Why aren't parents more honest about baby days?

[ZombieVampireHedgehog]

I responded to a thread of a Mum struggling, I wondered why there's this, oh best pretend I'm Super Mum. Wouldn't we help more parents if we were honest that at times it's hard work. Some really struggled through baby days and didn't really enjoy it.

I don't think it makes us bad admitting our most trying parenting moments. Or the fact having a baby latched to your boobs 22/24 hours of the day is tiring. BF is hard work, as I guess cloth nappies must be.

We won't be sent to the guillotine. We could actually help.

I know super Mums exist, I thrived more as a parent when they were older. Where these super Mums on SM are mostly about youngest DC, the older ones pretty much do their own thing.

From tummy time to those daft black and white books, meant to turn your DC into Einstein. So many fads. Ooh organic jars and now it's baby led weaning. I admit I did the Annabelle C recipes which DC hated. It's all about textures

vlooby
I do agree with you !

I agree Messy. It seemed like everybody I met when pregnant with my first was laughing wryly telling me to prepare for no sleep, feeling awful and having no time to myself.

In fact, he slept for hours and didn't cry much. I was quite bored for the first few weeks with loads of time to myself. He was just an easy baby.

So far I have found the new baby stage and teenage stage the hardest. The toddler and primary school years were a doddle.

God I found from 6 weeks til about 9 months so easy.
Finding toddler stage more difficult (16mo) can’t take my eyes off him for a second.

I found coping with two toddlers much harder than the baby stage. They were just so messy and energetic and exhausting!

I'm somewhere in the middle so far. DD is an OK sleeper, from day one she did 3 hours at a time, followed by a period of sleeping through the night. at 19 weeks, she generally wakes once. She's really hard to settle though, takes at least an hour. We had a period of colic which was awful.
Also she rarely naps which means I hardly have any time to myself through the day. That's probably what I find hardest now.

The early weeks of cluster feeding were the worst, chained to the sofa with baby attached from 5-11pm.

To add, I found people were too honest about the bad and it was actually easier than I had built it up to be though!

I found the first year incredibly hard work, while some of my fellow nct mums just seemed to sail through. Luckily I had other friends with slightly older babies, who never felt the need to put on a front / had difficult babies like mine, so we all commiserated together. Meanwhile, I find the toddler years pretty easy - DS is fairly easy-going and very rarely tantrums, though he does like to run off at every opportunity if we're out and about - while some of my nct friends are struggling much more. Swings and roundabouts.

I do think it's good to be able to say, "I'm finding it so hard and I frankly hate it" and have friends say, "Yes, me too" at whatever stage you're at. And I also wouldn't rub the ease of my toddler years into the face of some someone who's struggling at that stage - I don't feel oppressed in any way by not going on about how easy my toddler is. I also don't feel that it's down to my superior parenting - DS is just easy going.

What are you on about? Mumsnet is full of people talking about how hard it can be.

I agree with highpeak, I read so much about how hard having a baby was, and then two under two, I was pleasantly surprised! Not every moment of every day was amazing but wasn’t as hard as I’d been led to believe. My eldest wasn’t a great sleeper but she wasnt inconsolable ever.

I found being heavily pregnant (both times but especially when I had a one year old too) much harder and more sleep deprived than newborn phase!

I also found it hard when my 18 month old started biting and hitting for no obvious reason.

11 week old DC1 here. Moments of brilliance where it’s all easy and I’m just socialising while wearing her, playing with her, etc, and some times when she just screams and screams, and I wouldn’t wish her on anyone. These can be in the same 24 hours. If someone is struggling it’s hugely unhelpful to pipe up with, Well mine never cried/pooped on schedule/whatever.

I don't think the healthy eating and tummy time etc. makes anyone a supermum - that's basic parenting. If I've read your OP correctly you've given some odd definitions on what makes a super mum. Sorry if I've misinterpreted!

DD1 baby days were mostly amazing despite being woken which is expected.

DD2 baby days were kind of dreadful tbh and I wished time away to make it to her 1st Birthday when things slowly started getting better for us.

I have a few friends now with similar aged DC and we can all relate in some way with the struggles of parenthood and I've never felt any of them were "super". Just parents.

I think it is sad if parents hide their struggles yes but perhaps it is easy for them! And perhaps once their DC are toddlers they'll be more open about tantrums, fussy eating, snatching and smacking etc.!

Don't read into it too much OP. Do what you do. If your struggling, continue to open up. Their might be someone out there wanting to do the same.

