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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband is refusing to take paternity leave

128 replies

Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:15

He says that he can’t afford to do so, as the rate of paternity leave is ridiculously low.

Two weeks after my due date, he has a two week holiday (full salary), and has told me that this will just have to be the equivalent of his paternity leave.

We both wanted a second child, but it was he who kept on pestering me to have one asap. I now feel incredibly pissed off with him, and let down, as he has also refused to take off any time to attend any appointments with me, and didn’t attend either of my scans, even though he would’ve still been paid for doing so.

I’m a sahm to a toddler, and a part time student. My parents live nearly 2 hours away, and we have no local support network. He knows how incredibly anxious and frightened I am about coping with a baby and our DD, and my Degree studies, yet this is the shit treatment I’m receiving.

I have stayed quite calm outwardly, but on the inside I am full of rage! I calmly asked him why could he afford paternity leave with our first DD, and he said that his Dad had given him the money to make up for his pay loss, but this time his Dad is unable to do so.

AIBU to think that he should be doing everything in his power to afford it and take the leave, and that I should put my foot down?
Or, should I just accept that he can’t afford it, and be grateful that he has a 2 week paid holiday soon after my due date?

I genuinely don’t want to make him feel awful over this, but at the same time, I’m feeling dreadful about the prospect of having no support straight after the birth.

OP posts:

Psychobabble123 · 26/11/2017 08:09

I think people are being a bit mean about the husband. He is in debt , probably worried sick about providing for a SAHM and 2 children , and has a wife who “ put her foot down “ about doing occasional work to earn money

This! Honestly OP, your attitude stinks. You are in debt and he can't afford to take leave, but you wouldn't do any casual work to help take the pressure off, because you don't see why you should?! Shocking.

Fffion · 26/11/2017 08:09

I don’t think I could have beared having DH sitting around at home for two weeks. I am glad he went to work each day. He took one day off per child.

It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t cope. I didn’t get any help from parents either.

IsaSchmisa · 26/11/2017 08:10

They don't actually know her mum is stepping in though tangina. DH is just assuming it.

Toprate · 26/11/2017 08:11

Why was he so desperate for a second child at this particular time?

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 26/11/2017 08:15

Like others, I feel sorry for your dh. You don't work, indeed, you have refused to work to help out with the finances. The only way your dh could afford paternity leave with dc1 was thanks to his father helping out. You say 'he' has debts - are they really just his or are they as a result of spending on family things, but in his name? If spent on family things (holidays, gifts, car expenses etc), then really, they are your debts too. Your parents sound jealous of where to live. Unless movie g to their area would save your husband a significant chunk of commuting time ie; more than 50% then any saving on housing costs is likely to be eaten up in extra travel costs. As well as the non recoverable costs of moving, whether buying or renting.
Some of us had our dcs at a time when paternity leave simply did not exist. Our dhs had to save annual leave to take. My DH's employer was able to be flexible about the exact date so dh started his leave on the day I left hospital. We had little support, despite living near parents. MIL outright refused to help either time.
In an ideal world, he would be able to afford the time off. But he can't so between you, you have to find a way forward. He doesn't sound abusive to me - just someone who is shit scared that he is having to take all the financial responsibility for his growing family and knows his wife is stamping her feet.

bakingaddict · 26/11/2017 08:18

The OP never put her foot down about doing extra work. Her post on pg1 says that she looked into doing private tuition in the evening but they both decided against it as they wouldn't see each other and presumably the DH would have to look after the kids so is a convenient veto for him

londonrach · 26/11/2017 08:19

Yabu if you need his wage for bills and food, yanbu if you dont. Talk to him about the finance if he cant afford not to work as it effect the family im afraid he has to work. Do you have any friends who might pop over to take toddler or hold baby so you could sleep. Would your parents come and stay for a few days

LittleLionMansMummy · 26/11/2017 08:20

So he's worried about finances. I could understand that. But what's his reasoning for missing your scan appointments etc, which he gets paid for? Does he see giving birth and raising children as a woman's job and providing the finances as the man's job?

As for 'we used to cope without paternity leave', well we used to 'cope' with outside toilets in mid winter too. But this is the 21st century.

VivaLeBeaver · 26/11/2017 08:21

And then later on she says she put her foot down.

s - it was a mural decision over the tuition, and more me putting my foot down to be honest. I just felt like why should I take on anything else, especially when pregnant.

You know I sometimes feel like why should I go out to work when I have dc.....but then I remember we have bills to pay. Like most women who manage to work while pregnant!

VivaLeBeaver · 26/11/2017 08:22

I mean it's fair enough for women to decide not to work, but then don't moan about your dh not been able to afford unpaid or poorly paid leave.

rookiemere · 26/11/2017 08:26

Surely the babies due date has been known for some months. Why didnt he just change the annual leave so he had it when the baby was due ?

