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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a condom in boyfriends jeans pocket

661 replies

bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 08:54

I've just been through the laundry basket to put a load of washing on and found an unopened condom in the pocket of my boyfriends jeans.

We don't use condoms.

Aibu to think there could be a perfectly innocent reason for it being there??

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 22/11/2017 13:52

Tidy wank 😷 grim!!!

It doesn’t look good. Can you get his phone before confronting him if there is more proof he is up to no good it’s likely on there.

Original poster
bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 13:53

He doesn't use them for a tidy wank, I'm sure of that!

OP posts:
FlouncyDoves · 22/11/2017 13:53

Right. Log out of Mumsnet. Put your phone down. Go out for an hour (walk/shop whatever). Then just ask him when he gets home.

You sitting there creating convoluted plans to discover the condom in front of him, getting all whipped up and carried along by everyone on here (who can say what they like because it’s anonymous) won’t help you at all.

He’s just as easily been given it by a mate/carries one to give a mate on a night out/picked it up off the floor and forgot to put it in a bin etc as he is to screwing some other woman.

Just stop replaying the worst possible scenario in your mind.

Duvetlover · 22/11/2017 13:56

Yup- sounds like a good idea- you are supposed to be on a days annual leave so go do something nice for yourself- a walk to local market/ nice coffee shop/ beach might be lovely. Take something back for you day. I hope things work out for you later x

Original poster
bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 13:57

He comes home from work dirty every day as he's a labourer so he goes in the shower straight away - he leaves his phone on the table in the living room so I could have a look before I mention the condom.

But I feel like checking his phone is really crossing a line. I've already checked his tablet and his things. I don't think I can go through his phone.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 22/11/2017 13:58

So he's cheating / planning on cheating & is careful enough to delete all traces of his internet history and log out of facebook, but he's not smart enough to remove a condom from his jeans pocket? Hmm
OP, don't get wound up by all the posters who've decided he's a cheat - they've probably been cheated on in the past and now hate all men / any woman who might be in a decent relationship. Think about what he's like, how he's been with you and approach him willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's your life this involves, not the posters urging you to kick him out this afternoon before he's even got home.

Mulch · 22/11/2017 14:02

Not good I don't know what could be a plausible explanation

alphajuliet123 · 22/11/2017 14:03

I think, when he's home and you "find" the condom, keep it from view and first up ask him when he last wore those jeans. At least then you have got that question answered in case the shit hits the fan.

Startingoveragain26 · 22/11/2017 14:08

When you do confront him and when he give you an explanation ask him if he has anymore, if he says no you know he’s lying!

roomsonfire · 22/11/2017 14:13

OP, I knew my ex for a year before we got together. Then I discovered he was married. He had set up separate FB accounts the lot to hide he was still married.

When PPs say you really dont know someone after 6mths they're right you dont. I knew mine for a year as a friend so no damn reason to hide the fact he was a married man but he did.

Tread carefully. Study his reactions. They will give you more answers than you could know and the truth is a man will tell you who he is we just dont always 'listen'

ForagingForFaerieGold · 22/11/2017 14:13

Ok. On the face of it, it looks dodgy but if he is cheating I'm having trouble, based on your posts, seeing how he's managing it. According to you, aside from working, he's rarely out of your sight. And the jeans in question are not worn at work so why would he keep a condom for use during those hours in them? It doesn't add up. The deleted history is probably nothing more sinister than him getting rid of any evidence of his porn usage. Was he living with a parent before you? Maybe he set it that way some time ago.
It's just barely possible he slipped up on his night out. But based on what you've said, even if he did, I would bet that's the extent of it. Not that that would be ok, only you can decide if you could forgive him for that.
IF he did. Agree with other posters, his reaction will tell you. He's not coming across as particularly Machiavellian so he's likely to show guilt if he has reason to. Good luck

f83mx · 22/11/2017 14:16

I'm with Nikephorus

BadTasteFlump · 22/11/2017 14:18

Stay strong OP Flowers

I'm hoping for a happy outcome for you but I don't know what that would be - personally I find it strange that somebody cheating on their partner would leave condoms lying around (in a drawer in your house, as well as in his jeans?). Surely they would make more effort to hide the evidence?
But I don't know what other explanation there can be.

