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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with SiL’s dogs this Xmas

169 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 22/11/2017 16:37

DH’s family have had a really tough year, and made a big deal of wanting us all to be together as a family this year. DH and I are very happy to go along with this, and have agreed to all the plans that have been put to us.

The only issue is that his DS is hosting the Christmas meal at her house, and she had two huge (and incredibly boisterous) dogs. Our 3yo DS isn’t afraid of them but he also isn’t keen, and often flinches if they come near him.

DSiL adores her dogs and treats them like human children (to the point where they have a place laid at the table for them on Xmas day), this is, of course, her business BUT it does mean that they are never shut away or disciplined - even when they knock over my DS and make him cry.

AIBU to ask v politely that they be sequestered if they upset DS on Xmas day? I have a feeling I am. We’re going to have to suck it up, aren’t we?

OP posts:
DivisionBelle · 22/11/2017 18:41

“Either that, or... encourage your son to develop a love of animals. He probably gets his hesitation from you (where else would he get it from). Kids generally don't mind a bit of rough and tumble—why does he cry when they knock him over? Some would see this as a game.”

REALLY? Rough and tumble is mutual and consensual. Actually the OP states, in her OP, that the child is not afraid of the dog, even though it knocks down and makes him cry.

Perhaps he cries because he bangs his head, of lands with bump, or from shock and surprise because the dog charged from behind.

Talk about victim blaming Angry

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/11/2017 18:43

I’m very distrustful of people who treat others with such contempt

To some people it would also feel quite contemptuous to be a visitor in someone else's house and to start dictating their house rules, including around pets. Like all the people who say they should say SIL should be told she can't feed the dog at the table - would you go into someone's house and demand they cleaned their kitchen more thoroughly? Because it's a pretty similar thing.

happypoobum · 22/11/2017 18:46

I would just say that on reflection, you have decided to stay at home for Christmas from now on. No bloody way would I travel 200 miles with a young child with ASD when I knew their needs were going to be completely minimized in this way.

Maybe PILS can come to you next year (no dogs)

I am always amazed by the number of MNetters who think they have no option but to pack their DC into cars and drive around on motorways for most of Christmas.

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 18:47

Basically, I don't think OP will be able to change her SIL's attitude toward the dogs, and she cannot change the behaviour of the dogs either. All she can do in this situation is teach her son (and herself) to be comfortable around dogs, even boisterous and over-friendly dogs.

If the dogs are actually huge and jumping up on people, in a paws-on-shoulders kind of way, yes that is dangerous and they will probably badly injure someone one day. In that case OP and family should stay away from these dogs completely.

colleysmill · 22/11/2017 18:50

Similar situation a few years ago here although it was mil who was angling for an invite for Christmas at ours for her relative who was recently bereaved.

At one point mil was quite put out that relative couldn't bring the dog until I pointed out that:
a) there was nowhere really it could be separated from rowdy dc in our house other than upstairs (not good enough for relative)
b) the poor dog had never been around any dc so it would be super stressful for said dog

c) my dc had never had a dog and i couldnt be aure how well behaved theyd be around it (very toddler aged at the time)and d) I am really rather allergic to dogs and since I was cooking I needed to be well.

Mil ended up spending the day at hers and having the relative and the dog. Although it was the thought of stress on the dog thatvswung it.

Jenna43 · 22/11/2017 18:54

“Either that, or... encourage your son to develop a love of animals. He probably gets his hesitation from you (where else would he get it from). Kids generally don't mind a bit of rough and tumble—why does he cry when they knock him over? Some would see this as a game.”

^Bonkers!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/11/2017 18:56

Basically, I don't think OP will be able to change her SIL's attitude toward the dogs, and she cannot change the behaviour of the dogs either.

I agree, and I think unless she is going to keep them out the way the best bet is to just not go.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 22/11/2017 18:56

DS loves animals, and we’re seriously considering getting a family dog in a year or two. We have pets at home ourselves too. The issue isn’t really my DS not liking the dogs, it’s that the dogs are so young/poorly trained that they jump all over him (me, everyone...)

OP posts:
GerrytheBerry · 22/11/2017 18:57

I love dogs but I wouldn't sit at the table to eat with them it's gross tbh. And any normal person wouldn't let them, or expect visitors to eat alongside them!

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 19:07

lookingforthecorkscrew Your SIL should be concerned about the dogs jumping up on people. They need to be cured of this behaviour when they are young, or she will have a problem on her hands.

Holding your hands out towards the dog with palms flat (as if you're pushing him away without actually making contact) often works to discourage the dog from jumping up. I don't think you'd want to rely on that in this case though!

