To send a sick toddler to nursery?

[user4321]

Im on my way to work feeling awful having just dropped my 18month old off at nursery. He is unwell in the sense he has a cold and runny nose and temp, is being more clingy and is more sensitive to tantrums than his usual self. It is more likely than not that the nursery will call one of us to collect him, but my DH has a meeting first thing (after that he is free and can leave work if required). With my employer, it looks better if I’m called away than to not show up in the first place. But I’m feeling guilty and thinking I shouldn’t have left him there in the first place, is it unfair on the staff?

OP, you've gotten a right kicking here and I don't think it's deserved. I'm a SAHM and I would send my kids to nursery/school with a runny nose and minor temp if they were alright in themselves. The world doesn't stop turning when you have a cold - the workplace wouldn't accept taking time off for something so minor, schools don't either, nursery should be no different. Obviously if they're not themselves I keep them home, or if they're lethargic or hot to the touch, and I'm always happy to collect DS1 if the school ask me to, but you can't just drop everything because of a sniffle.

I love the way people assume parents with kids with health problems don’t have to work too- er we have to manage with normal childhood illnesses and hundreds of doctors appointments too. NO employer is sympathetic to parental days off. You just do the right thing.

A cold is a cold. A temperature you keep them off.

And it’s NOT just low immunity kids- my baby was a normal health newborn when she almost died from a virus caught from her older sisters nursery.

Drinaballerina I actually keep my child away from soft play. She will never set foot in one because I can’t gurantee she will be safe. If when older and able to handle things better I may risk it for a Birthday party or the like but otherwise no she doesn’t go near them. She also will be at risk while at school but I cannot avoid that unfortunately. In fact, since her sister started nursery this year in october, they have both been ill and the little one with the compromised immune system is at the hospital now with her dad waiting to see if she needs an overnight stay as she is struggling to breathe and breathing faster. She could end up with pneumonia from none other than a “common cold.” Her life will be hard and I accept that colds will be caught and are unavoidable, parents sending sick kids in with fevers etc can make her risk worse and that terrifies me.

It's unbelievably selfish and irresponsible to send a child sick to nursery. If it was 'just a sniffle' you wouldn't have written this aibu. You have justified it to yourself to ease your guilt, as the many other posters who send their sick kids in have too.
And just so you know - my child is non responsive to vaccines. Which means they don't work for him. But yes, parents of immune compromised children still have to work - but without the benefit of a cold being just a cold or vaccines that protect them from serious diseases. We rely heavily on those with full immune systems to do the right thing and be socially responsible.

This is so selfish.

A few weeks back I overheard a parent in the school yard going on about how their kid had been up puking all night but they didn't want to take a day off work, and their parent would not watch them as they didn't want to catch the bug. The plan seemed to be to put the kid in school anyway and just hope for the best. As it happened, poor kid puked all over in the yard right when the bell went so the parent had to take them home (though I was going to tell the teacher anyway tbh, as its not fair on the kid, the other kids or the teachers)

Why are people so selfish? if not giving a crap about the other kdis in the school, at least care about how bad your own child will be feeling and how embarrassing it will be for them to puke infront of all their friends just because their parent is a selfish arsehole.

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHoleThats disgraceful. The poor child The parents obviously don’t care about how children feel when they aren’t well.

I could never send my child to school whilst unwell unless it’s just the tail end of a cold etc otherwise she would never be in, don’t half feel guilty about it though.

Yes its just awful. I don't understand how people can treat their child like that, and have no regard at all for the health of other children, or their families, and the teachers who also need to work.

Obviously a sickness bug is different to the OP and the temperature, but the attitude is so common. I fell out with my sister last year as she was saying her child had been off with a sickness bug but has not been sick through the night so was going back the next day. Its just so silly. And if less parents were so selfish then there would probably be less bugs doing the rounds at schools. Its one thing taking your child in and then them becoming ill, its another thing entirely knowing they are ill and still sending them in anyway. Or sending them back before the 48 hour exclusion period as its just..easier for you that way. Niece actually ended up with another sickness bug a few weeks after that, and when my sister was moaning I actually said to her that it might have been her sending her daughter back before she was meant to, that brought it back around again. She didn't like that.

@Bargainqueen - this is a public internet forum, don't tell me what I can and can't do.

And your comment about immunocompromised children being an annoyance was just ridiculous; get a grip.

@DeltaG
@Bargainqueen is exactly right: you are coming across as if immuno-compromised children are annoyance.

Give the woman a break and get off your high horses, not everyone has support from family or the type of job they can just swan in and out of.
Don’t be so hard on yourself doll it’s only a cold xxCxx

Of course they aren't an annoyance. Everyone has a social responsibility to vaccinate themselves and their children to ensure herd immunity for dangerous childhood diseases. Everyone has a social responsibility not to infect themselves and others when clearly patently unwell.

However, the social responsibility ends there. Everyone does not need to keep their children away from nursery if they have a cold or slight fever, in order to avoid potentially infecting an immunocompromised child.

