Why aren't parents more honest about baby days?

[ZombieVampireHedgehog]

I responded to a thread of a Mum struggling, I wondered why there's this, oh best pretend I'm Super Mum. Wouldn't we help more parents if we were honest that at times it's hard work. Some really struggled through baby days and didn't really enjoy it.

I don't think it makes us bad admitting our most trying parenting moments. Or the fact having a baby latched to your boobs 22/24 hours of the day is tiring. BF is hard work, as I guess cloth nappies must be.

We won't be sent to the guillotine. We could actually help.

I know super Mums exist, I thrived more as a parent when they were older. Where these super Mums on SM are mostly about youngest DC, the older ones pretty much do their own thing.

From tummy time to those daft black and white books, meant to turn your DC into Einstein. So many fads. Ooh organic jars and now it's baby led weaning. I admit I did the Annabelle C recipes which DC hated. It's all about textures

I think reading Mumsnet makes having a baby seem awful! To be honest even reading things that my friends and family have put on social media sometimes makes it seem not really worth it.

I honestly don't think the online world makes childrearing look like fun at all - especially not Mumsnet!

I agree Leontine After harsh baby anecdotes from my friends and family when I was pregnant, I fully expected to be a non sleeping zombie covered in baby sick and unable to find a minute to wash or dress.

The reality of a newborn was quite a relief so there was some advantage to being prepared for the worst I suppose.

To be honest, this I wondered why there's this, oh best pretend I'm Super Mum. Wouldn't we help more parents if we were honest that at times it's hard work is like the 97 million parent blogs claiming to be the 'one that tells how it really is with young kids.'

I usually read/see/hear the 'honest' account of the fact that it's often tough. I know the Alpha parent stuff is out there and easy to find, but I honestly find that the 'untold' 'I'm NOT a supermum, it's all sore nipples and sleepless nights round ours' type blogs/stuff saturates forums etc. at the moment.

I had a really easy baby and was prepared (I thought) for no sleep, constant feeding etc etc. But I loathed it. I hated having a newborn. I hated breastfeeding, particularly as it wasn’t the blissful experience it was made out to be. My year on maternity leave was thoroughly miserable. A year further on with an almost two year old, I am so much happier - toddler is so much more fun than a baby. And I love being back at work and putting her in nursery! We had zero family support which didn’t help in the baby days which were so relentless.

I wish I’d found Mumsnet earlier than I did. I seemed to be surrounded by mums adoring their newborn babies and blissed out by the whole thing whereas I didn’t dare admit I didn’t even like my baby.

Not everyone is pretending to be super mummy though. Some do find it easier than others, for whatever reason. There is nothing wrong with truthful responses either way, but you shouldn't pretend to find it hard if you don't, or easy if you find it hard. There's room for the truth on both sides.

There is nothing wrong with truthful responses either way, but you shouldn't pretend to find it hard if you don't, or easy if you find it hard. There's room for the truth on both sides

I agree with this.

I was a judgy once. I had one practically perfect daughter and in my head everyone else was doing it all wrong when their babies didn't sleep or were fussy with food etc etc. I was much younger then and had a gigantic head obviously.

11 years later DD2 came along. Another perfect child, slept through, no food fussiness, no problems, no opposition etc etc.

18 months later DD3 came along 3 weeks prem and she was the most high needs baby I've ever met. She had reflux which turned out to be cows milk allergy, I had to hold her 24 hours a day and I was completely frazzled. She woke in the night constantly and was in a co sleeper for 8 months. She once screamed so much while I took 2 minutes to drain pasta that she stopped breathing!

At the same time DD2 'perfect toddler' wasn't actually talking yet and showing some obsessive behaviours. At her 2 year check she got referred to SALT, then to Cahms and at nearly 3, I now know that she's autistic.

DD3 got better although still has allergies to a few things including milk but is a particularly boisterous toddler who can't keep still and may also have ASD but it's too early to know yet.

I'm SO MUCH less judgy now. I don't care what people do or how their DC behave and I don't judge anything except actual abuse. I don't know if there's hidden disabilities or their child has a different personality to mine etc.

I did do BLW with DD3 but I did TW with my eldest 2 girls and all 3 are fine! It really doesn't matter, it's just feeding!

That's why I don't judge childrens behavior or patenting, as You don't know what's wrong with a child, do you

Because we're all effing traumatised.

For me the hardest stage with all of them was the last trimester of pregnancy, especially when there were dc to look after too. Found the newborn stage relatively easy as bf and co-slept so always (once I realised co-sleeping was the way to go) got a decent night's sleep.

For goodness sake. Some folk should look at animals with their young feeding whenever demanded and then decreasing as young grow. I am always amazed at these postings complaining about babies. Folk research buying new phone, internet provider not than they do about the effects of having a family has on would be parents.