I don't recognise this denial about what a massive shock to the system it can be having a newborn baby. There have been thousands of threads about it on Mumsnet over the years and, speaking for myself and the friends I made at NCT or breastfeeding support groups, we all propped each other up and sobbed on each other's shoulders at times.

If there ever were competitive mums around me, I honestly never noticed them being competitive!

YABU to imply that these “perfect mums” are always Mums who breastfeed.

I’ve come across plenty of Mums who talk about how easy it is to bottle feed and how their babies have slept through from 2 days old.

The problem is is that the vast majority of women believe that everyone else knows what they are doing. Truth is, no one really does.

I remember crying when DD was just 5 weeks old because during one of my first outings with her she managed to poo explode and throw up all over herself in a cafe in the space of about 20 mins whilst friend’s DD slept soundly on her shoulder.

I kept worrying she was ‘behind’ all the time, seeing babies crawling at 6 months and walking at 11.

Truth is, now, at 2.3, you can have proper conversations with her, she’s in a big bed and she’s don’t curse it fully potty trained.

I find that sometimes, if you are more honest about what you find hard, it helps other Mum’s to open up too. That’s the approach I take now.

Tummy time, books and healthy eating are all just quite normal things to do surely?

Every pregnant woman I have ever met admits to me that she's worried about childbirth and just how hard becoming a parent is. Sorry op, I think the problem is that people scare prospective mums with negativity.

I'm by no means super mum. But I have genuinely enjoyed every stage for different reasons. Sure, there are challenges and difficult day and nights. But I focus on how this is vastly overwhelmed by the pleasure it brings.

The number of women who are terrified of giving birth because of the horror stories they've been told is off the scale. People have the right to be honest of course, but for the love of god I wish people would be more responsible about it. Not every birth is a horror story. Not everyone struggles with a newborn, toddler or pre-schooler, teenager. Some of us prefer to share the positives with those who are already scared shitless. It's ok to say 'I'm enjoying it' just as it's ok to say 'I'm struggling'.

I found the baby stage easy. Easy birth, easy newborn, slept through the night at 4 weeks etc.

Toddler age is killing me. I am 100% a worse parent than I was this time last year.

This is why before I had children I didn’t talk to any mum friends - I didn’t want to hear how hard or how easy it was. I wanted to find out for myself. And I did, my daughter was a difficult baby and my son is a dream. One of each - fair I suppose!

I don't think people are dishonest, I just think some people have a bad time and then assume everyone else is not being truthful. My DS (2) was a lovely easy baby for the first 6 months, to the point that I couldn't understand why everyone had made such a fuss about the baby stage being difficult.

Then he started the whinging, and it has been downhill since then.

@noeffingidea if you could give me some wisdom on how to get my toddler to sleep that would be great? DC1 has never slept through!! DC2 however, slept from 4 weeks - I have done nothing differently.

OP, I found DC1 immensely difficult - it was earth shattering, my life completely changed over night and I found that so so hard. Sleep deprivation was horrific. I find 2 relatively easy though, mainly because DC2 is an easy baby - all down to luck as my parenting is the same.

I did find the baby stage fairly straightforward - it's toddler/preschool that was the most challenging, up to about when the youngest was five. If I hadn't had to work though I'd have enjoyed it a lot more.

Had 4 children all different, none magically slept through the night at 6 weeks, but I found if you tell people the truth, you are accused of scare mongering.

Been 10 years on MN and for every post about an easy experience of the baby stage there must be 15 about how hard it is and how new mothers have to be kind to themselves. I don't know where these people are who won't let you admit it can be tough, but they don't come on here much.

(If you read non-MN Mummy blogs, then that's a different matter. But in that case, frankly, you've only yourself to blame.)

Have been on many threads where the OP is terrified to give birth, particularly if about to be induced or have a caesarean because she has been told it has to be unbearably painful and traumatising. I've been through both procedures and found them perfectly ok, but somehow if you come online and say so, that is seen as being dishonest, because other women had different experiences.

I just don't think you can predict what another woman's life is going to be like, all we can do is provide lots of different experiences.

For the record, I found the baby stage very hard with my firstborn (health issues), less so with my second. Found the age of 3 the hardest because of the whining. Didn't experience any of the teenage problems you're supposed to have, but had totally different ones instead.

I don't think we should assume that every mum who doesn't find the baby stage hard is lying or putting on a front.

However, mums boasting about being a superparent on social media can stick in your throat if you're struggling.

It's worth bearing in mind that any parent falling over themselves to prove their supermum status or elevate themselves above others is probably deeply insecure.