RadioGaGoo · 26/11/2017 08:26

I'm sure all these superior women proclaiming that the OP just 'gets on with it' could easily deal with healing from a C Section and a toddler. Thank God they are here to remind us how inferior the rest of us are.

Only1scoop · 26/11/2017 08:28

Clearly pregnancy and subsequent childcare is just your department Op oh and your parents of course.

IsaSchmisa · 26/11/2017 08:28

We also coped without paternity leave when new mothers were more likely to live closer to family, and also spent more time in hospital after giving birth. There isn't some golden (or not) age to hark back to when most women left the hospital no more than a day or two after birth and then dealt with everything by themselves thereafter.

So for example my gran giving birth in the 60s didn't have the benefit of any paternity leave for her husband, but she did have the first 10 days afterwards in a hospital on virtually enforced bedrest, and family around to assist when she got home.

Biker47 · 26/11/2017 08:30

I won't be taking paternity leave, I'll lose about £1,200 if I do, I'll be using holidays.

AnnabellaH · 26/11/2017 08:30

9m was plenty of time to save up for the pay loss. Why didn't he do that?

EmilyChambers79 · 26/11/2017 08:32

Why didnt he just change the annual leave so he had it when the baby was due

He's booked the two weeks off following her due date, maybe he doesn't work in a place that will allow him two weeks off with no notice?

Shenanagins · 26/11/2017 08:34

My oh booked his annual leave for two weeks after the due date as we knew the baby would definitely be here by then.

There was no way we could afford paternity leave as at least there is no wage loss using annual leave.

Depending on the age of your toddler you may be eligible for free nursery hours which you should look into taking as that will help.

mathanxiety · 26/11/2017 08:36

DownTownAbbey, I agree.

EmilyChambers79 · 26/11/2017 08:37

Unless I've misread, I'm confused?

OP is pregnant, DH has booked two weeks holiday rather than using two weeks paternity and she's angry about this? He said he can't afford to drop to paternity pay for two weeks that's why he booked it as annual leave. His last paternity leave was funded by his Dad.

They are struggling for money but OP thought about tutoring then put her foot down about working as she's pregnant.

She thinks there is debt but doesn't know.

It's not like he hasn't booked any time off work is it? Or was she expecting him to be off longer than two weeks?

It sounds awful but it sounds like a newborn is the last thing needed. A toddler, studying for a degree, one income coming in and debt?

pilates · 26/11/2017 08:40

Are you having a c section? If so, you will not be in hospital for a week, two days is more realistic. Could your mum stay for a week to get you settled? Then you will have a week on your own and then DH will be with you for two weeks. I’m sensing some resentment between your DH and parents. I can see both sides tbh but you are lucky to have him with you for two weeks.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/11/2017 08:41

It sounds as if your parents are over-involved. Your mother 'feels [you] shouldn't be living so far away'? You agree with your parents on 'you' (i.e. you and your parents) 'bearing all the brunt'? It sounds a bit as if you and your parents are ganging up on him, tbh - or your parents are critical of him/turning him into the one to blame for everything about your situation they don't like, and you're all too happy to agree.

And barring SN, managing a baby and a toddler - while tough at first - is actually quite a normal thing. So is working while pregnant. I went to work while pg with a toddler and placenta praevia. Are your parents encouraging you to believe he should be keeping you in some kind of lifestyle?

daisychain01 · 26/11/2017 08:42

He is in debt , probably worried sick about providing for a SAHM and 2 children

Cry me a river! The DH was the one pushing the OP to have their second child, he sounds clueless finance-wise.

It's frightening that two people bring children into the world but don't have a shared view about their finances - eg how much debt they have (it's shared debt whoever's name it's in because they have dependents).

asmuchuseasachocolatefireguard · 26/11/2017 08:46

I think you have been unreasonable sorry. He is in debt, he's the only one working, and you've refused to, and you want him to move 2 hours away so you can have support but if you do that then what are you going to do about univeristy studies and commuting yourself?

My husband never got any paternity leave and I coped - you had to. In the 1980's / 1990's when I was having my first ones you were out within 24 hours and there was no paternity leave. I didn't have any help either at home - I just had to manage and he pulled his weight in the time he could manage to be around.

I never worked, I still don't, but I can tell you to the last penny what is in the bank account, what debts we have, what the outgoings are because that's part of my job to keep tabs on and work the budgets out.

You need to talk to him and get yourselves in a position where you are hanging by your own threads and not expecting your families to pay you money to enable you to be a SAHM and a student.

EmilyChambers79 · 26/11/2017 08:49

There's also a lot of HE won't do this HE won't do that HE can't afford this.

Why are you not responsible for any of this as well as your DH? You both know you're pregnant, you both know maternity leave will happen, why did you both not save for it?

If the family needs money because of debt then I personally couldn't throw demands around and watch my DH struggle with worry about finance or put it solely on his shoulders to resolve.

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