Why aren't parents more honest about baby days?

[ZombieVampireHedgehog]

I responded to a thread of a Mum struggling, I wondered why there's this, oh best pretend I'm Super Mum. Wouldn't we help more parents if we were honest that at times it's hard work. Some really struggled through baby days and didn't really enjoy it.

I don't think it makes us bad admitting our most trying parenting moments. Or the fact having a baby latched to your boobs 22/24 hours of the day is tiring. BF is hard work, as I guess cloth nappies must be.

We won't be sent to the guillotine. We could actually help.

I know super Mums exist, I thrived more as a parent when they were older. Where these super Mums on SM are mostly about youngest DC, the older ones pretty much do their own thing.

From tummy time to those daft black and white books, meant to turn your DC into Einstein. So many fads. Ooh organic jars and now it's baby led weaning. I admit I did the Annabelle C recipes which DC hated. It's all about textures

You know when people ask if your DC is a good baby? This is what they are really asking. It would be rude to say outright Are you coping? So instead they ask if the baby is difficult which shifts the blame onto somebody who doesn't actually care.

I read a lot of honest posts that it hard work. My second is 4 month and honesty so far it's pretty easy. Can't say the same for my first though lol

I think this 'pretend I'm super mum' is a recent thing, and I wonder if it is connected to social media.

Because IME parents, when talking together, would say that phases were really tough (different times for different temperaments of both baby and parent).

People weren't posting to the wider world about their lives. No-one was trying to look good all the time - once a year for Christmas round robin letter was more than enough.

People in RL are I think still more likely to be open, and therefore also supportive, than they are online.

Or the fact having a baby latched to your boobs 22/24 hours of the day is tiring. BF is hard work, as I guess cloth nappies must be.

That's your problem. God created Aptamil for a reason. So Daddy can get up in the night.

I had a very easy baby from him being born. Slept, fed, shat to a timetable, happy and gurgley. I did find that period easy, that’s being honest.

I didn’t consider myself a ‘super Mum’, I considered myself a lucky one!

I found it much more difficult when he was about 3! He never shut up, he never sat still, I could get nothing done, I felt guilty a lot more than I did when he was younger. For about 6 months he wanted to be stuck to me with glue and I could barely get anything done! He was just so needy of attention, which he got but he made it blatantly clear for a while that he thought I was there to answer to his every whim - shouting mummy at all times of day or night!

We’re all super mums in one way or another and we all struggle in others and I don’t think any of us should compare our trials and tribulations. We all have it hard sometimes and sometimes we all have it easier.

I agree OP. The first 10 weeks or so were awful and when everyone kept telling me to 'enjoy every minute', I didn't know what to say to them.

Weirdly I then found the rest of the baby stage pretty straightforward as DD and I both calmed down, but I felt I wasn't able to admit the truth then either!

Is there not a general thing in society where you can't be honest about how you're feeling? It's all "how are you" "I'm fine, you". Maybe it's a UK thing.

I am supermum while they are at school..... The rest of the time I struggle.

No one on here or in RL has ever said to me that having a baby and toddler is easy. I think generally people can be very supportive.

I think this 'pretend I'm super mum' is a recent thing, and I wonder if it is connected to social media...... People weren't posting to the wider world about their lives. No-one was trying to look good all the time

Social media didn't exist when my children were at primary school, or it was in its very infancy. Still had those mothers at the school gates and at toddler groups though.

Go birdling!!

I found baby stage really easy with DC1 after I stopped trying to BF, she also slept loads and didn’t really move too much so I watched a lot of TV. Didn’t make me supermum though. Got looked down upon for FF, but I did not scream at people so you want my baby to die from lack of food, so all was good.

When I had DC2, found it hard with juggling 2 of them. Got some funny looks when I admitted 2 was hard work. Am pretty sure there’s a conspiracy out there trying to hide this fact!

Then the toddler bit might have been ok (can’t remember, blocked it out now) but now they’re older I’m finding it hard with handling home and work, am constantly shit at everything.

Basically you are asking for comments on whether two individuals are getting on! It all depends on myriad factors: each person's personality (Mum's and LO's) illness, support, sleep etc etc.

FWIW I loved the baby stages and didn't have significant problems. But I can't pinpoint why that was and probably it was all down to luck at the end of the day.

I had the opposite experience. I found the baby stage really easy each time, even with one that seemed determined to never let me sleep. But when I was pregnant everyone just droned on endlessly about what a nightmare it was, and then at mother's groups everyone seemed to always be engaged in some kind of 'whose life is the shittiest' contest.

