To wonder how SAHM/Home makers keep their shit together?

[Emlou07]

Now I know I probably am being unreasonable, as I know I’m very lucky to be in a position where I am able to be at home with my children while my other half works. But 4 years in and I STILL haven’t worked out how to keep the kids happy, the house tidy, the washing done and everything else in order!

I am no domestic goddess and I’m starting to wonder if those who do it effortlessly are in to black magic or something! 🤔

@DumbledoresPensieve

You work, you're neglecting your kids. You stay at home, you've taken the easy option.. & obviously stay at home mums sit on their bums all day!

You can't win & You definitely can't please everyone!

having a nanny at home and working though, means the kids are in the house still making it untidier than if they were out in school/nursery/afterschool club, thus some of the mess of being home all day and not being there to do anything about it.

though given the chaos we leave behind in the process of getting out the house, I am not sure wohp do have it tidier, and they probably have to leave earlier or arrive back later and are not home to tidy in the day....

Sorry, ladies, please don't lynch me, what I am about to say is not intended to denigrate SAHMs. (I could not give a rat's tail who does what with their lives).

I get that looking after children is a job (I have been on maternity leave twice), but most housekeeping can surely be done alongside it, no? When I was on maternity leave, I did housework and DIY. Now I am working full time, I do the same housework but no longer have time for much extra. I run around like a blue-arsed fly in the morning before school/nursery run and work unloading dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen, feeding kids breakfast, ironing uniform, loading/hanging/folding laundry, etc. If I were a SAHM, I would do the bare minimum, have my coffee and spread the tasks out through the day as opposed to compressing them in 40 minutes before I have to be out of the door. Same in the evening - I come through the door and clean, cook, wash, do homework, play with my children, do baths and bedtimes.

From my experience, the keys to housework in any situation are:

1. Reasonably spacious home.
2. Lots of storage.
3. Having only shit you need and use.
4. Having this shit organised (everything had a place).
5. A room/basement where you can chuck shit that you cannot deal with now but don't want to look at really helps.
6. And a routine - doing same basic shit every day at the same time. It's blood-sapping, but the only way to keep on top of it.
7. And if you can afford a cleaner, get one. He/she will not do your cooking or laundry, but at least you won't worry about scrubbing the bath any more.

Disclaimer: my house is not perfect, but under control

Just because you have an opinion on something doesn’t mean you should voice it at every opportunity. There’s a time and a place. You even admit yourself that your response was off topic. You knew op wasn’t going to like what you said, I call goady fucker.

Call what you like.

I would but I’d probably get banned and despite people like you lurking on almost every thread I quite like it here.

Blackeyed Susan, the nanny should clean up any mess the children make- it's part of the job. (Not general cleaning though, sure.)

If you do sahm properly then I have no doubt that things will be relentless as you would be a cleaner / cook / nursery nurse / teacher all at once (then a move to housekeeper when kids go to school). But lets be honest we’re all human, and most sahm don’t do it properly. Most sahm who focus on housekeeping have bored kids, and most who focus on entertaining or educating the kids have messy homes.

Focus on what you want to do. If that means going to work (even part time) then do it. Contrary to the snotty ill informed posts here, nannies and childminders and nurseries don’t raise kids they just look after them while the parents are at work.

TBH I dont think being a SAHM is an easy option, did it for a bit, I am now a WAHM, think you need to be very comfortable with not earning if you are a SAHM, I found this really difficult personally. Also whilst work is challenging and colleagues, bosses can be difficult etc, you will never really feel thanked for doing the lions share of all the domesic work. Never easy, everyone's situation and dynamic is so different and you can never win. Also, few people have their shit together. I work from home but do quite a lot of work outside the home, sorry know that doesn't make sense, but I am pretty much always working when the kids are at school and often do bits at the evening and during the weekend. I agree with the rule about putting a wash on every morning, then it goes in the dryer at some point during the day and is put away later. I no longer iron, I don't cook from scratch all the time cause the kids have a lot on/are fussy. I do clean and tidy quite a lot and really try and keep things reasonable. Online food shopping helps, I find Iceland particularly good as you get free delivery if you spend £35 or more and can get cashback with Quidco. TBH feel as though I am not doing my job properly, in my heart I should be cooking wholesome meals every day and ironing but there just isn't time. Football for the boys takes up most of every Sunday, we rarely have an abundance of time. Bringing money in now the kids are getting older is more important overall as there always seem to be extras to pay out for.

