Husband is refusing to take paternity leave

[Argeles]

He says that he can’t afford to do so, as the rate of paternity leave is ridiculously low.

Two weeks after my due date, he has a two week holiday (full salary), and has told me that this will just have to be the equivalent of his paternity leave.

We both wanted a second child, but it was he who kept on pestering me to have one asap. I now feel incredibly pissed off with him, and let down, as he has also refused to take off any time to attend any appointments with me, and didn’t attend either of my scans, even though he would’ve still been paid for doing so.

I’m a sahm to a toddler, and a part time student. My parents live nearly 2 hours away, and we have no local support network. He knows how incredibly anxious and frightened I am about coping with a baby and our DD, and my Degree studies, yet this is the shit treatment I’m receiving.

I have stayed quite calm outwardly, but on the inside I am full of rage! I calmly asked him why could he afford paternity leave with our first DD, and he said that his Dad had given him the money to make up for his pay loss, but this time his Dad is unable to do so.

AIBU to think that he should be doing everything in his power to afford it and take the leave, and that I should put my foot down?
Or, should I just accept that he can’t afford it, and be grateful that he has a 2 week paid holiday soon after my due date?

I genuinely don’t want to make him feel awful over this, but at the same time, I’m feeling dreadful about the prospect of having no support straight after the birth.

You've had the time you talked about this baby plus you have nine months of being pregnant when you could have sorted this out and talked to him and I don't know why you didn't talk all this through before you had your first baby and not even your second. If things are so tight as you describe I'm sure he's worried sick. You going to university part time is a cost as well, it must cost in travel, books, and fees and I'm wondering when you started to be a studnet?

Just seen you in debt yabu. Your poor dh. Can you do some work during the weekend or evening when dh is around to babysit. How pregnant are you as that could effect which type of work you can do.

I personally think YABU

My husband went back to work at 9am the day after we returned from hospital. (I got home at 5pm).

So I was home alone with a newborn and a 17m old. (DS was exactly 17m).
We were breastfeeding, which I hadn't done with DS so it was all new.

He hadn't been at his job long enough for paternity, and DD was 11 days late. He'd already taken 2 weeks off so had to go back the next day!

Honestly, it was easy. DD just slept all the time so I could do my normal stuff with DS... I even had time for a shower!

I am really stunned by some of the comments here. Sure, women have been struggling through the pp period for centuries - the point is that we have accepted that this is bad, and done things about it.

Unless your financial situation has changed significantly since he was pushing for you to get pg asap, YANBU. How much realistically will he lose over the course of two weeks? Could he really not have saved for that during the pregnancy? And this clearly isn't just about the money if he wouldn't take paid time off for scans.

PPs are giving you a hard time for not working - sounds to me like you had ideas for this but he wasn't onboard. As someone who does sell on etsy, I'll tell you now not to waste your limited time and energy unless you're making something popular and with a whopping profit margin.

Had my twins by emergency section on a Friday, they were in nicu, husband was back to work Monday but he works from home - he drove me to the hospital each morning, visited and drove me home early afternoon then came back with me after work. When the first one came home at 2 weeks, he took 2 weeks off. The other one came home at 8 weeks and he took another week off then, but one got very sick and ended up in back in hospital - I had to stay with him for two weeks while my husband had the other at home. When I had my section I was home in less than 2 days and no way I could have looked after a toddler. If my DH had refused to take time off I'd have been absolutely screwed. His mum lives a couple of hours away and she's visited us twice in over a year!

If I were your mum, I'd be massively pissed off that I had to travel so far when he could be taking time off. If I were you, I'd be really upset if I had to ask. Can't believe others have asked if you're suffering from anxiety (think it's totally normal to be anxious about having a newborn and a toddler without any help from your DH) or accused you of being controlling for asking if you should put your foot down (yes you should!). Unless this would make things impossible financially (is this the case or is it an excuse?) then he needs to share responsibility here.

I'm also really concerned that you don't seem to have any awareness of the finances at home, or that he borrowed money to make paternity leave possible last time.

I don't really understand your parents' logic in relation to moving near to them. As they're two hours away, wouldn't that mean that your DH either loses his job or has a very long and expensive commute?

I don't understand how you are going to university if the two of you are in so much debt and have no money left over for 2 weeks of paternity leave where did the money come from to pay for your course fees beucase suerely it came out of your husbands earnings?

It is really hard to understand why you don't know the in's and outs of the family finance.

It sounds like he can't afford to take time off..Not sure raising 2 children with increasing debt sounds a plan either.

I am assuming you are due soon. It sounds like you are going to have to look into how you can bring some income into the house obviously not straight after birth..

How old is toddler ? After 2 so long as they do get to burn off steam get them to be helpful. Help with the baby.

THe 2 weeks after the birth sounds sensible..Imagine if baby is 2 weeks late and he got to spend no time with baby. I don't know if it would be movable if baby came early .

I am confused as to why two people in a relationship with kids dont actually talk about family finances.
How on earth dont you KNOW if you have debts or not?

Why is 2 weeks holiday different from patetnity leave? He is going to be there either way.
Its not your mums job to pick up the slack for him though.

You both need to sit down and go over your finances why is it all his responsibility?

And what on earth does "i put my foot down" about picking up some tutoring mean? Why couldnt you do this? Would it have interfered with your studying or didnt you think you should be working because you were pregnant?

