When to take away "special" toy?

[cookingongas]

My dd (7) has a special bear which she loves. Has had since birth and has been her special comfort toy. She is very very attached to it.

My dm constantly expresses distaste at the toy. She feels I should take it off dd - she'll cry for a bit but just get used to it as it will break/get lost eventually. She's too old for this. It's embarrassing etc etc.

She's growing up in so many ways- she reads and writes and does her own hair etc and I feel that this is just one thing she's kept that is still "babyish".

When, if ever, do you start to take special toys away? When is it "weird " to still love a toy as much as this? Aibu to ignore dm and let dd enjoy the toy?

Never. She has grown an attachment and it is her safety. As she gets older she may need to learn not to rely on it so much but I see nothing wrong with her having it at home or for bedtime.

Not read all the thread but, like so many others I've skimmed, I still have my childhood teddy, and dd has just taken her ted off to university with her. Why would you think a 7 yr old didn't need / want to keep her favourite ?

I would never dream of taking a much loved toy of a kid - that’s cruel and spiteful and I’d be telling GM to butt out or not to bother visiting again. My DD has a koala bear I bought in Australia. It’s getting a wee bit scruffy but she loves it and that’s ALL THAT MATTERS. I don’t care what anyone else thinks and neither does she.

Ahh no don't take it away and tell anyone who suggests to FOTFFSOFTFOSM.

My son (early twenties) still has his special and occasionally looks it out took it with him when he joined the Army

Does your DM wear a wedding ring? Any other item of jewellery that represents more than a piece of metal with possibly a small rock? That she attaches value to over and above monetary value? Because it's almost like part of whoever gave it to her - it has an emotional value connected to them?

My DH was brutally mugged a few years ago and they stole his wedding ring. It was retrieved and he got it back, but at the sentencing stage, theft of an item with such great sentimental value was a formal aggravating factor in the sentencing stage. That's formally down in the sentencing guidelines.

If we accept that adults can invest objects with huge sentimental value, and that taking them away is an aggravating factor in a crime, why the hell would anyone want to inflict that pain on a child?

That toy represents memories, love, and security. It probably quite literally represents you to her - the thinking with transitional objects is they help a child manage anxiety over separation from mum, so it becomes almost a proxy for mum. And she's wanting to snatch it away, when there is absolutely no benefit at all? Why?! Why would anyone do that? Why cause hurt and insecurity for absolutely no reason? It's bizarre.

i know loads of adults who still have their special toys. It's lovely. I hope your DD does, too.

My son has a large yellow cuddly duck. Lost some fur, bit past it's prime and has had to be operated on ie stuffing replaced more than once. It has travelled everywhere with him since I bought it. It sits on his bed and he would be heartbroken to loose it.

Oh and did I mention he's 23 with own flat, responsible job, partner etc?

My sister still has her mostly disintegrated bit of blanket. She’s nearly 30! Don’t take it!

Just wanted to add - you are lovely about your mum, but I suspect that being brought up by someone with the hinted at issues must have had its challenging moments. It's impressive you are so positive about her, recognise her strengths, but don't want to repeat the weaknesses. A hard juggle for us all.

My 15 year old still takes her special monkey on school trips etc.. Dont ever remove it, it will be loved forever

Stick it in the freezer fur a few hours to kill bugs. Never fails with my excema prone son.

33 year old here!! Still have my 'special toy' sat on my bed. Obviously I don't feel the urge to take it out with me etc anymore but I wouldn't dream of parting with it.

OMG!!! How mean of your mother.

My 13 year old rufty tufty boy still has his favourite toy with him to sleep.

It sounds like your mum has some mental health issues around "cleanliness anxiety". I don't like to armchair diagnose and the term "OCD" gets bandied about very readily. But you cannot allow your mum's problems to impact your DD's childhood in such an important way.

"No messy play at Granny's house" - fine, it's teaching respect for other people's rules in their own homes.
"Granny doesn't like your bear so I'm taking it off you" - HAHA NOPE.

