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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

542 replies

Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:01

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 24/11/2017 11:02

I presume you also invite randomers every year as well then? No, thought not.

Randomers? It's a friend of her husband :/

Trinity66 · 24/11/2017 11:03

It's because we don't do shit like this to each other.

Crime of the century lol

RhiannonOHara · 24/11/2017 11:05

Why must something be 'Crime of the century' to matter?

And what do you think about my other point, that you were too busy loling to answer? That the OP does all the Xmas work and yet has been told, not asked, that she'll be having an extra guest and a bad one at that?

Eliza9917 · 24/11/2017 11:07

I doubt one more person is much, if any, more work. She's still cooking a turkey, still cooking veg etc. How much more work is it to make up one more plate?

ThreeWheeledCar · 24/11/2017 11:08

sorry but think you are being unkind

Trinity66 · 24/11/2017 11:09

RhiannonOHara

What Eliza9917 said really but she could always say, "He can come but you better get off your ass and help me this year"

tinysparklyshoes · 24/11/2017 11:11

sorry but think you are being unkind

So you want her to be kind to a randomer but unkind to her own family and even herself?

Eliza9917 · 24/11/2017 11:12

tinysparklyshoes Fri 24-Nov-17 10:44:03
It's not the sister & BIL's house though is it. They have been invited there, they don't have to go

I think you are missing the point rather massively. They were invited, accepted and all was arranged in a way they and OP were happy with. That is their business, not yours or mines or anyones.
Random dude has other places he could be but has CHOSEN not to. Now you are saying OP should put some randomer who does not need to be alone even without going to hers above her own family and their arrangements? What rot!

In my family we have often had waifs and strays for Xmas and it is usually lovely. But that is out choice to do, not something anyone should be forced into.

I spend my Xmas morning volunteering for a charity and then home to my family. I bet none of you bleating about the Xmas spirit do that, nor do you invite random waifs either, you're just acting rude and superior to OP.

I actually do volunteer, I groom homeless peoples dogs while they clean up/eat etc and we have had random lonely people in on christmas day.

I don't have full veto over what happens on christmas day as I always go to my mums. if DP and I were to stay at home I certainly would have a lonely elderly person in for the day and then befriend then from then on.

You don't know what charitable things people do so you shouldn't really comment.

extinctspecies · 24/11/2017 11:13

Yes, I would invite random friends or relatives over if they had nowhere else to go.

In fact, did this a year ago to a cousin's friend's student daughter who was studying in the UK and had nowhere else to go. In the end she got a better offer! But we would have been happy to have her even though none of us in the family had ever actually met her.

If there is a connection, we would always be happy to invite people over.

PickleFish · 24/11/2017 11:15

I presume you also invite randomers every year as well then? No, thought not.*

Actually on most holidays throughout the year I am a randomer who doesn't get invited and feels the loneliness acutely. This Christmas I will be with mum, but we might get invited for dinner at someone's house to spoil their little family gathering by making things more awkward, which I'm sure we will. I'm still pretty shy and not a great guest, and I too would wish to be with my own family, but that's never going to happen again, so I am grateful if someone else is kind, even when it does make their day harder.

I don't think people need to go to extremes; I'm not saying invite all the homeless people in, nor to make things impossible for yourself by being so uncomfortable you get no enjoyment at all out of the day. But there is a middle ground, which can include inviting people you know who might otherwise be alone, at least for dinner. I wouldn't want to do it myself, no, but I would probably try, if I had a family/house/situation that made it realistic, and knew someone who was in that position.

I guess it depends just how horrible the man really is; he doesn't offer to wash up and he doesn't put his knife and fork together, maybe isn't that good company, but is that awful enough not to be invited at all? Maybe for some people. And I'm sure there are others who are much worse, and whom I wouldn't want to invite. I'm not a saint either. It's all a question of balances. I don't think people should underestimate the difference being welcomed when you are lonely can make, though, and weigh that up against whether you can put up with a bit/some/a lot of awkwardness in your day, and not just dismiss it out of hand as a possibility.

Not advocating unilateral invitations, or one person ducking out of all the prep and hosting duties, nor calling someone a bitch for their reaction, however.

tinysparklyshoes · 24/11/2017 11:17

Yes, I would invite random friends or relatives over if they had nowhere else to go

So that's a no then. You only do it in your head, not for real. Thought so!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 24/11/2017 11:17

The big issue here isn't that his mate is coming but that DH is expecting to not lift a finger and sit around drinking with him. Now that is out of order.

