Why aren't parents more honest about baby days?

[ZombieVampireHedgehog]

I responded to a thread of a Mum struggling, I wondered why there's this, oh best pretend I'm Super Mum. Wouldn't we help more parents if we were honest that at times it's hard work. Some really struggled through baby days and didn't really enjoy it.

I don't think it makes us bad admitting our most trying parenting moments. Or the fact having a baby latched to your boobs 22/24 hours of the day is tiring. BF is hard work, as I guess cloth nappies must be.

We won't be sent to the guillotine. We could actually help.

I know super Mums exist, I thrived more as a parent when they were older. Where these super Mums on SM are mostly about youngest DC, the older ones pretty much do their own thing.

From tummy time to those daft black and white books, meant to turn your DC into Einstein. So many fads. Ooh organic jars and now it's baby led weaning. I admit I did the Annabelle C recipes which DC hated. It's all about textures

I adore having a newborn. I don't find it hard. Maybe I have been lucky and had easy babies. They have been a joy, an utter joy as newborns. I have breastfed, been up every hour or so in the night but embraced and enjoyed it. Heaps of washing and changing, yes, lots of evenings in spent rocking them to sleep, endless days lost in a blur of nappies and naps and feeds. I don't mind it one bit.

I feel I have to lie about that. I never feel I can say that I loved the newborn stage (crave it still) because the general consensus it that's it's awful and everyone must hate it.

I hated that stage Alma. There was nothing joyous about cluster feeding every evening, and having a baby who wouldn't go to sleep until the early hours of the morning. You clearly had easy babies.

I came to understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

You do come across as a little smug about it.

Well of course it sounds smug! That's why I don't say it out loud, in real life. Ok to put here anonymously though surely?

I guess not.

All i heard when i was pregnant was horror stories and people being "honest" so much so i dreaded the newborn stage. It hasn't been like that at all. By the way, if you don't want to cluster feed for 22 hours of the day, don't do it. Nobody's making you do it. Formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

I think if you're in a clique with one or two of those competitive mothers it can turn the rest of the group into similar drones because they bring out the worst in others. Other Mothers don't do the competing so seem to attract others who can admit that their own DCs aren't little rays of perfection.

The very best Mothers and Fathers I know are the ones who come for supper with their DC, pour a huge glass of wine and say "fuck me this week's been such a bastard". I've no energy for smug or braggy parents who think their DC's sleep habits are anything other than pot luck; we have one who sleeps and one who doesn't. Raised in the same way by the same families, one is just an evil dictator from hell sent to destroy us.

I'm another one to say I found it difficult. My two oldest are 10 months apart so I was pregnant for near enough 18 months back to back. My oldest was an easy going baby, rarely cried and was just a delight in every way, the middle one cried solidly for 8 months straight, hardly slept and brought on terrible episodes of post natal depression for me. My youngest is now a toddler but was still a good little baby even though out of all three my oldest was by far the easiest to deal with. If I would have had my middle child first I can honestly say he would have been an only child and I would have got sterilised. I hated all my pregnancy's, hate the 0-3 stage and never will have any more children again. It's bloody hard but yeah it does get easier and more enjoyable.
Every baby is different you just go with what you are given.
Do not miss those days. Shuddering at the thought!!!!

Not thread through the whole thread yet but my experience was so different to how I’d imagined.

It wasn’t so much the advice from others but the silly books and magazines I’d read while I was pregnant. All illustrating glorious Mums and beautiful babies, all perfect and smiling!

If I’d been on the front of one of these magazines I would have looked frazzled, teary, a mess suffering with PND and Ds would be covered in sick not really enjoying his early weeks on this planet.
I had a baby who had awful reflux and colic. I was made to feel like I wasn’t feeding him properly and until his reflux was diagnosed, by a consultant at the hospital, I thought the same. He wasn’t gaining the beautiful weight other babies around me were as he was being sick a lot. Once gaviscon was prescribed almost 3 months later, our lives began to improve.

If I’d gone on to have a second child I would have been so much more prepared.

Those early weeks still make me feel really sad.

I think different parents have different experiences tbh,I found the newborn days a breeze and pretty boring if I'm honest. It was shovelling milk in one end and cleaning it up the other so not rocket science. It helped enormously that all mine only ever woke once in the night and slept through from six weeks though..........the terrible twos though were a nightmare!

Different people have different experiences and find different things challenging. I find toddlers easier than babies, it's just the way I am, but I lost count of the number of people who, when I hinted that I found looking after a baby quite difficult, said "Just wait until he hits the terrible twos". That's not very helpful. Equally, some people seem to have short memories. I can think of one friend in particular who had a baby at the same time as me. We would regularly meet up and commiserate over coffee about how little sleep we were getting and she was despairing that she was struggling with it- ask her now and she'll tell you the baby slept through from 6 weeks and was a breeze.