When is your mum seeing the toy? If it's when you're visiting her, then can DD simply leave it at home for the visit? Or if it's her visiting you, can DD be persuaded to leave the toy in her room for the duration of the visit? I'm trying to think of a good line of argument you could use, obviously she's too old for "Rabbit will enjoy some time on his own" ...

Of course you could also simply "take one for the team" and continue to nod and smile at your mum's intrusive thoughts, or you could be direct and say "I know you are uncomfortable with the toy because of your issues around hygiene and mess. I am DD's mum and my decision is that the toy stays as there is no actual hygiene risk to her having it. You don't have to touch it and when DD comes to your house we will leave it at home."

If DD has regular sleepovers at your mum's, can you encourage DD to pick a new toy she would like to take instead? Or a toy which she can keep at Granny's which would be specially for sleepovers? Make it a wipe clean one or one which is suitable for machine washing!

My 8 year old son, nearly 9 still sleeps with his baby blankets he's had ever since he was new born. He finds them so comforting snuggling up to them, first thing in the morning he goes into he living room and snuggles up in the sofa with them. What sort of mum would I be if I suddenly got rid of it??! They are never too old.

And both my special toys are carefully kept in my drawer, over 45 years on. Don't take them to bed but could not bear to be parted from them - part of my childhood!

I'm in my 40's and still have my special bear - that bear has been washed, mended, patched, posted from the grandparent's house, had it's head sown back on, had earrings put in it's ears, had it's own wardrobe made by my mother...it came to university with me, had his nose nearly pulled off by my toddlers, everything that could happen to a little bear has happened to him. He came free with tokens from baby food in 1971. I bet there's none other like him in the world now. He/she is gender fluid

Dh won't let him in the bed though - but I still have him.

Rara the rabbit. lives in my 14 year olds book shelf (where he naps most of the time) He is the colour of love (aka grey and his neck is about twice the size of when he arrived 13 years ago)

FFS! My DH still has his squirrel from when he was a little boy. It's has a honourable place on the shelf among DD's stuffed toys now.
Why would you want to take it back? That's total madness. I'd honestly tell your DM to butt out and if she causes the bear to disappear there will be consequences in terms of restricted Grandma - Granddaughter time. And I'd be honest about it.
Why would you ever even contemplate taking away your DD's favourite toy? Babyish or not, it's her favourite thing she is attached to it.

Get rid of the MIL. Keep the toy.
Everyone in this house (47, 42, 9 and 6) still has theirs. In fact so does DM - 74!

Crikey, my children 13, 11 and 8 all have their cuddly toys that they received when born. My 13 year old went on a scout camp recently and it was mentioned in kit list, take a cuddly toy. His is so special, we once (3 year's ago) did a 250 mile round trip to retrieve it.

My dad still has her Bunbun given to her when she was born 43 years ago. My 11 year old dgs and his 8 year old brother sleep with their favourite soft toys and school residential instructions always suggest pupils, even in year 6, take a favourite soft toy for night time.
Your mum is so very out of order.

Nooo! Why upset her? Is he some kind of sadist? There is no upper age limit for a toy you love.

Never take it away.

Our girl still has hers. She’s 8 and she show no signs of ever giving it up.

If DM is insistent, go to her place and tell her you are taking away a treasured item, ses how she likes it. Ask er to hand over her engagement ring, after all, she’s married now, she doesn’t need it.

My dh was brought up in a very unloving home with sentimental things not kept or treasured...and even he has his soft toy from when he was a baby! Your DM is being unnecessarily cruel. My dd has begun to give away soft toys etc at nearly 12 but it's been her decision and certainly doesn't include her bears from when she was a baby!

Absolutely never!

Tell your dm to but the fuck out, it's got nothing to do with her.

Fwiw, I still have the formerly pink teddy bear that was given to me about two hours after I was born.

She is imaginatively named pink Ted and lives on top of my wardrobe.

I'm 27 and apart from my engagement ring (and maybe my best electric guitar) it is my most precious possession.

She doesn't look like much, a bit tatty, very faded and a bit threadbare but she's special to me.

It's the only thing from my early childhood I still own.