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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband is refusing to take paternity leave

128 replies

Argeles · 25/11/2017 23:15

He says that he can’t afford to do so, as the rate of paternity leave is ridiculously low.

Two weeks after my due date, he has a two week holiday (full salary), and has told me that this will just have to be the equivalent of his paternity leave.

We both wanted a second child, but it was he who kept on pestering me to have one asap. I now feel incredibly pissed off with him, and let down, as he has also refused to take off any time to attend any appointments with me, and didn’t attend either of my scans, even though he would’ve still been paid for doing so.

I’m a sahm to a toddler, and a part time student. My parents live nearly 2 hours away, and we have no local support network. He knows how incredibly anxious and frightened I am about coping with a baby and our DD, and my Degree studies, yet this is the shit treatment I’m receiving.

I have stayed quite calm outwardly, but on the inside I am full of rage! I calmly asked him why could he afford paternity leave with our first DD, and he said that his Dad had given him the money to make up for his pay loss, but this time his Dad is unable to do so.

AIBU to think that he should be doing everything in his power to afford it and take the leave, and that I should put my foot down?
Or, should I just accept that he can’t afford it, and be grateful that he has a 2 week paid holiday soon after my due date?

I genuinely don’t want to make him feel awful over this, but at the same time, I’m feeling dreadful about the prospect of having no support straight after the birth.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 26/11/2017 02:26

I agree with Jux's suggestion - go to your mum's and stay until the annual leave kicks in.

He can do his own laundry and cooking and organising for the duration. It might make him appreciate how good he has it.

It really is hard to manage a toddler and baby, especially in the first weeks. You need the extra pair of hands and you need someone to be able to give you a break to take a nap. I was only able to do it because my mum flew to the US from Dublin a few times. exH never took paternity leave beyond a couple of days.

He needs an attitude overhaul though - it is his responsibility to take care of you and your DC1, not your mother's.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/11/2017 02:31

Just had a thought, and I am sorry for this but......

Is it possible that there is someone at work that he doesnt want to know you are pregnant? I am was just musing on how people at work must judge him for not taking PL or attending any of the scans, and then the further thought occurred....do they know? And if not, why not?

mathanxiety · 26/11/2017 02:32

MIdniteScribbler - You are in a situation where you have no choice and nobody else is going to do it, so you get it done. Just because millions of women do it doesn't mean they don't suffer, and deeply resent being the quintessential woman 'left holding the baby' - ever wonder where the bitterness behind those words came from?

Lules · 26/11/2017 03:23

I was in hospital for a week all in for one of my births. Who would look after your toddler in that situation? You can’t wait for his annual leave to start.

Pengggwn · 26/11/2017 05:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fffion · 26/11/2017 05:52

Paternity lea e is a new thing. Most families have managed without even thinking about it.

HotelEuphoria · 26/11/2017 05:54

Same here as all the others about avoiding family finance info. Please give some more info on what is earned, owned and spent in this relationship, it seems a bit odd.

BirdInTheRoom · 26/11/2017 06:08

Can he not take his annual leave when you have the baby? My DH didn’t take paternity leave with any of our three as we couldn’t afford to lose his wages - he just took paid annual leave - one week, then my mum came for a week, then he took another week and then I was on my own. I had c-sections and was pretty mobile after a few days each time, fine to drive etc after about two weeks.

He’s obviously worrying about money and supporting your family - I think you should give him a break.

Iwanttousethatname · 26/11/2017 06:11

What a total shit not to come to ur scans!! I'd b incredibly hurt.
Sit down and voice how u feel x

KimmySchmidt1 · 26/11/2017 06:44

My husband and I both work very hard, me longer hours than him. We are both in professional careers and I appreciate not everyone has those sorts of benefits but just be aware that neither of us work hard to provide for the other one - we chase promotions etc because we are ambitious for ourselves. Just don't assume your husband works hard for you. He likely does it mainly for himself And would be doing it he was single.

I'm pregnant and my husband is definitely taking at least2 months leaveleave. Having a baby is going to disrupt his career as much as it will mine, because he will have a Baby. And he will need to be its father.

And don't understand how you decided together that the family had enough money to afford another baby so soon if he can't afford to look after it?

Do you have any sight of the finances?

kittensinmydinner1 · 26/11/2017 06:50

Do you know ANYTHING about your family finances OP ? If not- then you need to be a grown up and examine them. Only then will you KNOW if he is being unreasonable. Until that point it's all guess work.

It's your life
It's equally YOUR responsibility to know what money is or isn't available to your household and not to simply leave those decisions to one partner.

trinity0097 · 26/11/2017 07:04

Could he just take a couple of days, he doesn’t have to take the full two weeks.

ForalltheSaints · 26/11/2017 07:21

Is he being pressured at work not to take the time off?

Crunchymum · 26/11/2017 07:22

So he has the annual leave booked but what is plan for when the baby comes (say they come around due date?). He goes into work after you have delivered?

There seems to be a few issues here though OP. Your husband being a prick is just one of them.

Your mum seems quite demanding of you?

