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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with SiL’s dogs this Xmas

169 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 22/11/2017 16:37

DH’s family have had a really tough year, and made a big deal of wanting us all to be together as a family this year. DH and I are very happy to go along with this, and have agreed to all the plans that have been put to us.

The only issue is that his DS is hosting the Christmas meal at her house, and she had two huge (and incredibly boisterous) dogs. Our 3yo DS isn’t afraid of them but he also isn’t keen, and often flinches if they come near him.

DSiL adores her dogs and treats them like human children (to the point where they have a place laid at the table for them on Xmas day), this is, of course, her business BUT it does mean that they are never shut away or disciplined - even when they knock over my DS and make him cry.

AIBU to ask v politely that they be sequestered if they upset DS on Xmas day? I have a feeling I am. We’re going to have to suck it up, aren’t we?

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 22/11/2017 22:32

The dogs have a place at the table? Wtaf?! I love mine, he’s my heart dog, but my god, he is told to get on and stay on his bed when there is food around or visitors that aren’t keen.

Lunde · 22/11/2017 22:37

no no no no no no no - No Way!

Drive 200 miles for two badly behaved dogs, who knock over dc, chew his presents, and sit at the dinner table with the humans?

It sounds like a nightmare! I'd stay home and have a lovely Christmas for your little family if ILs are not prepared to compromise at all for your dc's comfort and saftey,

FlowerPot1234 · 23/11/2017 09:48

I think Chrys2017 made a good point of encouraging your son to like animals and be around them. Just as we encourage our children to be sociable around people, to be comfortable in the car, to get used to food they initially don't like, to be polite and friendly to other children and adults they might initially be shy or uncomfortable with.

We don't feed such fears or difficult behaviours that would restrict their life and those around them, we work with the child to overcome them. This is no different.

I am also firmly of the belief - and this really is a basic etiquette point - that when one is invited to another's, and is having the generosity of being hosted, one treats one's host's home with respect, one adapts to their ways and means (e.g. the take your shoes off/slipper debate that always goes on), one returns the generosity with decent, polite behaviour. One does not demand our host change their set-up to revolve around us.

If you don't like it, don't go. But I think it would be far wiser outcome for you to take this as an opportunity for your child to learn and become more comfortable around dogs, and to build up his awareness of space, other moving objects and his own body and (you both) to recognise that the odd tumble is nothing to get worked up or upset about. Get up, laugh, say oops doggy watch out, and then bring the dog to be stroked and you could watch some wonderful bonding take place that will add such company and pleasure to your child.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/11/2017 10:02

I think flowerpot's post above says what I wanted to say much more eloquently.

Gemini69 · 23/11/2017 10:07

Don't go OP.. the pandering to two giant table fed dogs would be ridiculous Hmm

Chocolaterainbows · 23/11/2017 10:16

I wouldn't go and would enjoy a Christmas at home. My eldest son is petrified of most dogs as a family members Staffie went for him when he was a toddler. Whenever these family members come over they bring their dog, which is annoying. But the dog is left in the garden,not allowed in the house. My home my rules and my child's safety comes first.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/11/2017 10:25

Dogs are people. But they're not human people. It's not any fairer to the dogs than to the humans involved to treat them as though they were.

I used to have rather a lot of children and far too many dogs at the same time. I expected the same level of behaviour from both, ie consideration for others. It was necessary, however, for the dogs to understand that the children came before them in the pecking order, both because they could have done a lot more damage to a child than they would receive from one, and because it's hard to explain to a dog some of the finer details of social interaction. As with a very small child, you have to keep it simple.

Oh, and our dogs were not allowed at or on the table when we were eating. Their germs are not our germs, and some of our food is bad for them.

Gemini69 · 23/11/2017 10:37

personally... I wouldn't go because I LOATHE dog hair... I have a dog but she doesn't cast.. she get's regularly groomed and we adore her.. it's the Dog hair that would prevent me going lol sorry Grin

DancingOnParsnips · 23/11/2017 10:51

Haven't read the whole thread, but that's crazy. I'm a hugely doggy person but always keep our dogs away from visitors. I don't mind being covered in mud and drool but most do. As for the barmy table setting business...

I would say your son may hurt them, it ask that they are t least on a long lead away from him. Could he be allergic to them?

Lunde · 23/11/2017 11:23

Flowerpot - would you really be happy to eat your Christmas lunch with 2 dogs sitting up at the table?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 23/11/2017 11:25

I wouldn't shut my pets out/in a room for visitors tbh. They don't have to come.

Taylor22 · 23/11/2017 11:40

They aren't going to prioritise your son.

So give her the option either the dogs stay in another room or you stay home. In your home. Not MIL!

