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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
GrandDesespoir · 22/11/2017 21:24

It's all very well to say it's tacky if you're fortunate enough to be in a stable relationship - or are not interested in sex. However that doesn't apply to everyone.

formerbabe · 22/11/2017 21:37

Personally I think it's a concept that must have been dreamt up by men, as a convenient way of them being able to have sex with multiple women without having to offer any commitment.

Honestly, I'm no prude but I actually think more women then men want committed relationships and often put up with a fwb arrangement in the hope that the man will change his mind and fall in love with them.

mustbemad17 · 22/11/2017 21:38

Wow that's a massive generalisation!

JaceLancs · 22/11/2017 21:40

I hate the expression but have been involved in 2 such arrangements in the past (not at the same time) which worked well for me
I am still friends with both one I only see occasionally due to distance but we quite often have 3-4 hour phone calls
The other I see frequently but only as a friend and we sometimes go on holiday together or go for days out as I would with a female friend
I am sad that the sexual side didn’t last longer but with one person physical issues caused us problems, the other person has enduring mental health issues which meant he lost interest altogether some of which was medication related
Don’t judge - you never know what situation you may be in

Redglitter · 22/11/2017 21:46

Personally I think it's a concept that must have been dreamt up by men, as a convenient way of them being able to have sex with multiple women without having to offer any commitment

Cos perish the thought a woman might just want sex. Not everyone who has a FWB has multiple partners you know

VioletHaze · 22/11/2017 21:50

Personally I think it's a concept that must have been dreamt up by men, as a convenient way of them being able to have sex with multiple women without having to offer any commitment.

And I think it's a pernicious and sexist myth that women don't want sex, and just do it for the love and snuggles and a relationship. It's actually OK for women to have desires, you know.

formerbabe · 22/11/2017 21:54

Redglitter

I did say I'm not a prude! I have no issue with casual sex. I don't think sex belongs solely within the confines of long term relationships either.

However, I know loads of single women who are attractive, intelligent and would love to settle down but really struggle to find men who are willing to commit, so they settle for fwb arrangements. Men seem far less likely to want to commit so it suits them as quite frankly, they can shag around without any repercussions.

formerbabe · 22/11/2017 21:57

and I think it's a pernicious and sexist myth that women don't want sex, and just do it for the love and snuggles and a relationship. It's actually OK for women to have desires, you know

I completely agree with you.

NamasteNiki · 22/11/2017 21:58

Are you aware that long term monogamous relationships arent that big a deal and marriage is just a social construct.

Humans have been fucking since time immemorial, marriage has not existed as long.

Get over your Victorian attitudes and forced social constructs and accept that humans too are an animals and it is a perfectly natural thing to do relationship or not.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2017 21:58

I take zero interest in what other people get up to with their sex lives, although I have to admit I took a great deal of interest when I found out that good friends of ours are in an open marriage!

You say you're not against casual sex, so why do you object to FWB?

What's with the Tunbridge Wells reference? I don't follow.

jarhead123 · 22/11/2017 22:00

It's a bit grim IMO

gingergenius · 22/11/2017 23:00

@formerbabe what a crock of shit!!!

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 23:04

I hate the phrase "no strings attached", as if in normal relationships women only give up sex so that they can control a man. Bleugh. Such misogynistic fuckwittery.

NamasteNiki · 22/11/2017 23:08

TammySwansonTwo I agree. Or that sex is a bargaining chip of some kind. You dont get any unless you commit to something.

VioletHaze · 22/11/2017 23:12

jarhead123 - out of curiosity, why grim?

And under what circumstances do you think adults should have sex?

SoleBizzz · 22/11/2017 23:16

Not for me. Each to their own.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 22/11/2017 23:19

I’d love to know why people think it’s grim or tacky.

Mind you, they’re probably the same people who don’t like sex & just do their ‘wifely duty’ & I couldn’t be less bothered what they think.

blackteasplease · 22/11/2017 23:20

I think it only works if both want it. If one party would prefer more of a relationship it won't work.

I think it would probably work better for older people with established careers, their own property bought, had their kids and now divorced and not wanting any more. If you are still looking for someone to have a family with why waste time on fwb?

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 23:28

Latte fighting judgement with more judgement, I see. It's perfectly possible to find this sort of arrangement unpalatable and also enjoy sex.

BulletFox · 22/11/2017 23:31

I wouldn't personally like it. A guy I've known for a few years asked me to see him without commitment last year and I shrugged and said ok, he was nice to talk to and good at hand holding, I didn't think as far ahead as sex.

Then he launched himself at me in my flat like a bull in a china shop and I screamed my head off. I was traumatised, he was traumatised, the neighbours heard and were traumatised.

That was the end of that. We're still vaguely friendly, I just wasn't ready and not expecting it.

Guess it depends on what makes you happy, personally don't like the term FWB

Original poster
brasty · 22/11/2017 23:47

The Tunbridge Wells reference shows my age, it is an old joke.

OP posts:
Original poster
brasty · 22/11/2017 23:53

And of course it is none of my business what others do. I think sex should matter, its not like scratching an itch.
One night stands used to be traditionally when both parties had had too much to drink and fancied each other. So they had sex. FWB is a thought out agreed arrangement to have sex together every so often, with no commitment. It is trying to divorces sex and emotion, that is what makes it different.

OP posts:
AnnabellaH · 22/11/2017 23:59

@formerbabe that viewpoint might be why you're 'former' these days...

More women want a casual shag than you may realise.

Swingers clubs are so popular for a reason. And it's not because of men Grin

PeiPeiPing · 23/11/2017 00:19

@AnnabellaH

formerbabe that viewpoint might be why you're 'former' these days...

More women want a casual shag than you may realise.

Swingers clubs are so popular for a reason. And it's not because of men Grin

Whilst that is probably true, (that women like casual shags too...) I think @formerbabe is right, that more women are looking for something permanent than men, and some may accept FWB arrangements in the hope it may lead to a relationship with that man. (Not all, but some, yes....)

There is no shame in admitting it. I think formerbabe hit a raw nerve with some, especially given the personal attack issued by AnnabellaH suggesting she is no longer a babe JUST BECAUSE she didn't like her opinions. Putting a Grin doesn't make your post any less rude Annabella.

Thedriftofstars · 23/11/2017 00:21

I really cannot get het up about two consenting adults doing what they want privately. Not sure why anyone would find it 'tacky' - mind your own business