So yeah, I don't doubt that there are plenty of people who enjoy the baby stage regardless of the challenges or who have "easy" babies and if someone told me that was their experience I would never challenge it. But I wish I'd realised when I had my first that those reports weren't always the whole truth and that there are plenty of people who felt like I did.

I swear there is some weird process that makes you forget the bad bits and look back on it as a golden time. It must be evolutionary because when you are in the throes of it you think why would anyone do this but afterwards you just remember the cuddles, the first smile, the baby lying on your chest and a lot of undrunk cups of tea.

Oo, fleshmarket just read your post after I'd written mine and realise it looks like I'm responding to you, I wasn't, we just weirdly used a couple of the same phrases!

I loved my daughter before she wa born. She’s 13 and I love her now. The newborn baby phase was awful.

The thing is Alma, I now completely understand that you just enjoy that stuff and I just don't. Neither of us are wrong, just like I enjoy running up hills and plenty of people look at me like I'm an idiot. It's just people enjoying different things. But when I'd just had my first baby I found it really hard that I didn't enjoy it and I thought there was something wrong with me. I really wanted to be like you, and I thought that was the way I would be, but it wasn't until I actually had a baby that I realised it wouldn't be like that for me. There was quite a gap between my expectation of how I would find motherhood and my actual experience of it and I found that difficult. Not least the realisation that I probably wouldn't have a big family as I'd always imagined because I just could not keep doing that over and over. I had a second one quickly so that I could get it over with and because I knew that if I left it I might never want to go back....

We have the stereotypical ‘difficult baby, easy toddler’ in DS. His sister is due soon and only time will tell how it will go for us all this time around. We all have different experiences, there’s no right or wrong surely, I’ve certainly never pretended to find any of it easy. Even a pretty easy going toddler is hard work, he’s a ball of energy and I’m er, not!

I have 3dds. Newborn dd1 was awful. I loved her, thank goodness, because had it not been for the bond I could understand why people leave babies at church doors. She had colic and reflux and basically screamed with very occasional sleep. At 3 months she finally slept for 3 solid hours in a row and that was the first time. She was a fab, easy toddler though and at 9 she's now so so wonderful but her first 6 months were far from fun.

Dh and I decided to have baby no 2 in the basis that we can survive the start then it'll get better. We had twins (God has a sense of humour it seems!). However, despite being constantly demanding (a toddler and 2 newborn) the twins slept. It made all the difference and I loved their baby bit and people were confused how I was looking so well - dd1 would happily sit and read at 3 and dtds were the most content little girls ever. Toddler years with dtd was another story. Ignored me, tantrumed, would bite each other, bite me etc. Primary age is fab for me. I'm currently lounging in bed drinking tea while dc play downstairs. Bliss.

I do wonder if a lot of people don't speak out about the struggles they're having because of the annoying unsolicited advice this seems to invite.

I also am not ashamed to admit that I found the first few weeks horrendous.

Currently pregnant with number 2 and can’t wait to be at the 4-6 month stage and he’s not even here yet

My DD slept through from 8 weeks and I still found it difficult, it was boring and I just wasn’t enjoying it. Once I could do more with her and she could engage better I found it a lot easier. Have loved every other stage, apart from the newborn

My DS was a difficult baby, colic poor sleeper and eater. I think back especially to those first 6 months and shudder. DD was better but I hated the cluster feeding and put her on formula after 4 weeks as I had DS as a toddler to look after.

I normally find people are quite honest about parenting if you are open and sharing about your experiences. I remember at baby group talking about having depression in both my pregnancies and coping with my 1st. A few mums with similar feelings thanked me for discussing it, as they found it a difficult subject to talk to HV's or family about

Not everyone that doesn’t struggle is lying. I always found motherhood quite easy,especially the early days.
I think people should have a realistic expectation about the early days,that’s all.

Not everyone that’s not struggling is lying. I found motherhood quite easy especially the early days. People just need to have a realistic expectation that’s all.

I found the newborn bit easy, I love babies though.
I found 1-2 yrs the hardest, started walking into everything need eyes In the back of your head. They cry over everything . One minute they love something the next they don't. Clingy, can't leave the room without being followed! Tantrum, throwing themselves on the floor. Toilet training!!!

No one tells you about this stage!

I do wonder if a lot of people don't speak out about the struggles they're having because of the annoying unsolicited advice this seems to invite.

Yep. This. And people are so judgy about it - ooh, why is she moaning about having no sleep if she takes the baby into her bed?! Fuck off. I mean you can have a moan and still not necessarily want to change something.

My ds was easy (jaundiced zzz) for the first few months. Nightmarish for the next few. Happy until four, possessed by the devil until 5. Gorgeous ever since and is now having a horrible time in first year at secondary. I just don't think being smug and judgemental helps anyone. Who knows what is coming at the next developmental stage!?

@TheBakeryQueen totally, totally right - I had such a wonderful time at least in part because we had plenty of money (cleaner and all food delivered), my parents were nearby (company and occasional babysitting) and DP and I got on really well. Plus baby was easy. It was brilliant all round.