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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to deal with SiL’s dogs this Xmas

169 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 22/11/2017 16:37

DH’s family have had a really tough year, and made a big deal of wanting us all to be together as a family this year. DH and I are very happy to go along with this, and have agreed to all the plans that have been put to us.

The only issue is that his DS is hosting the Christmas meal at her house, and she had two huge (and incredibly boisterous) dogs. Our 3yo DS isn’t afraid of them but he also isn’t keen, and often flinches if they come near him.

DSiL adores her dogs and treats them like human children (to the point where they have a place laid at the table for them on Xmas day), this is, of course, her business BUT it does mean that they are never shut away or disciplined - even when they knock over my DS and make him cry.

AIBU to ask v politely that they be sequestered if they upset DS on Xmas day? I have a feeling I am. We’re going to have to suck it up, aren’t we?

OP posts:
blueskydreams · 22/11/2017 17:59

I wonder how she would feel if you had 2 equally large dogs to whom you afforded the same status as human family members and if you insisted on bringing them

Christmas day could turn into a massive dog fight

diddl · 22/11/2017 18:00

Take food with you & have a safe dog free Christmas!

Perhaps you could pop over for an hr in the evening?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/11/2017 18:01

All the sneering at people who 'think their pets are people' makes me a bit sad, though. Obviously if it means you're not properly disciplining and controlling your dog that isn't far to either people or pets, but just considering the dogs to be part of the family is hardly pathological. Someone accused me of 'thinking your cats are babies' recently and it really upset me, because at least part of the reason we mollycoddle them so much is that we're really struggling to have children. We got the kitten after my third miscarriage and yes, he probably is a bit of a baby substitute. So if we're 'sad' and 'pathetic', I guess it's because we actually are sad.

WhoWants2Know · 22/11/2017 18:04

floella

Am I high? Did I read correctly that you have a dead greyhound in your cupboard?

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 18:06

Don't go. The dogs are her 'children' and she will accept no criticism or compromise, just like you won't with your child. (Would you put him in a room by himself or tie him up if he was upsetting the dogs?)

Either that, or... encourage your son to develop a love of animals. He probably gets his hesitation from you (where else would he get it from). Kids generally don't mind a bit of rough and tumble—why does he cry when they knock him over? Some would see this as a game.

Evelynismyspyname · 22/11/2017 18:07

There's no point in driving 200 miles to be shut into one room!

My children and I were once made to eat in my parents' garden under an awning because my sister's dog (which had bitten my toddler on a previous visit, within seconds of it entering a room he was playing on the floor in, running ahead of her, and without us even knowing she was coming over with it) was given run of my parents' entire large house. We had traveled from overseas in a visit planned months ahead, she had walked over from her house down the road. She even has children, but the dog ranks above absolutely everyone, and because she has a history of being fragile, and because my parents are also overwhelmingly sentimental about animals and no nonsense about children they go along with it.

It's a very difficult and utterly ridiculous situation, yet people who spoil their dogs are given huge amounts of understanding - equally spoilt children and precious parents get short shrift. It's a crazy double standard.

Is there any way you can stay at your in-laws house and not go to sil's?

Otherwise point out that if the dogs bite DS or harm him you'd hate SIL to have to cope with them being put down. Only you can't can you, because although this is true it challenges the delusion that the dogs are both somehow simultaneously human and above human rules/expectations, and incapable of doing harm.

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 18:10

What kind of dogs are they incidentally?

Evelynismyspyname · 22/11/2017 18:11

WhoWants she did say that! I think we all skilled over it due to an improbability filter or something! Floella please explain - taxidermy?

BMW6 · 22/11/2017 18:12

Don't go.

I want to know more about the dead dog in the wardrobe........Confused

Evelynismyspyname · 22/11/2017 18:15

Chrys would you see it as a game if two carnivorous horse sized animals knocked you over when you were busy with something unrelated? Or perhaps if two large men knocked you over while you were doing your shopping? Similar situation for the toddler and two very large dogs!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 22/11/2017 18:17

Is SiL the sort that everyone tiptoes around and no-one dares upset her?
'Cos I am a bit puzzled as to why this is an issue when you say that DH and MiL agree with you about the dogs being around.

I suspect this is like the debate between smokers and non-smokers - they can't both have what they want at the same time in the same place. If I were you I think I'd be rethinking going there at all. But it's your DH's problem to deal with, not yours on your own.

