To want to let colleagues know that this "lovely gesture" is making me feel like crap

[KeithLeMonde]

Every now and again someone at work does this "Random Acts of Kindness" thing where they wrap little gifts in lovely paper and pop them into people's pigeonholes anonymously with nice messages about how lovely the person is.

Each time they do it they seem to pick a selection of colleagues. It seems to be about 1/3 of the people each time. It's obviously different people each time they do it. One of my colleagues has had a gift every time - she is obviously lovely. The other women who I share an office with have had gifts once or twice. I have never received one.

I know this is meant to be nice but I feel like everyone at work fucking hates me.

The recipients send round these all staff emails (because the gifts are anonymous) saying how lovely it is to be appreciated. And I sit there (as do probably a few others) feeling like shit because it seems like no-one appreciates me.

I am not horrible at work I don't think. I am friendly. I work hard. I go out of my way to help people out.

I am just burning with a desire to let the RAOK person know that it's not nice to play favourites and that you can't plan a whole-class party and not invite one child. Yes, I am 44 not 6. Rubbish at my age to feel like the little girl in the playground that no-one wants to play with.

Aha, you have the No-So-Random Acts Of (un)Kindness - this kind of thing does make those on the outside feel a bit shit. However you are absolutely entitled to rip the piss out of it all at all times.

I really liked Smurf's suggestion earlier on in the thread about swapping all the things round in the pigeonholes :) And the real pigeon also mentioned earlier.

Ha he ha Random Acts Of Knobbery

I would definitely buy a little tiny something for every person and sneak them into the pigeonholes, each with an anonymous note saying you've noticed the "random" acts of kindness don't appear to be all that random so you thought you'd treat EVERYONE to make it fair. (Don't forget to include yourself so nobody knows it's you!) It might make the anonymous gift-giver (and everyone else) think twice next time.

Anonymous note to HR that it's causing some bad feeling amongst the rest of the staff that the same few people are getting "rewarded" for being lovely - meaning the rest of you aren't. What a terrible idea to have started in the first place.

I find this idea bizarre and not very professional. I am quite happy at work for people to say thank you if I do something for them, I would feel uncomfortable getting annonymous gifts and cringey notes. Even more uncomfortable to be the one not getting the annonymous gifts!!

Start acting like it's you who is the mystery giver and that's why you never receive one.

Then the lousy shit who is doing it will feel like you've stolen his/her thunder.

far from impossible (probably around 10/20% chance) that someone will get a gift every time.

Surely, if it is totally random, the chances of getting a gift every time, are exactly the same as getting none at all, or one every couple of months. The monthly chance of getting a gift is 30/10 which is one in three. The yearly chance is of getting a gift is 360/120 which is one in three. Like rolling a dice 12 times, you’ve the same chance of getting all sixes as you have of getting 12 different numbers?

Anyway, despite the mathematics, it’s all crap and doing something like this where there is a chance it is unfair, because of random is anything but kind.

Like rolling a dice 12 times, you’ve the same chance of getting all sixes as you have of getting 12 different numbers?

I'm pretty sure that's not right

What are these gifts anyway?

What are these gifts anyway?

The dice thing is right. Sounds bizarre, but is correct.

RAOK sounds like the ‘Praise Book’ in my eight year old’s class. Same kids written in every sodding week.

I don't think the probability works like that.

The chance of X getting a gift this month = 1/3
The chance of X getting a gift next month = 1/3

The chance of both those things happening, you multiply the odds 1/3 x 1/3 which is 1/9 (approx 11%)

The chance of X getting a gift 3 months in a row = 1/27 (4%)

The chance of x getting a gift 4 months in a row = 1/81 (1%)

The chance of OP NOT getting a gift 4 months in a row = 2/3 x 2/3 x 2/3 x 2/3 = 16/81 or roughly 20%

You forgot- less than half of the people get gifts each time, so not getting a gift is more likely than getting one.

