To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

Agree with oblomov17
Going out at 11pm is hardly abandonment!! Can’t you wrap half the day before, then get kids to bed early and wrap the other half.
Also like the Christingle service idea, but really going to midnight mass means he’s around ALL of Christmas Eve with you and DCs.

YABVVVVU and incredibly selfish. For all the reasons given. Give yourself a good shake.

Haven't caught up with all replies to end of p2 yet, but what strikes me so far is the number of ppl who think I'm unreasonable to want to spend xmas eve doing family stuff with my husband, when he already is at church twice a week and wants to go on xmas day too. I can understand that it may be important in the Christian calendar, but does that mean he has to attend every event? I used to go with him but got shunted out when dc were born and he assumes its his right to go while i stay at home with the kids. The reason i found it boring last time is because he can concentrate on the event while im keeping kids quiet.
And I made a rod for my own back by saying santa delivers presents? Seriously??
We have a quite small, open plan house, with v limited space for hiding presents from inquisitive dc. Last yr the presents i wrapped ahead of time had rips in the paper covering the open parts of the toy boxes, if that makes sense, so i wanted to avoid that. The present thing can be solved. Its more the fact that i would like to spemd a nice xmassy family evening with dc and dh, rather than everything revolving around church services enjoyed by one member of the family. The kids will soon ne too old to enjoy the same 'xmas magic' - its not all about commercialism, to those sarcastic pp.

"I think YABU. Christmas is a Christian celebration about the birth of Jesus."
For many it isn't, but is about spending time with family and friends, and in fact hasn't there always been some kind of mid winter festival? (church goer here btw). So quite reasonable to prefer dh not to be out both times.

Particularly this year as Christmas is on a Monday - so he presumably will be going to church on Sunday morning as well? Two out of three services in 26 hours is pretty good!

OP, it sounds as if there are more issues with your marriage than just resentment that your DH wants to follow his faith at one of the most significant times of year for that faith.

You need to deal with all these issues directly with your DH. And don't just make it about Christmas and church, which is very unreasonable of you.

Talk to him. Explain all those points to him. See what he says.

But you can spend Christmas Eve with him/as a family surely? If he doesn’t leave till 11pm ish then you’ve got until then, then just go to bed.

Midnight mass and the Christmas Day service here are very different - midnight mass is reflective and more serious but Christmas Day is a big family affair, both with lots of children but also church family.

Butchy, why shouldn’t he enjoy that. He knows the true meaning and pays his respects.
If Christmas isn’t about Christ for you then why not celebrate it any other day of the year.

Wrap presents another night then put bows on while he’s at mass?

Love it. Another one where OP asks AIBU, everyone says yes absolutely you are, OP on this particular occasion. OP still doesn’t agree and gives again all the same reasons.

I think that for future years being a bit more flexible with your Christmas routine might help (bows on Santa presents sounds way over the top!)

However, if he’s going Christmas Day, I don’t think you would be unreasonable to ask him as a one off to not go. And I say that as a Christian. I love midnight mass, it’s by far the most beautiful of the year. I think once your DC are older you should all give it a go again. if nothing else it’s an opportunity for reflection/meditation.

YABVU sorry but he has also has an obligation to the church and it's not hours on end you have plenty of time to spend with him.

I can understand that it may be important in the Christian calendar, but does that mean he has to attend every event?

I don't think it's unreasonable to attend the major events in the Christian calendar, no. It's not as if he attends mass every single day (I know some who do). And Sunday observance is hardly unusual.

You're lucky he didn't convert to Islam and start observing Ramadan and praying 5 times a day or Judaism with its Shabbat if you feel abandoned by him shuffling off to midnight mass on Christmas Eve.

Do you get the same time to pursue your own interests, OP? You should.

Do you manage to hide them before they are wrapped?

YABU. FFS. Midnight mass is special, even if you are at church every Sunday. The liturgy is beautiful. If pitching in with wrapping presents is important to you, then designate an evening in the previous few days when he sits down and does some after the dc are in bed. And as for a 'nice Christmassy family evening' - surely the dc are in bed by 11pm? So haven't you actually had your evening then? (And some might argue that a really 'Christmassy' family evening involves, well, church... ).

Don't you have an interest, hobby or other 'thing' he facilitates? (If you don't, maybe time to get one). Or you will in the future, and when you need his goodwill he will remember your churlishness now.

Particularly this year as Christmas is on a Monday - so he presumably will be going to church on Sunday morning as well? Two out of three services in 26 hours is pretty good!
That's not the point.

For Christians, Christmas is about celebrating Jesus.
She can't start keeping points on 'but you went to church on Sunday too'.

Just be more organised with present wrapping.

wrap the presents earlier. add the bows and fancy bits on Christmas eve.

also he should be pulling his weight beforehand so that you do not lose out by his going to church.

Is he giving up church on Christmas day as you are visiting your family?

Butchy, why shouldn’t he enjoy that. He knows the true meaning and pays his respects.
If Christmas isn’t about Christ for you then why not celebrate it any other day of the year.

Enjoy what? What are you talking about?

Have you read the thread? I'm a godless heathen who supports his right to attend both midnight mass and Christmas Day mass if he chooses.

But arguing that he shouldn't have to get involved in the "material" aspect of gift buying/wrapping and so on is absurd if he is willing to join in the festivities and expects to receive gifts and partake of the Christmas dinner.

Not boasting but dh has already done our wrapping! Can't you just so it earlier than Christmas eve? My dad used to go to midnight mass and none of us knew when he left or got back as we were all sleeping, including my dm. Must say I think you abu.

If your presents were damaged on previous years because you wrapped and stashed then the problem is shit quality wrapping paper. Forget the bows and spend the money on better quality, thicker paper, problem solved.
Your welcome.

I don't think op is being unreasonable - it can be difficult when people want different things from Christmas.

op, what about the suggestion of wrapping earlier and hiding in your bedroom?

I think you are focussing all your resentment about quite a few things your husband is doing/ not doing on this one thing. A sort of straw that broke the camel's back thing.

I don't think you will get many people to agree he's being unreasonable to go out at 11pm for midnight mass. And the present wrapping thing is a red herring - there are other solutions to this if you want to find them.

I would look to ask him to change other things (related to pulling his weight at home and esp with the children) to make you feel less resentful. If you only focus on this one evening and make it about him going to church once while children are asleep and once on Christmas Day it's never going to be resolved tbh.

I'm an atheist but I think you are BU.

In any relationship, you should be able to have your own interests and do things separate from your OH. I've been with DH 33 years and have always respected each other's right to do things separately - if we so wish, it would be suffocating otherwise. He is entitled to his life and this is important to him, you can spare that hour, surely?

Butchy I was replying to you saying he will be partaking in receiving gifts etc. I didn’t say that was a problem.

I have read the thread and given my opinion, which you disagree with which is grand!

I think it boils down to a lack of understanding into the commitment that goes with being a Christian. You can’t pick and chose which important dates you want to partake in. You have an obligation. That’s why these dates are called holidays of obligation. (I’m catholic and that’s what they are called in my faith)

YABVU to ask a Christian to skip midnight mass at Christmas. It's late at night, the children can stay asleep as opposed to go, and you can wrap any night really. I truly think you're being selfish.