To wonder how SAHM/Home makers keep their shit together?

[Emlou07]

Now I know I probably am being unreasonable, as I know I’m very lucky to be in a position where I am able to be at home with my children while my other half works. But 4 years in and I STILL haven’t worked out how to keep the kids happy, the house tidy, the washing done and everything else in order!

I am no domestic goddess and I’m starting to wonder if those who do it effortlessly are in to black magic or something! 🤔

DeleteOrDecay

It’s either sour grapes or a superiority complex - some people just can’t resist putting sahm’s in their place. Very tiresome.

I think it’s more a case of independent women abhorring the fact that certain other women are content with an “allowance” when the world of work is so much more stimulating.

@Crumbs1 I'm so envious of your utility room and tumbler drier! I don't have either, so in the winter all the clothes go on the radiators for drying. I would also love a play room, but don't have that luxury either.

@Emlou07 I've been a SAHM for almost 4 years now (two children aged 6 and 3). The way I see it is it's like any other job; you have good days and bad. On the good days I have lots of energy and blitz the house, or I spend it with mates and feel lucky (I know what you mean, and think everyone does; some are just being picky and goady for the sake of it).

Other days, I feel overwhelmed, like the house is always a mess, I get bored and wish I went to work instead. But you've gotta take the rough with the smooth.

My tips, like others have said, are routine, never leave a room empty handed, and make sure your dh does his fair share! Mine works 40hrs a week outside of the home, but as soon as he's through the door he's playing with the kids. As I do all the food shopping and cooking, he does all the washing up (obvs I do the daytime stuff as I go), baths the kids, vacuums, does laundry and ironing etc

I stick the dishwasher on every night, and usually put a load of washing on an 8hr time delay so it's ready to hang in the morning while the kettle is boiling or something.

Oh, having a cordless vac has helped immensely too! Ours only works for 7 mins on Max mode, so I do that once or twice a day (usually when I've just made a brew and am waiting for it to cool down enough to drink ).

Don’t have more stuff than you have storage. Little and often, do the absolute essentials every day, keep surfaces clear of paperwork, toys etc. I invite friends round often so my house is always at a reasonable standard of tidiness.
Very few people have a spotless house and as long as it’s clean and tidyish then does it really matter?

Jesus. Why does every thread like this have to descend into SAHMs v working mums? It's all BF v bottlefeeding, BLW v traditional, co-sleepers v cot babies all over again. All stupid, shitty ways in which women seem to actively want to pit themselves against each other. Let's save the vitriol for those bastards who don't bother to look after their kids at all, or abuse them, or neglect them hey?

To be fair to the OP this post is specifically about SAHMS so I don't even know why working mums are bothering to comment (unless they have been a SAHM and have experience to share) unless it's just to be nasty.

Those who are saying 'I could be a SAHM but I choose to work and I'm proud of that' - good for you! So could I. But I don't want to. I want to be at home to raise my children myself. And I'm proud of that.

OP our set up is similar to yours - works well for us.

I think it’s more a case of independent women abhorring the fact that certain other women are content with an “allowance” when the world of work is so much more stimulating.

Then "superiority complex" covers it well.

Let's be honest, chocolate's post served no other purpose than to make the OP - a random stranger on the internet who she knows next-to-nothing about - feel small. I don't understand that impulse.

I think it’s more a case of independent women abhorring the fact that certain other women are content with an “allowance” when the world of work is so much more stimulating.

Fair enough but this isn’t really the thread for it is it? Op was asking for advice, not a lecture and sneers about her families arrangement.

So tiresome how threads like this always end up going south. It was a simple question for goodness sake.

no doubt the world of work is more stimulating for some. But I'm not going to work for 35 hours in a grotty men's prison (my previous workplace) full of drugs and voiolence, and then negating all my wages paying a childminder to raise my children, full time kids clubs in holidays for 3 dc, a cleaner (10 hours a week was suggested up thread???). And what about the millions of mothers whose work is not mentally stimulating.

Op, I also feel lucky. I get to spend every day with the most amazing people on earth. Your op was about how to keep your 'shit together'- well that's how. These days are so short and they are so valuable to your children. Enjoy them.

(And I don't even get an allowance. I live on £20 a week that I earn myself tutoring. Dh pays all my direct debits. Kids purchases and other expenses come from our joint account. If I want clothes or non essential items then I save for them or have them for birthday or Christmas)

My children are raised by my husband and I, nobody else involved. No nanny's, no help from family members. No cleaners to help with my house. Just being organised. It is possible. Just feel like we keep getting transported back to the 1950S. Makes me angry and sad all at the same time.

@chocolaterainbows

But what’s the issue if whoever is okay with being a ‘kept woman’?

Would you feel the same if my OH stayed at home and I worked? Surely that would make it ‘modern’

Yes, it’s all very well “the days are long and the years are short”, “you won’t get this time back”, “you are lucky to be able to be at home with the kids”. These are my mantras and I chant them in my head all day. The fact is that, as the OP said (with her lovely hugs) it is RELENTLESS.

