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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

613 replies

Jellybellyqueen · 23/11/2017 05:11

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 23/11/2017 06:24

Schadenfraude
I wonder how anyone finds time to go to church over Christmas when there are gifts to be sorted.

And i wonder how people find time to sort gifts when there is a religious service to offer worship in!
Looks like I need to point out the sarcasm in my post to you. 'Present Wrapping Day' and 'Present Opening Day' were the clues.

The irony of this thread is that if there wasn't a religious celebration at this time of year, the OP wouldn't be wrapping presents in the first place.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/11/2017 06:28

I actually think that you arent being unreasonable. Why can he not share Christmas eve with you for once? Its not that big an ask. Its not like he can't go the next day!!! As a child growing up my family were religious and rarely went to midnight mass. We always went to mass on Christmas day though.

Lweji · 23/11/2017 06:31

Midnight Mass and Christmas Day Mass are the same service, because on the same day.
He really just needs one.

It's as if he went to a football match and then went out to the pub to watch the rerun of the game on TV.

He should go to Mass if he's a believer, but twice for the same thing is totally unnecessary, particularly as he has a family.

speakout · 23/11/2017 06:34

You are crazy to wrap gifts on Christmas eve. If you had room to store them unwrapped you will have the same place to store them wrapped.
Primary aged children won't give a rat's arse if there are bows on them or not.
Your OH won't be going out until 11pm- so you will be spending christmas eve as a family together anyway.
Go to bed when he goes out, presumably you will have an early start on christmas day, and if he chooses to have a later night and feel tired the next morning then that's up to him.

I'm not a christian but YABU. OP>

notangelinajolie · 23/11/2017 06:35

Find a way of getting the presents all wrapped early and go to bed early. Wrapping presents on your own on Christmas Eve is a fairly thankless task I know I end up doing it every blinkin year Or you could do what I do have wine at the same time Wine hic
Let him have his midnight mass .

neveradullmoment99 · 23/11/2017 06:35

Midnight Mass and Christmas Day Mass are the same service, because on the same day
He really just needs one.

Totally agree. Only the one is necessary. As a child we only ever went to the Christmas day service and rarely the midnight mass. If we went to one, we never went to the other. You are not being unreasonable to ask him to share Christmas eve with you for once and go to the mass the next day.

Tweetypie30 · 23/11/2017 06:36

I think YABU. Christmas is a Christian celebration about the birth of Jesus. If you or your children don't want to celebrate that's fine but I think it unfair to ask your husband not to go. I think you need to find a way to wrap the presents together another night and find somewhere to store them if space is an issue. Could a neighbour help? Get him involved earlier with the rest of the preparations and then perhaps you won't feel so resentful if you are left on your own to do the wrapping.

ButchyRestingFace · 23/11/2017 06:37

He should go to Mass if he's a believer, but twice for the same thing is totally unnecessary, particularly as he has a family.

As a child my friend's family went every day when able. Obviously well above and beyond the call of duty but perhaps, like them, OP's husband feels he gets some spiritual benefit from attending the mass on both days? I don't know what church it is but he may be receiving the sacrament on both occasions in some churches.

It's only once a year and I'm tended to think he should be humoured by wanting to attend both midnight mass and Christmas Day mass.

I'd crack the whip over his lazyitis though.

RemainOptimistic · 23/11/2017 06:37

I'm struggling to believe you are prioritising consumerism. Or that you genuinely are unable to wrap presents any earlier.

Is it that you want the present wrapping on Xmas Eve to be your family tradition?

There must be more to this.

I think it's a real shame that with DH active in the church you're not also feeling welcomed there.

Lweji · 23/11/2017 06:38

OP's husband feels he gets some spiritual benefit from attending the mass on both days?

It's not both days. It's the same day, actually.

speakout · 23/11/2017 06:39

I dont think its unreasonable to want some company on xmas eve (and share some of the work)

But you have his company- up to 11pm.

It's you who chooses this work on christmas eve, it could easily be done days or weeks before hand.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/11/2017 06:40

Maybe she wants to spend Xmas eve with her dh and its not soley about wrapping presents. I like Xmas eve for that reason. We can spend a bit of time alone before the madness sets in the next day!!!!

speakout · 23/11/2017 06:41

I think it's a real shame that with DH active in the church you're not also feeling welcomed there.
Book

Maybe the OP doesn't want to go.