Mittens1969 · 24/11/2017 11:17

I do empathise, OP. It was wrong of your DH not to check with you before inviting his friend, especially when you’re the one who does all the work on Christmas Day. But it still would be mean to uninvite him now that your DH has invited him.

Just put your foot down and make your DH pull his weight on the day.

InternetHoopJumper · 24/11/2017 11:18

YANBU

OMG, OP. I have only read a few pages of this thread so far and I don't think I can stomach anymore. I can't believe there are posters calling you the b-word. I can't believe you husband called you that, after inviting someone over you can play hostess to all Christmas, since your husband won't help to keep the guests comfortable. That is totally out of order and very disrespectful behavior from him.

Your husband is taking you for granted and is being very disrespectful. Does he do that more often? Maybe you should have a good long talk with him about the fact that he is treating you like an unpaid housekeeper. I am disgusted by his behavior and by the behavior of a lot of posters on this thread.

You deserve better.

extinctspecies · 24/11/2017 11:25

tinysparklyshoes did you bother to read the rest of my post? I then went on to give an example of when I had done this - last year in fact.

You seem to have a real bee in your bonnet about this? Some of us do believe in sharing the love at Christmas. And I'm an atheist!

tinysparklyshoes · 24/11/2017 11:28

Yes, I did. As I said, you haven't actually ever had a random over.

I do have a bee in my bonnet about women being walked over and expected to put their own needs and wishes aside for others, usually men.

A man invites a friend of his for Xmas, without asking his wife who does all the work, knowing it will not be good for the family guests they already agreed together to invite, and calls her a bitch for not being happy with it.

And you bunch of harpies tell her she really is a bitch and he sounds like a lovely kind man full of the Xmas spirit?!

If you can't see why I am fucked off with that there is something wrong with you. you should be fucked off too!

Trinity66 · 24/11/2017 11:29

Also, all the people going on like its some random guy he picked up off the street...not an actual friend of his Confused

But like someone else said the actual problem here is that the husband doesn't help out at all. That should bother you more, alot more than inviting someone for dinner imo

tinysparklyshoes · 24/11/2017 11:30

He is a random guy to OP and her family.

Sagelistener · 24/11/2017 11:30

Have to agree with SciFiFan2015 who early on said to discuss with your DH and come up with a plan you can both agree to - Possibly restricting hours that DH friend is there - like you mentioned OP a 'Christmas tea' ... though that sounds like double work in my head - would much rather have guests arrive for the main meal while things are already cleaned and ready than have someone coming half way through the joyous chaos :)

Junebugjr · 24/11/2017 11:31

Sharing the love doesn't have to mean someone, usually a woman, sucking up all sorts of wifework over Christmas.
I can't see why posters can't see this issue.

extinctspecies · 24/11/2017 11:32

Are you calling me a liar? Believe it or not tinysparklyshoes I don't host xmas every year. And the reason I did not have a complete stranger in my house for xmas last year is because she had a better offer. But my parents have often had other strays round at xmas in the past - and I have been a beneficiary of this myself about 20 years ago when I was living abroad.

I haven't commented on the OP's husband refusing to help - that's a different issue and something they need to deal with, and not something I would condone.

Trinity66 · 24/11/2017 11:33

Junebugjr
Sharing the love doesn't have to mean someone, usually a woman, sucking up all sorts of wifework over Christmas.
I can't see why posters can't see this issue.
I do see an issue with that but that issue is there whether the friend comes to dinner or not

whiskyowl · 24/11/2017 11:35

I think it depends entirely on what this mate is like. DH had a friend who was rude, aggressive and sadistic in that he delighted in making others uncomfortable and upset. You could see him get kicks out of it. No way in hell would I have him anywhere near my family on Christmas. A good friend, however, who had been there through thick and thin and would otherwise be alone is a totally different matter.

I think, unless he's a complete cunt and you're willing to tell him that, now he's been invited it would be really difficult to uninvite him without being a bit cruel. You could, however, limit the hours he is around to dinner and a bit afterwards.

tinysparklyshoes · 24/11/2017 11:37

Are you calling me a liar?

No dear, I'm agreeing with you. You are judging the OP for not doing something you have never done. AS you said, your parents did. You offered but have never done it.

Junebugjr · 24/11/2017 11:37

Confused Trinity.
The DH has invited another person who will cause extra work for the OP.
So it's not a separate issue.