DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

[Robyrollover]

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

We often had extra people at Christmas when I was a child, students who'd have been alone, visiting families at the university where my dad worked, other people that didn't know anyone, etc.

Yes it was much more uncomfortable for me than if it had been just us (pathologically shy child), and the rest of the family might have been happier/found it an easier day otherwise, but you try to be kind at Christmas. It's such a hard time for lonely people - and it IS different than the rest of the year when you are also mostly alone (trust me, I know this from experience now - holidays just remind you so much of what you don't have). I think you can suck it up a bit and not have your perfect comfy happy Christmas with your little family alone, and put up with a bit of discomfort in order to be kind to strangers.

Yes, it should have been discussed. Though it sounds like you'd have said no anyway.

And yes, your DH should be as involved in the preparations and hosting on the day.

But those are separate. Sometimes I think you do have to do things you don't really want to, make your Christmas a little less easy, for the sake of being kind and compassionate to others that might not have much of Christmas at all otherwise.

Why does your antisocial BIL get to decide who is invited to YOUR house? Surely if he'd dislike it that much, he could stay at home on his own?

Just because he has family doesn't mean he still won't be alone .

Would have been polite for dh to check with you but it's his mate and he wanted to invite him. Be a nice thoughtful person.

Your sister doesn't get to dictate who you invite to your house.

Why does your antisocial BIL get to decide who is invited to YOUR house?

He doesn't. Op does, except her dh didn't do her the courtesy of asking her.

Sometimes I think you do have to do things you don't really want to, make your Christmas a little less easy, for the sake of being kind and compassionate to others that might not have much of Christmas at all otherwise

Ah really? Then I guess you and all the others saying similar things will be asking in homeless folks off the street to share your dinner and have a game of monopoly?
No you won't. Easy to tell Op though isn't it?

Robyrollover
He's not - last time he came over he didn't even manage to put his knife and fork together maybe why it's been over a year since I've seen him

What the actual fuck.

I don't think YANBU. Neither DP nor I would dream of inviting someone over for Xmas without discussing with the other.

It goes double if you're the one expected to cook/clear/entertain (I know you said that isn't your main concern, but I think it's important. MN seems to be full of people with men in their lives who just assume that the household fairies will take on any amount of domestic work, no problem and no questions asked.)

YABU. I don't like to see anyone on their own at Christmas.

Yanbu to be annoyed and yes he should have discussed it with you first before asking.

However if I knew somebody was going to be alone for Christmas I could t not invite them regardless of wether they were barely known to me or not.

I'd make it clear that he should never put you in this position again and should discuss in the future and I'd suck it up. You never know might be the best Christmas ever.

Are there a lot of trolls on this thread because I genuinely can't believe how mean spirited some of the posters are??
Unless he is a total twat which you have not said he is , I'm sure he has very good reasons why he feels unable to spend Christmas with his own family this year.
Do the right thing to do is to make him part of yours for the day and include him in everything (buy him a small present too so he doesn't feel like a second class guest). Just get him to muck in with your husband and do the washing up. You'll probably find you all have a lovely day but if not at least you will have a warm glowy feeling knowing you have done the right thing.

Oh and I meant to say, if DP called me a bitch, he'd be sleeping on the fucking sofa for a week. If I was being kind.

Do your relatives not function in the outside world? There are strangers everywhere. With you & DH, your 5 kids, them - sister & bil and their kids if they have any, i don't imagine one person will make much difference and be such a huge presence as it ruins their whole Christmas ffs.

What would they do if you did that thing where you have an elderly person with no family over for Christmas dinner? Would they still not be able to function like adults in their presence?

I have visions of a deathly silent Christmas day in your house, all sitting around the front room on hard backed dining chairs, china tea cups in hand, all in silence just looking at each other, with no one being allowed to smile. And plastic covers on the sofa.

Sounds so much fun in your house

He clearly should have asked you but I think it will look bad rescinding invite, also how well does DH get on with your fam? if BIL is antisocial or awkward maybe his just covering the social awkwardness?

Bitclueless - so now the OP has to buy this bloke a present as well as organising the whole thing. Ffs.
Funny how when it's women urged to do the right thing, it's always means putting their own wishes aside.

Probs being a bit unreasonable. If he's not a bad guy, why can't he come? Your extended family don't have to change their personalities; your dh's friend just wants some Christmas company.

Bit what the fuck? Trolls?

The OP does all the grunt work of Christmas, the DH "doesn't get" Christmas so doesn't do anything.

The OP discussed inviting her shy sister with her husband before doing so. The husband invited his drinking buddy (who has been hosted at their house before and made no move to help in any way) over for Christmas and didn't tell her til days later.

The husband then told her she's a bitch for not wanting to invite someone who will upset the guests they've already mutually agreed upon.

The astounding thing is that there are so very many people saying that the OP is the one who should bend over and suck it up for the poor hard done by husband and drinking buddy.

Bloody hell, the Christmas spirit is alive and well on this thread, eh!

Do your relatives not function in the outside world? There are strangers everywhere.

Not in ones home, generally. Or uninvited in ones familys home on Christmas.

Actually amazed at these responses, so hypocritical and many just outright nonsense!

He ought to have discussed it with you before the offer was made. But...it’s such a lovely, kind thing to do. If my son was alone at Christmas I’d be so so happy to know he had a friend who’d included him. Please OP, just go with it. And have a lovely Christmas 😊

I can't believe you'd make your husband retract the invite, that's going to be so awkward for him and the poor guy who now is not only alone for Christmas but has been uninvited somewhere too. Where's you Christmas spirit, come on!

I can't believe you'd make your husband retract the invite, that's going to be so awkward for him

But it was OK to invite him unilaterally in the first place, was it?

So we should be bothered about an awkward conversation for one dickhead man, but not about an awkward Xmas for several other people?
Is it just because they have vaginas that their feelings don't matter?

I think this thread shows two types of people, those who like to have guests and those who consider their home a bit of a retreat from people. Extroverts and introverts perhaps. Older generations and younger generations perhaps.

My husband and I couldn't think of anything worse than having people in our home on Christmas Day. But both our sets of parents love inviting anyone and everyone.

I think that's how I've read all the responses, it's the horror of having guests vs the joy of having guests.

I think if we had decided to have guests, the stress has already been felt, and one more lonely bloke won't make much difference so I would think I'd let him come. But my husband would never have agreed to it without asking me, and he's never called me a bitch in his life, so I don't know if I would want his friend there if it provokes that kind of response. I'd need to get some reassurances that DH would be his usual helpful self and his mate would be nice to my relatives and kids I think. And an apology for calling me a bitch too. That's really uncalled for.

Ffs some of you people making out you are wonderful people by generously opening your house up to people because you couldn't bare for them to feel bad - then in the next sentence belittling people for not being the same as you. She is not saying her sister in law can't talk to people, is miserable and avoids the general public. She is just shy and would prefer her Christmas the way that would make her more comfortable and why shouldn't she, the bloke has other options And it is choosing not to- he is allowed to not want to spend it with someone and no one bats an eyelid but the sis is s miserable cow who should get her herself?
Introverted people are no more stupid than people with phobias - I take it none of you have any anxieties of any sort?

Yabu a d mean. Its christmas no on should be on their own at christmas. Suicides are high then too. I have had someone lonely pop round for christmas and know someome else who is lonely and depressed and has zero family and friends. She spent last year at a stranger from the soup kitchens house and this year a possoble stranger from church.