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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
Roussette · 22/11/2017 18:40

It's been going on forever, I'm ancient, and I had one 35 years ago! It was great! I used to be a clubber and he'd be on the scene too, and after a night clubbing there was nothing better than me ringing him or him ringing me for a shag mutually satisfactory time! I had a dry spell with relationships, as did he, it went on for a couple of years.

Really not sure how that can be classed as 'tacky'

Copperspot · 22/11/2017 18:41

I think if you are both on the same page and know where you stand it’s a great thing. I have had a fwb in the past, for about 1year. We knew each other as friends of friends, fancied each other but neither of us wanted a relationship.

We never went on dates or blurred any lines. If we wanted to date other people that was fine. We used contraception. If we fancied a shag we would text each other. Simple really.

I think it only causes troubles when one person gets feelings / wants more. As long as you are both consenting and use contraception then crack on.

mustbemad17 · 22/11/2017 18:41

I think the difference is based on the friendship. I'd never shack up with someone i considered a close friend - that would be asking for trouble.
But somebody I saw from time to time, who i had a good connection with? No close friendship to ruin, but plenty of good (hopefully) sex to be had

Creambun2 · 22/11/2017 18:42

Friends with benefits is a really vulgar arrangement.

expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 18:42

'I am NOT against casual sex.

FWB is more than that.'

Erm, no it isn't. It's casual sex with the same person. If it doesn't work for you, you think it's tacky, then don't do it. Live and let live. Or be judgey and sneery about how other people conduct their lives. It doesn't matter what you're against, people can live how they like.

Julie8008 · 22/11/2017 18:42

If you think sex between consenting adults is 'tacky', then someone is definetly pearl clutching.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 22/11/2017 18:43

I don't think it's tacky at all. Nor do I think that sex has to be a big deal.

Each unto their own.

Redglitter · 22/11/2017 18:43

Copperspot Couldn't have put it better Smile

I'm several years into this kind of arrangement and it suits us both absolutely perfectly.

Roussette · 22/11/2017 18:44

Friends with benefits is a really vulgar arrangement*
You're sounding like one of the Queens equerries Shock

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 22/11/2017 18:44

I'm sorry, our personal relationships are being graded for cachet and aesthetic value now?

ADayGivingMeHope · 22/11/2017 18:44

Mind your own business?

mustbemad17 · 22/11/2017 18:51

We can't win...casual sex/one night stands are outrageous. Fuck buddies/FwB are tacky.

How's a single girl supposed to get any sex nowadays??? Or are we suggesting paying a prostitute is the way forward 🤔🤔

twattymctwatterson · 22/11/2017 18:57

You’re not really articulating why you think it’s tacky or worse than casual sex but yes YABVU to make a moral judgement on the sex lives of single, consenting adults

pointythings · 22/11/2017 18:59

Vulgar? Tacky? What are we supposed to do, one night stands/pay for it/plastic friends? I'd rather be with someone who is a friend, who I can trust, with whom the rules are clearly set out. I'm getting divorced and I have no intention of ever getting into a serious relationship again, but I'm certainly not going to do without sex.

gingergenius · 22/11/2017 20:08

Before I met my now exH I had a year long Fwb. Brilliant time. Loved each other's company, great sex, lots of laughs and absolutely no broken hearts, angst or misread signals! So, because you are judging and labelling it 'tacky', clearly without personal experience, YABVVVVU

Reflexella · 22/11/2017 20:20

Each to their own but I agree - I have never known a FWB arrangement to end well. One person always wants more.

Sometimes I think that emotions are considered almost old fashioned & people attempt to repress to fit.

Emotions are a natural part of being a human & people seem almost surprised when they bubble up.

PinkHeart5914 · 22/11/2017 20:23

I couldn’t care less what any 2 consenting adults want to do with their vagina or cock tbh, why is it tacky? Nothing wrong with wanting a good shag. Fair play I say!

MakeMisogynyAHateCrime · 22/11/2017 20:26

Meh my DH and I were friends with benefits for a while. It worked for us, we had high pressured degrees to work toward and shift work it was easier than finding a ONS to release frustrations with.

That said we have now been together 15 years and have a rabble of DC. So it didn't continue to work for us 😂

Julie8008 · 22/11/2017 20:30

I have never known a FWB arrangement to end well. One person always wants more

TBF If you read these threads you would be hard pressed to find a relationship/marriage that ends well. One person always wants more.

At least with a FwB, a good cry and your free to move on, there are no other ties. When relationships end its a lot messier x1000.

Glumglowworm · 22/11/2017 20:30

YABU

other people's sex lives do not affect you in the slightest. As long as your DP/DH/DW isn't friends with benefits with someone else, what does it matter what other people do?

I was friends with benefits with an ex for a while. We'd split up because we were both going through stuff and weren't working as a couple, but he was a genuinely lovely guy and we had mutual friends, and stayed friends. It sort of tailed off after a while naturally.

I don't think I'd do it now (ten years later), but I don't regret doing it then.

Coconutspongexo · 22/11/2017 20:32

It’s not a 20s thing - I didn’t realise how popular it was until I came on mumsnet and most people who have ‘FWB’ seem to be 35+

I’m in my 20s and never known anyone to have a FWB

I suppose it better than shagging around though and not everyone wants a relationship

Reflexella · 22/11/2017 20:34

Julie8008

Yes you are right! Relationships of any level rarely end nicely.

roconnell · 22/11/2017 20:38

I had one for a few months, approximately 100 years ago when I was 18 (sigh).
It was fun. Very fun. But YABVU to judge the sex lifes of consenting adults, why on earth would you care? Hmm

Redglitter · 22/11/2017 20:48

I don't want a relationship at present. Neither does he. If I did it wouldn't be with him though. We laid the ground rules from the start. He comes here once a week. We have sex then a coffee/lunch and he goes home.

I have the advantage of a regular and great sex life with someone who knows me and knows what I like. Rather than a ONS which would probably be rubbish

We've had our arrangement for several years now and nothing has changed. We're good friends who have regular sex.

We're both single consenting adults enjoying each other's company in private and involving/hurting no-one.

Can't see why that's vulgar or tacky

Skarossinkplunger · 22/11/2017 20:58

The thing is Pointythings, every thread like this his comes with judgement and sometimes religious overtones. What the op means to say is “sex is for a long term relationship, or preferably marriage and anyone who thinks differently is a slut. “

Single? You should be at home tightening your chastity belt and honing your wife work skills.