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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
AnnabellaH · 23/11/2017 00:27

@peipeiping oddly enough I couldn't really give a toss what you think is rude.

I do however give a toss that someone is so ignorant that they still see men and women through such a jaded set of goggles.

More women want a casual shag with no strings than men. I promise you. Take your blinkers off. We don't all want to marry the milkman... we just want what he can give us.

PeiPeiPing · 23/11/2017 00:37

Yeah sure you don't give a toss what I think @AnnabellaH. Whatever.......

As I said, that poster clearly hit a raw nerve with you. Otherwise you would not have felt the need to make a spiteful, bitchy comment about her, saying she is clearly not a babe anymore.

Says a lot more about you than her.

And ya know what HUN, I don't give a toss about anything you think or say either.

And as for THIS you wrote...

More women want a casual shag with no strings than men. I promise you.

What a crock of shite.

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 23/11/2017 00:47

PeiPeiPing
I’m not sure why you think that it’s women and not men who want a relationship rather than just sex but the idea of more women wanting just sex is absurd to you.

Monogamy is not natural for us it’s a learned and practiced behaviour, heads will still turn even in a very happy and loving relationship which causes affairs because we as humans see all the things other people have that our partners don’t.

No one is perfectly matched to anyone because there will always be faults with someone you are with and there will always be someone else who fulfils those missed needs.

So many choose to avoid this drama and go for an open sexual relationship, both men and women enjoy these arrangements and you needn’t feel sympathy for them because they aren’t recieving affection (although they could be because affection could be part of the deal.)

PeiPeiPing · 23/11/2017 01:00

@curiositykilledthecat113

I am sure SOME women want casual fucks, but I reckon men want it more. Women are more likely to want a relationship. Keep insisting it's not true, but it is. Nothing to do with 'learned and practiced behaviour,' or 'being conditioned.' It's how women are, don't deny it's true.

My point was that the poster above (Annabella) was rude and insulting to the poster @formerbabe just because she disagreed with what she said, and I reckoned she had hit a raw nerve (with her, AND a few other posters who were being a bit rude to formerbabe ) And then she was rude to me!

I am entitled to my opinion as well you know!!! And my opinion is that women don't want casual fucks with no commitment as much as men do! Women are more likely to want a commitment. (If not straight away, certainly within a few weeks/a couple of months...) Not all women will, but most will...

PeiPeiPing · 23/11/2017 01:08

There seems to be this desperation (with some women) to insist they should behave exactly as men do, because it's their 'right' and 'it's equality innit?' And 'it's 2017, don't be such an old prude, get with the times FFS!'

Bit pathetic really. I don't even believe half the stuff some women are coming out with on here, and I reckon they are saying what they think will impress certain women on here, and what will impress the feminists. Wink

ReggaetonLente · 23/11/2017 01:10

@formerbabe that viewpoint might be why you're 'former' these days...

Why be so bitchy?

Nancy91 · 23/11/2017 01:14

Men are more into casual sex than women, 100%

I'd say it's to do with them having an almost guaranteed orgasm no matter who it's with.

I couldn't personally do the FWB thing, it always makes me think that one of the members is in unrequited love with the other, who is simply taking advantage of them.

NamasteNiki · 23/11/2017 01:20

Men are more into casual sex than women, 100%. I'd say it's to do with them having an almost guaranteed orgasm no matter who it's with.

It's shocking how many people hold such stereotyped and such ill informed views.

Nancy91 · 23/11/2017 01:38

Agree to disagree Niki.

I think your earlier post saying that we aren't designed to be monogamous etc is irrelevant. We aren't cave people any more, they used to rape and kill and steal as if it was no big deal. People have moved on somewhat now, and different people have different morals.

That's beside the point though, as I don't have a problem with casual sex. I think it's bollocks that women want casual sex more than men though - us women are frequently sexually harrassed by men. Open your eyes!

NamasteNiki · 23/11/2017 01:42

Open your eyes on this site. The amount of lazy men who wont pull their weight, dont look after the children, do no domestic chores. Who would want to be shackled to that?

Far better to have them for sex only, the majority seem over grown children.

The sexual assault is a perverse dominance and abusive thing and not really about just sexual desire.

We aren't cave people any more, they used to rape and kill and steal as if it was no big deal. In many countries they still do!

WineAndTiramisu · 23/11/2017 01:59

formerbabe

Personally I think it's a concept that must have been dreamt up by men, as a convenient way of them being able to have sex with multiple women without having to offer any commitment.

I've had a couple of FWB, I can confirm that I didn't want a relationship with either of them, and the main part of it was having sex with no commitment. It's not just men that want that!

Also, with the sex should matter / only be in relationships why? It's fun, and as long as you're safe, not harmful. I don't get the pearl clutching to be honest...