Mustang27 · 22/11/2017 14:18

Iv never been cheated on fortunately and I’m quite fond of the male species but I do think given the condom I’d want some solid proof before confronting so that if there is something going on and she confronts and he denies it without the extra proof which might not exist, he will absolutely wipe any evidence for sure and she will be at risk of being gaslighted. Which doesn’t sound fun.

I’d near more than a condom as proof that he was up to no good but I’d also need more than an unused condom and his word that he wasn’t.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/11/2017 14:19

Fuck it - check that phone!
1st look at Battery - and see which apps he uses.
Then take it from there.
HE'S seems to have crossed a bit fat line.
It feels wrong and you will be shaking looking through it.
But the fact he's covering his tracks might mean he's covered them on his phone as well.
That's why checking % usage on the battery is the 1st port of call.

LondonAnne5 · 22/11/2017 14:21

OP, my OH moved in with me and we also don't use condoms. We went together to be tested 3 years ago when we got together and I have the coil fitted. I get tested every 6 months also just to be sure. My OH had condoms in his underwear drawer of his old flat before he moved in with me, put them in a box and moved them across to ours. When I asked him what they were for he said "oh I didn't even think" and threw them away. Maybe your OH hasn't thought about it and just popped them in there when moving over? I case you ever did want to use a condom? All my ex boyfriends has condoms somewhere in a drawer (we used to use them however) so I just it's just a "thing" for a man to do if you've only just got together or are only using condoms, to keep them a short distance away. However I can't get my head around the one in the pocket? Yes they could be old jeans but like you say men keep things in their pockets so he would definitely have known it was in there by putting hands in pocket. But then I also think it's very brazen to just leave in your pocket if you were going to DTD with someone else then throw the jeans in the wash! I'm sure a cheat would want to cover all tracks and make sure it was rid of, or at least hidden better. I'm hoping the best for you OP, I would definitely wait until he's home. Don't text or call. It will be written on his face. X

Lovelylovelyladies · 22/11/2017 14:25

I reckon they are old jeans, he has been in his pockets since with keys, phone etc. He found the condom in there thought "oh, ha condom" put it back in his pocket and then took the jeans off later and chucked them in the wash.

Eliza9917 · 22/11/2017 14:28

bigapplerecords
The more I think about it, the less I believe there's an innocent explaination.

The automatically deleyed Internet history, being logged out of Facebook and the condoms in his drawer...yes, all those could have perfectly innocent explainations.

The condom in the jeans pocket that I know he's worn recently....not so much.

And it makes me feel really sad.

I'm sorry, I hope he has a proper explanation Flowers

But check Tinder somehow and see if he's on there.

Chrys2017 · 22/11/2017 14:30

Well, logically if he was trying to hide it from you he wouldn't leave it in his pocket, would he? I would just ask him, perhaps in a joking way rather than accusatory ("Did you forget something?") and hold it up.

I'm sure he knows that condoms shouldn't be carried in a pocket if you're intending to use them anyway.

Just out of curiousity, how long does one wait these days before trusting a partner to have 'unprotected sex'? (I'm old.)

Trinity66 · 22/11/2017 14:34

Check his phone, you've already snooped now anyway so may as well do the whole lot lol I hope there's a decent explanation from him though and he isn't cheating, good luck

DancingOnParsnips · 22/11/2017 14:37

How long and well did you know him before you got together?

YoloSwaggins · 22/11/2017 14:39

I have some jeans I haven't washed in years (to whoever said once a week, seriously?!) so it could be innocent.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/11/2017 14:47

Maybe his mum gave it to him as a warning to use one?

Now that really is clutching at straws.

crisscrosscranky · 22/11/2017 14:48

OP, just ask him. No games, no pretending to find it in his pocket- just ask. You'll know it in your gut if he's telling the truth.

Make yourself a hot drink and a sandwich. I know what this feels like- when your stomach is in your mouth and your head pounds; it's shit.

HughLauriesStubble · 22/11/2017 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.