Sorry, if you can't bear to lose face at work when you have a sick child, you really have your priorities wrong.
I was a sickly child because of a low immune system, not my fault, but every time someone sent in their kid who was poorly, I would then get it and be ill again for weeks.
Its not fair, you know how horrible it is to have a raised temperature and feel like utter shite, and you are leaving your kid around a ton of others who will be loud and noisy and make them feel worse. Also, if another mum has done the same thing as you and taken in their poorly kid, your child who is already sick will pick up even more bugs and might find it harder to fight it off.
Having a raised temperature can cause fits and febrile convulsions, not all the time granted, but when my youngest two get temperatures they also fit, which is terrifying. Please, if you are in doubt, your kid comes first every time.

Carriecakes80 - a child who is otherwise healthy should not fit at 38 temp....a low grade fever. stop scaremongering......
febrile convulsions happen at high grade fevers in an attempt to bring the body temp down, not with a 38 cold, unless there is something underlying that needs attention.

For the love of god carrie it's not about losing face for some of us, but losing said job. I don't want my child to lose their home as a consequence. I don't consider that to be a misplaced priority thank you very much. There's no one out there going to pick up my mortgage for me if I can't pay it.

I will never break nursery rules, but I'm not keeping a child at home for a cold, no.

I always go with that Yes/No feeling in the belly. You know the right action to take. The head will always try to justify what you Want rather than what you should. We're used to the feelings of illness, it's all new to them.

I'm a teacher and can't tell you how many parents send their kids in when they should be at home, all because they need to go to work. I am at work, teaching your kid and when they vomit on me I catch the bug and have to be off sick and you complain about the substitute. If your child is up vomitting keep them home. If they have a chest infection keep them home. One year we had over 50% of the kids off and half the staff with the Norovirus because parents kept sending their kids in and they kept vomitting all over the carpet and tables that it spread like wild fire.
Sorry to rant but it drives me nuts. I'd like to add that I am a parent also so understand how hard it is but please if they should be home keep them home.

This. I’m a working parent (teacher) and have recently recovered from flu. I have now got a delightful sickness bug from school which has wiped out around 30% of my phase due to children being sent in ill and being sick in school. It spreads so quickly in our confined environment with children who aren’t always the best at remembering good hand hygiene.

No doubt having 2 periods of sickness so close together means I’ll be hauled over the coals by HR despite getting both from work.

Yet schools say ‘send your child in. If they are sick we will send them home’ then don’t. Then routinely fine parents who keep them off for repeatedly being sick.

Both parents get 6 weeks parental leave which is either paid or unpaid at the discretion of management. There's also holiday days you can take, or even saying to work DC is ill, DH has important meeting then I'll be in.

38 is a temperature, it always has been.

I understand it's incredibly difficult to make the choice between work vs unwell child (I'm lucky that I have grandparents to help out rather than not go to work) but on the flip side it's easy to see why people get annoyed by it.

My daughter has had the odd bug here and there but has been consistently ill since starting nursery in September which makes for a miserable existence for her and us. My eldest who has cerebral palsy and autism caught one of the many bugs from her sister and was absolutely ill. It was horrendous particularly the ear infection as she has a lot of sensory issues around noise and the thumping in her ears drove her almost mad. So yes I was cursing all the parents of the snotty nosed kids being dragged into nursery at that moment!

It's tough. I guess by nature we all have to be selfish and make the choices based on what is best for OUR situation

I'm not advocating said selfishness by the way. It absolutely annoys the shite out of me. But I can see it from working parents point of view - if I didn't have grandparents at hand I would never have been at work the past few months

Iamlucy said
I guess by nature we all have to be selfish and make the choices based on what is best for OUR situation

This.

People need to stop calling OP selfish. Everyone will try to protect their own interest. why do some people feel entitled for everyone to cater to their special needs, and if not then they are selfish? Isn't that the very definition of selfish to only think of themselves

It's so hard to judge this - so I think you're being unfairly lambasted here OP. My son had the most ridiculous high temperature with every cold he got the first few months of nursery. In his case, he was definitely not in a fit state to go for a day or two each time (fortnightly!) but he had nothing more than a cold: his little immune system was just too inexperienced not to overreact. So he wouldn't have been subjecting other children to anything nasty if he had been there.
Now he's 3 and still has a cold pretty much constantly all winter (rarely a temp these days) but he goes to nursery regardless unless he's not up to it, which is rare.
Our nursery has a policy that temperatures are OK as long as the child is OK in themselves and calpol brings it down. Very sensible in my view, and stops parents believing that it's unreasonable for other parents to bring children in with colds: if you believe this then you should find an alternative childcare solution that doesn't involve mixing with so many other children!! It's good for them: kids who have been to nursery take far fewer days off sick in the first years of school.
Also, to all those saying you shouldn't expose all the other kids to germs because of your work commitments, how many of you have genuinely never gone into work contagious yourself to save face / get something important done??

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole It’s awful. If kids stayed off while ill then less bugs will go around meaning less sick kids and less time off for parents. I do think of children who may be unwell with low immune systems etc which is why I keep mine off when ill. I guess I’m lucky I don’t work, although I don’t work because I’m a carer for our child.

YANBU. I've done it.

Sometimes you have to work.