JonSnowsWife · 23/11/2017 06:42

I dont think its unreasonable to want some company on xmas eve (and share some of the work) once in ten years. Did you miss that he wants to go on xmas day as well?

As a child who spent most of their childhood inside a church or some meeting or another YNBU. But despite the fact it's originally pagan anyway it's a big celebration for christians and i think you need to compromise here.

Presumably he's with you for the rest of the day so an hour out when the DCs are asleep isn't him asking too much, from my experience the Christmas day ones are relatively short too (my DM is a devout christian - has been for years and we were there every Sunday morning and evening etc during our childhood years - ExDH is Catholic and he always went to mass when we was together and still goes now.

Let him go.

If he wants to take the DCs then he takes them. I can't think of anything worse than trying to make my DS sit still through mass (ASD&ADHD) so I choose not to take him. ExDH is more than welcome to take them when he has them though. Which isn't often ironically.

OhOurBilly · 23/11/2017 06:42

The irony of this thread is that if there wasn't a religious celebration at this time of year, the OP wouldn't be wrapping presents in the first place

This, YABU. Wrap earlier, keep the bows off and then add them on Christmas Eve while he's off out at midnight mass? Presumably you still have to keep the presents in the house and hidden away so that the children don't spot them so then being wrapped without them bows or finishing touches can be done later.

Lweji · 23/11/2017 06:42

In summary:

OP - wants to wrap presents on Christmas Eve - unreasonable, as presents can be wrapped another day.

DH - wants to go to Mass twice on Christmas day - unreasonable, family is also important

A compromise can easily be reached here by both.

Personally, I'd wrap earlier and ask him to only go to Midnight Mass and spend the day as a family.

speakout · 23/11/2017 06:43

tweety * Christmas is a Christian celebration about the birth of Jesus.
*

To some people. For most of us it is a secular cultural celebration, with many historical aspects from many sources thrown in.

ButchyRestingFace · 23/11/2017 06:43

It's not both days. It's the same day, actually.

Okay, rephrase, maybe he feels he gets spiritual benefit by attending mass twice within 24 hours? Smile

beepbeeprichie · 23/11/2017 06:45

YADNBU to ask him to only go once- either the midnight show or the one on the big day. Why does he want to go to both?

Somersetter · 23/11/2017 06:46

You both need to compromise!

You: wrap all the presents before Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Eve relaxing.

Him: Choose between Midnight Mass and Christmas Day mass and only go to one of them. The only person I know who goes to both is the priest! Being a good Christian is also about spending time with your wife and children.

So YABU! And also your DH IBU Grin

newmumwithquestions · 23/11/2017 06:46

Yabu to expect him not to go to mass on Christmas Eve.

Yanbu to:
1: Tell him to pick either Christmas Day or Christmas eve service, not both
2: be pissed off at the amount of time that he spends at church/church group through the year if that is affecting family life
3: insist on a quid pro quo on you getting the same amount of time to do something to match his time during the week
4: expect him to take a more active role in family life such as present buying etc

3 and 4 are easier said than done though!

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 23/11/2017 06:46

Amused by all the above. I sing in a church choir, bur our youngest son (too young to drive) is now organist at a different church. So midnight mass followed by Christmas morning services in two different places at the same time. Christmas is always a logistical nightmare (busiest time of year for church musicians) but we get on with it, presents get wrapped and Christmas dinner gets cooked.
OP - Your partner could always wrap presents when he gets back from midnight mass?

VioletHaze · 23/11/2017 06:47

YABU to complain about a Christian doing Christian things on the major religious festival. You could easily wrap presents on 23rd - they have to be hidden, wrapped or not. And I think it is a bit cheeky to demand all the gifts and that that go with Xmas while actively objecting to its original meaning.

Lweji · 23/11/2017 06:48

maybe he feels he gets spiritual benefit by attending mass twice within 24 hours?

It's not the time frame. It's the same service. The day mass is for those who couldn't attend at midnight.

He should ask himself if he really gets spiritual benefit or if it works as a cop out from his family.

shhhfastasleep · 23/11/2017 06:48

It’s a Christian festival. He is a Christian. He can wrap presents before.
I’m a Catholic (bad one). Midnight Mass is what you go to instead of Mass on Christmas Day. Usually everyone is a bit tipsy and it is quick.
Mass on Christmas Day is also relatively quick and he should be allowed to go without any issue from you.