@AutumnMadness - I think it can definitely be done. I'm the first to admit that my time management is absolutely shocking.

We also have very little storage space. Girls have too many clothes and toys that our house looks like a mixture of primark on a bad day and a break in at toys r us!

My other half works and then comes home and puts the girls to bed. Literally everything else is left to me. So not yes I may be a 'kept woman' but I guess you could say he is also a 'kept man' as he doesn't have to cook, clean, shop, do washing, lunches, etc. I have no issues, our family life is fine!

It's just the balance of everything I struggle with. My children are 4 and 2.5. The 4 year old isn't in school yet and the 2 year old isn't in nursery until January. By that time I'm hoping with them both gone for a few hours a day I can blitz.

I also weigh up the 'should we go out or tidy the mess from yesterday'. Usually going out wins as I feel bad for the girls and then the mess is left and the mess from that night just gets added on top.

My house isn't dirty, just messy.

Not an excuse, but I also suffer from SAD. So the gloomy weather REALLY puts a downer on my motivation!

Yep @Emlou07 us SAHMs are just lazy witches who sit in the sofa all day drinking coffee, eating cake and watching daytime TV while our big strong men are out earning money for us to fritter away getting our nails done and buying the children the latest fad toy to keep the pesky little things from disturbing our nice easy days.

Ahahahahah. I wish!

Funnily enough - and I know you were joking - I don't think for a minute working mums neglect their kids/fail to raise them themselves. I have a lot of admiration and respect for working mums. For all mums really, being a parent is bloody hard work. Shame (in general) it's not reciprocated.

Chocolate - tbh if I went back to work anything I earned would make no difference anyway. This is why many women don't return to work. I doubt I would feel more "independent" with a job. I would just feel more stressed and have less energy for everything else.

@Chocolaterainbows

It's not that I didn't like it. It was just unnecessary. You felt the need to belittle me and assumed I was dependent because I have an 'allowance' without knowing a thing about my financial situation.

I could have bitten back and 'assumed' that you were bitter that I have a disposable income that I don't 'work' for. But who am I to assume?

& yes, everyone has an opinion.. But everyone also has an arsehole...

@DumbledoresPensieve - I have absolute respect for any woman/mother that manages to hold down a full time/part time job and a home. It's hard enough trying to do just one, let alone both!

People seem to like to judge everyone these days

I think till kids are all over 5 there is no hope and anyone who says otherwise is a control freak - lol

RavingRoo, it's ok. :) The nursery staff do raise my children when I am at work. And I am grateful to them. They are doing an ace job.

@autumn - no they really don’t raise kids when parents are at work. Similarly schools don’t raise the kids of sahm either. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

Emlou07, you only have 2 years to go until both kids are at school and you can be a lady who lunches! Yey! Just ignore the mess for 2 more years. When the kids are 18 you won't remember it. :)

I'm actually intrigued as to what job chocolate does so as to never need any external childcare, no nanny or grandparents to help ever with the children? Because there aren't many out there. Presumably you either work from home within school hours, or in a school hours role outside of home, but not everyone can do that or there'd be no teachers, doctors, fire service, police, shops etc etc. So you are very lucky to have either found or created (ie own business) a role which allows you to do this. I'm a sahm and I still need occasional childcare, for example dd needs 3 teeth removed to have her brace fitted, and I've had to reschedule twice because I cannot find someone to have my Ds and I cannot really take him with me (as he is 2, and it's not really fair on dd or the dentist to have him rattling around). I don't think you said how many/how old the dc are, but it's quite amazing that you have never needed any form of childcare, ever.

It's horrible to judge other parents on their, what appear to be, well thought out and informed choices. Both options are hard. Not everyone has complete agency to make the choices that suit them 100%, and as a parent I have chosen to give up lots of things because it's best for my children. Whether that's work is actually irrelevant. It's a sign of modern life that we have these choices, Dh has had to increase his hours as a result and we, as a family, deal with our need for money vs our need for childcare. It's really no one else's business.