I wish parents were more honest about baby days. I have found it incredibly hard. I expected to live in a bubble of netflix, love, sleepy cuddles and a cute baby stuck to my boobs.
Instead I was diagnosed with severe PND, put on medication, sent to therepy, couldn’t bf even after the stupid knitted boob presentation, and have a baby that needs stimulation 24/7!
I just wasn’t prepared for it, it was only after the fact (none of this is a secret) that A LOT of my friends told me they had a bad time of it too. I would of given anything to experience what littlekiwi describes above, and still breaks my heart that it was robbed from me.
We’re all just shit at admitting that we aren’t perfect.

I'm well past baby stage and I'm a grandparent now, but I find it quite sad that some ladies feel they should be living up to the stealth boasts of faceless people on social media.
Being a mum is can be the hardest and loneliest job in world no matter what your family dynamics are. No two babies are alike and no two mum's are alike. You may have sailed through baby number one but baby number two may be more fractious, more hungry etc.
If you're able to get help ask for it if you need it. Just give yourself a break. Don't try and live up to anyone else's expectations and please don't be hard on yourself if you have a shit day! Tomorrow is another day...... 💐

Annabellla.

I don’t think I’m any sort of super mum in the slightest but I loved the baby days, getting to know this whole new person that I helped to make was amazing. I was extremely lucky to have a very easy baby too, so although tiring I didn’t find it too hard. I doubt I will be so lucky this time around (#2 due May).

Thanks purplealian - I think it's great to hear from people who have been through the lot and are now grandparents!

I see older people looking at me in a cafe with my two (3 and 7 months) and I can tell they are remembering my days fondly! I'm just firefighting lol.

I genuinely hate the baby bit - mainly 6-12 months and then I love the toddler bit (so far). Everyone is different and every baby is different - my second baby is easier but not easy and hasn't slept well yet.

I think people are generally (hope!) more intelligent than thinking if X had a bad experience so will I. Depends on you,your baby and your situation.

:)

And also because many of us don't actually spend much time with babies before we have our own. I was one of the few who had already changed a nappy before I had my DD (only because I had been looking after a friend's baby twins whilst she had cancer treatment). I'd heard a bit about sleepless nights but no actual detail. I had seen people at church bringing babies along, but the babies were generally asleep or else happily feeding and just looked cute. It was no preparation (even looking after the twins!) for being stuck at home on my own with my own baby who had screamed all night whilst I was developing PND and no one had mentioned milk not coming in for weeks.

I thought I had prepared- I was given the [excruciatingly awful] Womanly art of breastfeeding when I was pregnant, but that just set me up for failure and PND (worst birthday present ever! )

Also, help isn't always available, even if you're struggling with your baby. I asked my HV for help with PND but she said she couldn't offer anything as there was no support available. All the postnatal groups had been cancelled because of cuts.

I have since discovered that I should have asked for a referral to a perinatal mental health group, but because I didn't specifically ask for that (how could I, I didn't know they existed!) I didn't get one.

There’s even a link on the latest Mumsnet email - Things to cherish about the newborn stage!

There was really nothing to cherish about that stage as far as I’m concerned. It was beyond awful. But even seeing a link like that makes me feel like a failure for not enjoying it.

Surely people do this in all areas of their life. They don’t tell you their husband is a twat, they don’t tell you their commute is horrible, they don’t tell you they’re skint. They just get on with it and try to find the positives. It works for me! Otherwise we would all sit around moaning all the time...

DS slept very little (about 13 hours spread over 24) and I had the baby blues for 8 weeks or so. It was really hard. We need to be honest about the potential stress of new parenthood.

I found the baby stage a doddle (although in retrospect it wasn’t with out issues), it was the toddler stage that nearly sent me over the edge! Having to be constantly on your toes to avoid them falling and cracking their heads open, colds/noro etc wiping us all out, stopping putting everything in their mouths and choking to death. And then there was the shear horrifying, mind-boggling irrationality of it - watching them as they sobbed and yelled that they wanted toy x when they were holding it in their hand... . I would have a baby again in a heart beat, but a toddler, never!!

As an expectant first time mum struggling with antenatal depression thank god for the more positive stories on this thread!

We went through good patches and bad patches - despite my initial scepticism, pretty much exactly in the "wonder weeks" app patterns!

But at both times I didn't encounter any hiding the bad or crowing about the good. Friends I met along the way (antenatal yoga, postnatal group, baby swimming) were all pretty honest with each other as was I and always supportive.

I do not buy this "conspiracy of silence" idea. In fact my experience when I was pregnant was the opposite - lots of you'll never sleep again, and be prepared for hell, your life is over.