Whatever you've all been through does not justify putting your ASD son through this ridiculous farce.

You are his mother. The buck stops with you.

FlowerPot1234 · 23/11/2017 12:36

Lunde
Flowerpot - would you really be happy to eat your Christmas lunch with 2 dogs sitting up at the table?

I think it is one of those actions which is on par with dogs-in-handbags, dog weddings, stupid dog outfits, dog pampering sessions and mistaking a dog for human being. I don't think it's good for dogs to do that, I'm a bit of a fan of Cesar Milan and value greatly dogs and their companionship, but also realise they are canines.

But if my hosts wanted to do that, absolutely, I'd be happy to eat my Xmas lunch with that set up.

Why do you ask Lunde?

Itsonkyme · 23/11/2017 13:22

My dog is actually "my little girl" little Princess to be precise.
I know, I know Blush
But there is no way that I would allow her to terrorise a little nephew or accept him being bowled over.
This is so wrong.
Your Sil sounds very insensitive to anyone but herself and her dogs.
If you HAVE to go, just hover, very close to your boy, at all times. And be prepared to push the hounds away from him.

Your first duty, as you know, is to protect your boy!

Sarahh2014 · 23/11/2017 13:42

Could you say one of you has unfortunately developed a dog allergy? 😁

ZoopDragon · 23/11/2017 14:37

I wouldn't go unless the dogs were kept in a different room. There's no way I'd have large boisterous dogs knocking my three year old over! It's dangerous, unpleasant and you'll be tense all day. Your SIL needs to choose between having her nephew or her dogs at the table.

TheNoodlesIncident · 23/11/2017 14:51

I do think unfortunately you're going to have to decline this invitation, whether your SIL thinks she needs your support after a rough year or no. I understand you won't want to upset her - Christmas seems like a particularly special time of the year when ordinary mundane negatives are especially reviled: "But it's Christmas" like that trumps everything - but making some sort of excuse and staying away is all you can do.

The reason is that your ds needs to be protected from the unruly behaviour of untrained big dogs that are treated like babies (babied dogs are the most dangerous ones of all, regardless of size). Your own plan to get a dog yourselves will be much more effective in keeping your ds thinking "Dogs are a good thing" - especially if you are intending to ensure that it is very well trained indeed. (In fact, I wish training classes were mandatory to dog purchase, although I can't imagine how that could be enforced) If your ds gets the idea that dogs are equivalant to something to be very frightened of, it's going to be incredibly difficult to persuade him otherwise. People with autism are not known for their flexible thinking, and it's really worthwhile avoiding a fear develop in the first place.

You really have to put your ds first. Your SIL is going to prioritise her pets over your child, and you can't change that. You are your child's best advocate, and you will spend a lot of time and effort in securing the support that he needs in the future. Assertiveness will be your key strength (well, and knowledge, that's a biggie too), perhaps view this as some practice...?

Is this the SIL that referred to the dogs as "her boys" on FB or something similar?

IslingtonLou · 23/11/2017 14:52

Dogs AT the dinner table? Jesus

Isn’t she worried that they might cheekily scoff everyone else’s food and clear the table? Especially as they’re boisterous

midnightmisssuki · 23/11/2017 14:56

YANBU. And i say this as an owner of two dogs - smallish ones too. I always put them behind the stair gates when we have visitors with children, for the dogs safety and the children safety. If the children want to stroke them, i hold them and let them so it - but only supervised. Speak to SIL. Don't have a stressful christmas.

DarlesChickens61 · 23/11/2017 14:57

Dog lover here but dogs being allowed to eat at the table??? Just no! 😱

I don’t know the dogs or your ds but if you feel that uncomfortable about attending simply don’t go. Everyone on an Internet forum could agree with you but that won’t alter your SIL’s plans for a family Christmas - which obviously includes her dogs.

Chrys2017 · 23/11/2017 15:08

The dogs will be finished their Christmas dinner within 30 seconds and then no doubt will ask to be excused from the table. (:-) I don't know what some of you are making such a fuss about. Watching children eat is far more disgusting!

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 23/11/2017 16:34

TheNoodlesIncident You seem to know more about this situation than I’ve revealed on here, which concerns me... 😳

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 23/11/2017 16:37

Chrys2017 Dogs eating at the table is absolutely vile and if you think it's okay you have very, very poor hygiene standards.

(Oh, and since you seem confused, dogs can't ask to be excused because they can't talk... because they're only animals.)

MargaretCavendish · 23/11/2017 16:41

The concept of a 'joke' isn't an easy one for you, is it whattodo?

Justgivemesomepeace · 23/11/2017 16:41

There is no way i would sit at a dinner table with dogs. No chance.