DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

[Robyrollover]

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

Your husband needs to step up with some of the cooking and entertainment as he is so generous to invite people round.
And the friend should be saying to your husband to check with you first if it’s ok for him to come as that’s the polite thing for him to do.
I’d be making it very clear any invitations are discussed in the future and if not your husband can sort out the mess!
Hope you manage to have a nice Christmas 🎄 Op!

OP, if you had met a friend who was going to be alone at Christmas would you have invited them? It’s lovely that you’re trying to make sure your Dsis is not uncomfortable but she’s coming to your and DH home so should try to accept this and be more accommodating. If you had weeks of discussion before inviting her, it sounds like you’ve spent years pussyfooting around her shyness and lack of sociability. If you would be happy inviting DH friend if she wasn’t coming it’s not the friend that’s the problem, your house, your Christmas. It’s one day!

Why was it such a huge decision to invite your sister and BIL?

It all sounds so unwelcoming and hard work!

FWIW I think you are massively unreasonable!

I haven’t read the full thread but know that my sister would pull out if we invited a stranger. Not in a sulk, but because it would make her anxious and stop her enjoying the day. When my in laws were coming for Christmas last year we worked it so she left before they arrived.

Is it really that you don't like the friend?

YANBU

I suspect that your husband is angry because he looked like the big, generous man who had his bitch under control when he asked his friend over for Christmas without consulting you. He was looking forward to the admiration of his friend as they drank beer and hogged the remote together and you dished up and cleared away a meal for them.

You've put him in an ego denting position having to admit he isn't king of his castle but an equal partner and should have checked with you first, just as you checked with him before inviting your sister.

Does he call you a bitch every time he doesn't get everything his way?

I would be annoyed at dh for not discussing before inviting. But i wouldn't take back an invitation knowing it would leave friend alone at Chritmas.

He's not - last time he came over he didn't even manage to put his knife and fork together

Christmas sounds fun at your house. What with that and your sister and bil who don't talk.

OP, I get the impression DH's friend is a bit of a twat?

If he didn't even bother taking his plate to the sink when he ate with you, then he could be a lazy twat who expects women to wait on him? Maybe his family are sick of him and that's why he wants to spend Christmas at yours?

I would make it clear to DH that next he invites someone without checking with you, he will need to retract the invitation. And yes, definiteky make DH help prepare / do the washing up. Maybe his friend can help him.

Does your DH does his fair share of housework? It's all very well for him to invite people if he does fuck all housework.

Also if he truly wants to be alone he won't come. I imagine he said something to dh that suggested otherwise.

Knowing how to act in a variety of social situations is a skill, which not everyone has acquired. Op has invited her family, who struggle with shyness/anxiety and sound as though they don’t have these skills.

However, they are family and any other guest coming would have to fit it with them, not the other way round. It sounds as though this man doesn’t know how to fit in or take normal social cues.

Is that the problem? And if it is, it’s hardly surprising he’s not invited by family.

Its your husbands home too, and its really horrible for you to expect his friend to be uninvited. Maybe it'll make it more fun than with the already invited miserable relatives.

Yeah, and I agree with Evelyn. And I wouldn't be enthused to make it a Merry Christmas and serve a meal to a husband who calls me a bitch.

Funny how people aren't calling your DH mean for that.

Christmas Day will not be challenging. Dsis and husband are fine with us , and it will be a lovely day. Introduce a stranger and it will be unbearable

I sometimes have my brother here xmas day. He suffers mh problems, is single, and would otherwise be on his own. He despises company, finds it very difficult to socialise. My gregarious neighbours dropped in one Xmas morning and ended up staying all day - carting their turkey and veggies round while we rearranged the table to accommodate everybody. My brother had a really enjoyable time, and there was nobody more surprised than me. (Well, perhaps he was too)

You can't possibly know that it will be unbearable for anybody.
You are not privy to the future workings of someone's mind, not even people who are usually predictable. It's not a massive deal. You are coming across as inflexible and mean spirited.