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 18:20

@Evelynismyspyname They will clearly have to be prepared to engage with the dogs if they are ever to visit these in-laws. Ignoring the dogs and going about your own business and hoping they ignore you is not going to be an option.

That's why I stated the options are either, don't go, or learn to engage with the dogs (including the child)—hence my question about what kind of dogs they are.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/11/2017 18:21

I think I’m going to get DH to have a kind word. Just in a ‘how is this going to work?’ way.

I've only just noticed this post on page 1 from OP. There's a lot of demonisation of SIL going on given that it turns out that no one has even tried to talk to her about it or explain that it just doesn't work having them in the same room. I'd give her a chance to react to that before assuming that she'll refuse to compromise.

Candlelight234 · 22/11/2017 18:21

Honestly it sounds like a recipe for trouble, I wouldn't go. Feeding the dogs from the table is just grim, and I say this as a pet owner.

ElephantsandTigers · 22/11/2017 18:24

Don't go to your MIL at all. If she wants to see you she needs to make her daughter see sense.

Shutupanddance1 · 22/11/2017 18:26

Sorry WTAF? Eh no - as someone who has a dog - you are definitely NBU.

What happens if the dog wants something on the toddlers plate? No no no no no.

If they want to have their day there, that's fine but on no uncertain circumstances would I put up with a dog at the dinner table with a child. Just no.

Evelynismyspyname · 22/11/2017 18:28

Chrys and yet you didn't answer the question about whether you'd think it was a game if two huge men knocked you over whilst doing your shopping. If there were men prone to doing that hanging about your town would you accept you'd have to engage with them and see it as a game? Why do you think the 3 year old has to learn to love being knocked over by huge dogs and to regard it as a game, rather than the dogs being trained not to do it or kept on leads?

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 18:32

Evelynismyspyname Because as far as the SIL is concerned, it is the dogs' house.
I know people like this and believe me, their attitude is "if you don't like the dogs and their behaviour or the way they are treated, don't come here". (Luckily I love dogs so I can still visit them!)

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 18:33

To answer your question, if I chose to go to the home of the two huge men knowing full well that they might knock me down, then that would be on me.

NoSquirrels · 22/11/2017 18:34

I'll preface this by saying that I have been keeping a dead greyhound in my wardrobe for almost eleven years through the birth of two children and three house moves.

Floella ... err, say WUT?

I'm boggling only one other poster has thought this remarkable...

I'm afraid I agree that dogs always treated as humans and an owner who'll not adapt to visitors is unlikely to be a good mix with a 3 year old on Christmas Day.

ExploryRory · 22/11/2017 18:35

I’m in agreement with others that if it was me, I wouldn’t go, and I’d tell her why too. Frankly she sounds mental! Who needs all that stess on Christmas Day? I’ve had to tell ex MiL that she is not to bring her snarly, badly behaved little darling dog to my house ever, under any circumstances. Now she doesn’t come. Bonus!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/11/2017 18:35

We have this exact problem. SIL’s for Xmas day and we have to put up with her enormous, slobbering, jumpy and vicious ‘fur babies’. They are the type to snap at you, and it makes me jump (dogs make me nervous) and SIL just laughs and says “he’s only saying hello” Hmm DH is ‘having words’ next time we see her, we have a almost 1yo and a 4yo whose safety and comfort I don’t want to be compromised. If she insists on having them eat dinner with us (boak) we’ll be having a Mexican feast at home Grin

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 18:36

I'd also like to know how this knocking-over happens. Is the toddler unsteady on his feet so he falls over if the dogs brush against him? Or are they actually jumping on him and knocking him down?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/11/2017 18:39

I think it’s a tremendous shame when people put the comfort of a dog above that of their actual human visiting family. I hate the “well it’s the dog’s house if you don’t like it leave” Hmm I’m very distrustful of people who treat others with such contempt

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/11/2017 18:40

But if SIL sees the dogs as like children, Evelyn then to her it's not like that, it's more like when a larger child plays too roughly, takes things away from, etc. a baby. Which happens all the time. And just as if your two year old made a one year old cry you wouldn't agree to lock them in a room alone for the next few hours, so too does SIL feel that way. I'm not saying it's right or reasonable, but that's how she probably sees it - with all the excuses the parent of that two year old would also make ('but he doesn't understand!' 'he was trying to play' 'he didn't mean to be rough, it's just that he's bigger and a one year old gets knocked over so easily')