AfterSchoolWorry · 22/11/2017 19:15

to the point where they have a place laid at the table for them on Xmas day

I'd decline based on this alone and I'd tell her why.

That's revolting.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 22/11/2017 19:37

I grew up with huge dogs, as in if they stood up on their back legs, they'd be the same height and weight as a 6ft rugby player. A small child stands no chance if a dog of this size is being boisterous, and that kind of behaviour could easily give the child a phobia.

If the SiL is unwilling to respect the needs of a human family neighbour and allow a child (and their Christmas presents) to be put at risk by pets with no boundaries, then I would not be doing 200 mile journeys to visit. I'm sorry that the ILs have had a difficult year, but a child having a distressing Christmas or the risk of them coming to lasting harm (be it a phobia or injury) is not worth it.

DivisionBelle · 22/11/2017 19:43

“To some people it would also feel quite contemptuous to be a visitor in someone else's house and to start dictating their house rules, including around pets.”

Do you think it acceptable for a host to allow their big dogs to jump on and knock over toddlers?

Ok, people have a right to feed their dogs at the dinner table if they must, or to keep a filthy kitchen. That’s fine. Just don’t get offended when I reserve my right to decline the invitation.

paxillin · 22/11/2017 19:47

Surely Terrence your new pet rat should get his own place laid at the table.

MiddlingMum · 22/11/2017 20:12

Division I agree. Someone who lets their dogs sit at the table wouldn't have the sort of hygiene standards I'd want if I was to eat their food.

Nothing on earth would get me to spend Christmas Day in that situation.

WhoWants2Know · 22/11/2017 20:45

I love dogs. I love most fuzzy animals. But part of that love includes giving them clear boundaries and training to behave in socially acceptable ways and a safe space where they will feel comfortable if it’s not appropriate for them to be in the room with me.

Your in laws think they are showing love by treating the dogs like people. What they are actually doing is giving them very confusing signals about how to behave. When something unexpected happens, those poor dogs won’t be able to fall back on good habits gained from training. They’ll be left with their barest instinct, which is fight or flight.

This is how people get hurt.

How does one fit a late greyhound in the wardrobe? Is floella Mr. Burns? Is it a greyhound tuxedo?

Skittlesandbeer · 22/11/2017 20:54

I actually would bring a playpen along. Your DS might appreciate the extra protection at least for part of the day, especially if it stops his presents being eaten. It also underlines, for the rest of the family, how ridiculous SIL is being by insisting her dogs have full & free reign on the day. You can say ‘yes, it is ridiculous that a 3yo needs this, and it’ll only get more silly. He’ll likely be sitting in it at 9yo too, if he doesn’t want his presents eaten or to be randomly knocked over’.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/11/2017 21:12

Why should the humans be penned off?!

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2017 21:18

How many three-year olds would tolerate a playpen for the day?

My 18 month-old DGS wouldn't put up with that!

Greyhorses · 22/11/2017 21:24

I have two massive dogs and a toddler and still wouldn't subject someone else's child to them who isn't used to large dogs.

DS finds ours funny however I still shut them away whenever any children or people come round who may not like them as much as us.

I wouldn't go either OP.

Wolfiefan · 22/11/2017 21:33

Playpen? Appropriate for a crawling child maybe. Not a three year old.
If she keeps up the bonkers then I wouldn't go.

WhoWants2Know · 22/11/2017 21:39

Time for a strategic vomiting big that prevents your attendance. Yes.

gamerchick · 22/11/2017 21:44

What like ashes? Surely there isn’t this corpse wrapped up in the wardrobe?

OP I don’t even know what to advise because it’s quite simple for me. If nobody says anything then nothing will change.

No way I’d be sitting at a table set with a dogs place. Seriously revolting!

Handsfull13 · 22/11/2017 21:50

If your comfortable with going just for the meal I would go but say your going to leave afterwards as DC will want to play with their new toys and you don't want to risk him being knocked over or the dogs getting hold of the toys. Even if you fake a 'he currently isn't good with dogs, hopefully it's just a phase but for now we don't want to upset him too much' that's if you just want to keep it simple and non argumentative

HeteronormativeHaybales · 22/11/2017 21:51

Playpen? Shock

No, no, no. Don't go. Your ds deserves to have a safe happy Christmas without his presents being chewed and either being knocked over (or worse) by the dogs or being confined to a playpen!

Your SIL quite clearly isn't going to put your ds first. You need to do that. That's your job. He comes before dogs and before silly indulging of family.