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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a condom in boyfriends jeans pocket

661 replies

bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 08:54

I've just been through the laundry basket to put a load of washing on and found an unopened condom in the pocket of my boyfriends jeans.

We don't use condoms.

Aibu to think there could be a perfectly innocent reason for it being there??

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 23/11/2017 16:28

I don’t know what some posters think continually stating they don’t believe him will do, Big has made up her mind to let it go and continue on with her relationship. Hopefully she will keep her eyes open for weird behaviour and not allow him to take advantage of her but only time will tell.

Some have stayed with men that have hard bloody proof of the crap they do and some have left with less proof than an unused condom. Each to their own. It doesn’t really matter what any of us would do in this situation as it’s not us luckily.

Re condoms in drawer did she say they matched I think she said the wrappers were different colours. Maybe I’m recalling wrong. Any way the big brand in uk comes in strips of two so I’d be more inclined to wonder where it’s partner is. Any way I was someone who suggested she search his phone then question him on the condom so I’m holding my hands up to say I was not really taking the moral high ground on this.

She can only trust her gut now so I stick with my wishing her luck and hope this was some weird misunderstanding and hopefully she will not have to come back on but I don’t think mocking her or calling her out will help her come back and she might really need the hand hold next time.

Mxyzptlk · 23/11/2017 16:30

Maybe keep an eye on those ones in the drawer, tho, OP?
In case they mysteriously move themselves somewhere else.

PollyPerky · 23/11/2017 16:38

it's a bit weird the way this thread is going.
Like posters wanting to shut down the conversation just because people are not happy to agree with Big Apple.

Of course we ALL wish her well. We ALL want him to be telling the whole truth for her sake. But that doesn't mean we behave like sheep and say 'yes dear, you are right to believe him'...

PostcodeJack · 23/11/2017 16:40

Sorry but
'Found a gimp mask, dp says it's a face pack' made my spit my drink out.

My internet history clears itself on exit. I have passwords on my phone, pc, tablet. I log out of email/fb/internet banking etc whenever I've finished with them. I also found random condoms in my bedside locker and a washbag yesterday and couldn't tell you when I chucked them in there.

I have never cheated on my OH.

I am feeling a little better that other people wash their jeans less often than I do!

Gemini69 · 23/11/2017 16:42

I had a friend... many years ago... she and her partner did not use Condoms.. however he had a packet of 'oldies' in his top underwear drawer..

she became suspicious that he was cheating.. however the condoms never moved... even though she found a large gold hooped earring under her bed Hmm not her thing.. atall Grin

I suggested making a note of the serial numbers on each wrapper....
a few weeks pass and low and behold... he was using the condoms and replacing each one he used with a new identical branded one...

CAUGHT... EVICTED.... she's happily married to someone else now.. x

Intomyarms · 23/11/2017 16:49

Just to add an old flame of mine tried to get in contact some time ago. His emails were from a different email address. He said it was his work address. Delving into it further he said his girlfriend had found past emails from other women and had threatened to leave him taking their child with her. He promised her he’d never contact other women again and set up a new work email that wouldn’t appear on his iPhone even though he could see them in his phone when he went into the other application. He then continued as before. I never met up with him but I’m fairly sure others did.

I’d imagine the OP’s partner has done something similar or if he isn’t phone savvy, he has a second phone.

Original poster
bigapplerecords · 23/11/2017 16:50

I just wanted to say thank you all for the advice and comments.

As a few people have asked/mentioned - the condoms in the drawer are from a different pack to the one found in his pocket, so could have moved in with him. They were in his underwear drawer, but not exactly hidden.

I didn't start this tread to only read the comments I agree with...I really do appreciate the advice and opinions of everyone.

I know many of you think I'm stupid for believing him - if I'm honest, part of me does too - but what choice do I have?

I don't feel like the condom is enough to end the relationship over, so all I can do is put it behind us and move on.

I will, of course, keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour in future but I also don't want to be questioning everything he does.

As I've already said, I may well come to regret this decision, but I will deal with that if it happens.

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 23/11/2017 16:52

Mxy do you mean like the end of his penis?? Grin

LineysBum · 23/11/2017 16:54

I think the obvious explanation is that of course he put it in his own pocket, in case he 'got lucky' on that night out, like so many men do. He might have been a bit pissed when he did it, and not really have remembered straight away if it was handed to him during the night.

That could be why it's a bit ripped. Part of a pissed bantz thing. Old habits die hard with some blokes. (He obviously does or did use condoms, hence the ones in his drawer.)

Thing is though, he would have recalled that by now, and could and should have told the OP. He's a bit cavalier and horribly casual about her feelings, really. Which isn't great.

Mxyzptlk · 23/11/2017 16:58

Gemini69, wow, what a chancer!

Tinsel, I just meant, out of the drawer Blush

mistermagpie · 23/11/2017 16:58

I’m not sure I would end a relationship over it but I would have my eyes and ears open from now on. Which kinds of ruins the ‘trusting relationship’ vibe I try to go for, so maybe I would end it?