As other pp have said, social anxiety disorder, asperger's/autism (I know asperger's has stopped being used as a term now, but perhaps conveys what I mean for the moment!), extreme difficulty with social skills, can all cause people to be very uncomfortable with people they don't know, or with a change of plan - and in some cases, just unable to cope.

I realise op hasn't said that is the issue, but other pp have picked up on this possibility as well. OP I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned about your dsis and dbil. Have you discussed that aspect with your dh?

Cross posted with Cherry. It's true, you can never tell how the social dynamics will work in practice - though if op is concerned that it may be unbearable, that is a reasonable concern I think.

But it is interesting that dh thought it would be ok. Sometimes we can think things will be worse than they really will, possibly more so when we are close to the people involved, because we care more.

YANBU, I wouldn't like this either.

I spent Christmases alone in my 20s and one of the worst things was people going in about how it was wrong to spend Christmas alone rather than just letting me get on with it in peace. The constant reminders about how sad it was were much more upsetting than the actual day when I got to do what I wanted. Friend who spent Christmas alone last year said the same thing.

You sound like a brat OP. Would it make a difference of you liked this friend? I think you're using your Dsis as an excuse for not wanting this fella to come.

Yanbu, I don't understand the people calling you a bitch, you haven't done anything wrong.

How on earth does it sound as if the friend doesn't know how to take social cues, or that he's a lazy twat who expects women to wait on him? Really, where has that come from? The dry comment about the knife and fork?

YABVU. I’m shocked you even asked??

Wow. Tabu. Why on earth would it be awkward? The more the merrier surely. We always had waifs and strays at Christmas and they fitted in fine. I think you're being very precious.

Husband invites mate over for Christmas without running it past wife.

Wife does all the drudge work of Christmas.

Wife doesn't know mate well but he's been 'round for a meal before and didn't make any indication of being inclined to pitch in, didn't even attempt to clear away his own plate.

Wife doesn't invite guest without discussing it first with husband.

Husband doesn't tell wife until several days after inviting mate, presents it as a done deal.

Wife said no.

Husband calls wife a bitch for not asking how high when he says jump.

MN feel sorry for husband and mate.

WTAF?

How do your sister and bil get through adult life without being able to make any kind of small talk with a new person? I get being shy and introvert but to be unable to have a friendly meal with a new person in the room is not really functional at all.

Your mistake was posting in AIBU, where people love to cherry pick bits of info and ignore others, project, and feel they have a free pass to lay into strangers.

No, YADNBU.

This man has other Christmas Day options. He needn't be home alone on Christmas Day.

You will be doing all the work, so it's not up to DH who gets invited. If he was doing it all he'd have more leeway to make unilateral decisions. If he 'doesn't get Christmas' it's unfair to reap the rewards of you cooking and prepping and organising, but then minimise how big a deal it is by inviting people without asking, or not bothering with helping.

As a couple, the decision making process was inequitable. You consulted, he didn't. Unfair. If there are no consequences, it communicates that you are ok with this.

As hosts, you are providing an experience for your guests. If you care about that kind of thing, that usually includes providing somewhere warm, comfortable, with food and drink you think they'd like. Like not giving meat to vegetarians. Or peas to someone who hates them. Or strangers to shy introverts. I think it's pretty gross the way that some PPs are calling them miserable, boring, losers etc. You PPs are being extremely unpleasant.

It also sounds like you don't think he has a lot to commend him anyway. It's Christmas! Why have someone you don't really like, who isn't going to contribute help or express appreciation in the usual way, in your home on this extremely special and family focused day? I wouldn't. Especially when they have other options and it's going to cripple the atmosphere.

Why did your DH invite him? Was he drunk, passive aggressive, or 'thoughtless' (which really means he selfishly couldn't be arsed to think about the consequences of his actions on others). Is he sorry or concerned about the situation now?