DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

[Robyrollover]

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

This is why women end up doing the shitwork.
Social pressure to STFU and be a good little wife.
Not OP's problem a man is on his own over Christmas.
If you are doing the graft Op, then you decide who gets to come.
If DH wants to play more the merrier, then he caters and entertains.

@Evelynismyspyname spot on!

Great post @Pannacott

I would be pissed off too!

"I think it's pretty gross the way that some PPs are calling them miserable, boring, losers etc."
Agree - some people can find it incredibly difficult to cope because of social anxiety, autism/asperger's etc. Interesting question - is it wrong/mean/unChristmassy of op to be concerned about their needs? I agree that it may all in fact turn out for the best with everyone pulling crackers happily - but op is reasonable to be concerned that it may not, I think.

I would be pissed off my partner hadn't discussed it first.
I agree with Evelyn.
And I don't agree with this " nobody should be alone at Xmas".
Some people deserve to be .

The more the merrier. Not for everyone it isn't, and the fact that it's December 25th doesn't suddenly change that fact.
I would be very pissed off with my husband in this situation, but I do agree you can't uninvite this guy. I would tell him (your husband) in no uncertain terms not to do it again though. Obviously you will have to make an effort not to make his friend feel unwelcome in anyway.
Well said Summerkelly. I'd love to be on my own on Christmas day, at least for once.

YABU - it's Christmas! You're allowed your sister but he can't have his mate over? The best Christmases I've ever had were collections of waifs and strays who ordinarily wouldn't have grouped together but for one reason or another had no other family to go to. It's always a blast, and nice to provide a great day for those who might be on their own otherwise.

He should have asked you first and for that reason you are right to be pissed off with him but at the end of the day it's only one extra person and I have the thought of anyone being on their own Christmas Day so I wouldn't take back the invite.

I get it. I would be rather resentful if my husband did this without having a chat about it first. Especially if you don't really dig the guy he's inviting - AND then throw in your rellies as well. I am not really a people person either, and was planning on just having my husband and kids for Christmas as we have moved countries and last year was horrible. (My mother died on the 22nd). Other people are making plans for us, it would seem. I'm going to shut down social media and let them think I'm in Iceland, I think.

Kitsharrington that's your idea of a good time, it isn't everyone's though.
My mate did that one year, being sociable, invited all the single people she knew around, cooked a massive christmas dinner and it all turned into a nightmare. Half of them got drunk, didn't want their dinner and she spent most of the day locked in her bedroom to get away from them.

Find your inner compassion

Perfect way of phrasing it.

Talk to your husband properly. Tell him he has to help on Christmas Day. YANBU to be annoyed but YWBU to rescind the invitation. Try to relax a bit, it's only another day and you are all adults. It's really not that important.

Guarantee you will be furious with them all by the evening - your DH will do less as his mate is there, they will (assuming not tee total) start getting drunk and you will be fuming doing the washing up. A typical family christmas then .

YaNBU
I feel for the shy in laws. Being desperately shy or having social anxiety and aspergers is not a choice or being rude. I woukd love to be sociable and invite people at the drop of a hat but would go into a meltdown!

Also not everyone is confident cooking. I would be a nervous wreck. I don't cook for anyone unless it is a buffet party or the kids friends. Guests and family come for cakes and coffee. It's just the way it is and with 7 of us there is little room for more anyway.

ShowMe why is the compassion required for the man who calls his wife a bitch and his drinking buddy who does have family to go to but chooses not to?

Why is compassion not required for the woman who does all the drudge work of Christmas, talks through the idea of inviting guests with her husband before going ahead and doing it and gets called a bitch?

No compassion for the shy couple who will feel awkward spending the day with a stranger of course.

The op should find her inner compassion for her husband's drinking buddy, who didn't lift a finger last time she hosted him, and the husband who doesn't run Christmas plans past her but presents his plan as a done deal, and calls her a bitch.

And with a bit of luck he'll be one of the nicely brought up ones who go and do the washing up without being asked.

If he is, could I bag him please!

YANBU! I can’t believe the answers on this thread.

Your husband doesn’t contribute at all. You are already catering for 9 people including the children, never mind all the prepping. Why did he think he was in a position of authority to offer? Seems like he wants to appear lovely and kind without doing any work.

I don’t know if I would have the heart to retract the offer (unless I didn’t like the guy).

Your husband caused this problem. Tell him to explain to your sister and BIL that he has invited his friend. If they decide not to come because of this he needs to let his friend know. He has to deal with the consequences and responsibility (and potential bad feelings) of inviting people, rather than leaving it all to you. He also needs to help plan, prep, cook and clean for Christmas since he suddenly “gets Christmas” by inviting someone.

I would be super pissed with this!

I think it’s a lovely example to show the children. Compassion and friendship.
Equally, if your kids are old enough, it’s a great opportunity to ask them to spend time one-on-one with their aunt and uncle, who are reserved and not so comfortable when strangers are around.
Your husband should have run this by you. He was BU.
But you have come across quite poorly, I’m afraid.

Yep! Everything evelynismyspyname just said!

YANBU - A lot of people on here sound socially inept if they can't understand that different people have different types of personality and just because they enjoy a 'more the merrier' Christmas, doesn't mean everyone else does. It's a very special day, typically a family day for many households, and not at all unusual for normal people to acknowledge that the group dynamic changes if someone unknown to a group enters a group.

The OP is not obliged to be a martyr here just because that is what some of you would do. She risks upsetting one person or two people. Why ought she choose to upset her own sister and BIL over someone who is a stranger to her - especially as he has chosen to be alone and does indeed have family he could spend Christmas with. It would be different if it were a recently widowed neighbour or someone who has no family.

If you do end up having him for Christmas day OP, definitely take the opportunity to let your DH know he is expected to contribute to at least 50% of the planning, shopping, prepping, cooking and clearing up.

Your DH should have discussed this with you before issuing an invitation, but, what the Hell is Christmas about ? YABU. Welcome this man with some grace.

YANBU
Interesting that he has family but is choosing not to spend Christmas with them. Can see how it might suit your DH well to have a mate there but it doesn't suit the 3 other adults (you, DSis, DBIL).
Send him to one of the holier than thou brigade on this thread

You and your family sound like really hard work! Needing weeks of discussion to decide whether to invite your sister and her family over, your sister and her family who can't cope with meeting new people?

I wouldn’t be spending Christmas (or any time) with someone who called me a bitch.

I think it’s a lovely example to show the children. Compassion and friendship.

There are other values that her husband should be teaching such as teamwork and respect in a relationship.

Everyday there are women on here wondering why they have ended up doing all the shitwork. And here we have an example of a man not contributing but expecting to be able to make sole decisions on it. Yet, most are saying “suck it up”, “show some compassion”.

Why doesn’t her husband have to show compassion for the OP? Or, as women are we just expected to get on with it.

Personally I wouldn’t have the heart to take back the offer, but I’m really shocked that people can’t sympathise with the OP and some are actually being so nasty.