It all sounds very much 'he' should and 'I' wont to me.

Why should your dp move to be near your parents? Would it affect his commute? Why are your parents dictating to you and why does he expect them to be looking after you when you are his partner? All very strange on all sides.

If your finances are in such a mess why did you get pregnant on his say so without knowing if you could actually afford it first?

I am sure you will manage once baby is here as long as he pulls his weight when he is there. If he doesnt the baby isnt your only problem.

Its all very vague.

She quite clearly says that his holiday is booked starting two weeks after her due date, not he's off for two weeks starting on her due date.

If you were home after 24 hours in the 80s chocolatefireguard you were unusual. Even now the average is about a day and a half, and it's been getting shorter over the decades.

@PramWanker in 1989 I stayed overnight and went home after lunch (baby born just after 11) so i was home for 2/3pm and in 1991 I had a six hour discharge with my second, which I didn't ask for, it was offered.

She quite clearly says that his holiday is booked starting two weeks after her due date, not he's off for two weeks starting on her due date

It's actually rather sensible if he's not taking paternity leave and they are not having a planned c section.

Baby could be due on the 1st, he books the 1st to the 14th off, baby arrives on the 13th, he's only off one day. Baby will be definitely be here two weeks following due date so he will have a full two weeks off with baby.

@PramWanker I should have said that they were both normal deliveries with no stitches. Babies and me were fine and good weights.

My dh was offered one week full pay paternity or take two and get stationary. He took the one week and put another week in annual leave it completely made sense tbh we had to think of the needs of the family. So I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. Your parents are though for being angry he doesn’t want to live close to your family, are they quite full on?

Also it sounds like you get a lot of help from your mother more than the average person.

I believe you of course chocolatefireguard. No reason not to. Just saying your experiences were not the norm.

YABVU and also very entitled and demanding. Yes, you're pregnant, yes you have a toddler - so do many thousands of other women. You have no idea about your DH's work pressures. He's doing his best to earn money and to support you.

Why on earth should you all move closer to your parents? And why on earth do they feel 'angry' because your DP won't? Maybe he doesn't want to. Maybe it doesn't fit with work...

You're not a child OP. How about you offer some support to your DH? Joint responsibility and all that...

Could be re-arange so of the annual leave?

For someone who was the sole earner for my family (still am now a single parent) I can understand where DH is coming from. Especially if he's like me in terms of taking finances very importantly. Also maybe it gender rolls/socialisation etc but kind of always felt a huge pressure to see first and for most the family is financially provided for. Like my father who all ways worked very and navigated us out of literally poverty. I supposed we are heavily influenced by our role models. This pressure increased with the arrival of kids.

Also one poster put who her and dp are both go getters and that his focus on hard work is probably more down to seeking career success for him self rather than to provide for his family. I know there are a lot of high flying career types on here. Not everyone on here is like that. I am not hugely ambitious work wise. I don't live to work or be top dog. I wouldn t do the job or get the sallery I get now if it wasn't for providing for my family being my diving force. I like my old job but I wanted to be at home more for the kids and provide them a settled nice home to live and provide them and my (wife at the time) all I could. So chucked away a military career I loved for a 4 day (coming home every night) and a 40% pay rise. Some people are driven more by providing for their family than their own career progression. If it wasn't for having my kids I would still no doubt be earning 40% less.

On the point of family finances it would be a good idea to get more involved. One of my tgings that annoyed me in my marriage was that my ex never took an interest. I would try to get her involved but she would just leave all the financial decisions and thus the responsibility to me. Maybe thats because she earnt nothing she didn't feel she part of it or just wanted everthing done for her? But marriage is a partnership and I wanted her to be more involved and responsible.

If leave is inflexible in his work place, it is completely sensible of him to choose 2 weeks after due date. Then he'll defo be off when baby is born and not before. It is also sensible to go for annual paid leave rather than paternity leave if you're having financial issues.

TwitterQueen is quite right, couldn't have put it better myself. YABVU

viva unless OP earns very well the cost of childcare for two young DC will surely outstrip what she earns going back to work. I found that out very quickly.
Her parents want them nearer probably because a four hour round trip to provide childcare regularly is quite frankly, being made a mug of. Another pregnancy at this moment in time doesn't seem to have been the wisest move.
Strange set up all round.

Depends entirely on your exact financial situation.

If you have savings etc (which it doesn’t sound like) or disposable income that could cover the monthly drop in salary then he is being selfish.

If you’re literally living month to month and just about covering bills then of course he can’t afford to take them time off. In that case using annual leave is a good idea as it’s paid at full.

Are you registered as self employed for the etsy and the tutoring op? If so, you could be entitled to maternity allowance, which isn't a fortune but could help?

So you're in debt and struggling to make ends meet + you wash your hands of any responsibility for family finances...

Depending on how far along you are, there can be a simple solution to the problem. Do the tutoring two nights a week or on Saturdays. All this money should be enough to tide you over the paternity leave.

You going to university part time is a cost as well, it must cost in travel, books, and fees and I'm wondering when you started to be a studnet?
The course fees alone are £000s. Are you in debt because of your studying? If you're not working then presumably he's paying for that as well or you're racking up a student loan (debt) instead.
If you can't afford, as a family, for him to take time off then you can't afford it.