To send a sick toddler to nursery?

[user4321]

Im on my way to work feeling awful having just dropped my 18month old off at nursery. He is unwell in the sense he has a cold and runny nose and temp, is being more clingy and is more sensitive to tantrums than his usual self. It is more likely than not that the nursery will call one of us to collect him, but my DH has a meeting first thing (after that he is free and can leave work if required). With my employer, it looks better if I’m called away than to not show up in the first place. But I’m feeling guilty and thinking I shouldn’t have left him there in the first place, is it unfair on the staff?

I'm sorry, but this kind of attitude is why nurseries are a veritable battleground of bugs and germs. It's just as inconvenient for all those other parents who will have to keep their kids off when they catch the same bug that you knew your kid had when you took him in.

Have some consideration for others, ffs.

Yeah massively unreasonable to send him.

Firstly because he probably feels rubbish and secondly because he’ll spread his germs around to the others and that’s 20 odd families taken out with the same bug, my son has just left nursery but the things he used to bring him and spread to us was madness resulting in all of us off work/school

Great. That’s probably the reason I have had 3 days off work and my husband 4 since September- because my youngest is being subjected to viruses from sick kids being sent in all the time.

I’m going to go against the grain here. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP. He has a cold and has a slightly raised temp. This isn’t a case of full on fever and him being really ill. Coughs and colds are constant and you can’t take a day off every time your child is a bit snotty! If he was that bad then nursery would have told you to collect him when you called to check. It is an incredibly difficult balance between work and kids and I completely understand the feeling of being pulled in all directions.

Nope, employers don't like it. Nope, it isn't great being reemed over the coals for having to keep your kid off.

And what about the point down the line where you're let go? What then?

I did the same on Tuesday, OP. It’s a really tough call.

My son didn’t have a fever any more but did on Sunday and Monday. He was snotty and quite clingy and hadn’t slept well, and I felt absolutely horrible with guilt, but the nursery told me he had a great day. Probably a much better day than he’d have had with me, especially as he’s too young to be tucked up watching cartoons or something.

It’s funny- I started a thread ages ago, annoyed because a colleague had turned up to work really sick- coughing and spluttering and sweating and snotty. I was her manager and I was pregnant, and asked WIBU to send her home (knowing the company’s very generous sick leave policy and the fact that her workload was relatively light). I was given a very short shrift, basically told it was none of my business, “not everyone can afford to take sick days”, people can’t account for every pregnant, elderly or immunocompromised person, etc etc and that basically i should shut up and put up. AIBU really ripped into me!

Why is it different with children?

Laurie well the information I received from ACAS regarding being off for child illness was that if they let me go for that i'd have a good case against them. So I wasn't too worried.

The point is, if more parents were conscious about keeping their kids off with more than just a cold, there would be less need. You sending your kid in ill could potentially create the exact same problem for somebody like me (single so only one wage) who has no choice but to take a day off. But hey, that's okay

But the OP doesn’t think ‘hey that’s ok’. She’s agonised over the decision, felt crap and has asked on here.

Wrong call but cut her some slack people.

Why is it different with children?

Because a child isn't equipped to make a judgment call in that way - an adult could reasonably feel well enough to carry out their work, and know that they need to be extra vigilant with hand washing, disposing of tissues after coughing/sneezing, giving their keyboard a clean, etc. Children are known for their questionable personal hygiene (using tissues, washing hands, covering mouth when coughing/sneezing, putting fingers in their mouths for no apparent reason) in a way that adults aren't. They spread germs like few other population groups.

Wrong call but cut her some slack people

Yes, i'm sure the other parents whose kids will no doubt end up with fevers at some point will be thinking 'bad call, ah well never mind' as they have to call in sick to their own employees

I totally get your point must and I agree with you in theory.

Yet I work in an industry where you'd be 'managed out' for a lot less than taking 15 days off per year for child sickness. Partly because that's the culture of the industry and partly because it's just not possible for them to function with many people taking this kind of unpredictable absence. And no, they'd never say it was because of child sickness, because they're cleverer than that. There would be veiled comments about your level of commitment and the fact that you're not a team player, yadda, yadda, yadda.

