Why aren't parents more honest about baby days?

[ZombieVampireHedgehog]

I responded to a thread of a Mum struggling, I wondered why there's this, oh best pretend I'm Super Mum. Wouldn't we help more parents if we were honest that at times it's hard work. Some really struggled through baby days and didn't really enjoy it.

I don't think it makes us bad admitting our most trying parenting moments. Or the fact having a baby latched to your boobs 22/24 hours of the day is tiring. BF is hard work, as I guess cloth nappies must be.

We won't be sent to the guillotine. We could actually help.

I know super Mums exist, I thrived more as a parent when they were older. Where these super Mums on SM are mostly about youngest DC, the older ones pretty much do their own thing.

From tummy time to those daft black and white books, meant to turn your DC into Einstein. So many fads. Ooh organic jars and now it's baby led weaning. I admit I did the Annabelle C recipes which DC hated. It's all about textures

@DryCleanOnly7 I was induced, drip, forceps, epidural, episiotomy, piles, insomnia and yes, baby had colic which turned out to be multiple allergies. So yes, was lucky from a circumstantial point of view, but not necessarily otherwise. For balance.

Gosh LittleKiwi. Hats off to you then. You are made of stronger stuff than me then. I was overwhelmed for ages and mentally went haywire for the first 6 months. I wish I could have been well enough and not anxious to have favoured the time when my son was tiny.

I don't understand how the behaviour of a baby can come across as the parent being smug, unless they are deliberately goading.

I'm one of those who enjoyed every second of babyhood. There were no lows or issues. She fed, slept and behaved perfectly. She had no toddler tantrums, she is now 9 and I've had no problems whatsoever and I have never, ever struggled with any aspect of her childhood so far. Everyone says she's always been the perfect child.

That doesn't make me smug. That makes me thing fucking hell, what a lucky bastard I've been for the past 9 years and I wonder what the hell happened when I was such a brat as a child!

Of course the hormones haven't kicked in yet and I'm guaranteed to have the worst teenager ever

But some parents don't need to lie about how perfect their children are, because sometimes they just are.

Valerrie I have a dd like yours too. She is almost 25 and has never ever been difficult,the teens were a breeze after everyone told me that she could never continue to be so good. I take no credit for it, it's just who she is. We do all speak in hushed tones about "the day dd stamped her foot" because that was the only occasion of dissent when she was about five though

Because some parents don't think its about what the child is like, they think its something they do or that other parents don't do. If I had a pound for every time I've heard/read parents of good sleepers talk about their great routine!

@OuchBollocks Spot on, you've hit the nail on the head there.

My DD was a terrible sleeper until she hit 9/10 months. Only napped on me, if at all, had to be cuddled to sleep etc. I had all the 'rod for your own back' comments and 'helpful' advice about how what I was doing was wrong.

Until one day I tried to cuddle her to sleep like normal and she kicked off. I put her down in her cot, she rolled over and went to sleep. Like 'get lost mum, I can do this by myself now'. She's gone to sleep for every nap (excluding the odd illness/teething day) and bedtime happy and awake in her cot ever since. She's nearly 20 months now. We do have a routine of sorts at night - we always have stories after she's in her sleeping bag for example- but it's not strict and we don't for naps at all.

It's not my superior parenting that means I now have a great sleeper. She did that, not me! My cousin has asked me for tips a few times because her DD (3 months older) can take ages to settle, screams for her in bed and honestly I haven't been able to help. All I can say is, I put DD in bed and she goes to sleep.

It's swigs and roundabouts though. I get a full 12 hours every night out of my DD plus 1-2 naps. My cousin is still having troubles getting her DD down and gets woken a few times a night usually. However my DD is a total pest to feed, she's really fussy and it drives me mad. My cousin's DD eats whatever you put in front of her really nicely.

We all have our challenges!

@OuchBollocks I think it's both. Nature and nurture. I mean you can have the best sleeper in the world but if you don't have a good sleep routine they won't sleep. Same the other way round, a baby who isn't naturally a good sleeper can be helped by a good routine.

As much as I think people shouldn't judge other parents, I also think it's ok for a parent to believe they've done a good job if they have. It's not all down to luck. That's the other extreme of the same coin. In reality it's both.

@fleshmarketclose

That gives me some hope for the teenage years! As long as she's not as bad as I was, I'll be happy.

I also think it's ok for a parent to believe they've done a good job if they have.

