AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

[brasty]

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

It's OK OP nobody is going to make you do it if you doing want to. I think decreeing that other people's relationship choices are tacky is pretty unnecessary though.

I have had a relationship like that in the past. We had sex, it was never going be a committed forever after relationship for lots of reasons, but we enjoyed having sex occasionally. We just drifted apart in the end with no hard feelings on either side. In fact it was one of the nicest relationships I have had. Honest and simple.

The problem with FwB is that usually one person becomes much more attached and it all gets messy.

Definitely worked for me during my divorce. I had a good friend due to be leaving town who fancied me a lot. He was great but I couldn't see him as serious relationship/ future dad to my kids material. He is a good friend of dh and was an usher at our wedding. It was fun.

I think if you don't want a FWB arrangement then you shouldn't have one. Luckily no one is going to make you!

Other people's sex lives are, well, their business. I think passing comment is actually much tackier. 'Live and let live', as long as it's all consenting adults, is much more graceful.

As a single parent in my 40s its handy to have a few friends that you can ring up for sex. Its a lot less hassel than having to waste a few months getting to know them before you jump into bed, and then it can get messy if you want sex relationship but they want more. Best just make it clear to your friends its just sex dont expect to be staying the night.

Each to their own. I’ve never had, nor wanted to have, casual sex, so it’s not something I’d ever do.

I have several very dear male friends, and I can’t imagine wanting to shag any of them.

To me, by definition, a friend you have sex with is your boyfriend/girlfriend.

And not against casual sex. But friends with benefits is more than that

Friends with benefits IS casual sex...just with someone you know rather than a pick-up in a nightclub (for example).

You think the latter is better?

Not that it is even faintly your business what consenting adults do in private. If you want to be all Danielle Steele about sex, fine, but not everyone does. That OK with you?

What's "tacky" about it? Everyone has their own set of circumstances. What works for some people, doesn't work for others.

Works for me and has done for several years. We're both more than happy with the arrangement

Yes I’d go with tacky, high emotional risk and given the common view on MN that pregnancy can’t be prevented, unfair on any child conceived. Then I think the whole idea of casual sex is horrid and undermines the ability to maintain long term, commitment. Hedonism might be for some, but not for me.

People start having sex sometimes, and for various reasons don't want to call it a relationship, or tell other people. Its human, it has always happened and it doesn't really need a name.

To me, by definition, a friend you have sex with is your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Except invariably that comes with a perception that the relationship is is something which is eventually going to grow and develop until you are "a couple" and do "couple" things like move in together, think about a family etc, which doesn't accurately describe the intentions of a FWB arrangements.

I have a small handful of very close, longstanding friends, both male and female, who I like to kiss, make out with and have sex with from time to time. We are safe and we take care of each other emotionally and physically. They're not my boyfriends or girlfriends. What we have works for us. If it doesn't work for anyone else, they don't have to do it. Not sure what the problem is.

I have only had a friends with benefits arrangements once. We're now married. So it either worked really well or really badly, depending on your perspective...

It's awesome. Mines great and it works perfectly for us.

Different strokes for different folks.

I had a FWB for 18 months before I met my now-DH. I was finishing off my degree and didn't want to be in a serious relationship, he had been in a relationship since he was 14 (so for 10 years) that had recently ended so he didn't want anything serious. We worked together and got on well so it happened quite naturally. It worked well for us, there was nothing tacky about it and we are still friends.

You see when I was young, we would have relationships that were fun, but that we knew were not going to lead to marriage. But we spent time together, hung out as well as sex. And others knew you were in a relationship.

It’s better than people going to prostitutes...

Wow. Fab recommendation.

It’s not for me but if it works for others and it’s all consensual then fine. Although often things can get complicated when one falls for the other.

I think it’s something that’s definitely more common in younger people (and I’m not even that old, mid 20’s!). A lot of people I know around my age are wanting something a bit more long term so don’t really go for friends with benefits.

Do I think it’s tacky? Not really other than the name!
Is it for me(if I was single)? No probably not as I think I’d get hurt.

However as long as both parties know the boundaries and are single then who am I to judge?

It is not the same as when you are young and have 'fun/casual' dating/relationships, thats just innocence and not even thinking about if it might go anywhere.

FWB are not usually with your main social group, you dont tend to hang out with them on a regular basis, you dont go on dates or send valentines cards. You just ring them up and arrange a time and a place for a quick shag, not a lot of kissing involved. After its over you tell him that was nice he leaves and you probably dont arrange to see him again for 2 months. Also better to call a different FWB next time so you dont make any emotional attachment.

Yes I think that is tacky.

I've been married for years but the last relationship I had before I met DH was a FWB arrangement. It was a lovely summer of sex before we both moved to different cities. It wasn't a secret, we were part of the same friendship group and spent a lot of time together. But the only person who thought I was his girlfriend was his Mum, everyone else knew we just shagged.

I think it works well if there's a timelimit on it and/or if both of you know you don't want a relationship with each other because of a fundamental difference in outlook (my FWB was a Tory ) or because you want different things (I can see how it might work for lone parents who don't want either a procession of strangers in their house or a permanent addition).

Personally I think it's an adult and practical arrangement for people who don't want a relationship. Far better than an affair, which after all is also sex without any promise of a developing relationship but with a thick layer of dishonesty attached.

FwB is far too upmarket anyway. When I had one he was a fuck buddy & that suited us.

My OH was initially a fuck buddy; he just never left 😂

IME FWBs are a bit like threesomes, a great idea in theory but sooner or later emotions get involved and it ends with someone being badly hurt.

I had a FWB. His idea, I would have preferred a proper relationship, but the sex was good so I went with it. Then I met someone else who did want a relationship, and told FWB the deal was off. He cried and tried to kill himself. We had been friends for years and I felt terrible for hurting him.

IMO, and like PP pointed out, regular sex with someone you like a lot is a relationship, and emotional attachments will often happen whether you want them to or not.

I lost a good friend as well as a lover, and things didn't work out in the long term with the new guy either. I wouldn't waste a good friendship for a shag again.