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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is refusing to take paternity leave

128 replies

Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:15

He says that he can’t afford to do so, as the rate of paternity leave is ridiculously low.

Two weeks after my due date, he has a two week holiday (full salary), and has told me that this will just have to be the equivalent of his paternity leave.

We both wanted a second child, but it was he who kept on pestering me to have one asap. I now feel incredibly pissed off with him, and let down, as he has also refused to take off any time to attend any appointments with me, and didn’t attend either of my scans, even though he would’ve still been paid for doing so.

I’m a sahm to a toddler, and a part time student. My parents live nearly 2 hours away, and we have no local support network. He knows how incredibly anxious and frightened I am about coping with a baby and our DD, and my Degree studies, yet this is the shit treatment I’m receiving.

I have stayed quite calm outwardly, but on the inside I am full of rage! I calmly asked him why could he afford paternity leave with our first DD, and he said that his Dad had given him the money to make up for his pay loss, but this time his Dad is unable to do so.

AIBU to think that he should be doing everything in his power to afford it and take the leave, and that I should put my foot down?
Or, should I just accept that he can’t afford it, and be grateful that he has a 2 week paid holiday soon after my due date?

I genuinely don’t want to make him feel awful over this, but at the same time, I’m feeling dreadful about the prospect of having no support straight after the birth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:51

PyongyangKipperbang - you sound just like my best friend! I did jokily run this past my husband recently.

SomewhatIdyosyncratic - he just expects my Mum to be doing all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:55

PyongyangKipperbang - I’d said this to him before he told me about not taking the leave, and he said that he’d be there if she couldn’t be. When he then told me about the leave, I put this to him again, and he told me not to worry about things that might not happen! That didn’t go down very well...

He then said that he’s confident that my Mum wouldn’t see me suffer like that, and that she ‘should’ be coming over, like it’s her duty.

OP posts:
Whizbang · 25/11/2017 23:56

Hang on though...you've said that you are in debt, you 'put your foot down' and refused to do anything to contribute to the family finances while he supports you in your studies, and you and your parents pressure him to move to an area he hates. Hmm, it all sounds a bit one way to me and I think it's rough that he is copping so much criticism when he appears to be working hard to support you and avoid the need for you to work.

I feel sorry for him. YABU. I think your parents should butt out too I'm afraid.

Nanny0gg · 25/11/2017 23:57

Do you know your financial situation?

Why does he have debts? Are your finances shared?

CotswoldStrife · 26/11/2017 00:04

I'm going to go against the flow and say YABslightlyU. He could only do it last time because someone gave him the money - that doesn't sound like a great financial set up and if you have already gone through savings and have debts now then it's not going to be possible this time. Or sensible, tbh.

Do you suffer with anxiety generally? You mention being anxious and frightened.

tillytown · 26/11/2017 00:05

If your finances are so bad, why did he want another baby so quickly?

KenAdams · 26/11/2017 00:06

Why have you refused to respond to all comments regarding your knowledge of the family finances?

Imaginosity · 26/11/2017 00:11

I don't think its your parents' place to be angry with him for not moving where they would prefer.

If DH is off for two weeks annual leave thats pretty good.

CustardDoughnutsRule · 26/11/2017 00:11

Have you asked him /has he asked work if he could use his annual leave more flexibly as per paternity leave?

We couldn't afford DH to take pat leave either, but his work were more than happy for him to take A/L like paternity, ie starting whenever I went into labour. He was there for the birth and a week or so after, then he did a couple of weeks of mixed A/L and working. It worked fine for us.

BakedBeans47 · 26/11/2017 00:14

Hmm I can see both sides. Pat leave pay is shit, my DP didn’t qualify first time for it and second time could only afford to take a week and then a week holiday x

IcanMooCanYou · 26/11/2017 00:15

Why do you live in that area in the first place? Was it a mutual decision but now you want him to move to an area he hates? Could he easily find work there?

I find it really concerning that you think he has debts.

I completely understand your worry and concern that you won't be able to cope alone, but until we (and you!) know the financial situation then how can anyone say if you or he is bu? It sounds like for all you know you could be behind on mortgage/rent payments at be looking to lose your home if he takes PL.