Yes, but thinking they've done a better job than someone else is dangerous territory. One of my children routinely misbehaved in public, screamed, banged her head into walls, her clothes always looked messy, and so on. People judged me all the time, gave me nasty looks, the works. She has autism, but you can't tell from looking that she has special needs. She just looked like she was being poorly brought up.

My other child is a star student, friendly, beautiful, lovely disposition. I get lots of credit for being such a good mother when they truth is she could have been raised by wild monkeys and turned out just fine. It's just how she came out of the womb. She got less time and attention, dragged around to her sister's appointments, etc. Yet she is lovely and brilliant.

I think that most parents with easy children seriously overestimate how much of an impact they are having.

I met a lady at baby group who used to say how well her baby slept but I found out a few weeks later that he didn't at all. I really didn't understand why she did it as another lady and me were saying how terrible ours were sleeping - up 5 or 6 times per night - and we were really struggling. I could understand if we were saying how well ours were sleeping and she felt like she was doing something wrong but we weren't at all. Another lady in the group was saying how well using the 'cry it out' method was working for her DS but it turns out that wasn't true either! Perhaps I'm just too open and willing to blurt out the bad stuff.

People are very different with what they can cope with too. There's a mum at one group I go to with three under three. Including twins. She always looks immaculate, make up on, all the kids in coordinating outfits, always smiley and happy. She told me she loves the chaos and having all of them because she's 'never lonely' as there's always at least one child there. I was desperately struggling with one easy toddler and desperate to get some time on my own!

But she's also about fifteen years younger than me and has a lot of family support - her Mum regularly appeared at the group to give her a hand.

Massively depends on the child.

My DD's were easy going, good sleepers and genuinely happy baby's.

DS arrived twelve weeks early and we both needed resuscitating he's on oxygen (although we've started weaning it down) I think this is partly why he hates been messed on with.

His face is a mess off him trying to pull his cannula out, hates his nappy changed, clothes changed, lying down, his bouncer, his cot, his car seat. Bathing him is a two person job as he will fling himself off his seat and try to drown himself.

I average three hours sleep as he likes trying to choke himself on his wires when he's not pulling them out his nose.

I love him to bits even this morning when he wee'd in my actual eye but I'm fucked. My baby days are over.

I think the relentless insistence that having babies is awful and you are lying if you say otherwise is a bit alienating for mums who don’t have that experience.

I had four years of infertility and losses prior to DS, a very difficult high risk pregnancy that nearly killed him, and then he was premature and needed supplemental feeding for the first couple of weeks. I had postnatal anxiety (mostly intrusive thoughts about him dying in unlikely and unpreventable ways like lorries mounting the pavement and flattening the pram). He had a severe tongue tie which then recurred and needed re-snipping.

I found the constant “oh I hate having a newborn” “yeah me too this is the worst thing ever” at baby groups really off-putting. I desperately loved DS, used to gaze at him for hours at home unable to believe my luck in having him, and would have put up with anything to keep him healthy and safe. I was quite prepared to BF him for hours (while we were waiting for the tongue tie to be sorted), happily set the alarm for the overnight feeds while he needed them, and was generally so grateful to have him that every minute felt special and precious. He is a bit of a velcro baby, but then I’m a bit of a velcro Mum so maybe I’ve trained him into that?

I didn’t really meet any other mothers who understood - only DH. I’m sure people did think I was smug, and I don’t really have any particular Mum friends as a result - I go to baby groups and the other mums moan about how hard everything is, I don’t have much to say to that, and so we never really click. I don’t judge people who don’t enjoy motherhood or think they are doing it wrong, but I do feel that they are missing out. My anxiety settled down after the first few months, but I still think he is amazing and adore every little hair on his cute sweet little head, and that probably does come across .

Other infertile friends do seem to get it, I assume other mothers of premmies would too but haven’t met any since leaving hospital.

@DryCleanOnly7 I doubt it - I suspect the hormones just worked for me? I think I could have been hit by a truck and I would have rolled over and smiled with happiness.

I think it also depends on whether you have a supportive partner and family. These can make a massive difference.

I found it so so difficult but we found out later that she had an undiagnosed cow’s milk allergy. We got that sorted and our world turned into a better one overnight.

Orchid2017 - I 100% agree.

