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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how SAHM/Home makers keep their shit together?

312 replies

Emlou07 · 22/11/2017 11:11

Now I know I probably am being unreasonable, as I know I’m very lucky to be in a position where I am able to be at home with my children while my other half works. But 4 years in and I STILL haven’t worked out how to keep the kids happy, the house tidy, the washing done and everything else in order!

I am no domestic goddess and I’m starting to wonder if those who do it effortlessly are in to black magic or something! 🤔

OP posts:
thenewaveragebear1983 · 22/11/2017 20:23

Frege we do 'hurricane housework' in our house- set a 3 minute timer and put everything away. My 5yo Ds loves it. Makes a huge difference.

AutumnMadness · 22/11/2017 20:24

BlackeyedSusan, I agree, house configuration matters hugely.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2017 20:25

Wow EmilyChambers, you've got everything sorted, I'm absolutely impressed.

How long does it take you to cook a month of dinners? Shock

Tsundoku · 22/11/2017 20:26

I always feel like the brisk, little-and-often or highly organised way of hosework is best, but holy shit it wears me down - an endless hamster wheel of work which nobody even notices, until you stop. IMO this is the worst kind of work, and I once temped in a factory where we made plastic boxes that went inside other plastic boxes.

It's not particularly sensible, but I'm now heavily into crisis-led housekeeping. You just let it slide, doing the absolute bare minimum, telling yourself that grot is bohemian and posh; I bet Helena Bonham Carter's kitchen is a batshit mess of fingerpaintings, school books, cat hair and shrivelled conkers! (I'm sure it's actually very tidy.)

Then visitors are scheduled and you remember you were raised in a home where the dishcloth was bleached every night and your (single, working) mother hoovered daily. You get the horrors and clean all areas of the house simultanously, with the deranged hapless commitment of Withnail getting at the washing up. Then your guests arrive, and everything is nice for twelve hours, with everyone high on Zoflora fumes and people remarking on the cleanliness of your house, which you then you ignore as much as possible for about two weeks. Until the next great frenzy.

Tsundoku · 22/11/2017 20:31

Oh dear... hosework? Still probably more interesting than housework.

AutumnMadness · 22/11/2017 20:40

Tsundoku, I know exactly what you mean about relentless small tasks. I hate it too.

katienana · 22/11/2017 20:46

I prioritize the laundry, kitchen and bathroom. Typical day:
Get up at 6ish
Change ds2
Possibly make crumpets for ds's & tea for me
Put wash on/ hang out washing
Drink tea and check facebook/emails etc
7am give boys their cereal and get in the shower
7.10 clear breakfast things still in my towel, then go and dress
Get baby ready, badger ds2 to do teeth
Get ds2 dressed
Possibly play if all give smoothly
Leave at 8.30 school run
Back gone for 9
Either go straight out to shops/group/park etc or have day at home. Basically try to spend as much time playing as I can while needing to prep lunch, make beds, hoover, dust, change nappies, put clothes away, tidy bedrooms, wash up.
Am hampered by lack of tumble drier and dishwasher, just washing up must take at least 30 mins a day. I just try and to do something as often as poss and yes if I ever get it spotless stay out of the house!

fluffydogs · 22/11/2017 21:07

Get a massive toy box and just wang everything in there, a stair basket for things that need to go upstairs and empty it every night.
Put wash on a timer so you can get it out in the morning .
Get a cordless Dyson

EmilyChambers79 · 22/11/2017 21:09

How long does it take you to cook a month of dinners

This week I made a cottage pie, a chicken casserole and a Bolognese and a beef casserole. To prep it all about an hour because I use precut onions and peppers and microwave mash for the pie topping with added butter then just cutting the veg for the casserole. The rest is cooking time. It helps I've got a double oven so can cook two separate things in there plus a slow cooker and the hob. Cool it down, portion it up and freeze. We only use these meals three days a week. I have a second freezer too.

I had to do something, I was working full time then we had house stuff to do at weekends so I dropped two working days, started up on my own and then spent a good month trying to plan how to be organised!

Took a while to train the rest of the house too!

ferriswheel · 22/11/2017 21:12

Placemarking. I love threads like this.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/11/2017 21:56

The main difference I've noticed between myself and friends who have clean and tidy homes is that they actually clean and tidy

Grin so true ! But it takes so much time

MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2017 22:10

I find that freezeable stuff is not a reliable hit in my house, with the possible exception of bolognese. My kids seem to prefer pan-fried stuff e.g. salmon or chicken escalopes, or their current favourite: tuna melts.

Tortycat · 22/11/2017 22:11

This is making me feel so much better! Have dc aged 3 and 15 months. Work 2 days with long commute, dp works full time also long commute. Our house is a shit tip most of the time...

Large mostly open plan house, though not much storage as we cant agree how to do it, 1 acre garden that is also a little wild but takes dp hours just to mow, no family to help ever, and not enough disposable income for cleaner/ gardener. Recipe for mess.

If I'm honest i also cant be arsed spending my life tidying and cleaning. I envy your house emilychambers, but it sounds exhausting. I need to do something though as the mess does get me down a bit and i spend a lot of time looking for things. That said, we eat home cooked food, wear clean clothes and not descended into complete filth so it could be worse!

doleritedinosaur · 22/11/2017 22:28

I wash up every night after dinner as that seems to be the worst bit.