This is not right and of course a parent shouldn't be put in this position. But unfortunately the reality is that many are.

Stupid auto crap. Employers. Not employees. Grrr

Have they phoned you yet? I hate parents who knowingly do this!

Oh bollocks were my employers more understanding.
And I was the main earner.
Its life and its what you have to do when you have kids.
You take unpaid or make the time up later.
Its not easy but the alternative is to send a sick child to school/nursery and risk their health and others.

And as for not understanding what its like. Never mind having to take a few days off and face a grumpy boss and a lighter wage packet, I had to stop work overnight when DD was sick. No notice, just 'I have to leave now and probably won't be back'

Just like hundreds of other families every year.

Laurie i worked for an incredibly small team that struggled to function on a day when all staff were in. I'm not naive to the problems. What annoys me is the selfish attitude of 'i can't but it's okay for everyone else to get the germs'

I don't quite follow why colds are OK but fevers are not - lots of people have a temperature with a cold - it's the body's way of killing the bugs. And, schools are demanding that children go in with colds and coughs and other illnesses so fast forward a couple of years and the OP would be obliged to take in her clingy child. I don't see this is a hanging offence tbh.

mustbe no they won’t be thinking ‘ah well never mind’ any more than the OP did.

They will probably be just as worried and agonising over concerns for others versus homelessness and job loss for themselves.

Did you end up homeless DV?

Hey, the question is AIBU. My answer is yes, yes OP you were. Been there, done that & as I say, if more parents thought about it there would be less preventable germ sharing going on that forced parents to take time off in the first place

I have people who do this.

Beyond selfish.

To the staff, the staffs families, the other children and their families and your own child.

I haven't read the thread as your first post made me so angry.

Selfish. You should feel awful. Terrible parenting. Your poor child.

Yet must you're confident that if you were let go you'd get compensation. Unfortunately I'm not. We can't function without my salary and I live in a city with high levels of homelessness due to soaring rent prices.

As I've said, I don't think this is any way right and in theory I don't agree with sending kids in when they're sick, but because there's no real pressure on businesses to be family friendly, people find themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place.

streetlife. No. Because everything we had went on the mortgage.
So we were absolutely peachy thanks. Having a child with cancer, in hospital and losing a whole wage overnight was easy peasy if you use your measure

My career has never recovered and I am now on a third of what I was earning 13 years ago.

But yeah, its much harder for you to take a day off to look after your sick child.

A temperature is the sign of an active infection - its when you feel worst and are shedding virus left, right and centre. That's why you don't send them in.

It's a hard one - and I say that as someone who's had the call to collect my DS from nursery this morning. He literally went from singing and dancing in the car on the way to nursery to being unable to lift his head in about 20 minutes.

Employers aren't always understanding of absence to care for kids and certainly my two have been sick on and off since August. Luckily I'm on parental leave but if I wasn't I'd have missed this week entirely as they got ill one after the other and I don't have casual childcare support. I also have a job where not being in can mean inconveniencing 20 other people who we're due to work with me for the day.

Anyone who plans to leave their home will be exposed to bugs and germs, if you go into shops, handle money, use public transport you're going to catch whatever is going around so I'm not going to feel too bad about the potential for someone with impaired immunity catching something because my child went to nursery with a cold - the reality is people catch bugs and get sick so unless we're all going to be in quarantine from August til March you can keep your guilt trip, thanks.

In saying that, if my child had a high temp and was clearly unwell, out of sorts, tearful etc I'd keep them home because it's horrible for them to be at nursery feeling so poorly - I'd do it for their welfare not because I thought I was sparing others

ChinaRose - no they haven't phoned yet. He didn't have a temp any more when I called earlier and they said he had seemed happy and was playing fine, just a runny nose. They said they would call me if they thought he needed to be picked up and/or his temp goes up and they want to give calpol. I will call again in a bit to check.