FittonTower · 23/11/2017 02:51

I enjoyed a few FWB while I was in my 20s, with men and women - I enjoy sex, I make friends easily and I wasn't looking for a relationship. If either of us started "falling" for the other we'd discuss it with the other or just knock it on the head (depending on the circumstances), it was fun and I think calling it "tacky" or "vulgar" is pretty nasty. It's not hurting anyone, and just because it's not your thing or sex is more personal to you or whatever doesn't change the way I see it - or the value I place on myself because of it. Calling names because of people's choices when it comes to sex (whether it's "tacky" or "prude") is a horrible thing to do and generally only applied to women.
And, for what it's worth in my limited experience, I had more problems with the men wanting relationships that I couldn't give than the women, in fact all the women were very happy with the situation. It was the men that were more likely to assume a relationship that wasn't there or get into the situation thinking they'd end up with a girlfriend a happily ever after but I think that was because they had a greater sense of entitlement rather than ther women were any better at being emotionally detached - on the contrary I think women are often much more tuned in to their emotions so more likely to know whether a FWB relationship is a really bad idea for them before they embark on it

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/11/2017 04:03

Gosh OP - who cares what you think? Who cares that you think sex should be a big deal...?

It's not for me, but seriously - why do people get so opinionated about what complete strangers do behind closed doors? Confused

The people that are into this aren't going to stop doing it just because you don't think they're treating SEX with the respect it deserves!

BitchQueen90 · 23/11/2017 06:00

Er, why is it tacky? I have a FWB. I don't particularly want to have casual sex with lots of different men (not that it would be anyone's business if I did) so it's a good arrangement, we both know the score and it's been working very well for us for the last 3 years.

I don't want a relationship. I'm in my late 20s and a single parent, and quite frankly I want to do things my own way without having to consider anyone other than my DS.

I certainly don't want a relationship with this man. He lives in a different city 150 miles away and neither of us have any intention of moving. Nobody apart from a couple of my friends have any idea that he exists. And he definitely does not want a relationship with me either.

The sooner people mind their own business about what others are doing that isn't hurting anyone else, the better.

chestylarue52 · 23/11/2017 07:10

Personally I think it's a concept that must have been dreamt up by men, as a convenient way of them being able to have sex with multiple women without having to offer any commitment.

See I don't see commitment as something that's given by men and gratefully received by women.

I don't want to commit to a man - I don't have the inclination. I have my own money, house, car, etc.

I do however like sex and dating so I have a lover or sometimes two. That's not a new thing - people have been taking lovers since the roman times. I'm perplexed by the moral outrage.

Roussette · 23/11/2017 07:13

I think it's envy to be honest. I'm sure there's some on here that haven't had the opportunity or the sorted head to have a FWB, so they knock it and reckon it's a man's idea. It was successful for me back in the late 70's/80's! And it was not unrequieted love for either of us. We just liked sex with each other.

Notreallyarsed · 23/11/2017 07:13

As long as both parties are consenting and otherwise unattached then it falls into the “each to their own” category

This sums up how I feel about it. It wasn’t for me when I was single (tried it, got hurt emotionally realised it wasn’t my thing) but just because it’s not my thing doesn’t mean it’s wrong. As long as they’re both adults and both consenting, it’s none of my business.
Tacky to me is the explosion that was 50 shades of gray, that women were excited by being hurt by a damaged man with total control. Now that is tacky.

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 07:23

I personally can’t think of anything worse than a relationship now I am definitely not ‘emotionally available’

If someone was to offer me an ‘FWB’ type of set up I’d possibly agree to it to be honest. Depending who it was etc.

I have ‘needs’ and I don’t particularly feel like having a multitude of one night stands but I also don’t want a boyfriend/partner whatever.

VioletHaze · 23/11/2017 07:28

Calling names because of people's choices when it comes to sex (whether it's "tacky" or "prude") is a horrible thing to do and generally only applied to women.

That is a really good point.

chestylarue52 · 23/11/2017 07:39

I remember one similar thread about me using websites to find a partner.

One pearl clutcher crying 'but you're just giving them sex for free!!'

Well yes. I wasn't aware I was supposed to be sending an invoice.

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 07:40

Gosh chesty didn’t you know you’re supposed to prostitute yourself??

formerbabe · 23/11/2017 07:45

Nothing wrong with causal sex if both parties are happy with that arrangement. I don't think it's tacky or grim as described by other posters on here. I do, however have plenty of single friends and saw plenty of the single life before I settled down. It's something I have observed...many women may enjoy the sex part of their fwb arrangement but in an ideal world would prefer the man to offer them some commitment...not all obviously, but some.

zippey · 23/11/2017 08:03

I think it's more tacky to make moral judgements about the sex lives of consenting people. Sex is a good thing. Lots of people like it.

gingerclementine · 23/11/2017 08:07

@jaimelannistersgoldenhand
It’s not easy to find someone who’s compatible as a companion and sexually. FWB is good for those who are sexually compatible.

I don't understand this. As you say it's not easy to find someone you both like and are sexually attracted to. When you do, why not go out with them? Why keep options open to try and find another rare person you like and also fancy? I don't get it.

MadameJosephine · 23/11/2017 08:08

Personally I find it odd that you seem to be ok with people getting pissed and having a random one night stand but not with them making a responsible adult decision to have sex while sober with each of them knowing the expectations of the other.

FWB sounds good to me. I’m in my 40’s, a single parent with 2 long term relationships in my past and absolutely no desire for another. I don’t have the time or the inclination for commitment and I don’t want to have sex with a random man (although I have done this in the past and have no problem with it, that’s not what I want right now)