Currently in a house with no storage so have been buying bits at a time.

DS has a corner of the living room with his toys & he’s to tidy up if he gets loads out. Also got a big storage box for there as well.

A wash a day & I got a tumble dryer which has massively helped.

Meal plan every week & bake with toddler.

Also plan month’s activities so I know we’re getting out the house.

I try & do half hour’s of housework so a room/bits get done.

De-clutter is the way forward.

otherdoor · 23/11/2017 03:49

The main difference I've noticed between myself and friends who have clean and tidy homes is that they actually clean and tidy

This is so true! I don't think this gets enough acknowledgement to be honest. Some people my mother simply don't know how to not clean and tidy as they go, all the time. If they're watching TV, they do a pile of ironing at the same time. If the toddler naps, they clean the bathroom. If the kids are with the grandparents for the morning they hoover the whole house, etc.

I do find that when I'm on top of the cleaning it becomes less of a chore and I almost start to enjoy it. Or at the very least, it's a habit and not such a big deal.

Evelynismyspyname · 23/11/2017 06:26

I live abroad and there's a word which doesn't translate into English very well, for the work a parent does in nurturing and "raising" their children - it's the same word used instead of the word teacher for qualified early years (3-7 year old here) teachers. I do think that a good professional is doing part of the work of raising any child in their care for more than 3 or 4 hours per week.

To qualify to work with 3-7 year olds you study pedagogy, medicine, psychology, sociology, this untranslatable word meaning something like "nurturing and bringing up children", the national language, care, law, as well as cookery, "play", handicrafts with the slant on things like art as therapy as well as for development of motor skills, music, child development etc. A sahm is (whether they actively think if it or not) using all those areas of knowledge as best they can to "bring up" their child, and surely when choosing child care or an infant school a parent hopes the key person in charge of their child will be too!

If you put your child into school at 4, or child care at 7 months, the adult you entrust your child to had better be doing some raising of your child! If not your child is only being raised in the evening and at weekends...

I've heard people claim that it's better for children to go to nursery than be home with a parent til age 3 or 4, and then claim nursery doesn't contribute to raising their child... The two things don't add up.

Really some people try to have it all ways to make themselves feel superior, or indeed just to live with themselves.

NataliaOsipova · 23/11/2017 07:40

Put the children in the garden most of the time they are home.

I am in awe of the pp who came up with this. This is genius. Why, oh, why didn't I think of this years ago? If I could get a Sky Sports connection in th garden I could put my DH out there as well. Cue no dirty coffee cups lying around, no empty Petit Filous pots and Sylvanian Families to fall over....and a lovely tidy house. Going to work on this today!!

NataliaOsipova · 23/11/2017 07:50

Similarly schools don’t raise the kids of sahm either. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

But they do - to some extent, anyway. They must do, surely? They're there for such a big chunk of time that the values and habits of that institution do have a huge impact on them. That's why people put so much time and effort into choosing the right school for their children.

Emlou07 · 23/11/2017 08:16

I think nurseries and schools definitely play a part in raising children. Of course they do. They teach things that we may not necessarily teach at home. They learn a lot at school that they can't learn at home etc

OP posts:
littleducks · 23/11/2017 08:49

Ooh looks like tipped got a hard time. I think when your kids are little it's hard to imagine what it's like with older ones. The idea of coming home to a house as immaculate as you left it doesnt work so well once yoit kids are old enough to be home alone so for example:

"Big difference looking after a house with a child(ren) in it all day and a house that's been empty all day if you're out working."

That's only true for preschoolers not necessarily if they are older. When I'm out at work one of mine is in nursery mess making but two of mine are home more hours than me as the school day is much shorter than work plus commute day. Plenty of potential for mess making

Frazzled2207 · 23/11/2017 09:13

Following with interest. Recently became a sahm to 2 and 4 yos and have failed to crack it thus far.

Frazzled2207 · 23/11/2017 09:15

Op I also feel “lucky” but that does not mean I think people who work are unlucky. In fact I am in awe of people who manage to deal with kids and a proper career at the same time - I couldn’t Blush

katiethekittenfreddythefrog · 23/11/2017 09:50

Of course schools and nurseries play a part in raising children! It's ludicrous to suggest otherwise If I was a working mum and my child's nursery didn't I'd want my money back! What do try do then, just supervise them?

Do they keep them clean and fed? Do they teach them manners and social skills? Do they play with them and educate them? Do they cuddle them when they cry? (not older school children obviously) All for 6-9 hours a day? Because that's all raising a child. That's what SAHMs are doing (as well as a whole lot else, 24/7) while working mothers are out at work.

blackheartsgirl · 23/11/2017 10:49

I do all this while working full time. My house is never clean and tidy as there are up to 8 people living here. Shift workers as well which means there’s someone in the house at all times and they’re all lazy fuckers Angry

I’d love to be a sahm again, my house was spotless and I was a lot less stressed (although I do appreciate it was hard with a baby and a preschooler)

Haudyerwheesht · 23/11/2017 12:27

@blackheartsgirl but why on earth would you put up with that?