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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

542 replies

Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:01

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

RagingFemininist · 24/11/2017 08:26

YANBU
I’m the one who has been in her own for Christmas. I’ve also been invited by some friends to spend the day with them and their family (parents in that case).
It was weird even though I knew all the people there quite well. I felt out of place and like I was disturbing a nice day.
And this is despite us spending. Lot of time together as friends and I knew the parents well too.

In your case, you dint know them, your dsis and BIL dont at all. That’s going to be 3 people being very uncomfortable (esp if you dint like socialising) and one that will be at ease. I suspect the friend won’t either (because he won’t know people there and should pick up on the uneasiness).

Last but not least, you dint take a decision like this wo talking to your partner! That’s called respect.

I suspect that people who say you are horrible have never had to spend Christmas with a stranger. Or are real social butterflies.

Evelynismyspyname · 24/11/2017 08:31

Exactly Down and Tower - telling your wife she's being a bitch for not doing as she's told is not a great example to the children. Not consulting your wife before inviting someone unexpected to a meal she is cooking and usually ends up clearing up, and a day she is already doing all the grunt work of hosting, and calling her a bitch when she objects is not showing "grace".

Would those telling the OP she's unreasonable want their DDs marrying a man like that? Or their DSs treating their wives like that?

Rudgie47 · 24/11/2017 08:32

So the shy in laws dont have to talk to strangers at work then? I'd only make allowances for them if they had a diagnosed disability. Any adult unless they have serious issues should be able to make basic small talk.
I think I would talk to my DP say that you are prepared to have him as long as DP does at least 50 % of all the preperation and cooking etc. If hes not going to then no way. Say theres no way he's going to be sitting drinking beer with the mate whilst I was stuck doing everything.
Also the friend could do other things like volunteer with the homeless on xmas day, he doesn have to be by himself.

Mia1415 · 24/11/2017 08:35

Your DH should have asked you first, however now he has asked him, of course you should let him come.

Don't be so mean. Its Christmas!

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 24/11/2017 08:35

I always invite anyone I know is otherwise alone. To be honest it's lovely, everyone gets on. I can't bear the thought of anyone being alone on the day.

tinysparklyshoes · 24/11/2017 08:37

I can't believe there are asshats calling you a cruel bitch for not wanting a complete stranger that you haven't invited in your house at Christmas!

I bet those calling you names wouldn't have him, the two faced gits.

Trampire · 24/11/2017 08:40

I hate shyness being used as an excuse for being anti social and a bit rude,

My inlaws are quite anti social (they say shy). They're not really. They just hate change and things they don't know.

They came to us one Boxing Day. I invited my friend and her daughter as they were on their own. My friend is very vivacious and bubbly and great with people. MIL especially had a cats bum face for about 1 hour but then warmed to the extra energy. She secretly had a good time. She still asks about my friend.

This year we're having my mum, my niece, my friend and her daughter on Xmas day. They've never met. Everyone's up for it.

LakieLady · 24/11/2017 08:46

It's the fact that him coming will (and I know this sounds dramatic) ruin the day for Dsis and her husband. No amount of board games will make them 'loosen' up

Jeez, they sound a bundle of fun. Can't imagine why you invited them!
Perhaps your DH invited his mate so he'll be able to have a bit of a laugh.

The only criteria we have for guests is that they must be good company.

FeelingAggrieved · 24/11/2017 08:48

If asked in advance you have every right to say no but now it seems really cruel. :/

WitchesHatRim · 24/11/2017 08:51

It's the fact that him coming will (and I know this sounds dramatic) ruin the day for Dsis and her husband. No amount of board games will make them 'loosen' up

So everyone has to always tip toe around them.

Sorry but sod that. By that logic you can't have any one around that they don't know very well in your own house.

BakedBeans47 · 24/11/2017 08:51

YABU

yes your husband should have asked up front but it’s rotten to withdraw the invitation now.

BakedBeans47 · 24/11/2017 08:52

And I bet he’s a lot more fun than your sister and BIL who sound as miserable as sin frankly

derxa · 24/11/2017 09:13

Are your Ds and BIL Lord and Lady Whiteadder?

ExConstance · 24/11/2017 09:14

My father had a garage business and if he discovered any of his customers would be on their own at Christmas he would ask them to join us, it was always quite jolly to have someone we didn't know that well turn up. I think it would be selfish not to invite anyone who you knew would be having a miserable Christmas on their own if you could avoid it.

Davespecifico · 24/11/2017 09:15

I don’t like him for calling you a bitch. Do you like him?

RatherBeRiding · 24/11/2017 09:17

You're not being at all unreasonable to be furious that DH has presented you with this fait accompli, because you have concerns about your sister and brother in law not enjoying their day with you now because they have severe social anxiety and they don't know the guy. Fair point.

