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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

371 replies

Missy450 · 28/11/2017 08:02

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

OP posts:
araiwa · 28/11/2017 10:20

Well done on having an argument about something you have both agreed to.

He wants you to try bf and you have said you will. How are you arguing???

I think its important to discuss everything prior to getting pregnant and even a man has the right to an opinion before conceptuon and if hes not happy he can choose not to impregnate

ginplease8383 · 28/11/2017 10:21

I found it harder to bf with a toddler. Whilst I was feeding regardless of any bag of tricks or entertainment my toddler would still pull over the tv/run into the fireplace/fall off the sofa/scream the house down whilst I was feeding cue the baby and toddler screaming

MillennialFalcon · 28/11/2017 10:22

It's your body, your choice. I wouldn't think he was that committed to having a second child if he was going to throw the baby out with the bathwater as it were and throw that option away over one disagreement. It would be different if he had heard your concerns and asked you how he could best support you to breastfeed, for example by taking on more care of your other child but he went straight to threats.

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2017 10:26

But I do believe a man should have a say how HIS baby is fed

Well if OP wants to try then its a mute point...but no if a woman doesnt want to breastfeed then the man doesnt get a say.

TammySwansonTwo · 28/11/2017 10:27

She's not the one putting conditions on a future pregnancy, conditions that would put the onus of the majority of care on him rather than her. That's the only way this situation would be comparable.

I know quite a few twin mums who say they wouldn't bf again. Unless you've been in a situation where you've made yourself physically and mentally ill trying to feed, neglecting your babies while attached to a pump every couple of hours for months on end, obsessing over how many ml you're producing and feeling like a failure every time you have to crack open the formula, I don't expect anyone to understand my point of view. I couldn't go through what I went through again, and would be highly displeased if my husband tried to force me to do so as a condition of having another baby. Instead I'm married to someone who supports me to make decisions about my own body and expressed concern for me when I placed the importance of breast milk over everything else. Even if I hadn't had such a negative experience, having demands for your wife that entirely affect her while simultaneously reducing your own workload is questionable.

The way a reasonable partner would handle this: "I would be a bit concerned about the baby having no breastmilk at all, as I think it's really important. I hope that you'd feel able to try to bf and then decide, but I fully appreciate that it's your body, and you who'd have to take on all he feeding as a result so I'd support you in whatever is best for you and for all of us".

Not "no bfing, no baby".

AnnabellaH · 28/11/2017 10:29

@shiftymake it takes 5 minutes to make up 8 bottles to keep them in the fridge. As long as they have been made up with boiling water for the first 2-3oz to kill bacteria in the powder.

Also we used the premade so just decanted it in to several bottles and stick them in the microwave for 20 seconds to warm up. Give a shake - no hotspots.

Anything else is just faff and people over reading instructions.

I found bottle feeding 1000x easier than the 4m I spent breastfeeding. But I guess it depends on your own tits and how quick you are in the kitchen.

Anatidae · 28/11/2017 10:31

But I do believe a man should have a say how HIS baby is fed

He can express an opinion and discuss this with the OP.
He should NOT be issuing ultimata or forcing her into a mode of feeding she doesn’t want/feel comfortable with.

TammySwansonTwo · 28/11/2017 10:33

It absolutely doesn't take 5 minutes to make up 8 bottles! You're supposed to allow the water to cool for 30 mins, for a start. I don't do that any more, I use boiling water to mix with the powder then top with cooled water but mine are older now. what about washing up, air drying and sterilising?

HolgerDanske · 28/11/2017 10:33

Nutritionist doesn’t mean anything.

I’d be telling him I wouldn’t have another baby with such a sanctimonious twat. And I breastfed both my babies for well over a year.

Original poster
Missy450 · 28/11/2017 10:34

For those who have said it’s about control, it’s not. He is not controlling at all.

We both want the same thing, I will try breastfeeding and if it’s too much, I will consider combi feeding or ff

If I was to say I don’t want to breastfeed at all, he’s basically saying he doesn’t want another baby. Although this is hypothetical, I don’t agree with it. This is what has annoyed me.

OP posts:
QuilliamCakespeare · 28/11/2017 10:34

I think you’re making some assumptions here. I combo fed my eldest due to feeding issues but EBF my second and am still going at 11 months. The toddler thing is a bit of a red herring - you can work round it without too much issue. Definitely not worth deciding not to even try bf before the baby is here and you’ve experienced what having two is like.

Your partner is still being a bit of a knob though.