With my first it actually made me incredibly anxious, as I thought if it was easy that must mean I wasn't doing it right, that I must be skipping all these crucial things other parents do that wear them out so much. So it's actually not helpful to everyone for people to play up the negatives.

My dd was relatively easy compared to her brother but I still remember days of waiting on the pavement outside the house to shove her at dh when he arrived back from work and also being quite bored and lonely (having done school, uni, full time work, I just had never really had such long extended periods on my own). I didn’t know how to set up my network of mum friends then - I worked it out eventually. I look back on that time as being a lot of wonder and a lot of being overwhelmed.

When ds was born 19 months later, it was hell on wheels. He was more difficult, dd was a toddler, gah, now those years were a hamster wheel of misery, endless nappies, feeding, crying. Once they were 3/4 yrs it got a million times better. Then we went through the honeymoon phase (5yrs - 11yrs).
Now we’re in the early teens which have come with their own challenges and we’re only at the tip of the iceberg I fear! However, with that comes lots of laughs and actually a bit more wonder to see them starting to develop their own ideals and principles (dd is shaping up to be an excellent feminist ).
I still look back at the baby and toddler combined years and shudder (hence stopping at two!).

I'm always quite happy to admit that I barely remember the 1st few years with my DDs born quite close together - and I I didn't even breast feed! I was most definitely not a super mum.

Yes, I think the newborn stage is/can be soul destroying, but, just wait until they’re teenagers. It’s a whole new Hell.

I love both my children to the moon and back but I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have a newborn again. It’s hell on a different level.

Honestly......I would swap my 16 year old for newborn right now. Difficult in a different way.

I found the baby stage quite easy all 3 times, tbh. The easiest one was my middle child. I can remember reading and playing tetris a lot. I don't remember anyone else I knew saying it was hard, with a couple of exceptions. 'Difficult' babies were not seen as the norm though.
My take on this is that there seems to be a belief on mumsnet that a baby's behaviour regarding things like sleep is down to luck and the baby's personality, rather than the parents actively doing things. This mindset was not prevalent when I had my babies. There were things to do when you cared for a baby and they worked for the most part.
I can remember when I started using the internet (only about 10 years ago) and being quite surprised that looking after babies was seen as a hard difficult thing, because that did not reflect my experience at all. It's like when people on here talk about 'sleep deprivation' , something that I never experienced even though I had 3 babies, with no help from anyone.

I didn't find it hard.
I think its more of a taboo to say that.
I found babyhood a doddle. I enjoy newborns.

I find teens very hard. If you admit that you get a load of po faced twaddle like 'well babies grow up, you should have thought about that' and lots of people telling you how much they enjoy spending time with their 14 year olds.
I am sure they do.
But if you have a 'difficult baby' people coo, if you have a 'difficult' teen people blame you.

I absolutely believe and sympathise with those who found the newborn stage hell but I didn't. If we are going to use hyperbole I would say it was more like heaven

When I was pregnant with DS2, the first time mums to be often bemoaned the fact that people were warning them how tired they were going to be etc etc etc. Took it really personally that folk weren’t wrapped up in their positive little bubble with them.

I think as soon as you’re in the stage where you’re in a room with other new mothers it’s pretty easy to be empathetic.

I think people forget quite quickly and remember snuggles and it 'not being that bad'
When I think about it fleetingly, I am all warm and fuzzy about lovely newborns.

Then when I think a bit harder I remember weeping at 5am having been awake for 3 hours, pacing up and down roads to try and get a nap etc.

It's easy to gloss over now they're older and sleep etc, I think people just say what first comes to mind!

I was very honest about how I felt with DS when he was a baby (chewed a hole in my boob, cluster fed all the time, didn't sleep through t he night until he was 3.5). My DH told me I was a bad parent, my mother told me I was doing something wrong and the new parents I'd met at baby group just stared at me incredulously.

I stopped being so honest.

thank goodness for online anonymous forums.

I've never met a "Super Mum" who boasts about being a perfect parent. In real life, most people I know are honest about how they find some days hard.

In fact, it seems to be positively trendy to declare yourself a slummy mummy - muddling along and making lots of mistakes.

It majorly depends on your baby. Some babies are pretty settled and easily contented. Others are, well, not. If you have a more difficult baby then it's going to be less enjoyable.

Having unrealistic expectations can make it hard too.

I find people incredibly honest, so much so it puts me off having children