The dice thing isn't quite correct- you have the same chance of getting 12 sixes as any other predetermined arrangement of numbers (e.g. 1,2,3,4,5,6,1,2,3,4,5,6)

But it's more likely that you will get 2 of each of the numbers of the dice than it is 12 sixes, because there's more ways that can happen.

To simplify it, think about 2 rolls of the dice. If you want to roll 2 sixes, you must roll a 6 both times- 1/6 x 1/6 = 1/36
If you just want 'a 1 or a 2' then the first roll, you could roll a 1 or a 2 (2/6) and the second roll you need the other one (1/6)
2/6 x 1/6 = 2/36
So rolling a 1 and a 2 (in any order) is twice as likely as 6 and 6.

Sorry- if you just want 'a 1 AND a 2'

My moneys on the woman who gets a gift everytime - narc!

“Equality of misery” is the management mantra that this thread advocates.

I had a similar experience at work. People who were ill or going through a hard time would get flowers, little gifts, and cards to cheer them up.

Except me. No idea if I was the only one who was completely ignored, bit it felt horrible. The worst was that I was off sick for nearly a year and didn’t even get the bunch of flowers and card which was sent out of the common room fund to staff who were off for more than a coup,e of weeks. I think it was because I was off sick with MH issues, when the people who were sent gifts etc had physical health issues.

Instead of focusing on you, and moaning about not getting a present for being lovely, why don't you join in the spirit of the thing and give some random gifts of your own? Then you might feel better about yourself? If you join in and be kind instead of festering about being left out? If you demonstrate kindness then maybe you'll get some in return. It's not all about you!

Giving certain people at work random gifts is not kindness. It's the opposite. Your advice is obviously terrible.

Probably well intentioned, but sounds (as others have said) cringey and childish. I don't blame you for feeling as you do, but hope you can find a way to rise above and laugh about it. I bet there are other people there feeling the same as you.

I'd start doing 'random acts of dickishness' back and start leaving used teabags and broken paperclips in the pigeonholes with notes like 'you have bad breath', 'you're always brown nosing' or 'you never get your tea round' with them.

You can really tell the happy people from the miseries on this thread

I'd send yourself a massive bunch of flowers anonymously, delivered to work with a note saying "you're the best, love from the RAOK-giver". Then write out to everyone effusively thanking the anonymous giver.

I don't think OP is saying that it's all about her and that she wants some presents. I think she just finds the whole thing uncomfortable (as would many people) and is trying to deal with the feeling. If OP joins in and starts giving people little gifts, there will still be someone who feels left out.

Not quite the same thing, but I worked somewhere where a manager started publicly giving gold stars to staff for having done something praiseworthy. It was presented as positive reinforcement, was probably intended to be divisive and was actually just risible. By contrast I'm sure ROAK is well intentioned, but I think people would rather just be appreciated and valued naturally on a day to day basis.

I used to be on a makeup board and people used to make posts that read something like:

RAOK: I have a NARS Orgasm blusher that has only been swiped once - message me!

(sometimes it was crazy stuff like 25 brand new Stila brushes etc., esp. after Christmas)

And people would either post on the thread or PM her, and she would "randomly" pick one and send her the little gift (sometimes not so little...).

The board admins banned it because of what the OP is feeling now - it started feeling very cliquey and people were being consistently left out, there were hurt feelings, and the admins felt it was not in the spirit of the board it was stopped.

The RAOK's in the OP's office are creating a cliquey atmosphere, however nicely they are (presumably) intended by the gift-giver. Grinchey as it might seem, if I was their manager/boss I would probably put a stop to it.

When I contemplate my shorter life expectancy due to my gender, it's stuff like this that takes away the sting.

Men don't do this. It's doughnuts all round, or a fight behind the bins. I hate one of my colleagues because he's an unprofessional twat, but until the fight he's still getting doughnuts or coffee if I'm buying.