My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

[Missy450]

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

If I was a man and my DW said she didn't even want to try to BF I would be pretty upset. And I might question whether having that child was the right thing to do if my DW wasn't even prepared to try. So I can kind of see your DH's view.

However I suspect he's slightly saying that, not because he really wouldn't have a second DC, but in order to blackmail you into BFing, which is twatty.

But you are willing to try, and he's happy with you stopping as long as you've tried, so this seems like a non issue?

If you bf because he feels strongly about it, make sure you wake him up and make him stay awake every single time the baby needs feeding.
It's all very well him pontificating about what you should do, but he isn't experiencing any of the downsides. Perhaps it's time he did.

“He cannot blackmail her into using her body as he sees fit. ”

But she can blackmail by saying that because he disagrees with her he values hypothetical dc2’s life less? That’s not emotive or polarising at all.

“I don’t want another” is a good enough reason to not have another child, “just don’t feel like it” is equally valid, so I fail to see how being at odds over an approach to how the child will be cared for is somehow blackmail on his part if he doesn’t give the op carte blanche access to his sperm for baby making purposes but any decision by the op on the subject can be boiled down to her body, her choice but that approach isn’t viewed as an ultimatum or blackmail.

Are women who say they wouldn’t have children without being married blackmailing their partners, or are they simply setting out their position clearly and honestly so that their partners can then make their own decision?

Ask him when he plans to start taking hormones to lactate if its so important to him. If he has no such plans he can quit lecturing.

I really hope he is not advising his patients/customers that if they don't breastfeed its not worth having a baby. What a way to set up mothers to fail. Is he really a properly qualified dietician?

there's more than one way of feeding a baby and if women don't want to use their breasts to do it they don't have to

This.

It's 100% the mother's decision.

I wonder if he'll be so invested in the future nutrition of his children that he will always cook them really well balanced, nutritious food. Or whether the odd takeway will be fine. Hmmmm, I wonder which?

Men don't like FF because they have to get off their lazy bottoms and do some of the feeding work. If a baby is BF it's always mum who has to get up in the night.

Has your husband got tits and is able to breastfeed? If not, it’s not his choice.

Tell him he’ll be having no more kids from you until he realises he’s being a controlling fuckwit, not because you don’t want to breastfeed.

There's more than one way to get pregnant.

If he's blackmailing her. Then so is she.

I suspect the husband sees BF gives him a cushy life where he doesn't have to partake in night feeds or any feeding at all.

Unlike a lot of posters on this thread, I found bf a newborn with a toddler around a lot harder. DS2 and DS4 were breast fed for a lot less time compared to their immediate toddler sibling. (Big gap between 2&3 so have had the feeding with a toddler around twice).

I wouldn't react well to what your husband has said, particularly he would be supportive if you tried and stopped "for a good reason". What exactly would the good enough reason be for him? How would being supportive look vs being unsupportive if your reason wasn't good enough for him?

"Is he really a properly qualified dietician?"

No-the OP said he is a nutritionist. So no qualifications at all.

People still seem to be missing the big issue here. The breast/bottle debate is almost a red herring... a man is trying to dictate what a woman will do with her body

Yep and if it had been anything else apart from bf versus ff the support for the OP would have been overwhelming "how dare a man try and dictate what you do with your own body" etc etc. But no somehow lots of posters are starting to get their knickers in a twist about how another woman feeds her own baby, the "youre not doing your best" and "why cant you at least try" comments are seeping in. Why do people get so het up about this here.? I couldnt care less how people feed their own babies, I know how I fed my 3 and they got all the nutrition they needed. And know they are 24, 15 and 9 it doesnt matter, how they were fed as babies is totally irrelevant.

I don't care how anyone feeds their babies.

But I do believe a man should have a say how HIS baby is fed. Or at least stipulate requests before said baby is even conceived.

Do men have a right to express opinions on the circumstances they would like to bring children into the world?

For example my son in law is very clear indeed that he does not want to have children until he and my daughter have a particular (high) level of income. Fortunately - or perhaps not so fortunately - my daughter seems to find this reasonable. By the time they are rich enough conception may be harder!

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right??

That seems a huge jump to me but I'm not married to the guy so no idea how his mind works.

I thought it was a resource thing - if we can't give same start to second child perhaps we should not have a second or wait a bit - was what I got.

I never found bf with a toddler more of a faff - but then I was more determined to bf with second and third child than I was with first - which was okay I'll give it a go attitide as I have no idea if bf is for me.

You don't sound a million miles apart - both want to try bf and accept it may not be possible perhaps try a few more conversations perhaps he is expressing himslef poorly or perhaps it's something else.

Wow! No pressure there then!
How to make your wife feel confident and like a good mum!

Quite apart from your tits, your choice, his being a nutritionist puts him on a par with anyone who "knows a bit about teeth", as opposed to, er.... a dentist.

Nutritionist = Polytechnic of Wankchester.
Dietician = Properly qualified to advise on how to eat well.

1. A nutritionist? Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist. It’s not a protected title. Is he a medic? No?

1. Is he always such a controlling twat?

1. The natural way in which babies have been fed for thousands of years. Oh for the love of god. Natural doesn’t mean best. Cancer is natural. Dying of cholera is entirely, 100% natural. being unable to feed a baby sufficiently so they die of malnutrition is totally natural. Arsenic? Natural. Asbestos? Natural.

Does he have any idea of the maternal and neonatal death/morbidity rates in developing countries where there’s no medical care and everything is ‘just as nature intended’ ?

He’s a twat. You probably shouldn’t have another baby with him because he is a twat, but if he’d like to experience the natural fallacy fully he can put down his iPhone (UNNATURAL!!) and go and hunt his own food. Wearing pelts he’s obtained from the local wildlife.

Does your DH do his absolute best every single day, in every single aspect of raising his first child OP? I suspect not, because no-one can maintain that level of perfection. Which tells me that his “rule” is about control. And he is a knob.

Anatidae absolutely agree

Basically, he doesn’t really want another baby and he has found a way to make that your fault that it won’t happen. If only you would do as you’re told.

Won't he be up with you breastfeeding anyway? Even my cheating arsehole of an ex got up, brought the baby to me and put the baby back when finished feeding during the new born stage so I didn't have to get out of bed. I also think it's fine to state your wants before having a baby, surely it's better that it's all talked about before? Then you can both make an informed decision whether to have or not have another baby.

I wouldn't react well to what your husband has said, particularly he would be supportive if you tried and stopped "for a good reason". What exactly would the good enough reason be for him?

That would be want I'd want to find out in future conversations.

FrayedHem isn't only mother who struggled with bf a baby and coping with toddler at same time out there.