He’s being very brazen just saying ‘I don’t know’ though, in a way I’m impressed. He’s lying though and you know it. Me and DH do use condoms and still one has never mysteriously materialised in my pocket.

CardinalCat · 23/11/2017 17:20

I happen to agree with Lineys. The thing is, in itself, the pocket condom is not evidence of cheating, but it's definitely circumstantial evidence of an intention to 'be prepared' should that opportunity arise, at a guess, on the night that he had out recently with his brother. (that';s not to say of course that he hasn't cheated it's just that the unused condom does not in itself prove that.)

If all he is going to do is stonewall the OP then she is in a really hard position-

dump on the basis of circumstantial evidence of an opportunistic intention to cheat
or
give benefit of doubt. IN the DP's defence, he hasn't tried to concoct a 'oh my mates form work did it as a joke' or come up with other bull. He's done a straight denial. it might be true. However, in his soes, I'd be mortified and wanting to get to the bottom of it., THePD amazingly seems quite chill at the prospect that a condom fairy has been at his pockets.

TBH, I can understand her going for the second option and trying to forget the mystery . it's certainly the easier option right now.

however, it's out there now, isn't it. Pandora's bloody box is open. Where the very fuck did that condom come from?, she will be wondering for years (or less if he trips himself up before then.)

nibora · 23/11/2017 18:16

You sound very sensible OP, you can't split over this, but it has taken the shine off a bit, which is a shame.

Good luck.

crimsonlake · 23/11/2017 18:24

Of course you have a choice? Or are you willing to hang onto him at any cost?

FlouncyDoves · 23/11/2017 18:31

If you dump him over a random condom in a pocket then you are destined to be a lonely old cat woman. Get a grip.

bastardkitty · 23/11/2017 18:34

Do you know what a condom is FlouncyDoves ?

QuitMoaning · 23/11/2017 18:36

@PollyPerky
‘ ”This is because he has no idea how to work technology and has never sent an email before, he only knows how to reply”

How old is he? The only people I know who can't email are my parents who are 90+.

Does he never use email for work or anything or online ordering? Bizarre.’

Aged 48. Why?
Now you can say you know 3 people. Your parents and the boyfriend of a random woman on the internet.
And no, he doesn’t use email for work. Not everyone does you know. He can reply but has never started one and I have given up trying to persuade him.
(I am in a very technological job so I do the household tech stuff).

To the OP, you make the decision as you have to live with it, none of us do. If you think it is innocent then make it work for you. I also think this is not worth throwing the relationship away for as there isn’t any proof. If there was evidence I would probably have something different to say.

ElephantsandTigers · 23/11/2017 18:42

Tinselistacky that is just cruel. Don't be a mean person. This isn't a real persons life and feelings.

ElephantsandTigers · 23/11/2017 18:42

This IS.

somethingDifferent38 · 23/11/2017 18:55

Given all you've said about how he's almost always with you, and so nice generally - I do wonder if one of his mates put it in his pocket for a joke (maybe to see if he could without boyfriend noticing, then just left it there).

I remember filling in a form with some mates, in a magazine for a dating service (a long time ago!), on behalf of another friend, just for a laugh. We left it lying around, his girlfriend found it, and saw it as pretty suspicious when he said he hadn't filled it in. Luckily in this case she told me how angry she was with him, and I confessed that we did it - but it could have caused a big problem between them, and we didn't do it maliciously at all. So just occasionally, really suspicious looking stuff really does have an innocent explanation!

Mulch · 23/11/2017 19:00

I can't believe this guy has come with I don't know and op believes it. Had anyone ever randomly found condoms In their pockets in the history of ever? I think you obviously want to believe him op, can't see the woods for the trees

mishfish · 23/11/2017 19:03

But the condom could have been in his pocket from a night out before meeting OP, condom forgotten about and jeans washed and put away for a next wear. Wore out again recently completely forgetting the condom in the jeans.

Are you the jealous type OP? Maybe he doesn’t want to simply say they were from before in case he gets a third degree

Intomyarms · 23/11/2017 19:10

Gosh I broke up with someone I loved dearly when I found out he had taken condoms with him to holiday in South America. In my instance, he admitted he had taken them just in case. I was devastated. He didn’t use them (so he said) but reading these responses I wonder if I over reacted. I have never stopped caring about him.

LineysBum · 23/11/2017 19:21

I don't think you over-reacted, intomyarms because 'just in case condoms' and 'lucky condoms' have no place in a committed relationship where they're deliberately carried around for casual sex with someone outside the relationship.

The reason I think the OP is hesitating is that there is a slim chance the condom was foisted on to her DP as part of ladz bantz - but in that case, he should just own up to it and say he'll tell his brother / friends to grow the fuck up in future. He's late 20s, not 18.

Sancerresanwine · 23/11/2017 19:29

I don't think you over-reacted, intomyarms because 'just in case condoms' and 'lucky condoms' have no place in a committed relationship where they're deliberately carried around for casual sex with someone outside the relationship.

This