Equally, how on earth do you un-invite someone for Christmas Day dinner without looking an absolute bitch? Even if you go to great lengths to dream up some scenario to present to the friend about how it won't work after all because........ - well, it will still look to him like exactly what it is. DH wants him and has invited him, you don't.

Honestly in your shoes I'd suck it up and forewarn DSIS and BIL, and make sure you DH takes on responsibility for friend at one end of the table, and you and your DSIS and BIL stay down the other end and converse amongst yourselves, if that would help ease the tension a bit.

Otherwise - I have terrible social anxiety but even I can't imagine a day being ruined because one unknown person has joined a party I am otherwise completely happy with.

Pearlsaringer · 24/11/2017 09:19

Some horrible comments here, calling you a bitch is really off.

Your original post asked if you WBU to say no. Yes you would, but your daft DH extended this invite without consulting you first so YANBU to be a bit put out. The idea of making it an invitation to tea is good in theory but I think if I was invited to spend Christmas Day I’d assume the main event so not sure you will get away with that, sorry!

So now you recalibrate Christmas. If you are more comfortable handling the catering, make sure your DH steps up with the hosting, keeping the drinks flowing, getting everyone talking to each other. It is his responsibility to make this work for everybody.

Might be a good idea to give your DS and BIL a heads up but don’t make too much of a thing of it. They may cope better than you fear, and that will be its own success.

ShotsFired · 24/11/2017 09:23

Still RTFT, but going against the grain of the wailing, wringing hands chorus of "how could you possibly leave ANYONE ALONE AT CHRISTMAS" nonsense....

@Robyrollover did this mate actually beg for a place so he wouldn't be all alone, alone, ALONE I TELLS YA! on the day, or were they just chatting, it came up and he didn't mind either way and accepted a casual "fancy it?" "yeah sure why not" invite?

Honest to god the piety I see around Christmas in this place. You do know that it is quite ok for a grown adult to spend a day by themselves, just as they probably do most of the year. Making such a big show of laying out the welcome mat just because one day has a special name is actually pretty condescending if you haven't been doing the same kind of social outreach all year. You are basically saying that this man wouldn't cope if he didn't have you.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/11/2017 09:31

A new thought (prompted by ShotsFired) - if this mate of your H's was asked casually, and actually isn't all that bothered about whether or not he's alone, do you think he might not turn up? If, for instance, he cops off with someone at the pub christmas even do and decides to stay in bed with them...

Nikephorus · 24/11/2017 09:31

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable OP. DH should have asked you before he asked his mate, regardless of who else was invited. And if I was your SIL or BIL I'd now be dreading Christmas & looking for an excuse to pull out (I hope you're warning them in advance). Spending what should be a nice relaxing family day with a complete stranger that you feel obliged to make polite conversation with & where you can't just talk family stuff because that would leave them out, that's a crap day in my book. The whole dynamic of the day is changed unless you all happen to be social butterflies which obviously SIL & BIL at least aren't. They have my sympathy, as do you.
Maybe DH should go to friend's house instead so you & your in-laws can have a nice day after all?!!

Tipsytopsyturvy · 24/11/2017 09:35

HE should have asked you first.
But it’s done now and as long as your dh helps you on the day then will one more really be much difference? Spirit of Christmas and all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/11/2017 09:37

I’d only make allowances for them if they had a dispagnosed disability.

My fil definitely has SEN and were he a child today, he would have a diagnosis but he isn’t. Diagnosis is a relatively recent phenomena and many far younger adults don’t have a diagnosis either. He’s in his 80’s. So you wouldn’t make allowances for him? Interesting.

Additionally, this attitude is why we end up in the situation, where my idiot family couldn’t believe I have ME. Because they personally hadn’t seen a diagnosis. So it’s all in my head. Well according to them, having seen my diagnosis, it’s all in my head anyway

halcyondays · 24/11/2017 09:37

He should have asked you first but yabu to not want to have him for Xmas. I don't think it's at all unusual to spend xmas Day with someone you don't know well, I've done this on several occasions with different groups of people and I'm "quite reserved" too.

tinysparklyshoes · 24/11/2017 09:37

Who is doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, preparing for Xmas? I'm betting its OP and not the DH who invites people without asking. When he does it all he can ask who he likes, not before.

For all any of you know this guy could be the worlds biggest prick. If he's some lovely fun interesting dude why doesn't he have somewhere else to go?

RadioGaGoo · 24/11/2017 09:42

So your DH is calling you a bitch for inviting someone you hardly know, without consulting you, for Christmas Day. And yet you are being called the mean one here, whilst DH is chided for not running it past you first.

Wow.

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