't say anything when i asked. We were both standing up for a few stops and she literally raced me to the seat. During her "sprint" she didn't display any mobility issues. She just took her backpack off, got comfy and got her phone out. If she had said she needed the seat I would have understood, but she didn't, she ignored me the first time and the second time I asked she said no and mumbled something else (no idea what) and look embarrassed as everyone glared at her.

Let's say that the priority seats were needed by those on them, why would the bossy twat not ask the nearest person/people rather than someone halfway down the carriage?

SweetheartTreacleTart - so you were able to race (almost but not quite) as fast as she was? In which case would she not be saying exactly the same as you?

Floellabumbags Exactly what I think. Knowing my dh he'd be first up and not even think about what anyone else was or wasn't doing!

If it was a crowded train, I'm willing to bet that not every priority seat was occupied by someone who needed it because of a disability/pregnancy/carrying a child/advanced age. I've sat in these seats on crowded trains but obviously I keep an eye out at every stop and make sure I get up if someone boards who looks like they need it more than I do. I don't just sink down into the seat and tune out on my headset/newspaper/whatever, which, frankly, most people seem to do. If I'm in a non-priority seat in the middle of the carriage then, no, I don't swivel around at every stop to check who might need my seat more than I do. So I would need someone to point out such a person to me. And I would get up, without argument, although I might feel privately a bit aggrieved that a) someone in one of the six priority seats between me and the carriage doors hadn't done so (I travel mostly on Southern) and b) some officious individual was singling out me to ask rather than anyone sitting in the priority seats. I'm female, by the way, if it makes any difference. (It doesn't, good manners isn't a gendered quality).

OP’s DH was sitting in the middle of the carriage.

The pregnant woman got on later, so would have been nowhere him.

She would have had to pass the people in the priority seats (who were likely to not need them, whatever anyone on MN would like to think) plus dozens of other people who could perfectly well have stood.

Yet DH is a wanker/knob/arse/pompous prick, etc, because he had the misfortune to be sat next to where Mr.1950s was stood.

That’s Mr. 1950s who’d probably pat your arse if you worked with him because women aren’t equal to men in his ‘chivalrous’ world.

@ermm don't get me wrong. I think it's good he gave up his seat eventually, but i just don't think he should have been picked on because he was a man. Although it would have been a kind thing for him to do immediately rather than trying to go about about making a point and simply offered the seat anyway.

I think anyone really should offer their seat, but more so people in the priority seats.

Did he even ask him because he was a man though? Perhaps he asked the nearest most able looking person nearest to him? And the dh was just being argumentative.

I don't agree that a person in need of a seat should ask if they want one. There's nothing wrong with either sex displaying some "chivalry".

Chivalry is really just employing your own moral or social codes.

@ermm i could see she was trying to beat me to the seat. Understandably you have no idea how difficult it has been for me to walk due to PGP in this pregnancy or you would understand that anyone could beat me at a race right now. Also as I was "racing" to this seat, my Baby on Board badge was clearly displayed.

In the end the person next to her offered me their seat.

The man who told the DH to offers his seat was probably disgusted and rightly so. There is nothing wrong with men having manners and being chivalrous - it goes a long way. Even my 14 and 12 year old boys would manage better than this. Some men are a disgrace.

I wear an "offer me a seat badge" if I am having a bad day with my legs as I fall and and have accidents. I get varying levels of response. If I'm walking/standing soundly I don't mind giving up my seat, which is 98% of the time :).

I once had someone try and hound me out of a seat on a station platform. She thought it was awful that I (mid 20s) was sat and an older man was stood and she kept trying to get me to move for him by commenting loudly. She was willing to overlook the fact I was wincing when seeing how well my ankle moved or I put it to the floor and was actually looking for an ankle support in my bag and that I had a freshly cut open knee. The gentleman in question had seen me fall over (weak, hypermobile joints and I misstepped and fell) and had helped me get my bags up all the steps (no lift) to the platform. He had to point out to this woman that he was in a better state to stand than I was after wiping out on a badly maintained footpath.

I think there are two separate points here:
A) The behaviour of the standing man
A) Was it the standing man’s business to dictate who should stand? No it was not

What did ‘standing’ man do wrong? No one able bodied and sitting offered their seat. He could see pregnant woman needed a seat and intervened because clearly no one was going to do it voluntarily. He asked a man, should he have asked a woman? Thinking about it from his pov, I can well imagine he thought that wouldn’t go down well. If he used the word chivalry, well that means courteous behaviour, it might more often be used regarding men’s behaviour towards women but it is not exclusively that. OP clearly states her DH said the women in the priority seats should move and not him, clearly not being aware enough to consider that those women might need the seats. OP DH cites that he believes in equality. Sorry but I don’t buy it, his version of ‘equality’ sounds like the MRA version ‘You want equality? You can have it, get up woman’

Some men are a disgrace.

Why single out men?

Why couldn’t any of the women have stood?