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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is refusing to take paternity leave

128 replies

Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:15

He says that he can’t afford to do so, as the rate of paternity leave is ridiculously low.

Two weeks after my due date, he has a two week holiday (full salary), and has told me that this will just have to be the equivalent of his paternity leave.

We both wanted a second child, but it was he who kept on pestering me to have one asap. I now feel incredibly pissed off with him, and let down, as he has also refused to take off any time to attend any appointments with me, and didn’t attend either of my scans, even though he would’ve still been paid for doing so.

I’m a sahm to a toddler, and a part time student. My parents live nearly 2 hours away, and we have no local support network. He knows how incredibly anxious and frightened I am about coping with a baby and our DD, and my Degree studies, yet this is the shit treatment I’m receiving.

I have stayed quite calm outwardly, but on the inside I am full of rage! I calmly asked him why could he afford paternity leave with our first DD, and he said that his Dad had given him the money to make up for his pay loss, but this time his Dad is unable to do so.

AIBU to think that he should be doing everything in his power to afford it and take the leave, and that I should put my foot down?
Or, should I just accept that he can’t afford it, and be grateful that he has a 2 week paid holiday soon after my due date?

I genuinely don’t want to make him feel awful over this, but at the same time, I’m feeling dreadful about the prospect of having no support straight after the birth.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 25/11/2017 23:20

Lots of people will disagree, but I say insist (if you genuinely can't get other support).

I can tell you from personal experience that feeling abandoned by your H with a toddler and a baby does not do your marriage any good whatsoever.

Dozer · 25/11/2017 23:20

Do you have full info on the family finances? (You mention being unsure of what HE can afford). If not, seek access to the info.

It is not a good idea to be a SAHM when you can’t be sure of your H. If after your physical recovery from the birth you need childcare in order to complete your degree, that should be a high priority IMO.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/11/2017 23:21

It depends whether he's right about your finances. Is he saying for example that if he doesn't work, there isn't enough food for you all?

If so, is there anything you (the combined you) can do to improve finances before dc2? Tag team with when he comes in from his day job, he takes over dc1, and you Di an evening job?

FanSpamTastic · 25/11/2017 23:21

For what it's worth your DP may be reacting and worrying about the increasing responsibility on him to provide. However macho and archaic that may sound - it is a primitive reaction.

Try to be understanding and maybe suggest ways that the two of you could work together to make savings so that he could afford it? Or talk about why he feels he can't take it? Maybe his employer is not supportive and makes life difficult for men taking paternity in the same way that women taking maternity leave have for years? Maybe last time he got so many comments after that he can't face it again?

IcanMooCanYou · 25/11/2017 23:21

How is it that 'he' can't afford it? Isn't it whether you as a family can afford it? How much disposable income do you have as a family and do you have any debt and/or savings?

If you don't know the answers to these then I suggest you have much bigger problems than him not taking leave.

It completely depends on your situation.

  1. He's a high earner and you have plenty of savings = yanbu
  2. You just about manage on his one wage = yabu
Dozer · 25/11/2017 23:22

You can’t “put your foot down” only state that you wish him to do a fair share of parenting, as well as earning.

ElBandito · 25/11/2017 23:24

I really feel for you. My DH couldn't take much time with our PFB, but this didn't come as a surprise.
I find it odd that you didn't know how he could afford it the first time round. Needs to be more transparency. It isn't unreasonable that you expected the same circumstances that you had for the first to apply the second.
I really hope you manage to work something out. Can he ask for some temporary flexi?

LondonGirl83 · 25/11/2017 23:25

If you as a family can't afford it there is no point in insisting. However, the fact that you have no visibility on if this is accurate or not is the bigger concern. How do you not know what the family finances are?

Ttbb · 25/11/2017 23:26

YABU. He is the sole earner and you can't afford the loss in earnings. What exactly are you expecting him to do? As a student parent you may be eligible for childcare grants. I would suggest that you get in touch with your university regarding this. You may also want to see whether your family may be able t help you. I had my second child part way through my degree. Obviously my husband couldn't have taken time off but my father came to stay with us and was an immense help.