What’s the point of nitpicking about how people arrange their finances? Surely the whole point of threads like this is to actually be a bit supportive? There have been some lovely messages and some good ideas. And lots of solidarity, which has certainly made me feel better (washing out of the machine and into a basket, which is step one!!)

And did your 17.43 post make you feel better chocolate? Did it alleviate your sadness and anger?

It wouldn't matter if it was a man or a woman. I would still feel the same. Probably stems from childhood. I am sorry that I have derailed your thread. Organisation is the key, so is little and often.

chocolate that’s good that it works for you guys. At the moment we are in the same situation. The children are growing and thriving, the house is.....fairly hygienic, the bills are being paid.

I am MISERABLE. I am equally as important as anyone else in the family.

Mrsfrumble

I am neither sad or angry in the way you are implying. How are you feeling??

I was thinking this myself today!
I see pics of pristine houses and mine looks like a tornado been through it by 3.10 🙈

I'm fine thanks. Just trying to understand the purpose of posts like the one you made at 17.43.

That would have been the boasting thread from the op about not having to work and making other posters cringe. Whilst stating she was having an allowance from her husband. Didn't sit well.

I would say far from going back to the 1950s SAHMs who are doing it by choice rather than necessity are actually bucking the modern trend. It's more frowned upon to be a SAHM than it ever has been before. It's the modern way that women go to work and raise their families. I personally do not know many SAHMS - 95% of the mums I know work at least part time.

People often assume when meeting me that I'm a SAHM because it wouldn't be worth me working due to the cost of childcare. Not true. I was on 45k when I stopped working, even with my child in good quality full time childcare in an expensive area of the county we'd be far better off financially. But for me, the extra money isn't worth missing out on the early years. Not when we can manage perfectly well on one income.

Dumbledores I don't think it's frowned upon by other mums so much as this poxy government who have gone out their way to make that impossible for many. As a result there are likely to be thousands and thousands of women in work right now who would rather be at home with their DC. I think it's all gone way too far the other way and women have less choice than ever.

Claiming that FT working mums do what SAHMs do, plus a job, is one of the thickest things I've ever read on here. Presumably those posters would agree that being a FT nanny is a job, not something people fit in in their spare time? That's what SAHMs are doing that you're not doing.

Presumably you'd also agree that fathers bear half the responsibility for looking after their kids? I don't see whether it particularly matters how a couple split the twin requirements of earning money and childcare (if it works for them)- whether everything is split evenly or one person takes on all the earning and the other all the weekday childcare. Sneering at women who look after children all day for sharing money earned by their partners is dim-witted and misogynistic af.

@rubberducker, thanks, I have just found the organised mum and will follow her .

OP, my kids are a bit older and I am not a SAHM so no words of wisdom I’m afraid but I try to follow the Flylady method. Again, it advises little and often. We have a lovely thread here if you want to join.

I don’t think I’ve ever fully got over how much mess having children in the house can make! It amazes me.

@chocolaterainbows

I wan't boasting. I didn't mention it in my original post so it didn't seem boasty. They were cringing at me saying I felt lucky. Have you even read the thread?

Who give a flying if it doesn't sit well with you. Was there even any need to comment?

@Mamabear4180 I don't disagree fully with your point actually. I think attitudes have changed - because lots (perhaps the majority) of women now can't do it for the reasons you've said even if they'd like to its seemingly ok to be a bit sneery to those that can.

Other mums who work are often funny about SAHMs in my own experience. I've lost count of the number of snotty comments and thinly veiled digs I've had about not working - taking the 'easy option', being a 'kept woman' how nice it must be to just 'sit at home all day' (because that what SAHMs do!🙄) . I know people who are rude about working mums too so it does go both ways. The way it comes across to me is that it's fine to criticise SAHMs because their lives are sooo easy but not the other way round. SAHMs are also not allowed to ever moan, they should just always think themselves lucky. People moan about their jobs all the time but woe betide you if you have a whinge about a shitty day at home.

Really, no one should be criticising anyone for their life choices.

When I left work 14 years ago I was on £40-£45 K. DH and always just put everything in a joint account, but he earned more than me so my money wasn't very visible anyway. We had four DC with 2 year gaps which meant almost 10 years of at least one preschooler with me at all times (apart from the odd morning at a playgroup when they turned 3). As far as DH was concerned, I was not at home to do cleaning because taking care of 4 kids is enough. Plus he's often away with work. There is no point in me going back to work now as he has made a certain level of money and anything I could earn would be insignificant. We have no concept of "his" money and "my" money and never did. 80% of my friends are long-term SAHM for similar reasons and nearly everyone has a cleaner. If you can get one OP, it would stop you feeling the house was on top of you.

Emlou07

Yes, I have read the post. I gave an opinion, slightly off topic, but it was my opinion. Which is what happens when you post on a public forum. You don't have to like it, which you obviously don't.