CPtart · 26/11/2017 07:24

That's a massive ask of your mum. She makes a four hour round trip every time you go into uni to provide childcare? How often? Who pays for her transport?
He sounds like the kind of guy that is that desperate for a son he wanted to try again quickly. What other reason? He's selfish and chauvinistic but your over reliance on your mum (you now expect her to see to two DC for you!) is no better.
Doesn't bode well long term.

VivaLeBeaver · 26/11/2017 07:32

Why is the dh selfish and chauvinistic? From what the OP says it was her choice not to work. Maybe if she and her dh are in debt she needs to get a job after this baby arrives.

The dh is taking two weeks off which is more than a lot of blokes take.

user1486915549 · 26/11/2017 07:41

I think people are being a bit mean about the husband. He is in debt , probably worried sick about providing for a SAHM and 2 children , and has a wife who “ put her foot down “ about doing occasional work to earn money.
If a woman wants to live with 1950’s attitudes then expect your man to have them too !
Also if you want to move near your parents do you expect him to commute 2 hours each way to work ?

VivaLeBeaver · 26/11/2017 07:46

They do say that men find it very stressful being the sole earner especially when they have kids. Add debts to the equation and I'm not surprised he feels he can't take paternity leave.

VioletCharlotte · 26/11/2017 07:48

When I had my children, paternity leave didn't exist. DP (now ex) was self employed so was only able to take a couple of days of work. I just got on with it. Obvs if I'd had to have a c-section things would have been different and I'd have had to ask my parents to step in, but assuming you have a normal delivery, there's no reason at all why you won't be able to cope. Second baby is a much easier than the first as you know what you're doing so should feel more confident.

IsaSchmisa · 26/11/2017 07:52

Two weeks is plenty long enough for you to get settled and back into some kind of a routine.

But you have absolutely no idea if this is true, especially as the annual leave is soon after OPs due date and she could easily give birth before that, so it's not as if the two weeks straight after the birth are guaranteed. OP could have an EMCS, or forceps with a severe tear, or the baby could still be in hospital by then, or some combination of these things.

OP what's he going to do if eg you have a pretty normal delivery but need to stay in for a day or two? What will happen with your eldest?

rwalker · 26/11/2017 07:55

being the sole earner put horrendous pressure on you to provide and perhaps now there it an other mouth to feed he is feeling this . paternity leave is a pittance . As you said savings gone and debits

LakieLady · 26/11/2017 07:57

I think you're both BU to be honest (him for pressurising you into expanding your family and you for going along with it), but what concerns me more is the lack of openness about finances.

You say he pressurised you into having a 2nd child now, when the first paternity leave was financed by using savings that have since gone. You now find that you're in debt, presumably because one income isn't enough to cover outgoings. Are you sure he's being straight with you about financial matters? If not, he needs to be.

You need to have a serious, cards on the table, talk about money, and go through everything with a fine-toothed comb to see where savings can be made from now on. I'm very concerned that you seem to be either naive about finances or are being kept in the dark on purpose. You need to nip this in the bud before things get worse, and ask yourself if he's a bit controlling about money.

Have you anything you could sell to raise a few hundred to cover the lost income if he takes some paternity leave? Downgrade the car, sell some jewellery, that sort of thing? If not, get your mum to come and stay for the first couple of weeks. If he can't take the time off, he'll have to suck it up. You can't be expected to manage a toddler and a newborn, and study, without some help.

IsaSchmisa · 26/11/2017 07:57

Why is the annual leave booked two weeks after your due date rather than around it? Is there any option for flexibility there?

TanginaBarrons · 26/11/2017 08:01

See, I don't know about this. If your dm is stepping in to the breach and he's having 2 weeks off a couple of weeks after your due date I don't really see a problem.

My situation is a bit different but my dh is a contractor and gets no paid leave. I am having a 4th cs in 10 days and he will be with me for delivery (on a friday) and return to work on Monday. My mum will step in for a week and he then has an enforced Xmas work furlough so will be with me for 2 weeks after that.

He didn't come to scans either as he doesn't get paid time off. I am happy with arrangements - this will be the longest he's had off with any of our kids thanks to Xmas timing. I suppose the difference is it's a discussion and he hasn't laid down the law. Of course I'd like him to be with us more (he adores newborns and is brilliant with the kids) but I understand the dilemma, and with my mum I don't actually need him.

DownTownAbbey · 26/11/2017 08:07

The main issues are why you didn't know his father paid for his last paternity leave, why you don't know enough about the family finances and why he pushed for a second DC now.

Does he think because he earns the money he controls it? Or do you just let him get on with it? Neither of these scenarios are good.

He also seems to assume a lot. He assumes your mum will step in and help. Wonder if he was expecting his DF to chip in again without asking before hand?

If it wasn't for all the slightly fishy stuff the fact that he can't afford paternity but has 2 weeks off isn't so bad especially as your mum is a gem. It's the fact that it's on top of not going to scans, pushing for a second at an 'inconvenient ' time etc that makes it part of a pattern of potential arseholery.

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