Bizzysocks · 25/11/2017 23:29

How much is in the bank? What are your joint incoming and outgoings?

Can you reduce the outgoings? Save the money you would have spent on each other at Christmas, ask for money from your and his parents for Christmas?

If you as a family can't afford it then that's your answer. Could your mum come to stay if you need help before his holiday?

If there is money then yes put your foot down.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/11/2017 23:33

Surely you know if you as a family can afford it or not. If you don't, you need to.

Original poster
Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:33

Thank you so much for the replies so far.

My Mum comes over at the moment to look after my DD whilst I go to uni, and will continue in this vain when baby 2 comes along - it’s a long journey for her, but she loves coming over.

I sell on EBay, and have made some items to try and sell on Etsy to hopefully assist in some way financially. I was going to do private tuition a couple of nights per week if I could get the business, but my husband and I agreed that we hardly see each other as it is, and not to do this.

His work are fine about leave, but he is chasing a promotion which may not even exist, and is bending over backwards for them. He does work very hard for us.

OP posts:
NotAQueef · 25/11/2017 23:33

Yanbu! There has been plenty of time to save up/plan for the temporary reduction in earnings. He is being unfair to not consider the impact on you. What if you have a caesarean?

chiaseeddisapointmentagain · 25/11/2017 23:35

You knew what he was like when you had a first child with him, so you shouldn't really be surprised with the second.

Original poster
Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:41

I am hoping that my Mum will be able to stay over for a while after the birth, but my parents are angered that my husband refuses to move any nearer to them. Property in and around their area is so much more affordable, and it would make their and my life so much easier, but he detests their area and has always refused to live anywhere near it. He gets on with my parents. They, and I feel that it is is picking up the brunt all the time.

In my first pregnancy, my husband told me he could afford the leave due to savings. I know these have now gone, and he does have debts, which is why I wondered if I was being unreasonable.

I often don’t know if it’s my hormones, or if I’m being reasonable.

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 25/11/2017 23:42

Why all the "he" and not "we" when talking about your finances? Especially since he was so keen on a second child, and has said he doesn't want you tutoring and earning money?

arethereanyleftatall · 25/11/2017 23:42

My dh also didn't take paternity leave either time (self employed) but my mum came for a week instead, and tbh, much as I love my dh, my mum was far more help. Could your mum stay longer if she comes weekly anyway?

Original poster
Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:43

NotAQueef - this is what I have said to him countless times about a caesarean.

I feel as though I’m just expected to cope.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/11/2017 23:43

Why dont you move nearer to them? He doesnt have to come with you........

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 25/11/2017 23:44

So what's the plan for managing the birth/ immediate recovery? How will you manage with the toddler? The two weeks annual leave is a full paid equivalent of time as the paternity leave so that's not unreasonable in itself, the question is how will the family unit manage if the birth and AL don't synchronise. Might he take a paternity week, then a week in work then AL if required? It also depends on how essential that lost income is.

DS was due just before Christmas when he normally takes annual leave, so he used that as usual and took one week paternity on top. With annual leave being taken into the equation, he could justify being away from work for 4 weeks.

ginswinger · 25/11/2017 23:45

Hire a mother's help for the duration of the paternity leave he's not going to take. See how that affects his financial balancing.

Seriously though, you need to have a frank talk with him about how prioritisng his work over the precious first few weeks of a child's life, makes you feel.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/11/2017 23:45

It isn't 'his' debts. It's family debts. It doesn't really make sense that you're not doing the private tutoring work of an evening given your financial situation.

chiaseeddisapointmentagain · 25/11/2017 23:45

He sounds like a catch...

Original poster
Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:47

arethereabyleftatall - I’m really hoping that my Mum will. I know that she is reluctant though, as she feels that we shouldn’t be living so far away and in an area that is more expensive than theirs. I’m sure she won’t let me suffer though.

GoldfishCrackers - it was a mural decision over the tuition, and more me putting my foot down to be honest. I just felt like why should I take on anything else, especially when pregnant.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/11/2017 23:47

So lets assume a Csection and you in hosp with baby for a week and your mum says "No, I am no coming up", what are his plans?