As for the op what was that again??! Most of the sahm I know don't really have their shit together completely. I still forget stuff for school, I still don't have an immaculate house, I don't always do enriching and educational activities with the dc. We just do our best don't we?

My DH would say his school raised him because he boarded from 7

The only reason schools don't "raise" DC is because the kids switch teacher every hour or so and there are too many kids to develop a bond. But I do know nannies who effectively raise the kids. The parents will never grasp this though because they have no concept of what is involved day to day, minute-to-minute. How would you know if you never did it?

Roo, I am sort of "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality. The nursery and school are my village. Just like me, they teach my children manners, sharing, how to manage their emotions, how to communicate. And of course to read, write, count and think. All these things are "raising" for me. I was also raised to a large extent by non-family and can point to individual teachers who made a massive difference to my life. I raise my kids when they are at home, "the village" does when I am not.

Timer cleaning changed my life. Pick a room, set timer for 30 mins then get it all done. If you finish before the timer, start on the next room. I do up stairs on one day, downstairs on the other day. I work three days and then my own business is about 30 hours a month on top.

Things like cleaning and tidying at you go make a huge difference. I often clean the bathroom while the bath is running. I clean the cupboard fronts in the kitchen while the kettle boils. I never leave a room without seeing if there's anything else I can take to its home and I never let clutter build up on the stairs.

DS has a box in his room. He keeps his room tidy and I do a proper clean once a week. Anything out of place I put on the box. If it's there by the next big clean then it gets binned. DS knows he's to put it back and does it now.

White wash done on a Wednesday, Darks/colours done on a Friday. Bedding, towels etc done on a Saturday every two weeks.

Meals for the freezer are all cooked on a Monday, labelled and Frozen. We use these on my working days so I do a months worth at a time. Also meal plan so everyone knows what is for dinner. I have a 5 week rotating menu.

I deep clean every two months. My next deep clean is next weekend, ready for Christmas.

Food shopping is always online so I can do it in bed of a night.

once a month, I also pick a room and do a quick cull of things no longer needed, clothes that don't fit etc. It either gets donated, sold or recycled.

It's taken about a year to get on top but now it runs that well if I miss a day etc,not makes no difference.

I've also drummed into DS that we all live in the house so we are all responsible for the cleaning, washing and tidying and he empties the dishwasher, can load the washer and start it and hang the clothes up after.

EmilyChambers, I want to be you Timer cleaning and the box for things out of place are both great ideas.

@MrsFrisbyMouse that's exactly what I wanted to say. I say I am lucky to be a SAHP (mostly, I work part time roughly 10 -12 hrs a week) because we are in a position where DH earns enough to pay the mortgage so I can be at home whereas I know some people who want to be at home and simply cannot afford it. Equally though, I couldn't actually afford to return to work because of high travel costs and childcare etc so in some ways I am jealous of my friends who got to continue their career. DH and I discussed who would stay at home when I was pregnant and it made more sense for me to, and I was happy to.

But yes, its so hard to keep on top of it - even being at home making my own breakfast and lunch means extra washing up without all the mess DS makes!

He's at preschool 6 hours a week now so I catch up with cleaning then! And the rest I do when I snatch time!

I did all sorts while they were babies. (actually while ds was a baby, as dd was a tricky baby) decorated the living room etc. It is when they get mobile it gets tricky. comparing maternity leave with a baby, and looking after toddlers... two different things.

dd was a dream toddler she would sit and play in the high chair for an hour while I wallpapered and ds was sleeping. then all hell broke loose...

a friend has a larder nearly as big as my kitchen so can put all the shopping inthere til ready to unpack. I bring the bags in and it clutters up the whole kitchen until they are put away.

her kitchen is full of cupboards. they have so much stuff but as they have a lot of cupboards it is easier to put stuff away, though she probably walks a lot further!

they have double the number and size of bedrooms so have more storage for toys. kids still make a mess though. and there is a bigger area to get stuff scattered over. and more space to hoover.

they have a playroom so lots of craft stuff and toys go in there.

they have a utility room, and a mud room, therefore are not storing the recycling and scooters and school bags in a small hallway.

she does have more bathrooms to clean though. 1 is enough.