I found the baby stage easy and enjoyable. Especially first baby I floated around in a little bubble of contentment. I know others find it really hard but I can’t say my experience was really difficult because it wasn’t. Ds1’s first year was the happiest year of my life.

All gone to pot since then and have had some really difficult parenting times - and am certainly no perfect parent.

I think we should tell parents it’s okay to feel whatever they feel. A lot of the difficulties about having a baby (& children) come from expectations (your own and others). I’ve never expected to be the perfect mum so was never hard on myself if I felt grotty and tired and the housework didn’t get done while I sat on the sofa with a grizzly baby. Other people would struggle with that. On the other hand I will beat myself up if I feel like I am not spending enough time with the kids (who are teens now so don’t necessarily want me to spend time with them).

I think recognising that being a good enough parent is okay can go a long way towards making parenting less stressful.

I remember when I had newborn ds3 meeting a Mum with her first who carefully explained that her and her partner had decided they would never allow their baby to cry. As soon as he/she was distressed they would do whatever was needed to stop the crying. (She left ds3 howling while I was making her a cup of tea though ). That to me is unnecessary, unrealistic and rigid goals that at some stage you are either going to have to get more realistic about (especially if you have a second child) or you are going to struggle emotionally.

I agree, but for some reason parents can be so competitive! Whether it to my baby is heavier/ bigger/ longer than yours or my baby sleeps through vs my baby never sleeps. I think you have to read between the lines to find the honest and realistic stories. Same with birth stories, the ones who popped them out whilst filing their nails who want a pat on the back as they "only needed a tad of gas and air" or the absolute hideous tales of week long labours! Every experience s unique and you don't know what you'll be dealt until you get there. The one thing that I wish I knew before was how fucking awful I'd feel after the birth. The books (and people) only focus on the baby. I was not prepared for the car crash that was my nether regions, the terrible pain and how miserable I'd feel. Personally, I have one child who I totally adore, but never again!!

I hated pregnancy. Loathed every minute of it. I remember with my third my Mum saying ‘hmm you’re really not very good when pregnant are you?’. That may be why I loved the newborn stages (even after Long Labour and c-sections) - wasn’t bloody pregnant anymore. My friend visited me when ds3 was less than a day old. I had a c section after trial of labour. Was sweaty, with expanding socks on, hadn’t yet stood up, was in a hospital gown and she said ‘oh you look SO much better than you did last week’

I don’t think my experience of pregnancy is any more or less valid than those who blossom and bloom and sail through theirs though.

I enjoyed the actual baby part, and if it was just this would love more. But when you have older children you can't just sit on the sofa feeding and cuddling. Which made the baby part of dc2 & 3 hard. I actually find 1-2 hardest. The first 6 months were predictable (lack of sleep etc) and could be accounted for and planned. But all bets are off when mine get to 1.

I also bloody loved pregnancy and would be pregnant forever if i could. I have to keep reminding myself that you then get a 1 year old 20 months down the line.

My first 2 births were horror stories tho. Everyone is so different. Every experience is valid and can't be compared.

My 3 DCs were terrible sleepers (waking up at least once an hour, day and night, for the first 6 months). They had to be in my arms all the time. Yet I can honestly say I loved the newborn stage. It never bothered me when other parents told me about their baby who slept through the night after 4 weeks, or when I saw other newborns lying contentedly in their cots.

Devilishpyjamas why is it so unreasonable not to let your child cry? Crying raised cortisol levels which can have several nasty effects on children over time. What's wrong with wanting to limit that?

(Absolutely NOT telling people they should't leave their baby to cry before I get jumped on. Do whatever is best for you and let others do likewise)

Peapod there is a difference between not leaving your child to cry it out and never allowing your child to cry ever. They were in the second camp of ‘our child will never cry’ - as soon as they cry we will pick them up and immediately comfort them - which is unrealistic and puts a lot of pressure on parents (and indirectly the baby). Babies do cry and sometimes you can’t comfort them. It doesn’t make you a failure. Nor does the world fall apart if you can’t get to them within so many cries (they had to get to the baby within so many seconds of them starting crying - tbh I just felt I was looking at a breakdown about to happen - way too much pressure and unrealistic expectations).

Also completely unrealistic once you have more than one child.

I worked with top of the tree women with extremely demanding top City jobs. Having babies nearly broke them. One admitted she nearly called ss about herself the others hired top nannies and went back to work. It can be hard if you have a screaming non sleeper.