Oh and when are you due? With regards to not working a few evenings because you're pregnant- 9 months is a long time and a hell of a lot of women have to work most of it to support their family.

cherish123 · 26/11/2017 00:17

Could be he gets hassle at work for taking off (even if he is entitled to it). Although most fathers attend scans, most cannot attend all appointments.

notangelinajolie · 26/11/2017 00:27

You are being a bit dramatic. Two weeks is plenty long enough for you to get settled and back into some kind of a routine. I would be a bit more understanding if you were expecting your PFB but this time round you really should know the ropes. And suffer??? Since when is looking after your own baby suffering? Seriously, stop whining, stop acting like a child baby and just be the mum and bloody get on with it!

kmc1111 · 26/11/2017 00:31

I think YABVU actually. You 'put your foot down' and refused to contribute financially because you don't think you should have to, there's no savings, you're probably in debt, and your DH could only afford it last time because his father gifted him some money. It really, really doesn't sound like it's a good idea for your DH to have a period of reduced pay, and I don't know how you think he's supposed to magically come up with more money now so you can afford it.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. There's really no getting round that. Presumably if there's complications and he has to take the time he will and he'll rack up more debt or pay bills late, but that would be an incredibly stupid thing to do if he doesnt 100% have to.

Jux · 26/11/2017 00:48

I think, as he's being so obdurate, that you might consider going to stay at your parents' for the birth and first few weeks. Maybe go up a few days before your due date so you can be settled in before you go into labour.

Then he can do the travelling to visit you and his children, rather than your poor mum having to do it just to make up for his deficiences.

At any rate, suggest it to him as a way for you to be comfortable and looked after and to ensure your older child is looked after too. At least you could discuss it as a viable option.

GrockleBocs · 26/11/2017 00:57

Are your family finances stretched? If you (or he?) had savings before dc1, why has that changed? Are you scraping by now? It's hard to say hibu if you are struggling for money. Most decent employers wouldn't look unfavourably on an employee for taking paternity leave.

BelleandBeast · 26/11/2017 00:59

I had DD2 on a Wednesday, DP was back at work the following Monday. I had nobody, no mum, sister, nobody. I look back an wonder how I did it DD2 was breast fed, mainly as that was easiest. DD1 was at pre-scool and we made it every morning, but often I was crying on the way, as was DD1.

Don't be me. Get as much support as you can, for as long as you need it.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 26/11/2017 01:04

I think it depends on a lot of things. My DH is in the Royal Navy, so I am used to him being away and was happy.to get him home for 2 weeks per baby ( at one point I had 3 under 5 , and he had to go back to the Gulf after the 2 weeks)
So it depends on what job he does, your finances, and how it will affect both your careers. I appreciated that my DH working facilitated me being at home with the dc. Fast forward a few years and my career is up and running again. And I now make more money than he does, and can facilitate him retiring early if he so chooses. It makes sense for the lower paid earner to take the maternity/ paternity leave

Akire · 26/11/2017 01:05

Does seem odd to have a second while you are in middle of degree have debts, and are scrapping by.

Would he be able to work part time for 3-4 weeks instead of 2 full weeks off? So home after lunch? Is he sort of partner who will pull his weight if he’s home for two weeks?

BelleandBeast · 26/11/2017 01:09

And I was cooking proper meals every night until a friend said 'pizza' is the answer. Don't cook, just reheat.

MidniteScribbler · 26/11/2017 01:14

8I’m sure she won’t let me suffer though.

Suffer? It's having a baby, billions of women have done it. Sure, it's nice to have support, but I don't think you know the meaning of the word if you think that the perfectly natural act of having a child and raising it is suffering.

IndieTara · 26/11/2017 01:15

OP he sounds just like my XH who refused to take leave also and also refused to take any time off when DD was 4 mths old and I slipped a disc lifting her out of her cot!

I was bedridden for a month as I couldnt walk. Then admitted to hospital for surgery.
My mum who lives abroad had to come over and look after us.

Dont go down that slippery slope, get this sorted now

1DAD2KIDS · 26/11/2017 01:23

I only took the first two weeks off from work with both children. I would have love to take more but I sole bread winner and someone had to keep a roof over my families head. But if I could have afforded to back then or my wife (at the time) been capable of making a good crust I would have.

Pixiedust1973 · 26/11/2017 01:36

He sounds like my ex, who fucked off on a business trip for 5 days (aka shagging other women) within hours of me having our second child. My mums idea of support was to tell me id made my bed so I should lie in it, she'd done her time, brought up her kids (debatable as she kicked us all out early to mid teens Hmm) so was no use at all! Do you really need a controlling arse like this who doesn't even think you're equal partner enough to include you in something as basic as family finances? Being a single mum in control of your own life & finances is wayyy easier than being married to an arsehole!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/11/2017 01:49

I think it’s really worrying that you don’t know the family finances. How is this a partnership? And how come you didn’t talk about this properly before getting pregnant? Is it possible to sit down and talk this all through?