BrandNewHouse · 28/11/2017 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Psychobabble123 · 28/11/2017 10:40

what about washing up, air drying and sterilising? what, the 3 or 4 minutes it takes to wash bottles is too taxing for you?! As for air drying abd sterilizing, use a milton system and it is literally just changing water once a day. No drying needed. Hardly a lot to do Confused

BakedBeans47 · 28/11/2017 10:40

He’s a dick.

Anatidae · 28/11/2017 10:42

He is not controlling at all

If I was to say I don’t want to breastfeed at all, he’s basically saying he doesn’t want another baby.

Firstly, these statements can’t both be true.

Secondly, do you not see how incredibly weird and controlling this is? If you don’t BF he doesn’t want another baby? That’s crazy. He saying that you BOTH having another baby is dependent on you doing it right, ie just the way he wants

If you both walked outside now to a crowded place, could be pick out the BF people? Of course not. No one can.

He’s a twat.

FrayedHem · 28/11/2017 10:42

We both want the same thing, I will try breastfeeding and if it’s too much, I will consider combi feeding or ff

But in your OP said I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).

And I'd still want a full conversation on what your husband would deem to be a good enough reason to stop.

I would massively struggle if my husband attempted to assert conditions on something I have autonomy of.

BakedBeans47 · 28/11/2017 10:44

I didn’t BF my second baby. I made clear to my husband it wasn’t going to be happening and that was the end of it. No further discussion or debate required. Yes it’s his baby too and he would have liked me to try BF but in the event of conflict over this issue the mother’s rights must prevail.

FrayedHem · 28/11/2017 10:46

And what he would do if you stop for a reason he doesn't seem good enough. Refuse to do any bottle feeds? Leave?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 28/11/2017 10:46

For those who have said it’s about control, it’s not. He is not controlling at all.

You don’t understand what controlling is if you think issuing an ultimatum about what you want someone else to do with their body isn’t controlling. It’s exactly what it is. He has said “do it my way or no baby”.

Btw, does he do his absolute best every single day and in every aspect of raising his existing child?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 28/11/2017 10:48

Yes I’d be interested in hearing what his “good enough reasons” are. Did he list them?

MrsZippyLake · 28/11/2017 10:49

My best friend FF her newborn with a toddler in tow while I BF in the same circumstances and I have to say that the FF looked way more effort with all the sterilising and making up bottles. However I was very lucky that my second child took to bf very quickly (my first baby was a different story!).

Is you DH just upset that (in his mind) you’ve ruled out bf rather than seeing how it goes when baby arrives? There is a difference between the two approaches and my husband would also have been very upset if I had point blank refused to even try. That doesn’t make him a twat or a bad person.

Anatidae · 28/11/2017 10:51

If you do ff, or combo feed, will he be sharing those feeds with you? Or will be be sulking that ‘I wanted you to bf so I’m not doing it.’

Agree with pp that this is the very definition of controlling.

I’m all for BF ing by the way, I fed ds for about 18m. At the same time, I’m aware that not everyone can/wants to and actually, if I have another I WILL be mix feeding because I found being the only one who could feed or settle a sleep refusing hyper alert baby nearly killed me.

shhhfastasleep · 28/11/2017 10:52

He's a twat.

theEagleIsLost · 28/11/2017 10:58

If I was to say I don’t want to breastfeed at all, he’s basically saying he doesn’t want another baby. Although this is hypothetical, I don’t agree with it. This is what has annoyed me.

I can see it's annoying - I wouldn't have liked such a condition put on me or being told it must be this way because I say so.

Is this actually about bf - does he really feel so strongly about it and what would happen if bf wasn't possible this time for whatever reason - would he step up with ff and support you or pile on guilt when you don't need it.

What reason would he think are good enough to stop - would I don't want to not be enough or I can't cope? Had he actually thought about demands of toddler and baby at same time - has he considered that toddler might be a destructive whirl wind impossible to bf around or is he a hope for the best kind of person?

Or is it him saying he worried about how you'd all cope with the demands of a second child ?

I'd suggest talking to him again and finding out it's the only way to gauage what is actually in his head.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 28/11/2017 11:03

So let’s say you’re happy to try breastfeeding OP, he agrees to have a baby and you get pregnant. Do you now spend the entire pregnancy worrying about what happens if you can’t BF? You’ve accepted this massive pressure to breastfeed until he says you can stop. Will that be an enjoyable pregnancy for you? What about when baby is born and you’re struggling to establish breastfeeding while looking after your toddler and it’s just too much. You have to ask permission to stop. Will he allow you to buy formula out of his salary while you are on maternity leave?